Ska Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 My dad is abusive, he still abuses my mother today. He didn't really start going after me until I stood up for her on my 15th birthday. Since then dad and I haven't gotten along (pretty awkward when the person you're named after hates you) Recently, I've been trying to help my mom get away... I'm pretty sure if she doesn't she'll be dead soon. I've been seeing this wonderful girl, for a little while, what happened was we went out and this girl was hitting on me, the girl I'm seeing now ran over and was like "excuse me, this is my boyfriend, if you don't walk away now you'll be crawling away." Then she told me I am in fact, her boyfriend. I went to her house to spend the night the other night and my mom kept calling. she was screaming and crying and begging me to come home (my apartment). When I got there so was he, he attacked me and went to jail. I was embarrassed and didn't tell my girlfriend. I basically thought it was over. I got some advice here on LS to tell her... I did. She cried, and asked if my mom was ok and if we could maybe go out to dinner with her soon. I felt so bad about making her cry I bought her flowers. She told me she really likes me and thinks I'm so handsome and all that stuff. I really like her too. My worry is are my parents a deal breaker? if you were seeing someone with a mother like this what would you do? what if she calls me while I'm on a date? how would you feel if the person you're with's mother is like this?
Author Ska Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 It shouldn't be, but I'd be watching for any sort of aggression of afflictions in any partner I knew went through horrible things. Violence usually begets violence, and hence the vicious cycle of abuse. I hope you have at least learned how NOT to be. Keep taking care of that mum of yours A man hitting a woman is unacceptable, so I'm good on that part. I've never raised my hand to a female, I'd don't hit people who aren't as strong as me. Awesome Cudi sig, by the way 2
Mer-Maid Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 First of all, I'm so very sorry that you have had to live through abuse! I can't even imagine how difficult that must be. Your mom is currently choosing to remain in this situation, and until she makes the decision in her own mind and heart to leave, there isn't anything you can do. You are not responsible for anything your parents do! You have nothing to be embarrassed about - though I know it's easier to say that than to do it. Anyone who would hold their actions against you isn't worthy of you! 2
Emilia Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 My worry is are my parents a deal breaker? if you were seeing someone with a mother like this what would you do? what if she calls me while I'm on a date? how would you feel if the person you're with's mother is like this? It wouldn't be a dealbreaker no. It would matter to me how much of my boyfriend's life was filled with this - long term. Helping your mum out of the situation and finding a solution might take a while but that would be ok. If you were wrapped up in this for years and was a major part of your life continuously to a degree that you had to go home all the time from my house to sort brawls out, it could be a problem. Partly, because I would want a boyfriend who is able to draw boundaries with his family. I would want to be sure that our life was going to be different from his parents' life because he was able to take a step back. This is the only way you can discontinue the abuse I think. You can't help the family you are born into but you can help the kind of person you turn out to be.
todreaminblue Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 My dad is abusive, he still abuses my mother today. He didn't really start going after me until I stood up for her on my 15th birthday. Since then dad and I haven't gotten along (pretty awkward when the person you're named after hates you) Recently, I've been trying to help my mom get away... I'm pretty sure if she doesn't she'll be dead soon. I've been seeing this wonderful girl, for a little while, what happened was we went out and this girl was hitting on me, the girl I'm seeing now ran over and was like "excuse me, this is my boyfriend, if you don't walk away now you'll be crawling away." Then she told me I am in fact, her boyfriend. I went to her house to spend the night the other night and my mom kept calling. she was screaming and crying and begging me to come home (my apartment). When I got there so was he, he attacked me and went to jail. I was embarrassed and didn't tell my girlfriend. I basically thought it was over. I got some advice here on LS to tell her... I did. She cried, and asked if my mom was ok and if we could maybe go out to dinner with her soon. I felt so bad about making her cry I bought her flowers. She told me she really likes me and thinks I'm so handsome and all that stuff. I really like her too. My worry is are my parents a deal breaker? if you were seeing someone with a mother like this what would you do? what if she calls me while I'm on a date? how would you feel if the person you're with's mother is like this? I don't know what to say really it must be hard for you.......loyalty to family is important you only ever have one family you mum is important to you....but so is your gf obviously your gf sounds understanding but i think boundaries need to be put in place...is there a restraining order on your father yet....in regards to you and your mother......you said that he is in jail now so your mum should be able to relax a little...have a talk to your mum have a talk to your gf maybe sit down all together...nah that might be awkward...... when in a relationship i take the baggage that comes with good or bad.........that includes family....i have never not got on with a dates family or mother in particular.....even the strict ones liked me......mainly because i am respectful........so find out how your gf feels..tak to yoru mum....do it separately......good luck......deb
LittlePrince Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 If the one who is abused is female then it will help getting into her pants. If the abused is male then it will hinder him. 1
Author Ska Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 I don't have a problem getting in her pants, she's the one who wanted in mine Just kidding I'm not that much of a jerk. I've considered walking away, but I can't... If I don't help who will? (you can read my other thread for more info on this "dad got his ap pregnant" I really like said girl, I just don't know if she would want to deal with my mom who's growing somewhat attached to me. Which is weird, a few months ago she never would've left him.
Author Ska Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 I don't know what to say really it must be hard for you.......loyalty to family is important you only ever have one family you mum is important to you....but so is your gf obviously your gf sounds understanding but i think boundaries need to be put in place...is there a restraining order on your father yet....in regards to you and your mother......you said that he is in jail now so your mum should be able to relax a little...have a talk to your mum have a talk to your gf maybe sit down all together...nah that might be awkward...... when in a relationship i take the baggage that comes with good or bad.........that includes family....i have never not got on with a dates family or mother in particular.....even the strict ones liked me......mainly because i am respectful........so find out how your gf feels..tak to yoru mum....do it separately......good luck......deb my dad's out on bail, pretty sure my mom went and got him. No restraining order, I was told if I had one and went to him I'd be in trouble.
Emilia Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I just don't know if she would want to deal with my mom who's growing somewhat attached to me. Which is weird, a few months ago she never would've left him. Because she is swapping one addiction for another, don't let her move in with you permanently! She didn't leave your father until now because she thinks she can't hack it on her own. Don't allow her to become a burden
Author Ska Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 Because she is swapping one addiction for another, don't let her move in with you permanently! She didn't leave your father until now because she thinks she can't hack it on her own. Don't allow her to become a burden believe me, she watched him beat me on my birthday. Not cool. She doesn't get to live here 1
Emilia Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 believe me, she watched him beat me on my birthday. Not cool. She doesn't get to live here Good. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about, remember that always.
HeldbyGravity Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 My dad is abusive, he still abuses my mother today. He didn't really start going after me until I stood up for her on my 15th birthday. Since then dad and I haven't gotten along (pretty awkward when the person you're named after hates you) Recently, I've been trying to help my mom get away... I'm pretty sure if she doesn't she'll be dead soon. I've been seeing this wonderful girl, for a little while, what happened was we went out and this girl was hitting on me, the girl I'm seeing now ran over and was like "excuse me, this is my boyfriend, if you don't walk away now you'll be crawling away." Then she told me I am in fact, her boyfriend. I went to her house to spend the night the other night and my mom kept calling. she was screaming and crying and begging me to come home (my apartment). When I got there so was he, he attacked me and went to jail. I was embarrassed and didn't tell my girlfriend. I basically thought it was over. I got some advice here on LS to tell her... I did. She cried, and asked if my mom was ok and if we could maybe go out to dinner with her soon. I felt so bad about making her cry I bought her flowers. She told me she really likes me and thinks I'm so handsome and all that stuff. I really like her too. My worry is are my parents a deal breaker? if you were seeing someone with a mother like this what would you do? what if she calls me while I'm on a date? how would you feel if the person you're with's mother is like this? It is a good sign that this girl you are seeing felt emotionally invested in your situation, and cared about your mother that way. Crying is sometimes just a show of emotion- it's not always a negative thing. You can be sad in a way that is beneficial, such as it showing that you care about something deeply. It was a very good move to get her flowers though. That's a sweet gesture. It seems as though she is sticking along for the ride, if this didn't scare her off. Just take it a day at a time. Don't count yourself out of romance just because you've got problems right now in your life, because there are some people who can't handle this... but others who seem like they were born to accept the way things are with you. If there is a strong enough connection, I believe that family situation will not matter. Personal example: I have been dating a wonderful guy. I noticed right away that his family dynamics were a bit off, and I had to just adjust when we went to his house. His mother has done some very upsetting things I have learned, and is emotionally unstable. Since she is no longer in therapy (she checked herself out...), I am hoping her condition doesn't get worse... but knowing the situation, it probably will. This will in no way affect how I feel about this guy. It is unfortunate and will cause me to look after him lovingly, make sure he knows he can come to me with stuff, but I am going to be nothing but supportive of him when he needs it. This is NOT a deal-breaker to me. This is just life.
HeldbyGravity Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Just real quick also: I understand what it's like to have a bad home situation, and to not want to bring anyone into it, and to worry that it will be a deterrent. Growing up, my house was not a home. It was not a place to bring friends or my one high-school boyfriend. I have learned that if a person truly likes you, this won't make a difference. It will be a show of character to see how they react to it. Seeing how people act in the worst of times, you learn a lot about them. 1
todreaminblue Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Just real quick also: I understand what it's like to have a bad home situation, and to not want to bring anyone into it, and to worry that it will be a deterrent. Growing up, my house was not a home. It was not a place to bring friends or my one high-school boyfriend. I have learned that if a person truly likes you, this won't make a difference. It will be a show of character to see how they react to it. Seeing how people act in the worst of times, you learn a lot about them. It is funny like that held by gravity .......when there is a disaster people who you think were the quiet and unassuming ones turn into heroes have seen it they shine....even people who seem grumpy or stand offish have this innate sense of calm.....they carry it into battle movers and shakers i call them then there are the people who you thought through all their blustering and talk ups who fade quietly into the background and fail to stand up afraid to get involved because the effort doesnt do anythign fro them ......the worst of experiences can bring out the best in the right people.The most powerful earthquake comes from deep below the surface not on top of it...........or near the surface.......those earth quakes can move you and make a difference......some people are like that earth quake....they are the ones who you stand next to when the earthquake hits for real....thanks fro posting what you did ...i am off to write a poem now....;0)..deb 1
InJest Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 You should cripple your father with a baseball bat. Just bash him in the knees until you can't lift the bat anymore. If any of the **** you described happened to my mother, my father would have been dead long ago. Where are you balls?
Emilia Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 You should cripple your father with a baseball bat. Just bash him in the knees until you can't lift the bat anymore. If any of the **** you described happened to my mother, my father would have been dead long ago. Where are you balls? Getting 20 years for crippling your father is what you think the solution is??? Brawn before brain, eh? 1
Author Ska Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) You should cripple your father with a baseball bat. Just bash him in the knees until you can't lift the bat anymore. If any of the **** you described happened to my mother, my father would have been dead long ago. Where are you balls? I don't have any I guess... When I ruined his affair for him a few months ago he and I fought. He gave me a councosion and cracked two ribs. I'm lucky he didn't cut me with his knife he used to slash my tires... My dad's a big guy, trained fighter... I'm big too and I work out, I'm still no match. Edited October 22, 2012 by Ska
InJest Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I don't have any I guess... When I ruined his affair for him a few months ago he and I fought. He gave me a councosion and cracked two ribs. I'm lucky he didn't cut me with his knife he used to slash my tires... My dad's a big guy, trained fighter... I'm big too and I work out, I'm still no match. Does he sleep? You could use a taser also, they're pretty cheap. Get him in the back with the taser, then go to work on his legs. Use a wood bat, unless you want to kill him. I was in a similar situation in college. My g/f's sister got beat up by her boyfriend(a big guy). We waited until he was coming back to her apt from the bar a week later and jumped him with a bat. Broke most of his ribs, some internal bleeding, and rolled him over so he'd see our faces. Never said a word to the police. Emilia, what jury would give someone 20 years for this? Doubt he'd get jailtime at all if it's a first offense. But then again, what do I know about the legal system?? I've only had 6 felony drug trafficking charges dropped when I was caught red handed.
InJest Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 On another note, I don't think your childhood should preclude you from dating. It may with some girls, but you definitely shouldn't think of yourself as less worthy of having a fulfilling relationship.
Author Ska Posted October 23, 2012 Author Posted October 23, 2012 I guess I'm just a p---y I don't know... I'd be worried about getting kicked out of school, or risking job opportunities. If that wasn't at stake perhaps I'd go eye for an eye.
Lucky_One Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 I am not why you think that your mother is the "problem" or is the "potential problem" in your relationship, when it is pretty obvious that is your dad who is the issue. I don't know many women who would be unsympathetic to the abused mother of her BF, even if the mom was crashing on the couch for a week or so.
HeldbyGravity Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 I guess I'm just a p---y I don't know... I'd be worried about getting kicked out of school, or risking job opportunities. If that wasn't at stake perhaps I'd go eye for an eye. It's not worth getting put in jail over this, risking your own future. His life is the crappy, cowardly life of a bully, while you're young and have a long time to enjoy life. You are better off helping your mom to divorce him, and just making sure he is out of your life.
Recommended Posts