lliw719 Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Me and my ex are both 22 and we dated for 20 months. We have been in long distance for more than 2 months as I graduated earlier than her. We broke up 19 days ago when it all started in whatapps argument that I'm not happy about she went out with friends so late at night without telling me. I was angry and said some nasty things which I deeply regret. She refused to pick up my call even I forced her then I said fine let's break up. I felt extremely regret for my actions cause I loved her so much and I took things for granted. So I called her back after a day but she refused to pick up again saying she wanted to get over me and wish me to get over her as well. She then went on and said we need the break up as she was tired of the relationship. She also mentioned that she has been struggling for the past 2 weeks and not sure if she loved me anymore. I started begging and stuffs (all in whatapps) but she insisted the break up and said "at least this is not the right timing", "just give ourselves sometimes" etc. So I went no contact from there for 15 days then I casually whatapps her and asked how are you recently. She replied casually but our conversation last for a few lines as she said she needa sleep. I then whatapps her again after 3 more days and the same thing happened. I got friends which are close friends with her and they are sure that there is no another guy involved. She plays with her girlfriends and goes to casino every other night and quite often having insomnia. A friend asked her "Do you miss him?" She replied "not really, not much feeling at the moment" She also told my friend after the break up that she feels relief as i gave her a lot of pressure during the relationship. I really want that second chance cause I can't bear losing her I love her so much I would change and I know I could. Please tell me what to do...should I keep no contact and text her once in awhile to let her miss me? We may meet in about 2 months as she will be on holiday but I am not sure how should I approach to her. Please help!
Calico Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Changing starts with respecting her wishes, and her wish right now is that you leave her alone. She made that pretty obvious to you, and she told your friend that she has no feelings for you. How much clearer does it have to be for you to understand that she is most likely done? This bites, but it is what it is and there is nothing you can do to change that (you can do a lot to make her hate you, though, like keep messaging her when she essentially blew you off repeatedly and you failed to take the hint; she'll experience this as more of the controlling and clingy behavior). She's twenty, which is the typical "I want to explore and experience life" age, and your controlling and distrusting behavior was exactly what she doesn't want at this point in her life. You're also kidding yourself if you believe you'd suddenly be all right with her nightly tours and, quite possibly, flirting with other men. Why would you even want to have to deal with that? You don't trust her and quite possibly she can't be trusted at this point (she wants out). Now, don't stop reading here and beat yourself up: This doesn't mean that it's all your fault and that if you had not done and said what you did, none of this would have happened. It would almost certainly have happened anyway, and you only accelerated the process a little bit, but it may well be beneficial: she may have cheated on you and then dumped you. And that would have been worse. Bluntly put, and I am sorry for the directness of this response (I do know it hurts, but there is no easier way of saying that), what you want is not relevant if what you want requires her to act in a specific way. You can want whatever you want as long as your desire only concerns you. You can't "make" her love you and you can't "make" her want to be with you. This sucks hard, trust me I know, but you don't really have a choice in the matter. The choices you have are basically these: 1) Pester her more and make it worse (more pain). 2) Sit around and wait, break NC every few days (more pain). 3) Accept that there is nothing you can do and work on moving on (less pain in the mid/long term). If you go NC, asking friends about stuff is not a good idea. Don't be open for news either. I snapped at everyone who talked about my ex, and people respect that and don't bring up anything related to her. Helps tremendously. Lastly, you can start working on yourself regardless of what she is or is not doing. If you think you should improve yourself, start right away. If you make it conditional ("I'll change if she comes back ..."), you don't really want to improve. 1
Author lliw719 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 thx for the comment! Deep down i know the chance of getting her back is slim. But it's just extremely hard to get through everyday as I have many of her stuffs and gifts around my house that I could not possibly get rid of. When we were together she used to talk a lot of stuffs like getting married and naming our children etc. I found it really hard to accept the fact that she could just all leave it behind. She is the best girl i have ever met and my parents love her too. But it's true that she loves to go out and go clubbing even tho she insisted she was not there to get attention form boys but just to have fun with her girlfriends etc. I did sometimes holding her back and didn't want her to go out. I wish to take it as a lesson but deep deep down I don't wanna love another woman i wanna use this to make our love grow stronger. I know i'm being very irrational and unrealistic but i do try very hard to control my emotions. I even wrote a letter but have not been sent yet. It is quite an emotional letter that state i would give her time and that i would not give her anymore pressure etc. Now I am not sure if I should send it.. I might just gonna hear your advise and stay NC till....forever..if I ever could.
Calico Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Don't beat yourself up so much. Her choices don't say as much about you as they do about herself. This is really mostly about her and this stage of her life, and not really about you. See, I know you believe you can change her mind by declaring your feelings, promising to change and showing her that you care, but it's not how it works. I tried all of that too and it didn't make a lick of a difference. It's a painful thought, but consider that right now she may be totally sick of you (she feels controlled), and she probably projects some of her own mistakes on you. Sending her texts, letters, flowers, etc. will not make her think, "Oh, he's so sweet!", but she'll make a face and say, "Ugh, him again." It's not what you want. Leaving her be is the best way not only to heal and move forward, but also offers the best chance (slim) to get her back. You should not hope for this because hope is like glue and it gets you stuck, but even if you are not yet ready to embrace the idea that it's over (and that is all right, it takes time), not contacting her is still the best approach. She won't forget you and she knows how you feel. You don't have to remind her. Geegirl or KatZee often say, "You're either memorable or forgettable.", and contact or no contact don't affect that. As for loving another woman ... you don't have to think about that now. Befriend yourself a little, explore what it's like being on your own, see what you can do for yourself (hang with friends, go to the gym, do some things you like doing that don't require another person). Take it easy for a while and loosen the grip a little. You're twenty, there's no rush. And you'll see, you'll be fine, no matter how this situation plays out. 1
Author lliw719 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Calico...thx a lot for the advise and comment. I deeply appreciate. I will now keep the letter to myself and keep no contact!
Author lliw719 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 I do realize at the back of my mind I'm still hoping to get back with her and this is what makes it hard to get over her... Tho hard to accept I will now try to expect nothing more from her..
mvc Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 when you stop expecting anything from them it starts getting easier. it still hurts and you still miss them, but at the same time you are aware that you are moving on one step at a time 1
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