Under The Radar Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 (edited) I had a multi level spinal fusion several years ago that left me in chronic pain. Through trial and error I have been able to find an exercise regimen that doesn't aggravate my condition. Nevertheless, it does limit me in certain things. For instance, I cannot pick heavy objects off the ground or go jogging. I seriously start to get uncomfortable when I see the polar water container at my business start to get low because I have to squat the new ones up and into position (they only weigh 45 pounds) I have constant anxiety over being rejected and judged for this! I have been on 8 dates since my last relationship and all of them agreed to go on a second date with me. I never end up pursuing anything because of this fear of being looked at as weak and not "man enough". Just writing these words down makes me feel pathetic. The funny thing is, I look normal to these girls. I'm 6'1 and about 175 pounds. That was my pre-op weight, but one month after surgery I weighed 145 pounds! It took me two years to recover and gain some weight back. I present well when I dress up and go out, but I just feel like a fraud. Any ideas on how to tell women I might date about this without coming across as a complete loser. I feel like if someone got to know me for a couple months first they might accept me as I am, but not on the first date. Then again, if I hide it (and I could for a while if I so chose), that's not fair to them either. Help? Edited October 21, 2012 by Training Revelations
Calico Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 It's just your back, not your penis! Seriously, though, it's a question better suited to be answered by a woman, but I don't feel that it's likely that the type of girl you actually want to be with would have a problem with the back or that you cannot lift heavier objects (I rarely find myself having to carry stuff that's 20+ kg/40 lbs, so it would come up often in my life). The jogging bit may be a limitation, but I would think that anyone who cares about you would simply not mind and be happy to opt with other shared physical activities (and you don't have to do everything together). It's possible that I'm too radical here, but I feel that anyone who would reject a love interest because of something relatively minor that does not come with significant, sacrificial downsides from a relationship point of view is simply not someone you want to be in a relationship with in the first place. If someone had issues with your back and the tiny bit of consideration it requires, being with them sounds like endless stress stemming from a fear of not going to be good enough (also, think a little about all the many good aspects you have, the things that make you a great catch). I met all my previous exes in non-conventional ways (gaming/entertainment industry, so it's all a bit different!), but why not casually mention your recovery and the back injury at one of the earlier dates? There is, of course, also the approach to not deliberately look for a date (I never have) and just make friends with women. There may be a lot less pressure in the sense that impressing them isn't really crucial. Plus, people are more impressive when they don't try to impress! But as I said, I really never did any formal dating and things always happened unexpectedly or grew from friendship (and here I am, forty and deliberately single again -- maybe this is not the right away, after all!). Any hobbies or interests that would lend themselves to making female friends in a relaxed environment? 1
sedgwick Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I'm female, and that wouldn't be the slightest issue for me. I don't date guys because of how much they can lift or their physical strength; I date them because I like who they are as people! 3
Author Under The Radar Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Thanks Calico, I needed that. Your opening remark had me laughing for a solid minute Yeah, I'm starting to appreciate being single more and more as I've healed. I remember you telling others in the break up forum to consider the advantages of a break up instead of dwelling and it does help. I also tend to agree with you about the right person comes along when we are usually not looking for them. Regarding activities, I can bike even if I cannot jog. I also intend to get an irish terrier dog (don't worry, I won't let him harm any cats) and walking him might give me a chance to meet more people. Anyway, thanks for the pep talk - I really appreciate your input on these forums. BTW, I'm glad to see you have remained NC and are slowly healing.
Author Under The Radar Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Sedgwick, Thanks for that - I hope someday to meet a special woman who feels the way you do. I just have to accept that anyone who doesn't isn't meant to be a partner for me.
Mcnulty Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Christ, no disrespect intended, but I wish a bad back was all I had to worry about telling a lady!! Not going to go into detail, but I had something done to me 7 months ago, it's a nightmare and with me 24-7, that's all i'll say. I am terrified of telling a lady about it, hence single, ill health and healing slowly I hope. 100% this is a concern for you and you only, I wouldn't think there'd be any women out there who would be put off by your bad back!
Author Under The Radar Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 (edited) Christ, no disrespect intended, but I wish a bad back was all I had to worry about telling a lady!! Not going to go into detail, but I had something done to me 7 months ago, it's a nightmare and with me 24-7, that's all i'll say. I am terrified of telling a lady about it, hence single, ill health and healing slowly I hope. 100% this is a concern for you and you only, I wouldn't think there'd be any women out there who would be put off by your bad back! Hi Mcnulty, No disrespect taken. I am sorry to hear about your condition and that you are suffering. I hope that you continue to heal and get the help you deserve. Regarding my "bad back", I wish it was only 100% my concern. I have 6 screws the length of your middle finger and 3 rods in my spine. The operation was not as successful as hoped; it was a calculated risk and one I weighed for years until making the decision to have it. Having type three radiculopathy in my legs (nerve pain), hip and knee mobility problems, and localized weakness in the surgical site does challenge me on a daily basis. Nevertheless, I am NOT comparing my condition to anyone else in these forums or even in the world. I am well aware that MANY people have it much worse than me. One catalyst that prompted me to post a thread such as this one is because IT WAS a problem in my previous relationship (which was toxic and unhealthy). I stayed in it FAR longer than I should have and ultimately lost myself because of my indecision. I don't want to get into the details of what exactly occured, but YES, she did take "potshots" at my lower back condition and was incredibly insensitive about it. A healthy individual would have left the relationship at that point, but I stayed because of low self-esteem. Once again, I am sorry for what it is you may be going through. My intention was never to trivialize anyone else's problems; I was just looking for some guidance/support. Please take care ... Edited October 21, 2012 by Training Revelations
CopingGal Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 (edited) Okay, you know what, it really isn't a big deal compared to other things. There's a guy in a wheelchair with one leg and he's married. Okay? Seriously, it's just your back. If people are going to make a big deal about it, then screw them, they are not for you. Your back and other medical problems was not an issue in your last relationship. Your gf's insensitivity and stupidity was. Don't worry. But I know what you mean. I have health issues and I'm nervous. I can't lay in bed. I have to sleep sitting up or on some kind of high pillow wedge. I can't do a lot of things because of it. I'm scared too. But think about all the people who are seriously disabled and find someone. I once met a woman with no lower arm and no hand. Yet she had a boyfriend and they were close. Don't stress dear. And no, you don't have to tell people about your medical problems right away. There is nothing wrong with waiting until you get comfortable. If you were a bank robber and you were planning your next robbery...yep, that should be disclosed. But you have a medical problem that is not contagious. You can wait until you feel comfortable telling the person. Edited October 21, 2012 by CopingGal
Author Under The Radar Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Hi CopingGal, I have read many of your posts over the last year and followed your journey. I am thankful for your post and compassion. In fact, I appreciate the kind words and help you impart to so many on these forums. I am sorry for your health problems and the challenges they bring to your life. Like you, I get scared, but it's nice to know places like LS exist to make those fears known without feeling judged. I wish you nothing but the best. In strength, Josh
CopingGal Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Hi CopingGal, I have read many of your posts over the last year and followed your journey. I am thankful for your post and compassion. In fact, I appreciate the kind words and help you impart to so many on these forums. I am sorry for your health problems and the challenges they bring to your life. Like you, I get scared, but it's nice to know places like LS exist to make those fears known without feeling judged. I wish you nothing but the best. In strength, Josh How sweet. Thanks. Seriously Josh, don't ever stay with someone who uses your health problem against you. That's mean. You deserve better. A good partner will lift you up, not bring you down.
Exit Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 There are millions of guys out in the world, perfectly healthy, with no injuries, who still get out of shape and couldn't lift 50lbs from the ground if their life depended on it. Having a spinal fusion gives you a pretty damn good excuse lol. Sure there are women out there who will look for physical traits in a man, just like there are women who won't get serious with you until you know how much is in your bank account. Just weed those ones out and find someone who wants you for you. You're 175lbs and you do whatever exercises you can still manage to do, you're in better shape and making more of an effort than 90% of people out there. 1
Author Under The Radar Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 Thanks Exit - I agree with everything you wrote. Even with my back condition I'm usually pretty confident, but the comments from my last girlfriend really hammered away at my self-esteem. Of course, I have nobody to blame but myself for not walking away sooner. When I date again it will be easier for me to decipher the red flags.
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