Cheated on by LDR

[Onionator]

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.

 

For the past couple weeks me and my LDR girlfriend of 1 year (4 on and off but 1 where it was truly official) have been having a hard time. The distance was starting to get to her and she just broke down to me Thursday night (sunday as I write this) and we talked for 5+ hours about how we just have to pull through these next couple months 'till we're together and everything seemed to have been sorted.

 

We had a good friday, texted all day and talked all night, kinda like it was at the start of our relationship...felt perfect.

 

Saturday: Started off as a normal day. "Good morning" texts a couple "I love you"'s and a very lighthearted conversation through text. She then told me that her mom was taking her to some parade.

 

1:37 PM was when I got that text. 2 hours passed...no response to any of my texts checking if she was ok and having fun. 3:30 I get a text from her saying she had left the phone in her mom's car and couldn't get it. I say "It's ok, what are you doing now?"...6 hours passed...6 anxiety filled hours.

 

I now knew she wasn't with her mom because this wouldn't be happening. I texted her best friend to see if they were together smoking weed(which I told her to stop doing so maybe she'd do it behind my back), nothing. I called her sister to see if she knew anything about this and told her my fear that she was cheating, she tried to reassure me that she wasn't and calmed me down a little.

 

I ended up calling her house and her mom ended up picking up. They were never together...no parade...and my girlfriend was "out". Her mom tries calling her, nothing.

 

9 PM she texts me that she had no service and she couldn't get in touch with anyone. I tell her to get on skype so we can talk and this is what I found out:

 

She was on a date with a guy all day, they went to the park and then his basement (where she didnt have service) to watch 2 movies. They cuddled on the couch and at the end of the date he kissed her(or they had kissed).

 

I feel betrayed...lost..confused...depressed. I was planning my life with her, I was going to move to her next August and go to school where she is. I was going to visit her in 2 weeks (which I still have to because the tickets are bought...).

 

Here lies the uncertainty. I'm uncertain whether or not I can ever forgive her and put this behind us. She is uncertain that she can keep doing Long distance. I am uncertain of what my life plans would be if we were to break up since I had NONE before we started dating. She is uncertain whether actually being together will solve any lost feelings (we met online 4-5 years ago). 2 weeks from now is the first time we'll ever be together, and Im hoping...Im praying that being able to hold her and kiss her will light a spark in both us...make us realize that we can do this because in the end it'll be worth it. We're still young (18 & 19) but childhood sweethearts dont die fast.

 

 

I come to all of you with this long story to ask for any advice you can give on how and if it is possible to get over betrayal and if finally being together for a weekend will solve anything. Thank you for reading this

[Onionator]

I would also like to add that I texted the guy she was with "We're trying to repair our relationship so I'd appreciate it if you backed off" and his response was "I get your point of view, but I really like her. Nothing against you dude".

 

She said she'd cut all contact with him in order to try and save our relationship, I'm not sure if she will though.

[CarrieT]

She said she'd cut all contact with him in order to try and save our relationship, I'm not sure if she will though.

If he is there and in proximity with her, I seriously doubt she will. I know you feel hopeless, but you might be best to just move on and go NC.

 

I would also like to add that I texted the guy she was with "We're trying to repair our relationship so I'd appreciate it if you backed off" and his response was "I get your point of view, but I really like her. Nothing against you dude".

Here's the rub. It IS against you because he doesn't respect the boundaries and your girl let the boundaries drop.

 

 

You are powerless because of your distance and you will start to heal faster if you just drop her and don't try to work on the relationship long-distance.

[Onionator]

If he is there and in proximity with her, I seriously doubt she will. I know you feel hopeless, but you might be best to just move on and go NC.

 

They really aren't "in proximity" she was just home for the weekend and he lives 45 minutes from her moms house and asked her out on a date. They met at a party so they don't have constant contact.

 

Here's the rub. It IS against you because he doesn't respect the boundaries and your girl let the boundaries drop.

 

You are powerless because of your distance and you will start to heal faster if you just drop her and don't try to work on the relationship long-distance.

 

I have the tickets bought to visit her on Nov 2nd...none refundable. Im just thinking that maybe that spark will be there and we'll be able to work on it that weekend and make visits more frequent to get us through the year.

[silicone]

My honest opinion, and I'm in an LDR.

 

She lied to you, so that she could spend the day with this other guy, hence she has no respect for you.

 

She kissed and cuddled with this other guy: she has no boundaries and she doesn't respect the relationship.

 

Regardless of his proximity to her, she's shown you that she is unreliable, that she can and will walk all over what she has before severing it.

 

Regardless of your tickets, you should go there an have fun, go NC with her, an forget her until she wants you.

[Onionator]

My honest opinion, and I'm in an LDR.

 

She lied to you, so that she could spend the day with this other guy, hence she has no respect for you.

 

She kissed and cuddled with this other guy: she has no boundaries and she doesn't respect the relationship.

 

Regardless of his proximity to her, she's shown you that she is unreliable, that she can and will walk all over what she has before severing it.

 

Regardless of your tickets, you should go there an have fun, go NC with her, an forget her until she wants you.

 

So I should see her during this trip, or NC during the trip because I was supposed to be staying at her place.

[silicone]

So I should see her during this trip, or NC during the trip because I was supposed to be staying at her place.

 

No - whatever you, don't see her, or try to see her. By all means, go there to have fun - without her.

 

You'll need to identify and organise alternative living arrangements. She'll respect you more for keeping your place.

[Onionator]

No - whatever you, don't see her, or try to see her. By all means, go there to have fun - without her.

 

You'll need to identify and organise alternative living arrangements. She'll respect you more for keeping your place.

 

We have never met before, I dont even know if there is a physical connection yet and I know that it will be impossible for me to not see her as much as I appreciate and respect what you're saying it'll be physically impossible for me to do that.

 

I also dont have the funds to stay anywhere else :/

 

And I agree with everything you said, but in the 5 years that I've known this girl she's always been the sweetest most loving person I knew. Wife material is what I would call it and this incident is disgusting but it's not easy to throw something like this away. I love her, I love her, I LOVE HER...the real type of love where my sole purpose in life was to make her happy and in return that would make me happy. I spent years planning my life in such a way that would suit us both and make us happy and I have no life plans outside of that, breaking up those plans plunges me into a deep hole of uncertainty that I took pride in saying "Ill never be there unlike others that are my age".

[silicone]

We have never met before, I dont even know if there is a physical connection yet and I know that it will be impossible for me to not see her as much as I appreciate and respect what you're saying it'll be physically impossible for me to do that.

 

I also dont have the funds to stay anywhere else :/

 

 

If she's disrespected you so early on in the relationship...

 

Whereabouts are you going, if you don't mind me asking?

 

 

And I agree with everything you said, but in the 5 years that I've known this girl she's always been the sweetest most loving person I knew. Wife material is what I would call it and this incident is disgusting but it's not easy to throw something like this away. I love her, I love her, I LOVE HER...the real type of love where my sole purpose in life was to make her happy and in return that would make me happy. I spent years planning my life in such a way that would suit us both and make us happy and I have no life plans outside of that, breaking up those plans plunges me into a deep hole of uncertainty that I took pride in saying "Ill never be there unlike others that are my age".

 

Let me ask you a question.

 

Does wife material disrespect her husband and her relationship? Does said material lie to get what she wants? You remind me of me.

[CarrieT]

We have never met before

Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! You have never physically been in her presence and yet you "know" this?

 

in the 5 years that I've known this girl she's always been the sweetest most loving person I knew. Wife material is what I would call it and this incident is disgusting but it's not easy to throw something like this away. I love her, I love her, I LOVE HER...the real type of love where my sole purpose in life was to make her happy and in return that would make me happy. I spent years planning my life in such a way that would suit us both and make us happy and I have no life plans outside of that, breaking up those plans plunges me into a deep hole of uncertainty that I took pride in saying "Ill never be there unlike others that are my age".

I am going to send you over to a thread where two people haven't met and have you read a very specific post I wrote, HERE:

 

But this gist:

 

At some point, REALITY occurs. And by that, I mean the simple day-to-day nuances of being with another human being that you absolutely cannot anticipate; their physical presence, the minutiae of table manners, which side of the bed do they sleep on, how they brush their teeth, what they smell like, etc. will all come crashing down on you and change your reality.

 

Right now, you have an idealized version of this person inside your brain and inside your sphere of existence which is accentuated with daily XBox interaction. You are already imagining what it will be like to be in each others presence and there is NO WAY to fully prepare for how different it is actually going to be.

 

Granted, it does work for some people. But I want you to prepare yourself for the possibility that it might not. It didn't for me. I was so in love with the WORDS that I was being told, that I hadn't prepared for the reality of who the person was and it took 2 1/2 year of trying to live together before we had to break-up.

 

 

In light of all this, I would say, DO NOT GO ON THE TRIP.

 

You do not know this person. You have an idealized concept of who she is and are in love with YOUR IDEA of her.

[Onionator]

If she's disrespected you so early on in the relationship...

 

Whereabouts are you going, if you don't mind me asking?

 

We've been on and off for 4-5 years and monogomaous for a year now and she said that's what's taken a toll on her and she was longing for physical contact. I'm going to Canada from the US

 

 

Let me ask you a question.

 

Does wife material disrespect her husband and her relationship? Does said material lie to get what she wants? You remind me of me.

 

Wife material is the girl that you know will be with you through thick and thin. She respects you and wants everything you want from the relationship. She wants companionship and respects the relationship no matter what. No, wife material doesn't lie to get what she wants, when a problem arises she talks about it and makes an honest effort to find a solution that will please both parties.

[Onionator]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! You have never physically been in her presence and yet you "know" this?

 

 

I am going to send you over to a thread where two people haven't met and have you read a very specific post I wrote, HERE:

 

But this gist:

 

 

 

 

In light of all this, I would say, DO NOT GO ON THE TRIP.

 

You do not know this person. You have an idealized concept of who she is and are in love with YOUR IDEA of her.

 

 

I can't live my life thinking what could've been. I know people don't always behave the same in person as they do online and there are thousands of other factors when youre together. I am just curious as to whether there can be a physical bond since we've had an emotional one for so long.

 

A relationship has two parts; a physical and emotional. When one fails the other seems to follow, we have never had a chance to include the physical aspect into our relationship and I think that after all this time it is only fair to give the physical a shot and see where we stand.

[silicone]

We've been on and off for 4-5 years and monogomaous for a year now and she said that's what's taken a toll on her and she was longing for physical contact. I'm going to Canada from the US

 

I haven't seen my gf since January, I have a very high sex drive, I am in constant contact with attractive females, but I haven't crumbled. Did I mention that I'm an attention-craving person? Longing for physical contact isn't a reason why someone would lie then cheat.

 

 

Wife material is the girl that you know will be with you through thick and thin. She respects you and wants everything you want from the relationship. She wants companionship and respects the relationship no matter what. No, wife material doesn't lie to get what she wants, when a problem arises she talks about it and makes an honest effort to find a solution that will please both parties.

 

Did she talk to you about staying with this guy and asking your permission to effectively to kiss and cuddle with him; spend a romantic day with him?

[Onionator]

I haven't seen my gf since January, I have a very high sex drive, I am in constant contact with attractive females, but I haven't crumbled. Did I mention that I'm an attention-craving person? Longing for physical contact isn't a reason why someone would lie then cheat.

 

 

 

Did she talk to you about staying with this guy and asking your permission to effectively to kiss and cuddle with him; spend a romantic day with him?

 

You're so right about all of this, I hate to say it but you're right. If my judgement wasn't clouded by emotions and love I would be giving the same advice to myself; ditch her and move on to someone who can give you what you want and deserve. When you've shared so much with a person, someone who was more than a best friend, it is difficult to see a life without them. I keep thinking of how I can ever find someone I'm so attracted to and I love this much. The love is still there for me...I hate her for what she did and I hate her for the person that she could possibly be but I love who I knew for 5 years, that person could not just have dissapeared, that person is still in there somewhere and I owe it to my own happiness to make an attempt to find that person in her and if I believe that that person is gone forever I will know it's time to move on.

[silicone]

You're so right about all of this, I hate to say it but you're right. If my judgement wasn't clouded by emotions and love I would be giving the same advice to myself; ditch her and move on to someone who can give you what you want and deserve. When you've shared so much with a person, someone who was more than a best friend, it is difficult to see a life without them. I keep thinking of how I can ever find someone I'm so attracted to and I love this much. The love is still there for me...I hate her for what she did and I hate her for the person that she could possibly be but I love who I knew for 5 years, that person could not just have dissapeared, that person is still in there somewhere and I owe it to my own happiness to make an attempt to find that person in her and if I believe that that person is gone forever I will know it's time to move on.

 

It's horrible, I know, but I'm a very objective person - I don't usually let emotions cloud my judgement, when I thought my gf was starting to emotionally stray out, I clamped it down.

 

I know how it feels, I nearly lost my gf due to a stupid mistake over Facebook, and now I could lose her as she begins therapy, I'm beginning to clamp down on things, and not in a controlling way.

 

She was, and is my best friend, the one I can truly confide in, so for me to lose her would be very difficult. I'd definitely need someone just to kick me for my business logic to take over.

 

You love what you thought was her, but she's shown you and she is not what you thought she was.

 

You can make an attempt, but don't be surprised if you're effectively stonewalled - if my gf did that to me, she knows she would very easily lose me. I have a very hard line on interaction with other people where these boundaries are concerned.

[Onionator]

It's horrible, I know, but I'm a very objective person - I don't usually let emotions cloud my judgement, when I thought my gf was starting to emotionally stray out, I clamped it down.

 

I know how it feels, I nearly lost my gf due to a stupid mistake over Facebook, and now I could lose her as she begins therapy, I'm beginning to clamp down on things, and not in a controlling way.

 

She was, and is my best friend, the one I can truly confide in, so for me to lose her would be very difficult. I'd definitely need someone just to kick me for my business logic to take over.

 

You love what you thought was her, but she's shown you and she is not what you thought she was.

 

You can make an attempt, but don't be surprised if you're effectively stonewalled - if my gf did that to me, she knows she would very easily lose me. I have a very hard line on interaction with other people where these boundaries are concerned.

 

We sound very alike. Aside from what I'm displaying right now I am someone that could look at things objectively and maybe I wasn't and maybe no one actually is. You don't know what person your brain is going to change you into with all these crazy reactions going on in your head, in a neutral state you're one person but when your brain decides otherwise there is nothing you can do.

 

I did love what I thought was her, and that's the kind of girl I want and she's the closest anyone has ever gotten to being that girl. I remember, months back, I straight up said "If you ever cheat on me you will never talk to me again, that is not something I will ever tolerate". But here I am...betrayed, hurt, and with nothing else to lose. I'm not strong enough to do what I said I was going to, this is making me realize how weak minded I am and that I'm only mortal even though I looked at people in my position the same way that you're probably looking at me.

 

I will visit her; I will experience what she has to offer outside of talking on skype; I will talk to her about what we want in life and if our goals and aspirations still align...I will probably, although everything in my gut tells me not to, give her a second chance. That's the nature of the human mind, I can't control what it tells me to do and I can't reason with it. These feelings are stronger than any will power I have.

[silicone]

We sound very alike. Aside from what I'm displaying right now I am someone that could look at things objectively and maybe I wasn't and maybe no one actually is. You don't know what person your brain is going to change you into with all these crazy reactions going on in your head, in a neutral state you're one person but when your brain decides otherwise there is nothing you can do.

 

 

It's natural.

 

 

I did love what I thought was her, and that's the kind of girl I want and she's the closest anyone has ever gotten to being that girl. I remember, months back, I straight up said "If you ever cheat on me you will never talk to me again, that is not something I will ever tolerate". But here I am...betrayed, hurt, and with nothing else to lose. I'm not strong enough to do what I said I was going to, this is making me realize how weak minded I am and that I'm only mortal even though I looked at people in my position the same way that you're probably looking at me.

 

 

I can understand what you mean - for me, it's difficult to find someone who shares my same values. My gf isn't perfect but she's the closest that I can find who will accept me for my flaws. To me, she is gorgeous, and I suspect the same for you.

 

I don't know how I'd react, but I would think and hope that I wouldn't grovel for her, give her the power over me. I just don't that.

 

 

I will visit her; I will experience what she has to offer outside of talking on skype; I will talk to her about what we want in life and if our goals and aspirations still align...I will probably, although everything in my gut tells me not to, give her a second chance. That's the nature of the human mind, I can't control what it tells me to do and I can't reason with it. These feelings are stronger than any will power I have.

 

 

I would suggest that you meet in a neutral place then, and that her family should be aware of the full situation, before you do stay, because if it gets ugly, then you're going to be in so much more trouble.

[Onionator]

It's natural.

 

 

 

I can understand what you mean - for me, it's difficult to find someone who shares my same values. My gf isn't perfect but she's the closest that I can find who will accept me for my flaws. To me, she is gorgeous, and I suspect the same for you.

 

I don't know how I'd react, but I would think and hope that I wouldn't grovel for her, give her the power over me. I just don't that.

 

 

 

 

I would suggest that you meet in a neutral place then, and that her family should be aware of the full situation, before you do stay, because if it gets ugly, then you're going to be in so much more trouble.

 

 

She doesnt live with her family so I dont think that should be an issue, thank you for understanding at least.

[silicone]

She doesnt live with her family so I dont think that should be an issue, thank you for understanding at least.

 

Ah right - either way, you should prepare yourself for the adverse situation. Remember to fail to prepare is to prepare to fail.

[Onionator]

 

Ah right - either way, you should prepare yourself for the adverse situation. Remember to fail to prepare is to prepare to fail.

 

I truly hope this can be repaired, if it can't I will not force anything. Life goes on and people aren't always who you think they are.

[silicone]

I truly hope this can be repaired, if it can't I will not force anything. Life goes on and people aren't always who you think they are.

 

That's the spirit!

[Bobibble]

I was in a LDR with a boy who I had never met before (granted we were 16 and 17 at the time) and were "together" for 2 years on and off I believe until he cheated on me as well and I woke up and realized that this "relationship" wasn't even a relationship really. I never realized how unhealthy it was until I got in my current relationship where I still struggle with trust issues after a year and a half with him on what that boy did to me 5 years ago. Don't let this girl scar you especially if you have never met her. Trust me it is not worth it!

[Onionator]

I was in a LDR with a boy who I had never met before (granted we were 16 and 17 at the time) and were "together" for 2 years on and off I believe until he cheated on me as well and I woke up and realized that this "relationship" wasn't even a relationship really. I never realized how unhealthy it was until I got in my current relationship where I still struggle with trust issues after a year and a half with him on what that boy did to me 5 years ago. Don't let this girl scar you especially if you have never met her. Trust me it is not worth it!

 

Thank you for the advice, I have received nothing but great advice from people on this forum, my LDR's sister and best friend and all of my friends. I know everybody is right in this situation but my emotions are getting the best of me, hopefully I smarten up very soon.

 

The thing that's really lifting me up is the support of her sister, feels good having someone on my side who has no reason to be. (never met her either)

Edited October 21, 2012 by Onionator

[Chi townD]

You never actually met her face to face? Dude, you don't have a girlfriend. You have a pen pal. Sorry to be blunt, but look outside the box a little.

 

Okay, she lied to you and went out on a date with some other dude. She went back to his place and only kissed him goodnight...yeah, okay....I buy that one. Rule of thumb for you. Cheaters will only admit to what you can prove. And if you can't prove anything, then they'll only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem less worse than what it truely was. Rarely will you EVER get the full story without evidence.

 

Dude, time to move on. Move on to a girl you can actually see and touch. Look, you texted the OM (which was kinda stupid, he doesn't give a damn about your relationship, what makes you think he gives a damn about what you have to say.) and he pretty much stated that he's going to still gonna get with your girl whether you like it or not. She told you she's gonna stay away from this guy and work on your relationship and you believe that?!?!? She already lied to you! Go back to the rule of thumb I spelled out for you. She can say she won't see him, but you can't prove that she doesn't. She's in Canada; you're in the US! How are you EVER going to find out short of hiring a PI!

 

Okay, you're supposed to see her in two weeks. And you're going to go because the tickets are aready bought. The ticket are non-refundable. True! But, you can always change the destination. Go on a vacation! Go somewhere else!!!! Have a good time. However, no matter what I say, you're going there anyway. Which, in my opinion, is a dumbass move. You gonna go there and it's going to be uncomfortable and awkward, she gonna be distant and she's going to be texting this other guy, because if you weren't there she'd be out screwing this guy and she's going to make it feel like that's what she'd rather be doing instead of entertaining your ass. Point is, I think it's an aweful lot of money and time to go break up with someone. And ultimately, my gut is telling me that's exactly what's going to happen.

[Onionator]

I'm back from the trip...flew in last night.

 

God what a ride...emotionally and sexually this weekend was. The best weekend of my life is how I would describe it. Having never met before there was no awkwardness, no discomfort and it felt as if we've known each other for years...which we have.

 

We went on dates, kissed, cuddled, had sex (LOTS of it in many different ways), and laid in bed looking into each others eyes enjoying each others company. I've never felt that good about anything, i was noticing flaws on her body but I loved that it made her even better for me. Long story short the weekend exceeded every expectation I had ever had.

 

Today after telling me she misses me and loves me...she's with him again. Lying to me again saying she was home, when she wasn't because I had spoken to her mom. I can't believe that this weekend was fake...you can't fake something like this idc who you are. She's not a bad person...she's just confused and I shouldnt be making excuses for her but I do love her.

 

I need to get rid of her from my life...I KNOW THAT but I can't bring myself to it. It kills me inside that the girl I knew and loved isn't there anymore, well she was this weekend but that could've been fake.

 

One thing that's comforting me right now is that the guy she's with right now knows I was there this weekend. He knows I slept with her for 2 nights...and he knows that I did her hard in every hole (sorry for being graphic these are my emotions speaking) all night for two nights. I don't know what I'm going to do now, but I had the weekend of my life.