What in the world is he doing?

[Airi_Haruna]

So, my ex-boyfriend and I up to about 10 days ago were supposedly "friends". From the start there had been a lot of push-pull psychology I felt from him. For instance, when we first started talking again he told me that he had an "its complicated" in his life, whatever that means, but he wanted to hang out with me again, I thought it was odd because in the breath of him telling me about this mysterious "its complicated" gal whom he didn't feel things were ideal with, he was flirting with me through email, telling me he missed me, using old pet names, and saying he wanted to hang out with me, get a bunch of friends together, that sort of thing. I agreed because I actually was fine with a friendship, initially. After the break up with my ex, I learned from a mutual friend that after breaking up with me he was on the rebound. He would tell her that he really missed me, but that he felt I'd be happier with someone else though and that I was so adorable. My friend asked him why he didn't just make amends with me, and he replied that I didn't want to be friends but he didn't feel like we understood each other. I still don't know what that means to this day. I didn't let my ex know this information either, the fact that I knew what he had been saying about me. Also, after out breakup I became involved with someone else for a few months until he moved away because he was in the military. So when I began hanging out with my ex-boyfriend again right from the start it was kinda awkward, the first day we hung out it was just like it was when we were together, nothing explainable. It was just this chemistry an energy. He also was taking lots of pictures of me when we were hanging out, that night we all went out to a comedy show together with his friends and me. During the car ride, he casually mentioned this "its complicated" chick, which kinda stung, but I did my best. We got to the ticket stand and he then asked me, "are you okay?" I know I was probably being really quiet, but these were new people I was meeting and I have a slight tendency to clam up with introductions, not including the fact that he was kind of stinging me with these remarks he was making. When we got into the club, he scooted in really close to me and asked what we were eating and we put in an order... about 20 minutes later while we're waiting on our food my ex, within an earshot of me turned and took an interest in his friends conversation at the neighboring table right next to us, it was the topic of formal dances or something along those lines. My ex adds that he had a girl who he was seeing, and then he also said there was another girl who was going to go with him to one of these dances but she dropped out, thing is, that was originally supposed to be me who was going with him to that, which actually really hurt my feelings. I almost got really upset when I heard that. I halfway wondered if his insensitivity was intentional. We eventually left the club and on the ride home I'd figure I'd distract myself, I start to text someone in the car and then he interrupts by offering me some of his soda. "No thank you" I stated. The next day he texted me a couple pictures from the club. I jokingly added a "that's hawt" to the pictures he sent me. "I thought so" he replied". The next day he messaged me to ask me how I was. I didn't get back to him the next day when he texted me again, where we began a conversation and quickly added "I think me and the girl are going to the beach this weekend." Now, maybe I shouldn't have done this, in fact, I probably should have just told him that I didn't appreciate what he was doing, but I tried something else. I decided to mention the guy I had been seeing recently. To which he asked if he treated me well, I even mentioned a funny little story of something that happened between us... he got pretty monosyllabic after that, until the next day... He texts me the next day showing me all the pictures he took of me at the clothing boutiques, adding he put them on facebook and they were all rather cute, he sent them to me and then asked what I was up to that day, and then was sure to mention that he was on a double date and then asked me to join him, to which I politely refused *awkward*

 

 

The next time we hung out we went to dinner and a movie, at one point during dinner his eyes meant mine and he started fluttering them nervously. I asked him what was up (although being with him for so long I've learned to read his body language, so I kinda knew already). He said he had butterflies in his head, but he wasn't looking to process it right now. Things were going well and the guy I had been seeing called me, so I called him back at the end of our meal to make plans for later. The first question my ex asks me after dinner when we get to his car was, "was that your boyfriend?" I replied that he was my date, "he's your date?" my ex chides... "Yes, he's only here for about another month and then he's moving because he's in the miltary." My ex then asks what branch he's in etc etc etc... we get to the movie theater and he mentions having plans with our mutual female friend (whom he has known forever and is only platonic with)... he says that he was supposed to meet up with her but he didn't want to because he was with me, which was kinda sweet. He then looked down at the floor and took a deep sigh, we then walked to the theater, had a pretty nice time and he drove me home. I remembered that I had forgotten my keys and my ex tells me that I am free to spend more time with him listening to the kinks with him, to which I told him I appreciated and I went inside the house. He watched me go in and texted me if I'd gotten in okay. After that his texting became more sparse, like he would start a conversation through text flirtatiously and then when I'd reply he'd disappear for a couple days. This pattern continued... The next time we hung out we went to Dave and Busters and had yet another amazing time. The guy I had been seeing finally left town at this point, and one night I was hanging out with one of my male friends. Apparently my ex was hanging out in the same part of town I was and saw us having dinner together. So the next day he texts me to say... "hey lady, how was your date?" I tell him he left town, "Oh, I thought you may have been dating that tall gentleman last night", so I said I guess you saw me last night? He said, "I didn't know how it was going and didn't want to say anything at the risk of interrupting anything, I thought you saw me though." I told him I didn't, and he mentioned he felt like a creeper. I asked him playfully if that bothered him and he responded with "I see no reason that would bother me".

 

 

The final time I saw him we spent the entire day together at the zoo. I was staying in a hotel room until I moved the next day and he helped me move my stuff too. So I decided to test the waters a little bit. At one point he bought an ice cream cone for us, so we each had two spoons. I took one and placed it to his lips, he looked slightly surprised, and said "thank you". Now there was just a little bit left, he then fed me the last of the cone when I wasn't expecting. Up the hill he mentioned that we'd spent the whole day together, I said I could really use a smoothie after the long walk, so he bought me one, and a whole bunch of food items for what he spontaneously dubbed a "hotel picnic". We get back to my place and get out all we had, and then he began feeding me in bed every now and again. It was pretty romantic actually. And we watching TV, he lays back with his arms behind his head, legs spread out and I'm laying down too. I notice him scooting his head closer to me now, turning to me gazing at me softly. I made some joke about something I can't even remember and nudged him with my head, he closed his eyes and smiled at me softly laughing. I noticed his legs were trembling too, it was like he wanted to act, but he didn't and it came time to where he had to meet up with his friends like he'd talked to me about. He looked kind of frustrated as he stood up and said he had a good time partying with me, and having me watch him dance in my bed (which I guess is a reference to his nervous leg tremors). So I watched him walk to his car from my window, he turned back to find me and saw me, pointing his fingers in an "I see you" kind of gesture and drove away. I felt like we really reconnected that day, so I thought all was well.

 

 

Well, up to around the third of October we planned to spend more time together and come the day he texted me to cancel plans with me almost two hours after his class ended. I was pretty put off, but I didn't express this to him right away, but as the day went on I thought about it more and more. If his pet sitter cancelled on him the previous night, why wait until the last minute to tell me that last minute 2 hours after we were supposed to do something. Even as just friends that bugs the crap out of me and I even told him that. He replied by saying he was sorry for hurting my feelings but he was stretched pretty thin and I was being treated no different than any of the rest of his, and that even as he was preparing to go away for the weekend he was bringing school work with him. I didn't text anything back because frankly I didn't know WHAT to say. The next day he sent me a picture of the pets he supposedly needed a sitter for, didn't say anything back to that either. Then four days later he texted me asking "what's new?"

 

 

So I told him I was working on a project of mine, beading jewelry, he replied he wanted to see what I was making. He then went on to tell me he had a friend who did the same thing professionally and she would want me to know she was married but available and my ex told her about me and she has a crush on me now. WTF?! Seriously, what in the world? I told him that what he mentioned didn't appeal to me in the slightest and that I wasn't into other girls. He replied, "I know just feeding a compliment".

 

Still WTF?

 

So I finally told him that I wish these games would cease (probably not the best thing to say) but over the course of our starting to hang out again I knew he was playing games with me. I also told him that I wanted to have a straight talk with him in person about the last time we spent time together because we really seemed to be reconnecting and close we seemed to be and that I really wanted that, but I also mentioned that we could also be friends but that I just felt like that had been sitting there too long. He responded by saying, "I really like being friends. I'm not interested in a relationship. You are cute, but I don't think we understand each other on that level. I have been in a pretty steady relationship and have been happy with it, so I am not sure where you get the idea of games from. I ask who you are dating, just because it's nice to know you are happy or not with someone that will hurt you. (yeah)

 

I told him in response that I didn't know how we didn't understand each other, that it would have been nice to have discussed that but okay. I said if we are going to be friends I think we should establish some boundaries. That I would super appreciate aforementioned comments about how person A likes me blah blah blah but they're married to not be said because it's not really necessary. I also said I didn't feel it was kosher to discuss with him who I was seeing and vice versa, I then asked him if he could handle that.

 

Him: If that's a boundary we set, sure.

Him: And that text kinda irked me. I don't know why you would be dismissive of what I say.

 

I asked him what he meant by dismissive because I was asking him open-ended questions and letting him tell all.

 

Him: Answering the question to the best of my ability you responded with, blah blah, not to be said.

 

I just told him that making a comment like how one of his married girlfriends (whom I've never meant) having a crush on me wasn't necessary. That he knew beforehand that I don't date other femmes anyway and I pretty much text in the verbatim that I speak in, and that's why I proposed we cut the BS and just be direct about things. I then told him I was going to bed (I was super stressed at this point too) And all he said back was, "She is not my girlfriend, and I just wanted to let you know she thought you were a pretty attractive girl, because you are, and I thought that's something you would want to hear from people, but I guess that's an incorrect assumption. Good night.

 

 

10 days later, he hasn't said anything to me. I don't know what to make of his behavior, although I am fairly certain he has Borderline Personality Disorder. After knowing him about a year, it seems rather apparent to me. I've even dated a Borderline Male before and he seems to act similarily to him. What are your impressions? Because I feel like even having a friendship with him is getting too frustrating because he confuses me so much.

[Calico]

I'd return that question: What in the world are YOU doing?

 

In a situation like this, you cannot be friends, and what you experience is exactly the reason why. You need to cease contact and heal (as does he) instead of acting like a couple. You cannot be friends with everything still being so fresh, and romantic love, bitterness, doubts, resentment, confusion, jealousy lingering. It just doesn't work and causes pain and frustration.

 

Walk away from this and let it go. You can try being friends in a year or two, but this isn't the time for it. Look up threads that deal with NC (No Contact) and consider taking that approach.

[Airi_Haruna]

Well, I kind of already made up my mind that I can't see him because it IS such a headache. I actually cut off contact with him after we broke up, it was about four months later where I kept seeing him peek at my journal. So finally I wanted to be nice and said feel free to say hi considering he seemed like he'd become a fan, and then he was gushy with his reply of missing me etcetera. At first I thought I could be friends with him, but then he started wooing me and finally it seemed like we were reconnecting and so I expressed interest back, but my question is more trying to understand his behavior. I know that doesn't really change anything or my decision to leave it alone, but there is just this large part of me that feels like I need to understand his confusing signals, especially the last part about his female friend... I have no idea why he thought that'd be relevant to tell me at all.

 

And along with the BPD, as a friend I even thought of somehow trying in some way to direct him to some kind of therapy that could help him. I didn't bring it up because I was still thinking of how, all the while this whole push pull thing was happening, and I got caught up in it to some degree later down the line.