TheBell Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Hi all, I've been reading this forum for few months, my story is very similar to many other people's experience which is both depressing and reassuring. Earlier this year, after less than 3 years of marriage, my wife left me. Out of the blue doesn't cover the half of it. I was blissfully happy, she acted and claim to be too. She told me one morning before work she was unhappy, no fights, no issues on going, actually just after really good weekend spent together. Usual platitudes from her of "it's me, not you" & "I think you deserve someone who loves you more". Was all a smoke screen for her new relationship with a mutual friend. I accepted the reality of the situation fairly quickly and have managed to exit the financial side (negative equity & assets) in a fairly strong position while maintaining the smallest amount of contact. Not 1 drunk call or text, no pleading etc, just practical stuff. At this point, the process of separating is almost complete. Although I am proud of how I have handled the shock of the break up I am deeply affected by it. I have no confidence, her name is constantly in my head, I find it a struggle to maintain the facade required for day to day life. I find myself feeling anxious and saying her name out loud almost like Tourette's. I'm not much of a talker face to face, as far as family and friends are concerned I'm doing ok. I feel I need closure of some kind, I'd obviously love to tell her what she did and how she did was cowardly and pathetic but I know that is pointless, she doesn't have to listen or care. So how do I move forward? I feel like I need a release of some kind, perhaps some of you have had similar feelings and found something that works for you? Please share! TB
Yasuandio Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 You have done great! Kiss the ground it has not been 23 years! You will get passed this faster than you think! Focus on the positives of divorce. "Freedom! Men die on the battlefield for freedom!" (Quotation taken from Homer McDonald Free Interviews On-line). Yas 1
Author TheBell Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 I am grateful that this didn't happen further down the line. I'm in my late 20s and we didn't have kids so as divorces go I guess this is an easier one! I do feel that things are getting worse for me. I can rationally think about what's happened and about the future but pervasive thoughts of doubt and worry are increasing, not lessening. After getting through the tough parts with minimal fallout I now feel less able to cope with the smaller things.
Author TheBell Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Is it normal? I have been worrying quite a bit about the way I turn things over in my head to the point where I blurt her name out. It's been 6 months. I expected to feel a little better by now, not a fair bit worse! I'm exhausted by it all, the effort of thinking about the break up every spare minute coupled with trying to act like I'm happy is doing me in. You are both right though: could have been worse, will likely get better over time. This is a pointless thread I think.
Yasuandio Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 It's not pointlesss to reach out. Suffering is suffering. 3 years or 23 years when marriage dissolves. I was just trying to reimind you it can be much worse. You are going to heal mucg faster than most. You are free, and have time to find another love, and begin again - and have another love(s) and a future full marriage in your lifetime! Chin up. Yas 1
Yasuandio Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) double post Edited October 22, 2012 by Yasuandio double post
2.50 a gallon Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Forget the closure idea, it is not going to happen! Telling her she is a pathetic coward would be like water off of a ducks back After the breakup, one of the problems is getting her off of your mind. That was all I could think about. At first I had to avoid places we used to frequent. I would find something new and interesting and my first thought would be M... would love this In order to fight back and move on in life, I needed a way to get my mind off of her. Every second that I did not think of her was a victory, then the idea was to turn the seconds into minutes, and minutes into hours. I got back into my hobbies. I looked for new interests. I tried orchid growing, failure, semi success with rare tropical fish. They had to have special water conditions and special food, and once I got fry they too had to have special foods, all of which took time. Precious time that I was not thinking of her I was a decent cook, but decided to teach myself how to cook some gourmet meals. They took longer, and I was double rewarded with a great meal and another piece I could add to my future dating arsenal I moved to a new apartment complex, one with lots of young people, with a pool and volley ball. I had several units to choose from and chose one on the ground floor, where I could use and keep a Weber grill. I also bought me an electric ice cream maker, and it wasn't long before I was making friends with my new neighbors. And sharing my grill, and had developed a reputation of being a good cook amongst the females I have always been big on decorating for the holidays rather than being a bah humbug kind of guy. It is like a neon sign to the ladies that says a guy who enjoys life lives here. Better yourself! Take classes, learn to cook gourmet meals, learn to dance Get busy and keep busy, turning those seconds into minutes and the minutes into hours. Trust me on this, there is someone better out there for you A general rule of thumb, cheaters trade down, while those who get cheated on eventually trade up. I know I did, and I now say divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me. 1
GuyInLimbo Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Dude, if it's been 6 months and you still aren't over her, why the hell aren't you in counseling 1-2x a week?
revitup Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 THEBELL,You are lucky, as hard as that may be to believe at this point in your young life. 2.50 a gallon has nailed it for you.If you are like myself, you won't see it right now,you will though. Three years is a long time....for a twenty something! Heck,I have socks that are over three years old. You keep up the fight and grow as much as you can.You will hurt like all of us but it will make you a smarter man.
MsOptimist Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 It sounds to me like you do need to release some of the thoughts and feelings turning over in your head - confiding in a good friend(s) and/or getting therapy would be a great thing to do. I vote for therapy because they are trained professionally in these kinds of matters. I am still pretty fresh in my situation (which is kind of similar to yours, or at least I'm on the same end as you are). I am in counseling once per week and it is helping. I think overall you are doing great with how you are picking up the pieces, but you have to get the feelings and emotions out. If you don't work on that now they will come out at some point, likely when you aren't ready for it to happen. You don't want these emotions inhibiting a future relationship.
Author TheBell Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 Thank you for all the replies. Just to clarify although the marriage was 3 years the relationship was 8 years in total. I'm not in love with her any more, I havnt seen her in over 4 months and have no desire to do so. I don't even begrudge her the new relationship, although the way she ended ours was cold to say the least who could say they had done wrong if in 50 years they are still together? I seem fixated on the break up itself, I am angry but mainly feel bereft of any confidence. Therapy is probably the way to go but I'm not much of a talker. I don't frequent Internet forums at all but find it easier to post things here than I do talking to trusted friends or family. I don't really know what I hope to gain from posting this, I know I need to force myself to do things that will give me a sense of achievement but I can't seem to turning planning into doing. I'm not happy but for the first time I don't really know how to change that.
MsOptimist Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Thank you for all the replies. Just to clarify although the marriage was 3 years the relationship was 8 years in total. I'm not in love with her any more, I havnt seen her in over 4 months and have no desire to do so. I don't even begrudge her the new relationship, although the way she ended ours was cold to say the least who could say they had done wrong if in 50 years they are still together? I seem fixated on the break up itself, I am angry but mainly feel bereft of any confidence. Therapy is probably the way to go but I'm not much of a talker. I don't frequent Internet forums at all but find it easier to post things here than I do talking to trusted friends or family. I don't really know what I hope to gain from posting this, I know I need to force myself to do things that will give me a sense of achievement but I can't seem to turning planning into doing. I'm not happy but for the first time I don't really know how to change that. Posting here is a way of releasing your thoughts and feelings - if you aren't ready/able to do that in person, this is a start. According to my therapist, these feelings and emotions HAVE to come out or else they will keep festering and come out later when we don't expect or want them to. We have to fully grieve the loss of our marriage, the loss of our partner, and the loss of the future we thought we had. I was able to talk to my therapist less than 24 hours after the bomb was dropped on me, and I was so thankful that he set me in the right direction. He said that, above all else, I needed to find a friend and/or family member to talk to about all of this. He literally asked me who I thought I could talk to. At that time I didn't WANT to talk to anyone, I was embarrassed and didn't know who could possibly understand. But I swallowed my pride and opted to try to take his advice - and it was the best advice possible. Talking about it, and crying about it, did help. And it became easier for me to talk about it as time went on. It's a long process to grieve and it takes awhile. I have never been through this, and I'm sure you haven't either. I think talking to someone in person is a great start to working through your thoughts - and keep posting here, people are honest and supportive here and most of us are going through similar situations.
worldgonewrong Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) My brother, everything you're going through is perfectly normal, and actually you're handling things rather well considering. One note re this: I feel I need closure of some kind, Do not look for that or seek it, because you aren't going to get it from someone who burnt her bridges. Find closure from within and be satisfied with that. See, the fantasy is (and Lord knows I've had it) you tell her how she wasted the relationship, right? Game, set, match. But it doesn't work like that, because there's a part of your heart (right now) that hopes she will react. It's the last gasp of wanting to see yourself in her eyes, which isn't healthy. That's what you're seeking, really. In time, you'll get to the point where you don't care how she will react, positive or negative, and the idea of closure - as contingent upon unloading on her - will seem fruitless, even silly. You know why? 'Cause you just won't give a flying fig about what she thinks anymore, at some point!! Edited October 22, 2012 by worldgonewrong 1
Author TheBell Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 You are right, the reaction i think of isn't love or regret, it's shame. I want her to feel ashamed. I know rationally that the conversation will not happen, I'll never see her again unless by accident, it's a fantasy like you say, but it is as base as me wanting her to feel bad because she hurt me. How childish is that!? Seems so ridiculous when pointed out like that, I think sometimes these things are over complicated. I'm basically wanting a measure of vengeance while wallowing in self pity. I need to get a grip.
Steen719 Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 You are right, the reaction i think of isn't love or regret, it's shame. I want her to feel ashamed. I know rationally that the conversation will not happen, I'll never see her again unless by accident, it's a fantasy like you say, but it is as base as me wanting her to feel bad because she hurt me. How childish is that!? Seems so ridiculous when pointed out like that, I think sometimes these things are over complicated. I'm basically wanting a measure of vengeance while wallowing in self pity. I need to get a grip. You will. Cut yourself some slack. It takes time and slowly you will get there. One day you will think to yourself that it does not matter so much and you are on your way to not caring. BTW, I know very few people who do not want their Xs to feel shame, sorry, remorseful, regretful or you fill in the blank. That is normal and why shouldn't we? We were hurt by people we loved. It will become less important to you. Best to you.
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