LostInThought_1 Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 This is my first post here. 6 months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years because I felt that I was no longer in love with him -- I felt that I no longer respected him (I kept snapping at him for little things that normally wouldn't bother me, and would constantly be irritated when he would try to text or call me). I just felt like I had lost interest in him completely - hanging out was no longer really enjoyable, just comfortable. I had been feeling that I was no longer in love with him for quite some time, but he treated me like a goddess and I was happy ENOUGH for the time. I also liked the comfort of having someone, especially someone who loved me so much. However, I knew about 6 months into our relationship that something wasn't right - I felt like something was missing, and that I couldn't picture myself spending "forever" with this guy. (note: both of us are 21, in college) The icing on the cake was when I became interested in another guy. We talked more than I talked to my boyfriend, and when I realized that I had actually developed feelings for this new guy, I realized I had to end the relationship with my current boyfriend since it was not fair to him. We went on a break at first (only 2 weeks), and I missed him like crazy and went back to him. A week later, I felt that I had made a huge mistake and wanted to break up with him again. Sex was no longer enjoyable and I felt like I wasn't happy anymore. I told him how I felt and he was crushed. Needless to say, things with the new guy didn't work out, and that's when I really started to miss my ex - when I was all of the sudden all alone and not in control. Around the same time that things stopped working out with my new guy (a few weeks later), my ex started seeing a new girl. This is when I lost it and went absolutely crazy - like psycho crazy. I was devastated. He still talked to me during this time and we still hooked up a few times, but I knew he didn't want to date me again (he told me many times). He and this other girl (a rebound I presume) ended things a few weeks later. I kept trying to talk to him for the next few months, and then finally gave up as he was not reciprocating. I haven't spoken to him in over 2 months, but still find myself missing him. Did I make a mistake by breaking up with him? I don't know why I still feel this way after all this time, especially because I was the one who broke up with him (this is my first serious relationship, and he was my first love -- I didn't know what to expect from the break up). Is this normal to feel this way?
mishy Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 it seems to me that you only wanted him when he didn't want you, or when you were with someone else or he was with someone else. So it looks obvious that you enjoyed the attention and love from teh relationship rather than anything about him
Author LostInThought_1 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 Thank you for your response - you make really good points and I appreciate your compassion. I think that for the majority of our relationship, however, I did not take him for granted - I think that I started taking him for granted when I got back from a 5 week trip (where we had minimal converstaion due to time difference and my busy schedule) when I realized I did not feel as strongly for him as I thought I did. Now, he does not even say hi to me in public - not sure if this is because he is still hurting from it, or if he truly is over me and wants nothing to do with me. But I cannot blame him for that because I guess if someone told me they no longer loved me anymore, I would not want to take them back either, and I don't think I would want to speak to them either.
Ramzk001 Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Someone who truly loves you and treat you like a goddess should never become your liability. Mistakes happened from your end, If you've really learned from your mistakes, and if you truly love him and honestly want him back, you should try to talk to him. If he forgives you and take you back then it will be good for both of you
Author LostInThought_1 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 Gibson, he is single. He has not been talking to any other girls since the one , and they ended things months ago. (the relationship lasted less than a month - both of them were rebounding) I am not sure if I should try to contact him as I do not think I was truly happy in the relationship , therefore, if it is just going to end again, why go through the pain again? I think I am feeling lonely now, whcih is making me miss him and look back on things with rose colored glasses. My roommates put it in a good way: "your ex was a great guy, but nothing that special, we all thought you could do alot better and were not surprised when it ended". Not sure how to separate feeling lonely and missing someone from missing HIM . I can't help but think that if I truly loved him, I wouldn't have had a desire to be with anyone else, and I wouldn't have taken him for granted - do you agree?
ReadMyThread Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Gibson, he is single. He has not been talking to any other girls since the one , and they ended things months ago. (the relationship lasted less than a month - both of them were rebounding) I am not sure if I should try to contact him as I do not think I was truly happy in the relationship , therefore, if it is just going to end again, why go through the pain again? I think I am feeling lonely now, whcih is making me miss him and look back on things with rose colored glasses. My roommates put it in a good way: "your ex was a great guy, but nothing that special, we all thought you could do alot better and were not surprised when it ended". Not sure how to separate feeling lonely and missing someone from missing HIM . I can't help but think that if I truly loved him, I wouldn't have had a desire to be with anyone else, and I wouldn't have taken him for granted - do you agree? Oh I totally agree! You USED this guy for 6 months! Probably "Claimed" to love him when he TRULY loves you. Then you ripped his heart into pieces when you left him all alone. You didn't love this guy. At all. The ONLY reason you miss him is because you are alone your right. F*** what your roommates are saying. "Nothing special"...."Nothing special"!!!? Really!? The way felt about you was special. The love he had for you is going to be hard to find. Sounds like you don't even care anyway. You don't deserve him. HE is the one who could do better than YOU. You're selfish. 2
ReadMyThread Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 LostInThought_1, This was what I was warning you about. People projecting their situation and what they allowed to happen onto you and your Ex. Well it's true. It doesn't make her a bad person. It will in her ex's eyes Ofcourse but she is going to do whatever makes her happy regardless of who she is hurting because all she cares about is herself. Shes selfish. It's just what she did was totally wrong but I believe in karma so, "what goes around comes around." .
Calico Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 My roommates put it in a good way: "your ex was a great guy, but nothing that special, we all thought you could do alot better and were not surprised when it ended". That applies to everyone, really. He certainly can do much better than you, too. No one is irreplaceable, and no one is somehow that ultimate catch that can never be matched or surpassed. Based on what you wrote, he's better off without you in his life, because he's clearly not what you want or need. I can't help but think that if I truly loved him, I wouldn't have had a desire to be with anyone else, and I wouldn't have taken him for granted - do you agree? Taking other people for granted has nothing to do with love or the lack of love. It's has to do with immaturity and a spoiled attitude, and is frequently the result of a lack of life experience and absence of traumatic experiences (which doesn't mean it's "bad"). You won't be as likely to take others for granted after you've gotten dumped, for example, or if you have experienced loss (of people) in your life. (I don't mean this is in a hostile way, please take it as an opinion/observation rather than personal judgement of who you are.) As for the desire to be with anyone else, well, love isn't just one thing, it can come in many flavors. When people are young and lack experience(s), they don't (can't) always know yet what they really want, so there is a lot of curiosity in the picture and a desire to explore and collect experiences, which will then allow for meaningful comparisons. It's known as G.I.G.S., the Grass is Greener Syndrome, and it's probably quite natural -- only sucks if you're on the receiving end of it, but well, life is what it is. I think you need to shed these Disney-flavored ideals of love. 100% partners don't exist (not after the honeymoon stage), so there will always be something that will make you question whether it's really love. With experience and maturity you'll eventually realize that being with a person who is 80% of what you want can lead to a fantastic, deep and satisfying relationship full of love and respect. Young people often look at 80% partners as someone they would only "settle" for, and that then leads to problems. 80% is really pretty good, though, but again, it's perfectly normal to not be born and feel that way. Anyway, I feel you should leave your ex be. If you were sure that you loved and wanted him, then of course you should go for him. But it doesn't sound that way, and you listen too much to your roommates who don't approve of him, so he is really better off without having to deal with this situation again.
The_Face Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 (edited) Dude, chill out. She is young. She liked him, dated him and it ran its course. She didn't string him along, lie to him or cheat on him. She did the right thing. When her feelings changed, she broke up. She hasn't said a word to him and isn't contacting him. She had some questions on whether she should or not. Her goal is to figure this out before attempting anything with him. She does not want to hurt him any further and she won't. She didn't string him along? I disagree. And sorry, but the OP is selfish. Basically, the breakdown of her story, when you get down to the nitty gritty: *OP dates BF for almost two years, knowing 6 months into the relationship something isn't right. Continues dating him anyway. Loses respect for BF. *Stays with him because he treated her like a goddess and kept her happy ENOUGH. *OP delevoped feelings for OM when she was in relationship with BF. Breaks it off with BF. *Things with OP and her OM don't work out well. Begins missing EX, only once OP realizes she is no longer in control. *OP goes psycho jealous when she finds out exBF is seeing a new girl. *Begins sleeping with exBF after breakup, seemingly trying to push aside ex's new woman and gain control of him again? Possibly? *Continues trying to contact ex for months but finally gives up because he is not reciprocating. Now, HER feelings are hurt. Oh schucks She may not be stringing her ex along anymore, but it sounds like she was for a good year and half of the relationship, as well as some months after their breakup. The only reason she isn't stringing him along now is because HE is not talking to HER. Now she feels hurt by that, and wants to justify things to herself and make herself feel better by thinking things like "he wasn't anything special" and how she wasn't happy enough with him anyway. She's trying to assume control again, in her mind, even though she lost control the second she broke it off with her ex. The OP is all mixed up. I'm not saying she's a bad person, I am a mixed up person, too. But what she has done is very selfish. Sounds like she's doing the right thing about it now, though. Maybe not by choice, but still, she's doing the right thing now. Continue to leave the ex alone. You have nothing for him and he probably doesn't have anything left for you anymore. Hopefully you and the ex enjoyed some of that two years you spent together, at least. Good luck in all your future relationships, OP. Edited October 26, 2012 by The_Face
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