dorothys Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 I did a really stupid thing. My ex called to see how things are going, and I broke all the rules. I picked up the phone right away. For 3 days I had been so strong on the no contact thing. Then I knew I should keep it short, and hang it up. But, I didn't. I finally broke down and asked him to meet me at work. He said that he had thought about going by and seeing the kids( my kids), and I told him that he could anytime he wanted as long as he called first. Do you think I am going to loose points by doing this right now??? He told me that he had errands to run. Then I suggested that I would like to see him. He didn't offer, but when I ask he said okay. It didn't seem like I had to beg, and he didn't seem too put off by the idea. I hinted around a whole bunch at first, but he didn't take the bait. Then I just came out and asked. Right now I am wondering if he is going to be more cautious next time he calls. I know he still loves me, but he has made it clear before that he needs his space. And that he needs to more do things that he wants to do, and not what other people tell him to do. Any thoughts on this?? Sorry, for rambling, but I feel real stupid right now.
Felicity Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 I know how you feel it is so hard not to call him but sometimes you have to be strong.. (not like me)..... Don't worry you are not stupid and shouldn't feel that way, you are human and you make mistakes specially when it's a human in love... If i were you... i wouldn't give it to much attention.. it will pass and you'll do something worst! hahahaha keep smiling!! Felicity
fellowes7892000 Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 don't worry. remember that he called you. he knows that he probably caught you off guard and I'm sure that he understands how hard it is for you. just make sure now that you are more careful in future contact. try not to cry when/if you meet him, but even if you do, then don't worry about it. being open and honest about your feelings is never something to be ashamed up. if you meet up, be nice and try to make him remember what he loves about you. don't get clingly, but be supportive and he'll make his way back to you if it;s meant to happen.hang in there, and we all know it sucks, no-one expects you not to be struggling and not show emotion, including him. good luck dave
Author dorothys Posted July 31, 2004 Author Posted July 31, 2004 Thanks everybody for the good advice. It is nice to know that other people have done the same thing. Now I don't feel so stupid just human. Here is a update. We met for lunch yesterday. Actually he had already eaten lunch, so he offered to bring me something. We sat in my car and talked while I ate. I don't think he feels that he would be exactly welcomed at my workplace right now. Also don't think he wants a lof of questions about why we broke up. Some of his behavior was very promising, but it really only served to confused me more. We hugged, kissed, and he said he loved me. He said " I love you" first by the way. Here is where it gets confusing. My ex mentioned that our mechanic had called asking for me, and he told him" I don't know if you know, but we aren't together right now". That was his exact words. It gave me hope. Then we started some polite conversation about how things were going for him. He has just started counseling for depression, and we also talked about him finding his own place. Might I mention right now, if I haven't before, that he lives with his mom and dad. His family hates me. They have basically threatened him if he goes back to me. My ex-s mom is also very needy right now. He feels a lot of stress because of this. . This kind of bothers me, because it was made clear that my kids were not welcome. My ex said that he feels sometimes that he did a bad thing leaving. But, he thinks at other times that it was a good decision. He expressed a lot of frustration, almost depression over his inablity to find his own place and get out of his parents place. His doctor has told him that he has to take better care of himself, and say no more to people. I think he should start by standing up to his family, but I don't know if he is strong enough. If this is not enough to confuse a person it gets worse. My ex was hinting heavily about scheduling some time for physical intimacy. I told him that he would have to initate things, but I don't know when I might be avaliable. He always shows that he still desires me very much. I must say that I am above average in looks. Not model beautiful, but very cute never the less. My ex on the other hand is below average in looks and heavily overweight. I only mention this because of what he said next. He gave me a tin of mints. Said tht someone had bought him lunch and given him the mints, but they were too hot for him. He then added that he could have gotten about anything else he wanted from the lunch lady. I said oh? My ex added that she was definately not his type probably about 45, and looked well worn. My ex and I are in our mid 30's. Don't know why he felt he needed to tell me this. Then later in the conversation he mentioned that he had been asked out by about 3 different girls already, but hadn't accepted from anybody. One in particular he had to mention was a secretary at the company he works for. She had always made it known that she was interested in him, but at the time we were together and happy. Now, that is no longer the case. He said tht some guys had told her that he was avaliable. She asked him out to a bar. He told her that he only drinks at home. She said okay I will come over. He said sorry, but I live with my parents. She said that is okay you can come to my house, and crash on the couch. He said that she then added that the couch pulled out to a bed. They would have share because it was her only bed . He said he told her no. My ex said he also told her I am not ready for a relationship with a woman right now, I want to take care of myself. I don't want the commitment. Then this is where it gets even weirder. My ex turns to me and says, You aren't ready for a relationship right now, are You??? I don't know if what I said was right or wrong. I told him I don't want a relationship, until you get yourself better. Then he started talking more. He said the sex it really nice because we have both get a little emotional intimacy, and a lot of physical intimacy. There is no pressures or commitments. Now I am not sure what to make of all this. He still talks about our future when we get back together. When he first left, he basically stated that things weren't over we were just taking a break. Then he said that If I really felt I needed to I was free to date other men, but that he didn't want to date anybody else. And if I did date anybody else it would hurt him greatly, but he would deal with it. Then last week he told me that he felt like he needed to be back with me. I urged him to stay away until he worked through his depression. All in all I have tried to be very understanding. Here are my questions, should I reinstate the n/c rule? I still don't initiate contact at all, but I was wondering if I should make myself less avaliable. I am really not sure that I want to date other people, but some friends have suggested doing just that. A lot of friends tell me that if he thinks he is going to loose you, he will come around. I am anxious to hear any take or advice the members may have.
Curt Posted July 31, 2004 Moderators Posted July 31, 2004 What you did was not stupid. It was real. It is abundantly clear to me that you both care very deeply for each other. He has apparently had offers - for more than just company too, evidently - but, he turned them down. There can, in my estimation, be only one true reason. He doesn't want the gal at the office. He wants the woman he loves. That, is you. As those who know me will attest, I am NOT a believer in any relationship rules as being unbreakable and/or rigid. I believe the "rules" were meant to guide people in general, but they are not "cookie-cutter" methods for all (indeed, maybe not even for many) partnership contructions, dissolutions, or reconciliations. The No-Contact Rule is an almost completely "logic-derived" method for dealing with what is a largely emotion/affect-based situation. It is like trying to explain how to make love to a person, by giving a step-by-step procedural manual, devoid of the situational milleu and emotional framework that define the whole "activity." It might work in principle, but the heart of the whole matter will be lost. You did what a "real," loving partner would do. You did what you felt in your heart was required. How can that be wrong dororthy? I think you both went away knowing how much you cared for each other. Fact is, I think there is merely one lesson to learn here. You both need time. Don't push him; give him time to deal with his emotions. Give him some space to sort his heart and mind out, but don't dare let yourself be duped into breaking out "The Lost Guide to No Contact - Version 3, 2, or 1," or any other "rules" book for that matter. As well crafted a document it is, I don't think the No Contact Rule was meant to be applied in this (read: any?) loving situation. Give yourself time to sort out what you want right now. Figure out if your love for him is enough to help you both through the hard times that you are both facing. Let him have time to get stronger, and assess where he needs to be. Only you can determine the right amount of time for you, and only he can determine the right amount of time for himself. As you know yourself dorothy, this is not about winning points, it's about determining whether you both want a life together. To me, that is the only goal that should matter right now. Curt
Author dorothys Posted July 31, 2004 Author Posted July 31, 2004 Thanks Curt for the advice and kind words. It really gives me hope for the future . I am wondering why if his motives were so loving that he would tell me about these other girls that asked him out??? Do you any guys have a take on my ex's behavior. Is he trying to make me jealous?? I also had another question. He does seem to have not a lot of time to spend with me. His family and work take most of his time. However, he seems really concerned about my finances. We lived together so we paid all the bills equallly. Yesterday he asked me if I needed monthly help on the rent. I told him no, which wasn't exactly the truth. Everything is very tight right now, and I have two daughters ( mine, not ours) to take care of. However, I am determined not to slip back in to dependency. Anybody want to comment on the financial aspect?
Author dorothys Posted August 2, 2004 Author Posted August 2, 2004 Well, I have an update. My boyfriend just called me this morning. I had my phone on vibrate, so I didn't get the call at first. He left a message saying, " just calling to see how you are doing. Will call you back later". Of course like the weak person I am I waited a whole 5 mintues and called him back. We did about 4 mins of insignficant chatter, and then I said I had to go. What I really hate is the fact that we are strangers on the phone. It is like we have contact, but we don't. All I want to ask him is if and when he is coming back? Does he still love me, because I love him. Is this stupid? Should I tell him that I feel uneasy with him on the phone? Does anybody have any advice???
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