catalystmosaic Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 (edited) I wrote here a while ago. This is the link to my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/313602-can-we-friends I thought I would update and see if anyone had any input. I did cease contact with the MM at that time. I met my wonderful current boyfriend a few days later and we have been together for 8 months now. Two months after I stopped contact with MM I did a search on his first name and some info I had about him and to my surprise he had lied to me about his last name 7 years ago. I also discovered that at the time I met him in 2005 he was already married and had 2 children. He now has 4 children. He had lied to me all along. I contacted him and asked him to be honest with me, but he wasn’t until I explained all I knew. We then met up once for coffee and he gave me a long convoluted story... I had told him about my previous boyfriend who was a compulsive liar and it would devastate me if I knew he had also lied to me. He tried to tell me the truth over time (He was in a relationship in 2008 rather than that he was married with 3 children) and in 2012 (that he was married with 2 children, rather than married with 4). Apparently he was still concerned for MY welfare and MY devastation at his lies. He also claimed his wife didn’t like or engage in sex, except of course when they were planning children. (Really?) I told him he should be completely honest with his wife and he declined and said some time ago she’d said that she would understand if he went elsewhere. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t said in the context he’s trying to imply. He seems to have married his high school sweetheart and I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist or if he really believes that someone single and dating for many years would really be devastated to learn (shock horror) that sometimes people lie. Anyway, for me, learning all of this killed everything. I forgave him, because I don’t think it’s healthy to carry around animosity towards another person, but it’s like the connection I thought we had and the light there went out. He, on the other hand, continues to send me emails. I have responded to about one every 2 months and then not responded subsequently. He has sent me 2 emails this month again asking me How am I? Am I ok? He hasn’t heard from me? Is everything alright? Do I want to talk about it some time? And I just feel such indifference. I think I’m just going to ignore him completely now. I just don’t have anything to say. I think maybe he is keeping in touch because he’s afraid I will contact his wife but I’m not sure. Edited October 21, 2012 by catalystmosaic 1
Pierre Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I wrote here a while ago. This is the link to my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/313602-can-we-friends I thought I would update and see if anyone had any input. I did cease contact with the MM at that time. I met my wonderful current boyfriend a few days later and we have been together for 8 months now. Two months after I stopped contact with MM I did a search on his first name and some info I had about him and to my surprise he had lied to me about his last name 7 years ago. I also discovered that at the time I met him in 2005 he was already married and had 2 children. He now has 4 children. He had lied to me all along. I contacted him and asked him to be honest with me, but he wasn’t until I explained all I knew. We then met up once for coffee and he gave me a long convoluted story... I had told him about my previous boyfriend who was a compulsive liar and it would devastate me if I knew he had also lied to me. He tried to tell me the truth over time (He was in a relationship in 2008 rather than that he was married with 3 children) and in 2012 (that he was married with 2 children, rather than married with 4). Apparently he was still concerned for MY welfare and MY devastation at his lies. He also claimed his wife didn’t like or engage in sex, except of course when they were planning children. (Really?) I told him he should be completely honest with his wife and he declined and said some time ago she’d said that she would understand if he went elsewhere. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t said in the context he’s trying to imply. He seems to have married his high school sweetheart and I’m not sure if he’s a narcissist or if he really believes that someone single and dating for many years would really be devastated to learn (shock horror) that sometimes people lie. Anyway, for me, learning all of this killed everything. I forgave him, because I don’t think it’s healthy to carry around animosity towards another person, but it’s like the connection I thought we had and the light there went out. He, on the other hand, continues to send me emails. I have responded to about one every 2 months and then not responded subsequently. He has sent me 2 emails this month again asking me How am I? Am I ok? He hasn’t heard from me? Is everything alright? Do I want to talk about it some time? And I just feel such indifference. I think I’m just going to ignore him completely now. I just don’t have anything to say. I think maybe he is keeping in touch because he’s afraid I will contact his wife but I’m not sure. You still love cheating MM. NOt fair to your BF.
Author catalystmosaic Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 You still love cheating MM. NOt fair to your BF. Not sure that you actually read my post. I have no love for the MM. Indifference and love I think are very different things. My bf is fully aware of this story. Thanks for your input.
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Not sure that you actually read my post. I have no love for the MM. Indifference and love I think are very different things. My bf is fully aware of this story. Thanks for your input. Block him. There really isn't any point of reading his emails or once in a while responding to him. If you truly are in different, then you WILL block him and only focus on your current boyfriend. 1
Mount Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Agree. If OP has no feeling to that XMM, no need to bother then. Just focus the relationship with your current BF. If you are truly indifferent, why are you not blocking his emails or sending them to the trash automatically? My xmm was a liar, in a huge way. There is never an acceptable excuse. You can't fix him, or have any influence over him to help him become clean. Cut him out of your life..........completely. 1
Artie Lang Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 (edited) if there is so much indifference, as you say, why the f*ck do you continue to stay in contact with this man? if you were truly "over it," this thread wouldn't have even been started. look, i know your trying to "move on," but how fair is it to your new boyfriend that you are still in communication with your former AP? this is why i would never entertain a relationship with a woman who's been in an affair. a new person would have an insurmountable task replacing those intense feelings of an affair. they don't stand a chance. too much drama and definitely not worth the effort trying to snap someone back to reality and into a legitimate relationship. just my opinion. Edited October 21, 2012 by Artie Lang
Author catalystmosaic Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 I actually just posted this to update, because there wers some great people who helped me out last time. I like it when the thread starter provides an update. Clearly I was misguided here. I have now spent more time in the last 24 hours pondering these responses than I have thinking about the MM in the last 6 months. The most I've ever even responded to the guy is "Hi, I'm fine. Really busy at work." And I haven't done that for months. I don't really need people here to tell me how I REALLY feel. I am confident about how I feel. I'm not going to enter into a debate about the minutae of my post(s), so people can argue about how they think I really feel. I have no emotion about MM, I love my wonderful bf and I'm not going to justify it any more.
todreaminblue Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) being indifferent means it doesn't matter what he is doing you feel happy fro him if he is happy that is normal to be happy for someone......the indifference comes in when it doesn't impact on your life...it is impacting on you because you are posting that impact here whether or not you admit it.... I have a certain amount of indifference towards my ex he cheated on me after a fifteen year relationship and that ended it with his affair at least he came clean with me....thats a positive....because he was still sleeping with me at the time of the affair(that is the extreme disgust i have).....only about three times a week though.....because i was stressed with parenting responsibility...it would have been more......so i find my positives with the break up and the indifference i have is that his being with another doesnt bother me anymore.......i know it is over.......and i can find the positives......the indifference also comes in when i realised i could feel for someone else....i just let go........of him...(hard for me i am a for better or for worse girl)...of all the bad and the good times too..i let them go...what i feel now i am trying to move forward with unfortunately new emotions have surfaced........ones where i miss my best friend who i told everything too....my partner........but its not him i miss....its that closeness to another male i miss..i am ready to find a new best friend.....someone to share my life with and i didnt think i would feel that again i am an independent have been for years....... i miss having a partner that i can just talk too......who is there for me.....and i class my feelings as indifferent towards my ex.......because it doesn't matter anymore that he isnt part of my life other than with my girls....doesn't stop me missing a closeness to someone..and its not him i am missing...i am not posting on here asking for advice about it though ....i already know how he feels and how i feel......what is it you are feeling????? really what is the thoughts behind this post? I just deconstructed my feelings on indifference using my past relationship.......what is you in deconstruct mode????.....i am interested..lets deconstruct you.......deb Edited October 22, 2012 by todreaminblue
Barrsitter Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Cat.... Indifference is exactly where you want to be. It means you no longer have a "must-have" on this guy. Indifference is freedom, my friend. I thought you summed it up nicely when you said you had nothing more to say. Indeed. And why is your xmm still contacting you? B/c he wants some. He sounds like a typical cheater (aka opportunist). And don't believe anything he says about his M being poor. Blah, blah, blah. It's all justification for him trying to get something from you. Yo Dude...we're on to you, Bud. I agree with others who said cut him off. Don't respond at all, unless you want to start up with him again. Or you want him to email you just so you can ignore him or play head-games which has a certain appeal. Mmmuuuuwwwwaaaahhhhhhaaa. (evil laughter). It's your call.
veryhappy Posted October 23, 2012 Posted October 23, 2012 It's good to have updates from people who moved on from affairs, because if there are only the stories of people who couldn't resist going back it's discouraging. Some people can only fit everything in their box, and they'll push and shove until it fits in there, because that's all they can do. Not saying anything anymore to him is the absolute best thing. If he's annoying, you can tell him that next time he contacts you, he'll hear from your bf, and his wife will be notified of his ways. That should keep him fully away.
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