reading too much into it...

[sendme]

so I saw my counselor last week... my ex and I see the same counselor... he's great and I refuse to change counselors because good ones are hard to find and he saw my ex and i together as a couple so he knows all about the crappy situation I was in... anyway... he seemed really really concerned that if my ex showed up at my door I would take him back... which is a valid concern all of itself... but my counselor kept bringing it up... and i keep wondering was he bringing it up because my ex was telling him about thinking about coming over here...

 

maybe not... maybe its part of the process... why is there some part of me that is dying to know he's thinking of me too?

 

I mean isn't it worse if he's thinking of me and screwing other women... at one point in this mess he told me the only way he could finish with one of the girls he was with was to think of me while he was screwing her... how messed up is that?

 

 

Uggghhh... really just venting I suppose, because it's nighttime and I want to go over there....

 

last night I went to a friend's bday party and got back at like 2:30 am, parked by his house and almost knocked except I was on the phone and my friend on the phone was insistent that I didn't get off the phone until I was safely in my apartment... I had a moment where I almost lied and went yeah yeah I'm inside... and then I told myself... no, this is your out... this is your strength... stay on the phone until you get in your apartment and get into bed... so I did... so here we are at 21 days...

[Calico]

I think the therapist worries because of the nature of abusive men. He treated you like an object, not like a person, and certainly not like a beloved and valued partner. Like a pet, or something else he "owns".

 

For a man who thinks that way, your decision to stay away from him must almost seem like an insult, and it equals a loss of power -- a loss of power over something he may have felt was his and no matter how badly he treated you, you'd always come back (and it's really hard for you not do this, so he's not entirely wrong about this).

 

At some point, I think, this will irritate him enough to want to try and get his property back, to restore that power, to make him feel in control again. If (when?) that happens, he'll be in contact -- and that will be your test. I worry quite a bit that as soon as he gives you the smallest indication that he wants you back, you'll forget about everything you've learned in the past few weeks and run back into his arms to be "loved" (really: owned and possessed) again. It takes you all you have to not do this even without him doing anything at all. And that is very concerning.

 

This is a power struggle (for him), and for you it's really a struggle for your freedom, your well-being and your future. For your life -- that is how you need to look at it. This man has been physically abusive. Why is his love so important? You're not a beaten dog who yearns to be back at his master's feet for more kicks. Stop feeling like that. You are a woman, a person -- you deserve better than this. You're precious, you're sensible, you're intelligent, you're beautiful. You deserve better. Try and find out why you are drawn to him and whether the abuse you were exposed to is what makes him so difficult to let go off.

 

For example, when my ex dumped and replaced me, what made it so hard were childhood abandonment issues that stemmed from my parents' divorce when I was just three years old. As three years old do, I believed it was all my fault and that I wasn't loved and wanted. When the breakup happened, these issues surfaced, and that is what made me cling and suffer. But once I realized what was going on, and why I felt this deeply rooted emotion of "please love me, don't leave me!", it became easier to deal with. The mind isn't always our best friend, but in cases like these it's really a good tool that can help you to see clearly.

 

Above all, always remember that you have choices. Freedom from abusive partners and exes is a choice. You can grab it and run with it. You have to want that, though. You have to accept the groundlessness of life and that there are no securities and no guarantees, and that that is beautiful, even if it feels scary. Focus on the potential, not on the uncertainty.

 

And stop making excuses on his behalf when you think about the situation. He's a physically abusive jerk who cheated on you and said the most horrible things to you. Any issues he may have do not justify this, and you cannot "fix" him with your love.

 

You cannot change him.

[KraftDinner]

Before you said you thought your counsellor was saying that because he thought your ex was going to show up at your door, I thought your counsellor was saying it because he thinks your ex is doing something really ****ty and he doesn't think you should be with him.