tornandconfused12 Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I posted previously about the situation with my WS and what took place with his coworker: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/350780-not-sure-how-i-feel-after-wss-affair. WS and I are supposed to be working on reconciliation but I'm still on the fence on whether or not I plan to follow through on that. As the BS I'm not sure I can commit to reconciliation with him. Not only have I lost the trust I had for him but finding out some of the things he did - mostly the extent of the lies - also caused me to lose a lot of respect for him. I have been honest with him that I'm not sure I can continue in our marriage so he is fully aware of my position on this. Here's something that is bothering me a great deal. WS fooled around with someone he worked with and they continue to work in fairly close proximity to one another. WS is working on getting a different job with the same employer but in a different location about 30 miles away from the current. He took this upon himself to do and that's fine. Them seeing each other everyday, of course it bothers me. I wonder about daily contact and how it could re-ignite things between the two of them. OTOH, 30 miles separation in job locations won't stop anything if they really want to be together in some way, shape or form.....seems to me anyway. I have been very supportive and pushing the idea of him working elsewhere but now I'm not so sure it'll really solve anything aside from daily contact. The daily contact part is a big deal but I just don't know if it will really solve anything. Additionally his AP's fiance' and I are still in contact. They are also trying to work things out. She allows her fiance' access to her work email and there was an email from my WS to her this past week that was odd. It's hard to describe without being too specific but while it was sort of work-related it did carry a tone of my husband still trying to impress her and get attention from her. She responded to his email only with a "Thanks!" and nothing else. It was definitely him reaching out to her and via email she didn't show any interest whatsoever. However, I'm not naive enough to not consider she's just "acting right" because she knows her employer or fiance' can see whatever she sends out. OTOH, if she's now being honest in her relationship than my husband's actions are stalkerish at best. Which creeps me out. It seems like finding out information regarding an affair is a bottomless pit, it never ends.
BetrayedH Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 My wife's affair was with her boss. She had a 20+ year career with this Fortune 100 company and I tried not to force her to end her career. She ended the affair. I gave her 90 days to no longer work with this man. She agreed to no personal contact (no physical contact of any kind and no emotional conversations or connection) in the meantime. I had full transparency from her (including access to her work stuff) but the fact is that they could have left on another "lunch meeting" any day and I wouldn't have known. Or they could have kept texting on their company phones as I couldn't monitor the texting (just her emails and files). About 45 days in, I lost my mind with thoughts of him bending her over his desk while I was at my job. It truly broke me even though I otherwise had what appeared to be a truly remorseful spouse. It was a well-intentioned error on my part but an error nonetheless. I think you continue to encourage his change in jobs. It will be one less thing on your mind. The trouble, as usual, is that you can't prove a negative. You'll never be 100% certain that he's not in an affair with her (or other people for that matter) for the foreseeable future. If they want to resume, they will. But this change in jobs is yet one more chance for him to demonstrate the consistent actions over time that you will need in order to believe him "more" than you do today. Otherwise, yes you are correct; infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. Good luck with whatever you choose. With all of the decisions that were taken away from us during the affair, this one belongs to you and you alone.
Author tornandconfused12 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 What did the fiance think about the email? The fiance' seems to be relatively suspicious but not sure what to think. I think he wants to give her the benefit of the doubt and believes at this point if there is any pursuing at all, it my husband pursuing his girlfriend. He could be right but there's no way for either of us to know for sure what happens off email. The fiance' seems to waffle between suspicion and denial and understandably his emotions are all over the place. The fiance' told me recently his GF told him there was no ongoing communication between she and my WS. Her fiance' says he believes her for the most part.
Author tornandconfused12 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 My wife's affair was with her boss. She had a 20+ year career with this Fortune 100 company and I tried not to force her to end her career. She ended the affair. I gave her 90 days to no longer work with this man. She agreed to no personal contact (no physical contact of any kind and no emotional conversations or connection) in the meantime. I had full transparency from her (including access to her work stuff) but the fact is that they could have left on another "lunch meeting" any day and I wouldn't have known. Or they could have kept texting on their company phones as I couldn't monitor the texting (just her emails and files). About 45 days in, I lost my mind with thoughts of him bending her over his desk while I was at my job. It truly broke me even though I otherwise had what appeared to be a truly remorseful spouse. It was a well-intentioned error on my part but an error nonetheless. I think you continue to encourage his change in jobs. It will be one less thing on your mind. The trouble, as usual, is that you can't prove a negative. You'll never be 100% certain that he's not in an affair with her (or other people for that matter) for the foreseeable future. If they want to resume, they will. But this change in jobs is yet one more chance for him to demonstrate the consistent actions over time that you will need in order to believe him "more" than you do today. Otherwise, yes you are correct; infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. Good luck with whatever you choose. With all of the decisions that were taken away from us during the affair, this one belongs to you and you alone. I definitely get what you are saying. I think I am frustrated more than anything, frustrated I have to deal with this in the first place. You are right in there's no way to know 100% an affair is ongoing or not. I do think I would probably feel better if his job was located elsewhere but at the same time it also feels hopeless because so many of those affair-related decisions were taken away from me initially....goes back to that 'how do I really know.' Seems like the 'loop thinking' in my head is just another vicious circle. Thus far it has been difficult for me to make a concrete decision as to the final outcome.
BetrayedH Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I definitely get what you are saying. I think I am frustrated more than anything, frustrated I have to deal with this in the first place. You are right in there's no way to know 100% an affair is ongoing or not. I do think I would probably feel better if his job was located elsewhere but at the same time it also feels hopeless because so many of those affair-related decisions were taken away from me initially....goes back to that 'how do I really know.' Seems like the 'loop thinking' in my head is just another vicious circle. Thus far it has been difficult for me to make a concrete decision as to the final outcome. The good news is that you're not under a time crunch to make a decision. The way that I looked at it was that I had already spent 18 years in the relationship. So what was the big deal with investing another few months to determine if I had one of those "truly remorseful" spouses or not? In the meantime, I was hypervigilant and didn't really regret the investigating. Seems to me that you eventually get somewhere close to the truth. It took me seven months to determine that my "remorseful" wife was still a liar with a straight face and so now I really don't regret moving on without her. I think it helped for me to feel that I gave it a legitimate effort and eventually determined that divorcing was an ok thing to do. I certainly don't sit around wishing I had those 7 months back. I mean I guess that would be nice but comparatively, who cares about it? You can decide on your own when you feel you know the truth enough or when you have just had enough of trying to figure it out and feel ok about throwing in the towel. Those that stick it out seem to turn a corner somewhere after year two, sometimes reporting that the second was worse than the first because the WS starts to reduce their efforts and the BS still isn't ready to be in with both feet. I also think the trauma subsides a bit after the first year (we feel safe that our wayward won't leave) and it becomes safe for us to vent our anger. But a corner seems to get turned somewhere around years 3-4 when consistent actions over time have made an impact. The question for most is whether or not you can "fake it til you make it" that long. It's an enormous amount of patience to ask of anyone. But those that make it don't regret having salvaged the family for themselves, their wayward spouse, or for their kids. They almost always will say that they hate that this has to be part of their marital history but some form of acceptance kicks in and the benefit of the salvaged relationship truly outweighs the pain that becomes more of a distant memory. I didn't make it so I couldn't begin to advise you how to overcome those years but I know it happens and can list a quick half dozen long term posters here that are glad they did. 1
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 As long as they are still working together, seeing each other daily, no way will your trust come back. Not in words in emails, I wouldn't bank anything on that - It's just seeing each other and making eye contact is what would bug me most. How can they get over each other and make feelings less and less, if they are face to face daily? He has to transfer or quit his job, otherwise this is going to be a lot harder to work through. No decision has to be made now, time is on your side.. 2
Author tornandconfused12 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 As long as they are still working together, seeing each other daily, no way will your trust come back. Not in words in emails, I wouldn't bank anything on that - It's just seeing each other and making eye contact is what would bug me most. How can they get over each other and make feelings less and less, if they are face to face daily? He has to transfer or quit his job, otherwise this is going to be a lot harder to work through. No decision has to be made now, time is on your side.. I definitely get what you're saying and have read/been told that by many. I tend to agree. However....while I still agree.....I just wonder if it'll make any difference if they decide they want to enter an affair again. I don't know if it makes any difference but it would still be the same employer, just a different location for him. Sorry if that sounds dumb/weird....just a lot of different things have been running through my mind lately, not all of them make much sense.
Author tornandconfused12 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 The good news is that you're not under a time crunch to make a decision. The way that I looked at it was that I had already spent 18 years in the relationship. So what was the big deal with investing another few months to determine if I had one of those "truly remorseful" spouses or not? In the meantime, I was hypervigilant and didn't really regret the investigating. Seems to me that you eventually get somewhere close to the truth. It took me seven months to determine that my "remorseful" wife was still a liar with a straight face and so now I really don't regret moving on without her. I think it helped for me to feel that I gave it a legitimate effort and eventually determined that divorcing was an ok thing to do. I certainly don't sit around wishing I had those 7 months back. I mean I guess that would be nice but comparatively, who cares about it? You can decide on your own when you feel you know the truth enough or when you have just had enough of trying to figure it out and feel ok about throwing in the towel. Those that stick it out seem to turn a corner somewhere after year two, sometimes reporting that the second was worse than the first because the WS starts to reduce their efforts and the BS still isn't ready to be in with both feet. I also think the trauma subsides a bit after the first year (we feel safe that our wayward won't leave) and it becomes safe for us to vent our anger. But a corner seems to get turned somewhere around years 3-4 when consistent actions over time have made an impact. The question for most is whether or not you can "fake it til you make it" that long. It's an enormous amount of patience to ask of anyone. But those that make it don't regret having salvaged the family for themselves, their wayward spouse, or for their kids. They almost always will say that they hate that this has to be part of their marital history but some form of acceptance kicks in and the benefit of the salvaged relationship truly outweighs the pain that becomes more of a distant memory. I didn't make it so I couldn't begin to advise you how to overcome those years but I know it happens and can list a quick half dozen long term posters here that are glad they did. 20+ years here and like you, some more months won't make much difference to me. I also have been hypervigilant in what I do to investigate and have only stopped short of a P.I. and putting GPS on his car. However, I've talked to a PI who I would hire if I felt it necessary (have been considering it more and more lately). I've got a keylogger on his computer, I know exactly what takes place with his cell phone, I have access to his work and personal email, I know his boss personally and she and I have met to discuss the situation more than once, a coworker of his who "has it in" for WS's AP (and I think my WS at this point) so she isn't afraid to leak information when she sees it, and a whole floor of the building he works in is occupied by my co-workers (my company employs 8000+ but I know most of the people that work on that particular floor of his building). I used to be surprised that my WS would take the chances he did, given how many people who know me and are around him/AP daily but the more I've learned about those who engage in an affair, I'm now not surprised at all. Perhaps astounded but no longer surprised. This situation has opened my eyes to a lot. What I worry about is what you mentioned - the ability to lie with a straight face. My WS was able to do this during the few months he and his AP were spending time together. I figure if he could do it then, he most certainly could do it again. After I started paying attention, after I had become suspicious, I realized he really wasn't a very good liar like I made him out to be initially.....I just trusted him previous to all this B.S. and didn't see the need to look into things. Then again, bad liar or not, I'm not real sure I want to wait around and see if he ever pulls this again. Deciding whether or not to stay has been a very up and down process and I still feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. One day I don't even want to be in the same part of the house as he's in, the next day I'm fine and we get along great. Hopefully when I do make my final decision it won't feel like just another turn on the roller coaster. **and thanks for sharing your experience.
BetrayedH Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I definitely get what you're saying and have read/been told that by many. I tend to agree. However....while I still agree.....I just wonder if it'll make any difference if they decide they want to enter an affair again. I don't know if it makes any difference but it would still be the same employer, just a different location for him. Sorry if that sounds dumb/weird....just a lot of different things have been running through my mind lately, not all of them make much sense. The change won't stop them if they want to continue the affair. But then again, nothing will. But it may aid in your reconciliation if he does move. And your R might be prevented if he doesn't. To be honest, you don't want to stop him; he has to find the desire to change from within himself. You want to give him rope and verify that what he says is true. If you don't mind me asking, did your H disclose that he emailed the OW? I don't recommend you reveal your sources but I would make clear to hom that you expect him to voluntarily disclose any contact. And yeah, the fiance's "innocent" reply wouldn't mean jack to me either if they know they are being monitored.
BetrayedH Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 20+ years here and like you, some more months won't make much difference to me. I also have been hypervigilant in what I do to investigate and have only stopped short of a P.I. and putting GPS on his car. However, I've talked to a PI who I would hire if I felt it necessary (have been considering it more and more lately). I've got a keylogger on his computer, I know exactly what takes place with his cell phone, I have access to his work and personal email, I know his boss personally and she and I have met to discuss the situation more than once, a coworker of his who "has it in" for WS's AP (and I think my WS at this point) so she isn't afraid to leak information when she sees it, and a whole floor of the building he works in is occupied by my co-workers (my company employs 8000+ but I know most of the people that work on that particular floor of his building). I used to be surprised that my WS would take the chances he did, given how many people who know me and are around him/AP daily but the more I've learned about those who engage in an affair, I'm now not surprised at all. Perhaps astounded but no longer surprised. This situation has opened my eyes to a lot. What I worry about is what you mentioned - the ability to lie with a straight face. My WS was able to do this during the few months he and his AP were spending time together. I figure if he could do it then, he most certainly could do it again. After I started paying attention, after I had become suspicious, I realized he really wasn't a very good liar like I made him out to be initially.....I just trusted him previous to all this B.S. and didn't see the need to look into things. Then again, bad liar or not, I'm not real sure I want to wait around and see if he ever pulls this again. Deciding whether or not to stay has been a very up and down process and I still feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. One day I don't even want to be in the same part of the house as he's in, the next day I'm fine and we get along great. Hopefully when I do make my final decision it won't feel like just another turn on the roller coaster. **and thanks for sharing your experience. My first reaction to this post is that it all sounds very normal to me. You head is on straight. I don't recall all of the details of your story but I do remember not being very convinced that he is truly remorseful because of honesty issues that were still occuring. Otherwise I would just say that I found more long term benefit from a GPS than I did from a PI. I had a PI tail my W when I thought she was going to connect with the OM. She didn't and it cost me $200 to verify one night of honesty. But the GPS allows much longer term verification and cost the same $200 (unless you want the "live" tracking one which costs $500 plus a subscription). The first one did the trick for me but I wish I had bought the second one to avoid the need for retrieval from the car. There are times that instant relief of anxiety also would have helped my mental state rather than making some, "Where the hell are you?" phone call.
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I definitely get what you're saying and have read/been told that by many. I tend to agree. However....while I still agree.....I just wonder if it'll make any difference if they decide they want to enter an affair again. I don't know if it makes any difference but it would still be the same employer, just a different location for him. Sorry if that sounds dumb/weird....just a lot of different things have been running through my mind lately, not all of them make much sense. It's not that the A will start up again (physically) but emotionally they are still connecting, even if they aren't spending time together on a personal level. They are attached emotionally (not sure how much time has passed since the A ended) and that's an issue. Something is still being fed (ego's etc) by them seeing and passing each other in the hallways. Most go total NC, never to see or speak to their AP's once the A ends, in this case, they still 'see' each other and on some level that might be enough for them to get a 'jolt' or 'fix' so they aren't in withdrawal from one another. Hope this makes sense.
Author tornandconfused12 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 It's not that the A will start up again (physically) but emotionally they are still connecting, even if they aren't spending time together on a personal level. They are attached emotionally (not sure how much time has passed since the A ended) and that's an issue. Something is still being fed (ego's etc) by them seeing and passing each other in the hallways. Most go total NC, never to see or speak to their AP's once the A ends, in this case, they still 'see' each other and on some level that might be enough for them to get a 'jolt' or 'fix' so they aren't in withdrawal from one another. Hope this makes sense. Yes, it absolutely does make sense and especially as it pertains to my WS. I don't doubt there was involvement on both sides but I think he was more emotionally involved than she was. As I have found out from multiple sources, she's got about 5 or 6 older guys at work on the line (all are 25+ years older than she is) and most with a wife and kids at home. From everything I've seen there was more emotional involvement on my WS's end than hers, he was definitely pursuing her far more than the other way around. My husband is what he is but this young woman is a hot mess with big time daddy and self-esteem issues. From what I've been told she still gets plenty of attention even if 1 or 2 sources have seemingly dried up. In a nutshell, I am guessing them seeing each other every day is having more of an impact on him than it is on her, but likely still some impact on her. Also, in my OP my frustration and fatigue with this situation was coming through. I'm close to throwing in the towel but also frustrated because I can't make up my mind on what to do. The roller coaster sucks. BTW, from everything I've been able to put together the affair started in July and everything came to a head from early to mid September. From what I know it lasted around two months. I became suspicious around the end of July/beginning of August and went from there with my investigating.
Author tornandconfused12 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 The change won't stop them if they want to continue the affair. But then again, nothing will. But it may aid in your reconciliation if he does move. And your R might be prevented if he doesn't. To be honest, you don't want to stop him; he has to find the desire to change from within himself. You want to give him rope and verify that what he says is true. If you don't mind me asking, did your H disclose that he emailed the OW? I don't recommend you reveal your sources but I would make clear to hom that you expect him to voluntarily disclose any contact. And yeah, the fiance's "innocent" reply wouldn't mean jack to me either if they know they are being monitored. No, he didn't disclose the email contact. I found that out because the AP's fiance' happened to check her work email that day and he saw the email and her reply. He made a screen shot of it all and forwarded it to me. In the whole scheme of things the email wasn't much in terms of content. However, in terms of him keeping his word.....
Author tornandconfused12 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 My first reaction to this post is that it all sounds very normal to me. You head is on straight. I don't recall all of the details of your story but I do remember not being very convinced that he is truly remorseful because of honesty issues that were still occuring. Otherwise I would just say that I found more long term benefit from a GPS than I did from a PI. I had a PI tail my W when I thought she was going to connect with the OM. She didn't and it cost me $200 to verify one night of honesty. But the GPS allows much longer term verification and cost the same $200 (unless you want the "live" tracking one which costs $500 plus a subscription). The first one did the trick for me but I wish I had bought the second one to avoid the need for retrieval from the car. There are times that instant relief of anxiety also would have helped my mental state rather than making some, "Where the hell are you?" phone call. I so understand that feeling of anxiety, it's terrible. I have been debating the differences between using a PI or using GPS and for the very reasons you mention. If I went the PI route and my timing happened to be off, there goes that money. GPS is definitely a different story and can be used in the long-term. I've seen more remorse as of late but I'm still not convinced. I'm also not convinced he would say no if she were to encourage renewed contact. He is addressing his excessive need for attention and validation in therapy but I think he's not far enough into it for it to have made much of a difference. I also do not believe he is being completely honest with me in terms of disclosure.
BetrayedH Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 You're smart. You know what you're doing. You know what you are watching for and you'll make the best decision you can when the time is right for you. However it lands, this won't be your fault and you're already making the most reasonable effort that could be asked of you. I hope fortune falls your way. 1
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Yes, it absolutely does make sense and especially as it pertains to my WS. I don't doubt there was involvement on both sides but I think he was more emotionally involved than she was. As I have found out from multiple sources, she's got about 5 or 6 older guys at work on the line (all are 25+ years older than she is) and most with a wife and kids at home. From everything I've seen there was more emotional involvement on my WS's end than hers, he was definitely pursuing her far more than the other way around. My husband is what he is but this young woman is a hot mess with big time daddy and self-esteem issues. From what I've been told she still gets plenty of attention even if 1 or 2 sources have seemingly dried up. In a nutshell, I am guessing them seeing each other every day is having more of an impact on him than it is on her, but likely still some impact on her. Also, in my OP my frustration and fatigue with this situation was coming through. I'm close to throwing in the towel but also frustrated because I can't make up my mind on what to do. The roller coaster sucks. BTW, from everything I've been able to put together the affair started in July and everything came to a head from early to mid September. From what I know it lasted around two months. I became suspicious around the end of July/beginning of August and went from there with my investigating. Your marriage, your husband hasn't had a real chance of healing, or getting any better because she's still around, they work together. Fact is, as long as they are still working side by side and interacting every day you'll never trust him. He has to understand this. put himself in your shoes and make a choice.
2sunny Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 The other gal he kept a secret too - the one he used to meet with once in a while - does he still meet her? If he's not fully disclosing everything to you now...especially, it isn't a good sign. The email contact without telling you is very detrimental. He may not be sorry he did it - only sorry he got caught. Big difference! I hope I'm wrong. It's possible his consequences haven't been enough to make him consider changing his motives.
waterwoman Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 H's affair was with someone he worked with. He still works with her but not so closely. She was one of his teaching assistants last year so very close contact - hence the affair starting. She is now working in a different area entirely and they paths don't really cross under normal circumstances and they certainly wouldn't have any time together alone. He can't really leave. His job fits in perfectly with our kids schools so he can do school runs and be home when they are. Also if he moved to a different school we'd need another car. But as you said earlier, texting and emailing and phone calls are just as easy whereever you are and that was a large part of their relationship. Funnily enough she told everyone she was going to leave to go to her dream job at the end of last term - but miraculously didn't Call me cynical but I think it was yet another little try at panicking him into choose her rather than me having been told it wasn't happening right at the start. So I have to trust him to stay away from her. I do for the most part but I still get odd twinges. He tells me whenever they have an interactions and has shown me the few texts she has sent him.
ComingInHot Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Torn: I believe I am one of the Betrayed spouses that "made it". Unlike you, The OW chose to "out" my husband After the A was over by about eight months. My FWH has confessed he Never would have told me... They had something that lasted (physically) about four months but emotionally over a year. She was contracted by us to set up a new electronic system so she wasn't in our office everyday. Thank God. When I found out, I didn't even know what to do or how to respond as for ten years of our marriage he was verbally &emotionally abusive. Finding out about his A actually put us on a more "even" playing field. I no longer put up w/his bull & a found myself again! I Never was a "coward" or someone that just took people being mean to me. Yet, that is what I had become. Yuck... When my husband saw the changes in me along w/the excruciating pain HE & FOW had caused me, he went from being sorry he got "outed" & "it was just a mistake" to Really being remorseful. He went from defending Her to defending me from her continued attacks on me. The TRUE change happened when I gave my first & only ultimatim, that he get into counseling or the kids & I are OUT. It's been Two years since I was told of his A & a few weeks since counseling began & for the first time I feel better. I will Never FORGET what all has happened. I can say (for now), that my husband is becoming the man , husband & father that He wants to be and the we need. Is it a long road? YES!! Is it worth it? So far... YES!! Hang in & know yourself well enough to see when you've had enough and to know if you are seeing progress w/both you AND your husband*
Spark1111 Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I posted previously about the situation with my WS and what took place with his coworker: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/350780-not-sure-how-i-feel-after-wss-affair. WS and I are supposed to be working on reconciliation but I'm still on the fence on whether or not I plan to follow through on that. As the BS I'm not sure I can commit to reconciliation with him. Not only have I lost the trust I had for him but finding out some of the things he did - mostly the extent of the lies - also caused me to lose a lot of respect for him. I have been honest with him that I'm not sure I can continue in our marriage so he is fully aware of my position on this. Here's something that is bothering me a great deal. WS fooled around with someone he worked with and they continue to work in fairly close proximity to one another. WS is working on getting a different job with the same employer but in a different location about 30 miles away from the current. He took this upon himself to do and that's fine. Them seeing each other everyday, of course it bothers me. I wonder about daily contact and how it could re-ignite things between the two of them. OTOH, 30 miles separation in job locations won't stop anything if they really want to be together in some way, shape or form.....seems to me anyway. I have been very supportive and pushing the idea of him working elsewhere but now I'm not so sure it'll really solve anything aside from daily contact. The daily contact part is a big deal but I just don't know if it will really solve anything. Additionally his AP's fiance' and I are still in contact. They are also trying to work things out. She allows her fiance' access to her work email and there was an email from my WS to her this past week that was odd. It's hard to describe without being too specific but while it was sort of work-related it did carry a tone of my husband still trying to impress her and get attention from her. She responded to his email only with a "Thanks!" and nothing else. It was definitely him reaching out to her and via email she didn't show any interest whatsoever. However, I'm not naive enough to not consider she's just "acting right" because she knows her employer or fiance' can see whatever she sends out. OTOH, if she's now being honest in her relationship than my husband's actions are stalkerish at best. Which creeps me out. It seems like finding out information regarding an affair is a bottomless pit, it never ends. You do not have to decide anything until you are ready to. My fWS also had an affair with a co-worker. I told him if there was accidental or intentional contact between them, and I was not informed immediately, I was gone. For a few months after dday, there was contact between them, and everytime I discovered it, I threw him out. My ultimatum was issued after I decided to give reconciliation a chance and he was back in our home. My H also took it upon himself to transfer and end all contact with her. We later discovered he was not her first affair with a MM. But here was my bottom line: As long as he was still communicating with her....he could not be fully invested in us. I could just tell those days they had talked once I fully tuned in. He treated and talked to me differently. Once all contact had ended, and he initiated it by telling her she could never contact him again, (she thought they could be "friends") I sensed a new devotion to me and to us. At that point, I felt I was willing to take the risk, but I was always brutally honest with him about how ambivalent I felt towards the future for a long, long, time. Trust, once betrayed to the extent of an affair, takes a long, long time to rebuild. Be patient with yourself, first and foremost. 2
Author tornandconfused12 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 Update to my husband's affair situation. The OW recently took a couple of weeks off work to visit a relative in another state, a location about 1000 miles away from here. While she was there she met a man (have no idea if he's married or not) and they went out on a few dates. She came home and is still living with her fiance' and her new boyfriend has since come to where we're located and is staying in a motel waiting for her to make a decision on who she's going to be with. She's told a coworker she wants to stay with her fiance' for financial reasons; they own a nice home (her name is also on the house) and he pays for her high-end car she definitely cannot afford on her own. Supposedly the fiance' has kicked her out of their house after she didn't come home last night. She showed up to work today in the same clothes she wore yesterday and went home sick in the afternoon. She's still carrying on with various men at work and spends a lot of time with one guy in particular whose about 55 years old (she's 23), much in the same manner she had been with my husband. The 55yo guy has a wife and kids at home too. She's been described as predatory but I take issue with that.....she may very well pursue married men but these guys don't end up with her by some sort of accident. They, including my husband, made the decision to spend time with her. My husband admitted today he feels stupid about what he did and everything he risked by carrying on with this young woman. I still have a lot of anxiety (I'm now on valium, in addition to the anti-depressants I've been on for years) about the situation and about the fact they work near one another. From what I've been told by others there they seem to be avoiding one another. I think my husband is coming out of the "fog," albeit still slowly. Our marriage seems to be improving in some ways and we're talking things out instead of arguing. However, this evening I started to push pretty hard (as I would have in the past) and he left the room after announcing he was too tired to discuss it any further today. I'd have argued with him but I'm simply too exhausted, emotionally and physically. I still feel ambivalent as to what I'll ultimately do. For my own selfish reasons I hope she decides to take off with her new boyfriend and move with him to where she recently was on vacation. Having her 1000 miles away would be good. Part of me wants to give up and I can see how life would be much simpler without this drama in it. However, I also love my husband and I'd like to continue rebuilding our marriage. Some days it is just d*mn difficult to fight this fight, it's so tiring. Today was just not a good day.....my anxiety and obsessing definitely got the better of me today.
beenburned Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I think in these companies, the serial cheaters get a reputation, for being an easy target for people who want some side action. You would be surprised how much the co-workers brag to each other about their conquests. GPS's aren't much good for the people that cheat on company property.(offices or their cars in the parking lot) BH brought up a very good point, your H has to want to change and become a better person. He needs to dig deep in order to understand why he thought his actions were acceptable behavior. My H also works for a very large corporation where this type of behavior is common place.
beenburned Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 T&C, Your H's OW definitely sounds like a serial cheater. Their motivation has nothing to do with love. Read some of 2sure's posts to understand the mindset of serial cheaters!
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