1 year married with problems

[Slick301]

Hello everyone, I'm new here and joined for some advice.

 

I've bee married for a little over a year with no kids. We actually jus got back from a one year anniversary trip from Europe.

 

Ok, so here's my problem. My wife seems very cold hearted. And this has been going on for a few months now, probably longer. She doesn't like to be touched or hugged. She doesn't like to cuddle or even kis me anymore. Sex is very rare. I can't even remember the last time she initiated sex or leaned over to give me a kiss. When we do have sex, it's like she's emotionless. She doesn't even like to kiss me during sex. I KNOW she's not cheating. I kinda feel like a women in this situation, where I'm the one who need the affection. I'm always telling her I love her and how sexy she is. I'm always the one who tries to hug her and kiss her.

 

Her excuse is, I'm not romantic anymore and that's why she's not affectionate. She says if I start being romantic, she'll show affection.

 

We've been dating of about 9 years before getting married. I'm 32 , she's 28. When we first started dating I guess i was romantic, going on dates and trips and stuff. Just doing thing couples do. We've been together so long I've kind of ran out of ideas. While being married, we've continued go out to dinner, movies, bars, parties, vacations and all kind of other things. To me it's fun.

 

What is romantic? To me it's anything you do with your significant other that's fun or thoughtful. Am I wrong on that? Why does she expect me to do crap that's on the movies? And ive told her, thats a fantasy world. We've been together for over 10 years.......I don't get it. I'm a good husband, and I do everything a man and husband is suppose to do. I jus don't get why doesn't think the things we do together is up to par with what she thinks romance is suppose to be.

 

Is that a good enough reason for her to shut me out? It almost seems like we have a best friend relationship without sex and affection, not a husband and wife relationship. I'm kinda fed up with it and don't think I could go on with this marriage much longer. To me marriage is suppose to about love for one another and it seems she loosing her love for me.

 

Sorry for the rant, thanks in advance for any advice

[Hawaii50]

Hello everyone, I'm new here and joined for some advice.

 

I've bee married for a little over a year with no kids. We actually jus got back from a one year anniversary trip from Europe.

 

Ok, so here's my problem. My wife seems very cold hearted. And this has been going on for a few months now, probably longer. She doesn't like to be touched or hugged. She doesn't like to cuddle or even kis me anymore. Sex is very rare. I can't even remember the last time she initiated sex or leaned over to give me a kiss. When we do have sex, it's like she's emotionless. She doesn't even like to kiss me during sex. I KNOW she's not cheating. I kinda feel like a women in this situation, where I'm the one who need the affection. I'm always telling her I love her and how sexy she is. I'm always the one who tries to hug her and kiss her.

 

Her excuse is, I'm not romantic anymore and that's why she's not affectionate. She says if I start being romantic, she'll show affection.

 

We've been dating of about 9 years before getting married. I'm 32 , she's 28. When we first started dating I guess i was romantic, going on dates and trips and stuff. Just doing thing couples do. We've been together so long I've kind of ran out of ideas. While being married, we've continued go out to dinner, movies, bars, parties, vacations and all kind of other things. To me it's fun.

 

What is romantic? To me it's anything you do with your significant other that's fun or thoughtful. Am I wrong on that? Why does she expect me to do crap that's on the movies? And ive told her, thats a fantasy world. We've been together for over 10 years.......I don't get it. I'm a good husband, and I do everything a man and husband is suppose to do. I jus don't get why doesn't think the things we do together is up to par with what she thinks romance is suppose to be.

 

Is that a good enough reason for her to shut me out? It almost seems like we have a best friend relationship without sex and affection, not a husband and wife relationship. I'm kinda fed up with it and don't think I could go on with this marriage much longer. To me marriage is suppose to about love for one another and it seems she loosing her love for me.

 

Sorry for the rant, thanks in advance for any advice

 

 

Not sure, but if it's her head... It's in her head. And, there isn't much anyone but her can do about it.

[kae]

In a case like this it think what she really wants to say is your not being dominant enough. i feel really awful thinking that this idea might work but here goes when you want affection or attention. withhold. self control is super attractive and is a display of dominance.

 

try and be more dominant so she can be more submissive hence affectionate lovey dovey.

 

im not an expert but passion is a funny thing

[Slick301]

In a case like this it think what she really wants to say is your not being dominant enough. i feel really awful thinking that this idea might work but here goes when you want affection or attention. withhold. self control is super attractive and is a display of dominance.

 

try and be more dominant so she can be more submissive hence affectionate lovey dovey.

 

im not an expert but passion is a funny thing

 

I've done that, didn't work, I'm not at all lovey dovey all the time. I've tried to withhold it. I just don't see how a marriage can last when one is not getting any affection from their significant other. Like I said, she been acting cold hearted for a few months now. She blames it on me not being romantic which I think is a bs excuse. Why do I always have to plan romantic things? Why can't we plan it together?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Sounds like she may be getting bored with the relationship. Women become less enthusiastic when they can always expect a pattern of the same thing and it resonates in all areas.

 

If you're not understanding what she means then ask her to explain, ask her what it is that she wants and needs...just ask her outright, she might be hesitant and you might be scared to ask that kind of question because it makes you feel like a failure, but relationships are ultimately about communication, if you stand by your pride and stubbornness then you're not going to help the situation.

 

My two guesses are that she's either become very bored and her feelings are changing or something has happened or changed to make her feel differently, which it may be connected. So you've got to communicate with her to figure it out, yes she wants you to know and figure it out on your own to some degree but at the same time that may never happen so you're better off asking.

 

As for my advice, you always have to mix things up, surprise her every now and again and keep things different in the bedroom. I'm a very affectionate and lovey dovey type guy, but not in the typical sense either, there's different ways of being lovey dovey, different methods of adding spice to the relationship...and for women it's thoughtfulness, romance, and something out of the ordinary at times, a lot of times it's being a good listener and letting her express herself and just understanding her and not trying to fix her problems or anything (I have a hard time not doing that myself at times, I'm a problem solver big time) but recognize those things and work on them, and also get creative, look at your relationship and notice the patterns, try to throw it off and mix it up even If it's something small...do something spontaneous, it doesn't have to require a lot of effort or be anything grand like an extravagant thing...or even typical.

 

It definitely sounds like the spark is missing though, something is wrong and you need to get to the bottom of it, you can't just play guessing games, this sounds more serious than just romance to me...the above advice is in general but If she's not there emotional she won't recognize or appreciate it so it's going to just be in vain. Being a good husband on the books isn't going to fix this problem.

 

Communicate with her, ask her questions, listen and keep digging until she spills the beans on what she is feeling and why she's felt this way lately...good or bad you've got to find out to move forward. Try not to argue/dispute anything she says, let her tell you how she feels If she does even IF it seems unfair and gets under your skin...It's really hard to do because she might talk out of her butt but you've got to listen to it because it's her feelings and perspective and she has a right to that regardless of whether it makes any sense, and try to understand women from an emotional point of view, not logical or rational, that will just frustrate you.

[strongnrelaxed]

Find some of my old posts on Marriage. You should have been here before you got married. Your story is very common around these parts.

 

Also look up the advice of women like MME Chaucer. She is actually not bad all the time, but your wife is taking advice from women like this. You are in for a rough ride lad.

 

Sorry to hear this and I wish I had something reasonable to offer. You can only change yourself. She is testing you. Go to no more mr nice guy dot c o m and you may get some good advice there.

 

Look up Tom Leykis too. He is funny and mostly dead on when it comes to woman.

 

Good luck.

[simplyme13]

Rest assured this problem is not something that you should feel bad about because many couples who have been together for a long period of time experience this in one way or another. It seems to me that your wife's inhibited sexual desire may be the result of something more than what she has told you. Sometimes women express their frustrations, and unresolved issues by controlling the only thing they can in a relationship, and in this case that would be sex. I suggest you try to open up the lines of communication with your wife and ask her what the real issue is. If she still gives you the same response then maybe you should try to shake up your routine a little by buying her something nice and sexy to wear or other romantic gestures. If after talking, and trying to spice things up, you still find yourself in the same position I would suggest that you see a marriage counselor or a sex therapist to get to the root of the problem.

[Mr. Lucky]

She says if I start being romantic, she'll show affection.

What are examples she gives of the type of romantic things she'd like you to do?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Krytie TV]

The "being romantic" excuse only holds up until you start acting more romantic and nothing changes. I've been in this relationship, and I wish I had more personal insight than simply saying that if it is this bad this soon, this is not something you can fix. Her excuses will change when necessary.

[pink_sugar]

9 years is a long time and it sounds like you both were pretty young when you got together. I would suggest marital counseling to try and re-connect with one another. It happens frequently to people who've been together a number of years.

[colombiana28]

were you her first relationship?

 

i got married to a guy i started dating at 19, first boyfriend, first everything. i got bored and realized a few months into my marriage that i want to live a life that isn't so boring and predictable. i withdrew emotionally from my husband and had a very hard time being honest with him, because he was great, i just wasn't into it anymore. I pulled away, stopped being affectionate, sex didn't interest me anymore. some people might think i'm a horrible person because i didn't take my marriage vows seriously, but the way things have turned out, i couldn't be more happy to be single.

 

i'm not saying this is definitely the case, but i think you should flat out ask her if she actually wants to be married. it might be a case of "i never got to be single and now i'm really f-ing unhappy."

[Ami1uwant]

You should just end this. As other said he may have been bored.

 

Looking back on the few years f your engagement what happened? What exactly changed?

 

It's as if she was in love with the idea f marriage and not what marriage really is.

 

Also....you don't date someone 9 yrs before you marry them. Why wait to get married?

[jagger]

I am in the same boat, or was in the same boat a few weeks ago. My wife was doing the same things, exactly the same things and I know that two people and two relationships are not the same, I can tell you what I did, and what I did help save my marriage and we are on a road back to having a better marriage. We married 2 years ago, and we spent the last year falling apart, and we hit rock bottom and by that I mean she checked out, she left and I was thinking that for how bad things have gotten, it wasn’t a bad idea to let her go. I was a mess to say the least. It wasn't that I wanted her to go, more that I didn't want us both to be so miserable.The hardest thing that I had realized it that it wasn't all her fault. In my relationship, and I am sure it’s the same for everyone’s, is that we both contributed to our problems. I was focused on all her issues and problems and didn't for a second think that I needed to change anything. Everyone I talked to about it, I always explained what she was doing wrong. She didn't want sex ,she had problems with money, she didn’t have her priorities right when it cameto family, religion, our relationship, her friends and our roles in our marriage.I never thought about how she viewed our differences on the matter, just that my views were right and hers were wrong. By me suggesting that she needed professional help or our marriage needed professional help it only drove her away and into her ideals more and it just made things worse. It was only when I broke down and focused on my issues, (of which she continually brought up and I heard, but never understood), that we finally started to work. It was only then that she started to do the same. I am going to go on and put a chapter in a book here, not only for you, but because I feel that what I just went through can help,but because it’s part of me being a better husband by expressing myself and opening up (one of those things that I think every wife dwells on in a marriage, mine especially). I, like most men in a relationship closed my doors to what I really felt and thought. I was fine brining up and rubbing in our differences about what I thought was right in hopes that I could convert her to my way of thinking, but this was deeper issues. What I am now doing, which is what I should have done a long time ago, was realize that in a relationship, there can be two ways of thinking about everything and that my way might not always be the best way for both of us. I will explain this and then explain what we have done to save our marriage but this had to come first.

 

By pushing my thoughts on her, she pushed away more. It was frustrating, I know. By me saying we needed to see a counselor or she needed to see a professional, only made her believe that I thought there was something wrong with her. There is truth behind this. If we would have seen a counselor I believed that they would point out her issues and I would have another person on my side because I thought she was the problem. This wasn’t the right way to go about it. Once I figured out that I should have been thinking about how we needed to work together and that I had my own problems that needed fixed, it was only then that she saw me putting in the effort and that I realized I had problems and that I was willing to work on them before she started to see her own. I don’t want to say I took the first step, but I did take a step and she did the same. We discussed our own issues with each other and then we discussed the issues we had with each other. At this time we brought everything out into the open… it wasn’t overnight, it took over a week to bring them all out. We were as honest as we had ever been because we had nothing to loose and we both listened to each other and didn’t criticize or try to defend ourselves when we brought up our issues with the other person. This was important because we were not trying to argue why we did the things we did, just that we wanted the other to know that it was an issue.It was at this time that we hit a milestone! Neither one of us thought that we should have to change for the other one. We kept saying, “why should I need to change for you, you should be ok with who I am.” I bet you have heard this before. We came to the conclusion together that it is not that we need to change ourselves in order for our marriage to work… “It’s that we need to better ourselves” Big difference! Stay focused on this and I believe that it is what is saving my marriage. “It’s not that I need to change, it’s that I need to better myself.”… Something I have been telling myself often lately, and she has too.

 

Now that I have taken up a whole page and all your time reading this I will move onto what we are doing to improve our marriage. If you are still reading then I assume you really want to help your marriage. A few weeks ago I wouldn’t have made it past the first paragraph because I didn’t want to put in the effort.

 

We realized that there was a reason we are together, and a reason we got married. I think that when you date someone and first get together, you put in as much effort as you can to make it work, you do your best to win them over and you spend time doing the things that you like doing together because it works for the both of you. You put your best foot forward and give it your all because you want to show that person how good you can be for them and the best you have to offer. After a while we get lazy and start doing the things we want to do, even if they don’t, and we expect them to now like the things we enjoy.We got away from all the things we like doing together and started doing our own thing. There is a place for this, every relationship needs these things that we do alone, or with our friends that don’t include our wife, but we can’t let them be priority or more frequent over the things we do with our wives. We couldn’t figure out why we did so well when we dated and why the first part of our marriage went so well and we decided that it was because we did what we loved doing together more often. We are trying to get back into those things so weare now dedicating one night a week to being together and doing the things we did then. We made a list of things we did together and things we both enjoy doing together, even some things one of us enjoys and the other puts up with. We then put each event on notes and put them into a jar, onces a week the day before our night together we pick what we will be doing that night. No matter what we pick, we do it.

 

This might sound a bit simple to work, I can’t lie, last week was when we decided to make this marriage work. This weekend we started this whole mess of getting back to what we do best. It has been the best week of our marriage so far. We are going to play pool tonight, it was the note we picked from our jar yesterday and for the first time in months, we are both excited about going out together.

 

I can’t tell you if this will work for you, or even how it will turn out for my marriage. I do know that 3 weeks ago she was packing her bags and this week we can’t seem to get enough of each other. We are continuing to work on our issues, and it is easier now that we are being so open about them. We took what we both believed was a failed marriage and we are working at it and I hope itall works because I can see now that it was worth fighting for.

Edited December 17, 2012 by jagger
word edditing and spacing

[LoveMyWifey]

Ninjainpajamas has put it well. There is defineately something serious missing and I know that it is hard and extremely difficult to figure it out and know what to do but you have to do something drastic IMO.

 

She needs something different from the same boring situation that you are in. You have to get her heart racing again and be confident, unpredicable and not "needy" of her approval.

 

I know it is hard, I have suffered much of the same as you but you can do it. Do alot of research on the net, download flirting mp3's and listen to them in your car. Read read and read and take in little things which fit with you. She knows you better than you know yourself in alot of ways and women KNOW if you are not genuine or faking. Keep it simple and try to learn about the "push and pull" dynamic within flirting. make it fun and without alterior motives and learn when to back off. Even clearly state something unique and special about her in a text or email... something unique to her that perhaps nobody else knows, and she knows it. Then say something like "thinking of you xoxo" and leave it at that, dont ask her about it or fish for a response. Women need to have meaningful connections with friends and loves ones (sorry, generalisation I know), and above all, their spouse. Women need to know without doubt that they are UNIQUE and SPECIAL, use these words and don't lie. She will know if you are.

 

That anxiety inside you you need to address. I have felt exactly the same as you and still do sometimes... But the common theme seems to be that you NEED her too much and are unstablised by her responses.

 

You are the man she fell in love with and you can win her heart. She is lucky to be with you because you have a whole lifetime of experiences to offer her. She is your wife, you already have her, she loves you. Whatever you choose to do make it genuine without her having interpreted that you need her and that her responses to you will put you off center within yourself.

 

By "need" I really mean being "needy". I thought I had better clarify that.

 

Stay in touch and best of luck. Be the man you know are, step up to the plate.

 

P.S. and for the record, make her your priority, help her around the house ALL OF THE TIME. The dishes, folding clothes and making the bed, cooking dinner and all those jobs you know she has wanted done for ages. Show it in your actions.

Edited December 18, 2012 by LoveMyWifey