Imma Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Okay so a coworker and I have come to be extremely close friends he is 12 years older than me. I am 21 and he is 33. We have recently gone from friends who know all our personal information, to friends who know all our personal information and sleep together. We have talked about our situation and we have come to a mutual agreement that we are friends first who have sex with emotions involved because we cannot turn them off. I have multiple partners as does he, but mine are more frequent and more in number than my coworker. His other sex partner he has been involved with for the last year and a half, but recently he has ended things due to her insecurities and nagging. Even though he told her they were done and there was nothing between them he still sleeps with her. Every time he talks about it he says he needs to stop because the drama is not worth it, but then he does it again. We both know about each other's other partners and are fine with that. The first time we had sex we talked about if either one of us caught feelings what should we do? Well we decided that if someone catches feelings then they just need to tell the other person and the both of us can talk over what we think should happen. We both respect and love each other as friends and we both love having sex with each other, but our friendship is more important. My dilemma is that the woman he is sleeping with has been involved with him for a year and a half and is emotionally attached to him and their sex life is not just sex. I do not mind if he sleeps with other women, but I guess it bothers me that he said he was done with her and yet he is still going back to her even though he said she was to much for him. Is it reasonable to feel a little worried that he finds more from his old slash current sex partner, sexually and emotionally, than he does with me? Should I bring up my dumb jealousy or get over it?
veryhappy Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Not a man. Based on your plan, it's time you discuss with him that you have feelings and want to be exclusive. Friends with benefits, casual sex do not work for women. It's bs put out there by men. Women are wired to get where you are, wanting to be the one and only, complete with an emotional connection. Ask to be that, or get out. Do not settle in this mess, especially at your age. 1
Author Imma Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 I don't think we can be exclusive because he said he is not ready for it and I know I am not either so do I just stick with our original plan of being friends with amazing sex or do I say something about the other woman and risk ruining what we have.
Saba Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) Is it reasonable to feel a little worried that he finds more from his old slash current sex partner, sexually and emotionally, than he does with me? Should I bring up my dumb jealousy or get over it? I am not a man but wanted to reply anyway :-) Jealousy needs to be dealt with in my opinion. I do not think that talking about how you feel should ruin your relationship if he cares about you. You need to be able to express your needs if you want a relationship to work. Could it be that you need some reassurance that you are special to him. Do you think you would be comfortable telling him that you need reassurance without asking him to compare you to the ex? Is it really about the ex or rather how he makes you feel? What is it about the ex that makes you feel jealous compared to his other partners? Giving him an ultimatum about his ex might ruin your relationship. Is that what you were intending? Edited October 22, 2012 by Saba 1
BetrayedH Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Man here. Not sure that makes me any more qualified. My impression is that he is still caught up in ending his last relationship. It may have been a toxic one but he is still not done with it. Regardless of what he says to you, he is still connected to this woman physically and emotionally. It's obviously been a difficult and lengthy process for him and, like I said, it's just still not completely dead for him. It should be allowed to die on its own timeline. If he's not fully done with that relationship, he's certainly not going to want to rush into another relationship with anyone. The sex and friendship with you is a way of providing himself with a soft landing. He doesn't want to jump into something too heavy because he isn't even out of the last one yet. He's going to want to get his head on straight after this. In the meantime, you are a good thought-partner and **** buddy. In this case, I would typically tell you to move on, let him finish his last relationship, and if he comes to you later, you could date from a healthier place and maybe have a future together. I would advise against continuing anything with him at the moment because you don't deserve to be anyone else's side dish or soft landing (not healthy for you to subjugate yourself in that way). I would also advise against continuing to have "casual" sex because sex is rarely casual to a woman; it usually means that an emotional connection has developed. Generally, a woman needs an emotional connection to have sex and a man needs sex to feel an emotional connection. There are exceptions to be sure, especially at your age, but it generally holds true. Given time, you would likely develop more of an emotional connection to a man that is unavailable, regardless of what deal you have on the table. But what I find interesting is that not only do you have multiple partners (more-so than he does) but that you also have no intentions of being exclusive with him and yet you have jealousy? Without trying to be harsh, how is it that you can have this double-standard? If you, yourself, are not prepared to be exclusive with him and will continue to have multiple partners, how can you fault him for having a sexual or emotional connection with anyone else? Why would he emotionally invest in you when you are unavailable? If you are going to be cavalier about your commitment (or lack thereof), why should you expect him to do anything else? I guess I just don't see how you even could confront him about his GF. I mean, some people want what they can't have and when they get it, they don't want it anymore. You don't even want him in the first place and yet you don't want anyone else to have him either? That seems pretty narcissistic. You don't even want the commitment but you want to know that you could have him if you wanted and you don't want him to have anyone else? I think you should confront yourself on that much more before you decide to confront him. 3
skywriter Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I have multiple partners as does he, but mine are more frequent and more in number than my coworker. So, you have multiple sex partners. You don't have a relationship per say with this coworker, just sex and you also work together? My dilemma is that the woman he is sleeping with has been involved with him for a year and a half and is emotionally attached to him and their sex life is not just sex. I do not mind if he sleeps with other women, but I guess it bothers me that he said he was done with her and yet he is still going back to her even though he said she was to much for him. Is it reasonable to feel a little worried that he finds more from his old slash current sex partner, sexually and emotionally, than he does with me? Should I bring up my dumb jealousy or get over it? Why is this woman he's been seeing for a yr and a half become your dilemma? I don't understand why you would care if he sleeps with other women. You are sleeping with other people too! No it isn't reasonable ,to worry that he finds more from his current sex partner, sexually and emotionally. It sounds like you both aren't being honest with yourselves. 1
Pierre Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I don't think we can be exclusive because he said he is not ready for it and I know I am not either so do I just stick with our original plan of being friends with amazing sex or do I say something about the other woman and risk ruining what we have. Men are clever. They have convinced women that friends with benefits is the way to go. Women now assume that friends with benefits is an acceptable relationship and they feel they are not being used for just sex. However, many women like you start to have feelings With this concept men can have sex with many women and not have to put up with the downside of a sentimental formal relationship. His other friend with benefits has become attached and now he is a bit bothered. He is indirectly telling you to remain as you are and not demand anymore. I hope you are using heavy duty protection. In any event this guy is playing you quite well. 5
Author Imma Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 Thank you all for your input it has been very helpful with my silly situation. It is true now that I have been called on it that I want him to be available without myself being available. Yes I see that is very selfish and I am now going to continue our relationship as planned. Thanks y'all.
MrVegas Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I agree with Pierre The question you have to ask yourself is are you really able to separate sex with him from an exclusive relationship with him. There seems to be a double standard in place since you appear to want him all to yourself while remaining available to all you desire. If this woman is out of the picture, does he have any other partners? How many of your other partners are exclusive to you (even if unofficially)? If she leaves and another woman enters the picture, how would you feel? The answer to these questions are what you need to go forward. If he is having lady problems, you are a friend, so by all means be supportive. But don't abuse your power as a friend to get what you want as a lover, or it will all end up bad. Play Safe, Have Fun! 1
RickFox Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 Why are you complaining? You're getting everything you deserve. 1
carhill Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 I'm fascinated by how quickly someone can flip off the emotional switch. That's this man's POV.
Author Imma Posted October 24, 2012 Author Posted October 24, 2012 When the emotional switch is needed to be switched off it is very easy to flip it.
carhill Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 It's very good information about one's psyche and potential compatibility.
Charlie Harper Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 The only reason a man will put up with a drama queen, is because she is a great sex partner.... so you´d better ask bluntly...because you may not be filling the spot he need to fill. just sayin´
2sure Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 I have no problem understanding your relationship with this man. Nothing wrong with it at all. But...He does not mind you knowing about his other partner and you are expected to be OK with it ...Is he hiding his relationship with you from his other partner because she is not expected to be OK with it?
Author Imma Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 Yes, the other woman he is involved with does not know about me at all. He knows about my partners though.
scatterd Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Is he living with this woman he cares about or is she just someone he sees?
Michal2012 Posted October 27, 2012 Posted October 27, 2012 This is really full of confusion threat. I have no problem understanding your relationship with this man. Nothing wrong with it at all
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