simplyme13 Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 My husband and I have been together for a few years now and despite my many attempts to get him to open up he refuses. Anytime there is an emotional issue between us he responds by getting angry and shutting down. He tells me I should know he loves me, and should be satisfied with things as they are. I feel that I am not wrong in wanting better communication with him. Is he right? Am I asking too much?
TiredFamilyGuy Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 (edited) No you are not asking too much. Knowing each others mind and heart, is necessary. Why? Well, a couple can drift along in a happy romance bubble for a while without this. But when trouble comes - and in the form of illness, unemployment, frustrations, divergent desires, temptations, it eventually will - then the bubble will pop and without real understanding, you will be in trouble. You are Not Happy already and he needs to face up to this without sticking his fingers in his ears and saying "I can't hear you!" so to speak. Suggest you each write down what you need from your partner AND what you think your partner needs from you. Compare and discuss. That said, incessant sharing of feelings is not a natural guy thing to do. So when this is done don't bug him continually about it. Edited October 21, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy
TiredFamilyGuy Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 No you are not asking too much. Knowing each others mind and heart, is necessary. People can drift along in a happy romance bubble for a while without this. But when trouble comes - and in the form of illness, unemployment, frustrations, divergent desires, temptations, it eventually will - then the bubble will pop and without real understanding, you will be in trouble. That said, continual sharing of feelings is not a natural guy thing to do. Suggest you each write down what you need from your partner AND what you think your partner needs from you. Compare and discuss.
Silly_Girl Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 My parents are very similar, I don't know how my mum gets by. There's a lot of stereotypical 'things to look for in a man' I'd be more than happy to forgo if the communication is good quality, and frequent. I'm wired that way and nothing else will do. Does your husband realise how much this means to you? Is there an analogy you could use for something he needs in his life that's important to him? Have you spelled out WHAT you need? For example, instead of saying 'I want you to communicate', you could say 'I'd love if we went for a walk somewhere pretty and just chatted for a while about how our week has been'. Some men lack confidence in this area and need something similar to instructions to help then break down the barriers. Are there specifics you want him to discuss with you, or is he generally just very closed? I knew a guy who seemed resistant to opening up, but if I talked about a couple I knew that wasn't us, for example, he could put himself in that scenario and talk about how he would feel in their shoes, I got to understand him a bit better through that type of conversation, as opposed to a 'let's talk about us/you/me' scenario.
Hawaii50 Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I don't think so, but apparently he does... Did you know this before you married him? My parents are very similar, I don't know how my mum gets by. There's a lot of stereotypical 'things to look for in a man' I'd be more than happy to forgo if the communication is good quality, and frequent. I'm wired that way and nothing else will do. Does your husband realise how much this means to you? Is there an analogy you could use for something he needs in his life that's important to him? Have you spelled out WHAT you need? For example, instead of saying 'I want you to communicate', you could say 'I'd love if we went for a walk somewhere pretty and just chatted for a while about how our week has been'. Some men lack confidence in this area and need something similar to instructions to help then break down the barriers. Are there specifics you want him to discuss with you, or is he generally just very closed? I knew a guy who seemed resistant to opening up, but if I talked about a couple I knew that wasn't us, for example, he could put himself in that scenario and talk about how he would feel in their shoes, I got to understand him a bit better through that type of conversation, as opposed to a 'let's talk about us/you/me' scenario.
todreaminblue Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 My husband and I have been together for a few years now and despite my many attempts to get him to open up he refuses. Anytime there is an emotional issue between us he responds by getting angry and shutting down. He tells me I should know he loves me, and should be satisfied with things as they are. I feel that I am not wrong in wanting better communication with him. Is he right? Am I asking too much? I dont think you are asking too much at all.One thing I do know is sometimes if is important and you just let them know hey when you are ready i am here if you want to talk about it.....they might just open up......if they don't they at least know that you are wanting to talk and listen when they are ready...i wish you well and many open lines of communication soon.....deb
Eve Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I think it depends on how you are asking and why. Wanting to talk and naturally talking about emotional issues can be very different! Also, I would be cautious in thinking that the person who wants deep emotional talks is the one who is emotionally mature. Sometimes people are seeking drama.. My Husband came along once I stopped with the negative script I previously had and would bring to new relationships. Once I let that die, a whole new world opened up. My Husband respects that there are things in my past I do not talk about and we stay very much in the present if something needs to be talked about. So, be cautious OP. His anger may be justified if you are just pushing buttons to hear he loves you. Sometimes a person shows love by what they do. Obviously if he isn't doing anything to show you love and not saying anything either.. that is a bad place to be. The only restriction I hold to in my marriage is to not try to talk to my Husband about emotional stuff when we are in bed. He HATES this because he says this is what his ex used to do. Based on his reactions she would often withdraw sex. He felt trapped because as far as he was concerned everything was fine, until bedtime, then it would all come out. Looking back he can see that she was finding ways to justify her behaviours outside the marriage by putting him on the spot. So, talk but don't put each other on the spot. Doesn't work. I schedule things with Hubby. So, I will say, 'can we talk about .. such and such after dinner?' .. in order to prepare him. Maybe try that approach? Take care, Eve x 1
TiredFamilyGuy Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Agree with Eve. She put it better than I did. Softly softly.
Recommended Posts