Coping.

[Sophia12345]

So me and my ex broke up around 8 months ago now following about half a year of slowly breaking away. I still though never saw it coming and to this day will never truely understand why but heyho. We were together for 5 years from the ages of 15-20.

 

Everyday has been a struggle, from getting out of bed to going to sleep at night. I think the worst part is experiencing new things and not being able to share it with my ex. I got offered a new job and was only happy for about 15 minutes when i realised I was about to move forward alone. For me thats the hardest part. I went through a place I told myself I would NEVER let myself get to. Im a strong person, I let nothing get to me but he was my weakness. He had the ability to break me to nothing and did so without thought. I do not though pass any blame, everyone has to move forward and grow up and if he felt that was without me then thats my problem to deal with. Throughout this whole experience I have never gone NC. I have obviously thought about it hundreds of times but I feel there is a respect between us which if I was to enforce NC would be lost. If i've made a horrendous mistake then so be it, only time will truely tell. Up untill now I would say my decision has landed me in an okay position. Yes some days are hell on earth as we speak quite regularly and he is now spending quite alot of his time and effort on on another girl but I can handle it. For as long as I can handle it I will remain freinds. I am not being used, he does not ask me for anything nor do I go out of my way to please him. Yes we do hang out but time has got us into a place in which we are both content with. I do not however believe this is completely over 'It's not over untill is over' springs to mind but I also do not think that I am holding on to hope. I am fully aware of the position I am in and everyday is different. I miss times we shared obviously, I miss doing our things but most of all I do miss my ex. But thats all it is, I miss my ex, the person he WAS not the person he is now. He has infact changed to become what seems to be careless. I would deffinately not even consider being in a relationship with him the way he is now.

 

Since breaking up I feel we have both just experienced dissapointment in aspects of our lives. Its like now were apart everything just keeps going wrong - I kind of find that funny! I have learnt not to look into anything or assume. Assumtions get you NO WHERE.

 

I hope everybody is having atleast an okay journey, you need to keep strong and remember its not really the end of the world xxxx

[Exit]

Erm... your post sounded like a lot of backwards logic and excuses to me. Not trying to offend. Take the very end for example "seems like since we've been apart, things keep going wrong, I find that funny. I don't read into anything though!" Apparently you do, or you wouldn't notice things like that, or say stuff like "it's not over until it's over".

 

The whole "I've never gone NC because we share a respect" thing sounds like an excuse to me. Is every person who has ever used NC to move on from a breakup doing it out of disrespect? No. Sometimes the most respectful thing you can do is accept that the time has come for the two of you to go down different paths. Instead you're still hanging out with him and waiting to see what pans out, meanwhile he's trying to have a new girlfriend. That doesn't exactly sound like respect to me.

 

It's nothing new. People always have interesting reasons to not do NC. "We respect each other, I don't want to seem bitter" etc. Ironically, the excuses people make have nothing to do with NC in the first place. NC is never about disrespect, never about bitterness, or any other ulterior motives. NC is about accepting that it's hard to let go unless you truly commit to going separate ways. Kind of like an alcoholic saying they can still drink once in a while --- that pretty much never works out.

 

I think mainly I pick up a scent of denial from your posting. It seems like you're trying to convince us readers, and yourself, that you aren't trying to hold on to hope. But you give yourself away when you say things like you feel this isn't over yet. You're trying to sound more carefree and ahead of the game than you really are, like a case of hoping that maybe if you say something convincingly enough it will become true. You are still holding on, and it's not good. Meanwhile he is starting to spend time and attention on someone new. You broke up 8 months ago. How long do you want to be in this frustrating position?

 

I'm sure it's scary losing the person you've been with from the ages of 15-20. Not too many young relationships last that long. Now you're faced with either starting over and looking for someone new, or hoping against hope that your investment of 5 years with this one person will pay off and they will come back so your story can continue. You're in that hard to navigate age group where people change. Nobody at 15 or even 20 knows themselves, or anyone else, well enough to start choosing who to spend a lifetime with. Yeah we all hear the stories about the couple that has been together since 8th grade but it's very rare.

 

Nothing I said is meant to offend or hurt you. Just trying to help you realize that you don't really sound as moved on as you're trying to. I think not going NC so far has been a mistake and I think it's going to be rough if you keep going like this. As you said, every day is a struggle, from waking up to going to sleep. I won't lie, that happens when you go NC too. The difference is, when you go NC, eventually that starts to get better. It may only improve one microscopic atom at a time, but as the days go by, that change adds up, and then suddenly one day you'll be eating lunch and you realize you didn't wake up and think about your ex that day. Whereas staying in touch makes every day unbearable, and there is no change taking place, so tomorrow will hurt as much as today did.

 

Do what is best for you. If you are confident in your decisions, go for it. But it doesn't sound like it's making you too happy so far. If you said you were loving every minute of it and just being optimistic and hoping something works out, I wouldn't bother you about it. I don't like hearing someone say every day is a struggle. One time I waited 4 months for a second chance with someone. I know every day felt like my skin was being peeled off. Finally giving up on that person hurt like hell. But once I let go, it did slowly get better.

Edited October 22, 2012 by Exit

[CopingGal]

So me and my ex broke up around 8 months ago now following about half a year of slowly breaking away. I still though never saw it coming and to this day will never truely understand why but heyho. We were together for 5 years from the ages of 15-20.

 

Everyday has been a struggle, from getting out of bed to going to sleep at night. I think the worst part is experiencing new things and not being able to share it with my ex. I got offered a new job and was only happy for about 15 minutes when i realised I was about to move forward alone. For me thats the hardest part. I went through a place I told myself I would NEVER let myself get to. Im a strong person, I let nothing get to me but he was my weakness. He had the ability to break me to nothing and did so without thought. I do not though pass any blame, everyone has to move forward and grow up and if he felt that was without me then thats my problem to deal with. Throughout this whole experience I have never gone NC. I have obviously thought about it hundreds of times but I feel there is a respect between us which if I was to enforce NC would be lost. If i've made a horrendous mistake then so be it, only time will truely tell. Up untill now I would say my decision has landed me in an okay position. Yes some days are hell on earth as we speak quite regularly and he is now spending quite alot of his time and effort on on another girl but I can handle it. For as long as I can handle it I will remain freinds. I am not being used, he does not ask me for anything nor do I go out of my way to please him. Yes we do hang out but time has got us into a place in which we are both content with. I do not however believe this is completely over 'It's not over untill is over' springs to mind but I also do not think that I am holding on to hope. I am fully aware of the position I am in and everyday is different. I miss times we shared obviously, I miss doing our things but most of all I do miss my ex. But thats all it is, I miss my ex, the person he WAS not the person he is now. He has infact changed to become what seems to be careless. I would deffinately not even consider being in a relationship with him the way he is now.

 

Since breaking up I feel we have both just experienced dissapointment in aspects of our lives. Its like now were apart everything just keeps going wrong - I kind of find that funny! I have learnt not to look into anything or assume. Assumtions get you NO WHERE.

 

I hope everybody is having atleast an okay journey, you need to keep strong and remember its not really the end of the world xxxx

 

 

Thanks for your encouragement. You're right, it's not the end of the world, but I think 8 months into a break up and it still being Hell on earth might indicate that you should have gone NC.

 

I can understand it still being hell on earth if he psychologically abused you, or physically abused you, if you dated a sociopath, etc. Those are very, very tough things to get over because of the intense pain these situations cause. I can understand if you had some events keep coming up, like you keep running into him and he's with a woman that he cheated with when he was dating you. But it doesn't seem like any of those things are happening.

 

So 8 months and sometimes it still being Hell on earth....I question if keeping in touch with him is a good idea.

[SuperGeek]

Sophia12345,

 

Wow, that was quite the read. I have to say you are definitely stronger than me. I couldn't handle watching my ex of 5 years move on to different people. I lasted about 30 days before I put in NC. I just wrote another post about my entire experience with it on another thread in the coping section.

 

I know everyone is different and some can handle being friends with exes, I just can't do it because I can't shut off the feelings for someone, especially if they left me and I wanted them to stay. I can't be friends if I dump someone either because then I constantly feel guilty about it and they then have to remind me constantly about it. I just can't do friends with exes... an EX is an EX for a reason (in my view).

 

Perhaps you staying in contact with him is making you stronger somehow????? I get stronger by getting away from an ex and moving on.

 

SuperGeek