a.b Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 So my last two relationships have gone sour, I feel like they have both used me until something better came along and boom they were gone. I've always had trust issues, not just in relationships. I used to think my friends didn't like me at some stages of my life. And I found myself not thinking very trustfully towards my recent ex (turns out I was right to) but I can feel this turning into a big problem in the future if I don't get a hold of it. I have decided as part of my moving on process that I should try improving myself, and even though there is no excuse for cheaters it would be foolish to believe I was faultless in this relationship. Any help would be much appreciated?
fiser360 Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I totally understand where you are coming from with the trust issues. Mine stemmed from a past relationship, before then I would trust just about anything anyone would say. But like you, now I even question the simplest of relationships and things people tell me. I really don't know what to tell you on how to get away from that, because I am struggling with it myself. I think trying to work on yourself is a splendid idea though, in the past I have done some really good things in an effort to 'move on'. At the end of that time, I realized what I was trying to move on from, I didnt even want anymore. I hope that things work out for you. 1
Author a.b Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Exactly, trust is the foundation of a good relationship. It can't work with out it. I know the same will happen in my next relationship and it will get worse. Anyone with some helpful tip and insights?
River Rain Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I have had trust issues as well. My ex could have destroyed my trust in men if I let him, but I vowed that I would follow this advice: "Love like you've never been hurt". I go in whole hog when I meet someone now. Rather than assuming I'll be lied to and betrayed, I assume I'll be told truths and treated with genuine honesty. I'm sure I'll get burned at some point! But I'd rather take those risks and I'll just force myself to bounce right back. Like right now I'm in an online dating situation. I haven't heard from him in a few days and my first instinct is to get out of it, I can't trust him, he's just like the others....but then I calm myself and remember that there is no reward without any risk. That's not to say I'll be a doormat, but I have to at least try to be trusting. It's not easy to do, but I think it's so important because lack of trust only makes you insecure.
fiser360 Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I have had trust issues as well. My ex could have destroyed my trust in men if I let him, but I vowed that I would follow this advice: "Love like you've never been hurt". I go in whole hog when I meet someone now. Rather than assuming I'll be lied to and betrayed, I assume I'll be told truths and treated with genuine honesty. I'm sure I'll get burned at some point! But I'd rather take those risks and I'll just force myself to bounce right back. Like right now I'm in an online dating situation. I haven't heard from him in a few days and my first instinct is to get out of it, I can't trust him, he's just like the others....but then I calm myself and remember that there is no reward without any risk. That's not to say I'll be a doormat, but I have to at least try to be trusting. It's not easy to do, but I think it's so important because lack of trust only makes you insecure. I love this whole thing. This is exactly what I would suggest and have been trying to do with my own relationships. Its the only way to ever make something work with someone new again.
River Rain Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Oh and another thing that has really worked well for me? I don't have FB, texting on my phone or email notifications. My conversation/relationship is with HIM only, I don't have the option to "check up" on him - which I think destroys a lot of people's relationships. It makes people way too distrustful when they have no reason to be.
River Rain Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I love this whole thing. This is exactly what I would suggest and have been trying to do with my own relationships. Its the only way to ever make something work with someone new again. Yes, and it's such a shame when I see people lamenting for weeks, months, years from a breakup or betrayal. You only live once. You have to go for it, but you also have to be prepared to take a few hits along the way. But sure, I have down moments, like this morning, no contact from New Guy...so I'm all like...he's with another girl, I bet he's not single, I bet he's avoiding me or playing games....Okay Rain...calm down, lol....trust in the fact that he told you on Friday that he really liked you....silly me. We all need to slow down a little. But back on track...yeah, we have to live as though tomorrow may not be there.
Author a.b Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 You only live once. You have to go for it, but you also have to be prepared to take a few hits along the way. I like this, it's true. But I think this anyway. I just can't help it, I convince myself that all is not well and I go all negative. It's like a fire burning in me, and I need to extinguish it. It's mainly when I have to much time on my hands and get thinking, over thinking everything and analyising everything. It's eating me alive.
Author a.b Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 I like this, it's true. But I think this anyway. I just can't help it, I convince myself that all is not well and I go all negative. It's like a fire burning in me, and I need to extinguish it. It's mainly when I have to much time on my hands and get thinking, over thinking everything and analyising everything. It's eating me alive. And the fact that I was right just strengthens these negative thoughts. :s
River Rain Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I like this, it's true. But I think this anyway. I just can't help it, I convince myself that all is not well and I go all negative. It's like a fire burning in me, and I need to extinguish it. It's mainly when I have to much time on my hands and get thinking, over thinking everything and analyising everything. It's eating me alive. I'm on disability from a work accident back in 2003, so I know all about too much time on your hands! A good way to work on trust issues is to build your own self-confidence and to enjoy being alone doing things you love. If you're focused on hobbies, education...whatever stimulates your mind and soul, you are less likely to allow the negative thoughts to take over. And it's about changing the inner voice too, if it eats you up, have a list of things to do to change your setting, your mood, your behaviour etc...you have to train yourself to be more positive, it doesn't always come naturally, and that's the foundation of being able to trust, I think.
River Rain Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 And the fact that I was right just strengthens these negative thoughts. :s Think of it like you had bad luck. That's how I think of it with my ex, he lied through his teeth and I didn't have a clue until it was over. But I can't blame the next guy for what he did, it's just not fair. We have to go in fresh and hopeful.
Author a.b Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Yeah that's good advice, and it's things I do. I mean I am a sea cadet instructor, studying a degree with the Open Universuty and I'm going to Africa in august. Believe me it's not like I haven't got much going on, but I think I have realised my big problem. All these things take a back seat when I get into a relationship, I don't stop doing these things but I find myself doing them merely to get them out the way so I can be with them again. I put Africa on hold because I didn't want to disappear so soon in a relationship. Maybe if I work on my 'clingyness' if you like I will improve my self confidence and self worth, therefore become a more trusting person.
River Rain Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Yeah that's good advice, and it's things I do. I mean I am a sea cadet instructor, studying a degree with the Open Universuty and I'm going to Africa in august. Believe me it's not like I haven't got much going on, but I think I have realised my big problem. All these things take a back seat when I get into a relationship, I don't stop doing these things but I find myself doing them merely to get them out the way so I can be with them again. I put Africa on hold because I didn't want to disappear so soon in a relationship. Maybe if I work on my 'clingyness' if you like I will improve my self confidence and self worth, therefore become a more trusting person. I've been clingy too, and guilty of putting my hobbies aside for a relationship. It happens to the best of us! But sure, if you can work on your independence, that will go a long way because when we lose ourselves in a relationship, we depend on the "us" for fulfillment, and then the trust issues come up if we don't feel that fulfillment. Was it you in another post saying you were going to teach kids in Africa? I think that is very admirable and you should make that a priority because it will fulfill you. Are there other things that you would consider a passion, something you couldn't imagine giving up for another person?
Author a.b Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 I've been clingy too, and guilty of putting my hobbies aside for a relationship. It happens to the best of us! But sure, if you can work on your independence, that will go a long way because when we lose ourselves in a relationship, we depend on the "us" for fulfillment, and then the trust issues come up if we don't feel that fulfillment. Was it you in another post saying you were going to teach kids in Africa? I think that is very admirable and you should make that a priority because it will fulfill you. Are there other things that you would consider a passion, something you couldn't imagine giving up for another person? Yeah it probably was, all booked off to Ghana too coach sports in august! I love sports, and I remember there was a time I would never miss a Liverpool game! In my last relationship I found myself missing games for her, which is not a bad thing sometimes I suppose (and she never made me) but I gave things up too easily.....That i need to work on. Thank you for the help by the way!
River Rain Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Yeah it probably was, all booked off to Ghana too coach sports in august! I love sports, and I remember there was a time I would never miss a Liverpool game! In my last relationship I found myself missing games for her, which is not a bad thing sometimes I suppose (and she never made me) but I gave things up too easily.....That i need to work on. Thank you for the help by the way! I'm glad to help, it helps me too. Well, you know, giving up a few footie games isn't a bad thing...but if you really love something, don't give it up for another person's attention because it only makes you resentful in the end. My education is paramount for me and I'm going back to university full time in the winter session. My ex had me convinced to move in with him (where there was no university in driving range at all) and do my education through distance learning. I had been so excited about going back to school, I wanted the full experience, but I nearly gave that up for him, omg....hindsight... 1
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