My husband doesn't trust me, Will this ruin our marriage?

[HaylieM]

My husband and i just got married at the start of this year after 6yrs of dating, Together we have a 3yo son. Previously our communication was great and now it feels like its been shut down & we are easily frustrated with each other, surprisingly our sex life is still amazing. He comes from an Italian family so family is a big thing for him. Three months after we got married my ex boyfriend moved in directly across the street with his girlfriend, He and i dated for 3ys before i met my husband, We had a very intense relationship, Him being my 1st sexual partner, We loved each other maybe a little too much, He was very jealous, possessive and had a frightening loss of control with his anger when he'd think i was flirting with someone else, We still have mutual friends. When my husband found out who he was through my friend he became irritated with me telling me that i should have told him who he was & why i didn't tell him, Since then i have felt the distance growing between us. Many members of my family have had relationships end in divorce from cheating and i think my husband thinks i'll do the same to him. My ex is an attractive guy and he'll either park outside our house or whenever i leave the house & he is outside he just keeps looking at me, I get nervous and butterflies ( childish i know but i do). My husband is FDNY and works shift hours and when im alone at home i start crying knowing how apart we've become. We had a heated argument and a friends party last week and when we decided to leave he started speeding, When i asked him to slow down he just told me to 'chill out, he knows what hes doing', When he got home the fighting started again, He kept throwing it back in my face that i tried to hide the fact that my ex moved in across the street & wanted to know why i wouldn't tell him something like that, When i asked why it bothered him so much & did he not trust me with him he just stared at me and then said look at your family. I know he has no trust in me. Where do i go from here?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well obviously It appears you still have emotions for this ex of yours, and the fact that you covered it up when it was right in your face shows a hint of deception or emotional investment.

 

See if he meant nothing to you and you were over it, you would have mentioned it to your husband nonchalantly like it made no difference...instead you kept it under wraps and then by doing so thinking it would be less of a flag not saying anything at all just raised a flag instead because you were for some reason avoiding it, now the questions start popping up, why did you hide this?...and what do cheaters do? they keep their mouths shut about important things that an honest person would otherwise mention...I'm not saying that this is your intention, plan or what not but it does show a reason for concern for anyone who knows a thing or two about how this works and where it can go from there.

 

The other problem is you even admit to having these emotions, therefore that's something your husband can likely see that you are trying to hide as well. Of course that will make him jealous and feel insecure, therefore he's acting out in anger and vulnerability knowing that this is an ideal situation for something to manifest into, being he's right across the street and him working these fireman hours not knowing what you are doing or feeling at home.

 

Sex can also be used as a crutch for a relationship that is lacking in other departments...It's the only thing you can consistently rely on to solidify the bond. So don't think that just because the sex is good that there aren't serious problems, that isn't always the case, it can just as easily reveal the opposite in relationships who lean on that element to hold them though the rough times when there are communication, emotional problems etc..

 

I don't think it's a fair deal to judge your behavior by your families alone, however we are taught by our parents and families what values to have at times...meaning that what is ok or normal in your upbringing and life may be completely different in his...for example his being traditional and believing relationships should last through everything while the person with a destructive family may be prone to feel that nothing lasts forever and the other shoe will drop one day...the reality for both people and what is acceptable may be different, even if the morals in a sense align, everyone knows cheating is bad and divorce is bad but the line in the sand may be in completely different places for two people from completely different upbringings and background.

 

As always you need to communicate with him about this, the problem is you'll likely need a mediator or figure out a way to do it diplomatically, setting in advance the time and place to talk about these things rather than just argue about them.

 

Once you get into that merry-go-round of disagreements and fighting it's hard to break as neither person is any longer really listening to the others perspective and feelings, it becomes a relationship where both people live in their own bubbles. And of course this needs to be done outside of the heat in the moment, when you're not already at high nerves. And don't bring up a serious conversation in an inappropriate situation, that will always lead to bad things. Learn to walk away when things get out of hand or control and are escalating, It's not worth sticking around, you won't change anything...I guarantee you'll regret it.

 

Respect has to also be maintained, that has to be a corner stone of the relationship and exercised by both people....the name calling, or ultimatums or insults and passive aggressive or direct attacks will quickly crumble your efforts to understanding one another.

 

A marriage counselor may be able to mediate a conversation of communication again...the bottom line is the true feelings and issues have to come to the surface or you'll continue to fight and carry on the problems you're having now...It'll only get worse. You have to address all issues and concerns to each other or they can lead to cheating on either end, because you may start looking on the outside to someone who understands you and replaces that disconnect, and really that's just a distraction not something very effective to your current relationship.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Hayley

 

You did not respect your husband. He is Italian. How did you think that would work out?

 

You did not sincerely apologise and reassure him of your respect and exclusive love. How do you expect him to feel reassured?

 

Instead you asked him why he should care, when it is obvious what with the "butterflies" and "intense" "attractive" ex around, that you are not exactly indifferent to your ex. Did you expect that to reassure? Instead it sounds defensive.

 

Apologise wholeheartedly and admit the mistake in your intentions. Same for your initial reaction. Reassure. Ignore the ex utterly. Don't act like some quivering affair-bait.

 

I don't know you ... but FROM YOUR OWN WORDS right now I wouldn't trust you either.

Edited October 21, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Duplicate post deleted.

[CarrieT]

What others have said.

 

Where do i go from here?

You suggest to your husband that since proximity to you Ex is an obvious problem (among others), you offer to move.