Rebound girl finished the dating

[Sameold]

Was this girl a rebound? Maybe, but I was really enjoying our dates together and things had moved quite steadily over 3 months. Ironically it was her though that called me today and said that she knows we can't date forever and that shes not sure if things should progress anymore. We were supposed to be going away next month and I think this may have made her think about things in the bigger picture.

 

I don't really understand it as we were getting along really well, communication was very balanced and she had even willingly came out and met my friends etc. Guess I just don't understand women. This girl and her friend did tell me she has trust and other issues about being in a relationship from her previous experiences but she hasn't been in a relationship for 18 months now.

 

Maybe I was just fighting a losing battle. I learnt from being dumped by my ex though, I just said I don't want to see someone who doesn't want to see me and made sure I ended the conversation. She even said I was being really nice...meh, hopefully I handled this in the right way. It is nowhere near like losing my LTR of 4 years as I wanted to marry her but this seems like just another kick. Any thoughts are welcome, did I do ok here? Why did this happen? Friday night she kissed me on way home and I was introducing her to m mates, is she just scared. We are both 26.

[Balzac]

Age 26, dating for 3 months, kissing. Hmmmm. I must have missed something.

[Sameold]

Sorry Balzac? I don't understand your point.

 

We were just dating, seeing each other on average once a week normally in form of meal, cinema, or hanging out in my bedroom (normally involved lots of playing around but nothing sexual as such) not beyond heavy petting etc.

 

I don't understand why she seemed to carry this on for so long to then just bin it. It really backs up what people told me when I started seeing her, that she just can't commit and gets scared as moving things on. You can't just date forever though, life isn't about that.

 

I have nothing against this girl, she did the right thing if she can't commit but it is a shame. I really liked her, just seems a slumber party with her cynical sister was the push to overthink everything and end what we had.

[Sameold]

We hadn't had sex in that time as we both live with our parents at the moment too and never really had that alone time(both moved home for different reasons). Her Dad cheated on her mum after 20 years and she moved home to support her whereas a job meant I came back home. We never spent the night together as she said she would only do that if she was in a r/s with someone but the irony there is that she can't commit.

[Balzac]

I was unclear what the push for commitment was about. After your greater detail it sounds as if she's got commitment phobia.

[Sameold]

I guess I wanted us to go away next month for a few reasons:

 

1) I wanted to get to know her by spending lots of time together in diff situations

 

2) I felt like after that length of time and dates we should potentially sleep together, she knew I wanted this (this wasn't a deal breaker).

 

I guess my view is that you can't just keep "dating" and be in this grey area forever. I liked her and having dated since July I think it is right that I should be trying to move things forward at an appropriate pace. I find it very odd that she was so happy to date for so long and just drop me over a random phone call.

[CptSaveAho]

Really? The saying "nice guys" finish last come to mind?

 

3 months and you didnt have sex with her? Grow a pair of balls.

 

Stop looking for a reason to blame her why the relationship didnt work...

 

Here's several on you

1) You question her kissing you after 3 months

2) You are rebounding

3) You didnt have sex with her

4) You are not over your last relationship

 

I could probably keep going on... stop focusing on using other people to find happiness and focus on your life soley.... living at home with parents at 26.... (BAD) is a great place to start.

[Calico]

Throughout this relationship with her, you've been posting here about your unresolved and simmering feelings (mostly of suppressed anger) regarding your ex, so I'm not sure how emotionally committed you were (could be) to this new girl. Were you really ready? It may not have been just her "fault" that it did not work out.

 

I think it may just have been too early and you'd be better off with some close friends (female ones too) rather than a new romantic partner.

[CptSaveAho]

i think it may just have been too early and you'd be better off with some close friends (female ones too) rather than a new romantic partner.

 

no female friends.... Get some male friends

[Sameold]

Really? The saying "nice guys" finish last come to mind?

 

3 months and you didnt have sex with her? Grow a pair of balls. - i do not go around r.aping people, the appropriate opportunity never arose

 

Stop looking for a reason to blame her why the relationship didnt work...

 

Here's several on you

1) You question her kissing you after 3 months - am i missing something here? I kissed her on my 2nd date with her and loads each time we were together. I had my hands on her a.ss as we lay in bed

2) You are rebounding - not really, i really like this girl and have any issues very seperate in my mind. infact i hadnt even posted on here for a little while and have been doing very well recently.

3) You didnt have sex with her - as above, i'm not a r.apist and im not going to subject a girl i like to a fumble.

4) You are not over your last relationship - true, but i am getting there.

 

I could probably keep going on... stop focusing on using other people to find happiness and focus on your life soley.... living at home with parents at 26.... (BAD) is a great place to start.

 

Yes 26 and at home as on a secondment from another city. I moved out at 18 and am back for 6 months due to work.

[Sameold]

Throughout this relationship with her, you've been posting here about your unresolved and simmering feelings (mostly of suppressed anger) regarding your ex, so I'm not sure how emotionally committed you were (could be) to this new girl. Were you really ready? It may not have been just her "fault" that it did not work out.

 

I think it may just have been too early and you'd be better off with some close friends (female ones too) rather than a new romantic partner.

 

Cheers for the response Calico, always value your thoughts. Re the ex I am in a much better place, I don't think about her day to day and my energy was on the new girl, it has been difficult though as we have always been in a "grey" area not knowing where we were exactly. We were exclusive but not bf/gf, strange eh. Mosty due to her hang-ups on "labelling".

 

I was warned by her and her mate that she has big commitment issues and is pretty scared og getting in to anything too formal, probably why she hasnt had a bf for 18 months despite being extremely attractive.

 

I'm not sure how to play this now, I don't hold anything against her and appreciate her honesty but if there is a way to try and get on track again it would be nice. On the phone I explained I wanted to ultimately go out with someone who wanted to see me, call me, do stuff off their own back etc and if she doesn't want that then that is fine. I was polite and she even said I was being really nice about it, I could here her getting upset towards the end too. I made sure I ended the call. Her best friend is going out with my best mate so I presume I may learn more, who knows...

Edited October 22, 2012 by Sameold
detail

[Sameold]

Any advice guys? Can I do anything to get back on track here or does this girl just have too many issues to contemplate a relationship?

[Calico]

Any advice guys? Can I do anything to get back on track here or does this girl just have too many issues to contemplate a relationship?

 

I think it's too soon for you, regardless of her issues. You keep making this about her, but I really do believe you need more time on your own without having a romantic partner or a love interest. It's kind of like letting the bread you took out of the freezer thaw before you slap a slice of salami on it and try to eat it.

 

But okay, let's assume for a moment that I think you should be in a relationship (hypothetically!), I'd ask what you feel your options are. What can you do in regard to her? Her issues are her own, you can't fix those for her. If she doesn't want to be with you (reasons don't matter, in the end), the "obvious choice" is to walk away from it. If she wants you and is able/willing to tackle her issues, she'll come after you. If she doesn't, or can't, you can't wait around and waste time/life.

 

But from your perspective, what are the options currently available to you? And from your view, what are the up- and downsides of each?

[Mcnulty]

Cptsaveaho...new member my arse! I know who you are.

 

He needs to grow a pair because he didn't have sex with her? Ha, what a stupid comment. He liked her a lot, is puzzled/bemused by her inaction and decision to call it a day..he posts on here for advice...totally valid reason, so quit being so judgemental.

 

She has been honest mate, end of. I'd view it as a lesson, the warnings were there, that she is afraid of getting serious. Think you handled it quite well with her.

 

On to getting your life going forward...good luck.

[Sameold]

I think it's too soon for you, regardless of her issues. You keep making this about her, but I really do believe you need more time on your own without having a romantic partner or a love interest. It's kind of like letting the bread you took out of the freezer thaw before you slap a slice of salami on it and try to eat it.

 

But okay, let's assume for a moment that I think you should be in a relationship (hypothetically!), I'd ask what you feel your options are. What can you do in regard to her? Her issues are her own, you can't fix those for her. If she doesn't want to be with you (reasons don't matter, in the end), the "obvious choice" is to walk away from it. If she wants you and is able/willing to tackle her issues, she'll come after you. If she doesn't, or can't, you can't wait around and waste time/life.

 

But from your perspective, what are the options currently available to you? And from your view, what are the up- and downsides of each?

 

Well like I said before I made sure I wasn't angry or upset on the phone, kept it pretty simple and she even said I was being nice etc. I think I handled myself well. I guess now I want to give myself the best chance of potentially seeing her again and seeing if there is anything behind these wierd perceptions of relationships she seemed to have developed.

 

My options:

 

1) send a text now reaffirming my desire to see her and expressing my dissapointment. State my understanding of her thoughts and say that should she want to see me again with no pressure that it would be nice.

 

2) send that same message in a few days, let her have some time without me calling/texting etc as we have been in contact everyday for 3 months.

 

3) Send no text. The upside here is you could say she will chase me if she really wants it but then I believe on flipside that if she does have commitment issues me just walking off like I never cared anyway doesn't bode well. She is an attractive girl and it wouldn't be her style to come begging for me.

 

One concern is that if she does have these issues is there really any future anyway. I was once told that at the begining of the relationship/dating two of you should be at 100% commitment and clearly for whatever reason she is not. I guess I want to test this a bit by getting in contact one final time. It does me no harm to leave the door open a jar, I'm not going to start texting her loads I just want one last text to summarise my feelings and then the ball is firmly in her court. I have no issue with the girl, she has been hinest and confronted some concerns, even if on face value they seem a bit extreme and over the top. I don't need to cut her out my life, nothing like my ex. We were just having a good time and it would be great to have it back and see if something more might develop.

[Liz2012]

If you're kinda on the rebound then her intuition would have picked up on that. Plus if she has issues on commitment she picked you probably because you are another that fulfils that prophecy for her. She needs to pick more available men. Sorry, I'm not normally this blunt but didn't sound like you are fully and if she has issues then you're going to hurt her more down the line so maybe this is for the best?

 

If you take some time out, things might pick up again when it's ready. But does sound like she's not ready for commitment and in some ways picks guys that aren't really at their core - and maybe after 3 months she could feel a change in you - maybe you were more ready and she isn't?

[Sameold]

Honestly this isn't to do with my ex, maybe I was stupid naming this thread title "Rebound girl" but I guess I just put that as I knew that's what everyone would say.

 

Genuinely my life is going well again and she has had a big part to play in it. It just feels like she has panicked after spending the weekend with her sister who is pretty cynical. She was always really weary about putting tags on things so I was just enjoying it and having fun. Then boom it comes crashing down.

 

I don't think she picks unavailable men, infact she has been single for 18 months and barely been on dates during that time. She just seems locked down and gets scraed at the thought of getting closer to others after some experiences she has gone through. It feels like she lacks the emotional maturity to let others fully in to her life.

 

I'm gutted to be honest, this seemed like a really good thing in my life that could have gone further. I'll send her a text in the week just saying how I feel in a very non-pressured way and then leave the ball in her court. Like you say, at this moment she clearly isn't ready.

Edited October 22, 2012 by Sameold

[Sameold]

I'm just thinking what to text her now, I know I need to keep it light and ultimately leave it up to her.

[Sameold]

Ok slept on it and will text her tonight just saying I was having a good time and I think she was too and that we shouldn't have expectations, lets just have fun with no pressure.

 

Is thus ok? Then I just leave it.

[Sameold]

Anyone? Don't want to mess this up now, I know my next step is key.

[Sameold]

Well Gibson I always listen to what you say and this time when she called me and started being all flaky I was calm. I just said that's fine, I don't want to see someone who's not sure about seeing me. I made sure I just said it was a shame and I made sure I ended the conversation despite her clearly seeming to get a bit upset.

 

So this isn't quite the same and obv I'm not trying to save a 4 year relationship like I was before. This time I guess I just want to maximise my appeal and I figure sending a casual message with my standpoint is a strong thing to do. Then just leave it and move on? If she realises she misses the fun we were having she can contact me.

[Mcnulty]

Do not send her jack ****!

 

Leave it be man, it's gone.

[Sameold]

I think that is what is hard Gibbo, I really was enjoying things and was very chilled out. Seems like she was exactly what you've just described and has gone all funny over labels. End of the day I need to chill, you are right and if this does come back then it will be because she is relaxed about it. If she knew I was so sad about all this and analysing it to death she would def run a million miles.

 

McNulty - appreciate what your saying but I only lock doors when I've used the appropriate key or so to speak so if I have issues/unfinished business I need to do my best to see it out otherwise I could have regrets.

[Mcnulty]

If she knew I was so sad about all this and analysing it to death she would def run a million miles.

 

Right there! There is no congruence with you two!

 

You're hiding who you are from her, for fear of completely losing her...is this healthy? Nope.

[JayL]

Here are several reasons...

 

1) She's interested in "something" about you, but not entirely you, hence she wanted to take her time to figure out what she really feels for you. Perhaps, she may have tried to build the emotional connection based on your characteristic(s) that she likes, but it's just not enough. That's why it went on for months, but got nowhere. This explains why she was never "committed" to you as well in those 3 months. You've been strung along, but be happy that you've been strung along only for 3 months, not years.

 

2) 3 months and no sex? Hung out once a week? There's "going too fast" and there's also "going too slow". You go too fast, you miss the red flags, you go too slow, and the green grass will wither before you get there.

 

1st Month : 1-2 a week.

2nd Month : 2-3 a week.

3rd Month : You should have a solid grip on the ground with her and it's up to you both if you want to keep it the same way or spend more time together so the bond can get stronger.

 

3) She sensed that you're not fully ready, hence got scared off that she might get hurt and she shut down.

 

Both #1 and #2 are coming from my own experience. Although, if two people are really "into each other", then going too fast isn't an issue as feelings are mutual. If not, then you've got your answer.

Edited October 24, 2012 by JayL