Adamgem Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I thought it would be much easier but I am finding this NC very difficult. I have pressure on my chest - like I can't breathe. I don't feel sorry for myself. I knew what I was getting into. Now I must deal with it. I can only blame myself for the choices I make in life. He will call me back in a while. The last conversation I had with him got very ugly. I was in a very bad mood (lack of sleep and nowhere to go etc). and he called - I took my mood out on him. That was a mistake. I bitched about his ex and I really regret that. It is because of his lies but he is insane and I must be take care. I am just talking to myself really - like a kind of therapy to calm down. I want to keep things polite....
River Rain Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Every time you break NC, that feeling in your chest will come back and you'll feel worse though. You have to allow yourself to feel that hurt and rejection so that you can move on. The only way to do that is through NC, as hard as it is. 6
BetrayedH Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 AdamGem, I have to say that it is frustrating to see that you have taken such difficult steps to move away, give up your job, and so forth to escape this toxic situation but you keep allowing him to creep back in. You need to begin healing from this and yet you keep exposing yourself to it. I recognize that you need to get whatever payment he owes you and so some measure of civility was necessary to protect you during your departure and to help take care of your financial situation. But at this point, if he hasn't paid you what you are owed, you need to write it off and cut this poison out of your life. It hurts to be lonely but this guy is absolutely nothing but toxic to you. I honestly see NO redeeming value in him and I look for the good in everyone. And to think that he somehow has another woman sitting there while he plays mental games with both of you is just beyond me. You are getting so used to this behavior that you somehow seem to think you deserve it or perhaps that it is normal. It ain't normal. You deserve better and have gone to great lengths to distance yourself. Finish it. 2
Author Adamgem Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 AdamGem, I have to say that it is frustrating to see that you have taken such difficult steps to move away, give up your job, and so forth to escape this toxic situation but you keep allowing him to creep back in. You need to begin healing from this and yet you keep exposing yourself to it. I recognize that you need to get whatever payment he owes you and so some measure of civility was necessary to protect you during your departure and to help take care of your financial situation. But at this point, if he hasn't paid you what you are owed, you need to write it off and cut this poison out of your life. It hurts to be lonely but this guy is absolutely nothing but toxic to you. I honestly see NO redeeming value in him and I look for the good in everyone. And to think that he somehow has another woman sitting there while he plays mental games with both of you is just beyond me. You are getting so used to this behavior that you somehow seem to think you deserve it or perhaps that it is normal. It ain't normal. You deserve better and have gone to great lengths to distance yourself. Finish it. I know what you say is correct. I believe he is a psychopath (or at least has all the features). Dealing with a psychopath is not like dealing with a 'normal' person. I have done a great deal of reading about the subject recently - which helps keep me focused and also confirms that NC is the only way to go. However, I do not want to end this 'the wrong way'..... I must keep my cool and get him to think he is not losing anything. I know this sounds weird but if I do not handle this situation well - I will have worse problems. I have moved half way around the world - it didn't take him long to find out where I was. Having said all of this - I do miss him and feel very vulnerable at the moment. I know it is not real. I know he is a liar and a cheat and no good for me. I know I can do better. I believe that. I was not madly in love with him. I am lucky in that respect. I was very fond of him and his company though. I think that many of us posting on this forum find it difficult to identify the real issues. Sometimes we get involved because we are lonely or desperate. Why else get involved with an unavailable m/w? It is pretty desperate? Reading this forum has and does help me greatly but I have quite a bit of work to do on myself yet. I will not lose the money. I can not. That would cause me more depression than losing him. Money doesn't hurt me. He on the other hand....
Author Adamgem Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 So I answered the phone just now. I apologised for my behavior the other night and everything was polite. He sounded a bit depressed but I do not believe he really is. He doesn't really get depressed - just pissed off if he doesn't get his way. More likely. I explained that I thought it best for both of us to have no contact - apart from work/payment related issues. These should be mimimal. This time I feel free. I think he has accepted that it is over and he will not be bothering me too much anymore..... ....unless that was all an act and really he is planning some kind of revenge? Until I get my payments - I will be 'nice'... I feel ok now? Is this normal after breaking NC? Or am I going to start feeling really, really bad after a few days of this?
veryhappy Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 (edited) You'll see for yourself how temporary the relief of being in contact is. Brace yourself for the bad feelings. It is absurd to think you'll make the ending better if you go back to end of differently. It's just an excuse to go back. The bulk of your R and the past stay the same. The reasons for ending it are the same. Edited October 21, 2012 by cutedragon 2
Author Adamgem Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 You'll see for yourself how temporary the relief of being in contact is. Brace yourself for the bad feelings. It is absurd to think you'll make the ending better if you go back to end of differently. It's just an excuse to go back. The bulk of your R and the past stay the same. The reasons for ending it are the same. I am a little confused. I do not want to end contact with a nasty phone call when I am owed money. I want to remain polite until that is sorted out and then it can be fully NC. I feel happy that I got out. I feel like I have won... what I do not know but that is how I feel. I just have to get my payment and I am gone.... From now on - everything is about survival. Finding a new job, a place to live and new friends. I am starting over completely. Well I will keep my friends..... just get more....
RickFox Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 If you're owed money, get an attorney, or file in small claims court. Each time you go back, you're getting your 'fix' off your drug (him). You feel at ease because you got your fix, it will wear off and you'll find another excuse to break NC. 2
BetrayedH Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I think you should be suspect of anything that suddenly provides you with a dramatic change of heart. The key is for you to disconnect over time. Some manage to wean themselves off an addiction but I think most would agree that the fastest way to get disentangled is to go cold turkey. Even the smokers I know that have successfully quit are the ones that went cold turkey. They finally had just "had it" and never went back. Even having one smoke can easily set you back to square one. But even for those cold turkey folks, they will say that they still wanted a cigarette everyday for quite a while after (sometimes for years). But it got easier each day that went by. I don't think anything that dramatically makes you feel better is a very reliable indication that anything has fundamentally changed. You should feel better that you recommitted to not smoking again today but it's not a miracle solution. NC over a long period is what's going to make that decision easier everytime you have to make it. Sounds like you're on day 1 right now. I hope that you've reached the point where you have "had it." 1
Author Adamgem Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 If you're owed money, get an attorney, or file in small claims court. Each time you go back, you're getting your 'fix' off your drug (him). You feel at ease because you got your fix, it will wear off and you'll find another excuse to break NC. Nobody could have put it better. I need to remember this.... I will keep you posted as to how the next few days go... and weeks... and months.... hopefully that will be the end of it. Now that he will not contact me - I can focus on myself.
Author Adamgem Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 I think you should be suspect of anything that suddenly provides you with a dramatic change of heart. The key is for you to disconnect over time. Some manage to wean themselves off an addiction but I think most would agree that the fastest way to get disentangled is to go cold turkey. Even the smokers I know that have successfully quit are the ones that went cold turkey. They finally had just "had it" and never went back. Even having one smoke can easily set you back to square one. But even for those cold turkey folks, they will say that they still wanted a cigarette everyday for quite a while after (sometimes for years). But it got easier each day that went by. I don't think anything that dramatically makes you feel better is a very reliable indication that anything has fundamentally changed. You should feel better that you recommitted to not smoking again today but it's not a miracle solution. NC over a long period is what's going to make that decision easier everytime you have to make it. Sounds like you're on day 1 right now. I hope that you've reached the point where you have "had it." That sounds right but my strategy is to use this forum for the desperate moments and to focus on other things that are positive the rest of the time... to take my mind off him. I think that will make it easy - when I achieve new goals.... I have made a list of all the things I want to do and feel quite excited about reaching those goals.
Author Adamgem Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 What's the hold up with the money you are owed? It is related to commissions and late payments from clients. I signed a contract expecting to contine working there for much longer than I did. I should not have left so suddenly - but I felt I had to leave at that moment.... So, in a way, I did not stick to the terms of my contract. I am just hoping I can sort it out.... I think I can.
taya Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 we understand, we all make mistake trust me no one is perfect just start back over from step1 and try not to brake NC again this guy seem like he have put you through alot, I CAN TELL YOU THIS IN THIS life we are going to meet and fall in love with people that are just no good for us we just have to learn to let them go .and if you do talk to him again because i know NC is really hard just keep it brief know long conversation and no agrument DONT EVEN BRING UP ANYTHING FROM THE PAST show him that you have move on. so drop all the stuff in the past girl and start over i had to do that and most importantly had to learn from my mistakes now am stronger then before no guy can treat me like **** anymore and if they try there gone U CAN DO IT 1
Author Adamgem Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 we understand, we all make mistake trust me no one is perfect just start back over from step1 and try not to brake NC again this guy seem like he have put you through alot, I CAN TELL YOU THIS IN THIS life we are going to meet and fall in love with people that are just no good for us we just have to learn to let them go .and if you do talk to him again because i know NC is really hard just keep it brief know long conversation and no agrument DONT EVEN BRING UP ANYTHING FROM THE PAST show him that you have move on. so drop all the stuff in the past girl and start over i had to do that and most importantly had to learn from my mistakes now am stronger then before no guy can treat me like **** anymore and if they try there gone U CAN DO IT Thank you. I like that 'no guy can treat me like **** anymore... because I will not let them'..... I have the power and control to chose how I am treated. This is an empowering feeling.
Barrsitter Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 adamgen If you contact this dude, you will not heal. I went through the same thing with NC. Messy business. Very tough but necessary. Forget the money. Forget this guy. Forget being polite about it too. Screw polite. These midiotics (married-idiots) need to be told where to go. Why do we women always have to be nice? F@#$ nice. Stop apologizing. On the flip side, you need to own some of your pain. You played with fire, got burnt and are hurting. Best to stay away from mm.
Author Adamgem Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 adamgen If you contact this dude, you will not heal. I went through the same thing with NC. Messy business. Very tough but necessary. Forget the money. Forget this guy. Forget being polite about it too. Screw polite. These midiotics (married-idiots) need to be told where to go. Why do we women always have to be nice? F@#$ nice. Stop apologizing. On the flip side, you need to own some of your pain. You played with fire, got burnt and are hurting. Best to stay away from mm. No way will I forget the money. I really do not know what kind of life other people have but I have nobody but myself to depend on.... How on earth can I forget the money. I worked for that. I get angry when people suggest something so absurd. I do not have family or friends to help financially if I have a problem. Should I live on the street? What are you talking about? Why should I let someone take my money? Why be some victim? Yuck. No. Not my style. I played with fire? What do you mean exactly? Have you read my story? I find it deeply offensive that anybody would expect me to give up what I worked for - I can leave him and move on. I know I am strong enought to do that.... but I can not 'forget about my money'..... Have you any idea what you are talking about? Maybe your situation would allow you something as luxurious as that..... lucky you.
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 What were you like before you met him? Before he entered your life? You have no friends, no family at all? Nobody, not one person who can help you, lend you money, let you sleep on their couch? You put ALL your eggs in one basket for this guy and he let you down. He broke your heart and ruined your life. BE PISSED AT HIM. He owes you money, he better damn well pay up quickly and then let you go. He chose someone else over you and you chose to get out of his life. Consquences... Now you all have to live with it. Sink or swim. Which is going to happen to you?
Author Adamgem Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 What were you like before you met him? Before he entered your life? You have no friends, no family at all? Nobody, not one person who can help you, lend you money, let you sleep on their couch? You put ALL your eggs in one basket for this guy and he let you down. He broke your heart and ruined your life. BE PISSED AT HIM. He owes you money, he better damn well pay up quickly and then let you go. He chose someone else over you and you chose to get out of his life. Consquences... Now you all have to live with it. Sink or swim. Which is going to happen to you? I have no support from any of my family and haven't done for most of my life. Many of my friends depend on me. I let my friend move into my place when she was stuck.... Should I put her on the street now? No. There is not enought space for us both. It is impossible. We tried. I did not put all my eggs in one basket for him or any other guy.... why do you think that? I had no eggs! He did not ruin my life. I made a choice to be with him. He cheated. I do not blame him for my life. He cheated. I left. Simple. Why should I sleep on someones couch? Why shouldn't I get my money? I do not understand these suggestion. I do not view myself as a victim and I do not like it one bit when people suggest I behave like one. There is nothing more harmful to someones mind/self-esteem. Victim mentality. I do not see how anybody can benefit from that. I will get my money back and if that means being polite then that is how I will do it. I signed a contract - I left early and should have waited until some clients paid. This is the problem.
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 I misread your situation from the start I guess and I'm totally off the mark with most of what I said. You're no victim, then as soon as you get your money, cut him out of your life. Don't ask for help from anybody, do it all on your own. Friends are there for a reason, you helped others so now it's their turn to help you.
Author Adamgem Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 I misread your situation from the start I guess and I'm totally off the mark with most of what I said. You're no victim, then as soon as you get your money, cut him out of your life. Don't ask for help from anybody, do it all on your own. Friends are there for a reason, you helped others so now it's their turn to help you. I get mental help from my friends but that is all most of them can offer. That is very helpful though. I just need to take care of the practical things. Yes, my plan is, indeed, to cut him out as soon as I get my money. I have gone through a lot in the last month but I was preparing for it for a while.... in a way.
taya Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) good just pick your self up and start back over and let the past be the past this is a new you. there is a really good quote that gos like this .NO ONE CAN GO BACK AND START A NEW BEGINNING, BUT ANYONE can start TODAY AND MAKE A NEW ENDING. and always remeber this too it took me a while to understand this.. WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US . AND YES YOU HAVE THE POWER AND CONTROL THINK ABOUT IT HUN ITS <YOUR LIFE> Edited October 22, 2012 by taya
taya Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Thank you. I like that 'no guy can treat me like **** anymore... because I will not let them'..... I have the power and control to chose how I am treated. This is an empowering feeling. good just pick your self up and start back over and let the past be the past this is a new you. there is a really good quote that gos like this .NO ONE CAN GO BACK AND START A NEW BEGINNING, BUT ANYONE can start TODAY AND MAKE A NEW ENDING. and always remeber this too it took me a while to understand this.. WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US . AND YES YOU HAVE THE POWER AND CONTROL THINK ABOUT IT HUN ITS <YOUR LIFE>
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