mustangsb27 Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I'll try to make this as short and non-convoluted as possible. If you want to read my back story, click on my user name and read a thread or two. I've been NC with my ex gf that I broke up with last March. It didn't end well. Since then I've gone through all the stages of recovery and I have to say I'm doing pretty good. I hit the gym, started seeing other people, have been hanging out with friends etc. Living my life. I'm not gonna lie, I still get a little bitter sometimes when I think of the sh*tty way she treated me and secretly wish her and the all her screw buddies would collectively get hit by a greyhound bus. Pretty normal, right? Anyway, I was out with some buddies of mine last night listening to a band and out of the blue my ex sends me a text, basically saying that we always had a great time together except for me investigating the nature of her continuing contact with an ex (?) f**k buddy (she made me feel guilty about even asking about it) and some impulsive comments I made on my private FB page (hadn't unfriended her yet). Also, that she was sad about the way it ended. Nothing about lying to me, screwing around behind my back or anything like that. Also, she said that she knew I was hanging out with T________ , a mutual friend of ours who basically was the one who gave me the skinny on her cheating on me last spring. So the question: What in the hell does she want? Why is she trying to contact me now? It's been 7 months for God's sake. I haven't responded. Any thoughts on what's going through her twisted brain?? Thank you so much for any insight you can give me!
Calico Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 So the question: What in the hell does she want? Why is she trying to contact me now? It's been 7 months for God's sake. I feel that there is pretty much zero value in trying to figure out what someone else thinks, and it's likely to just drive you crazy and get you stuck. She may not even know herself why she's doing what she's doing. We can go over possible explanations, like temporary loneliness, a surge of nostalgia, a brush of sentimentality, maybe a pang of anger, or wanting to check out how you feel about her, testing if you're angry, exploring superficial and insubstantial fantasies about getting back together, and so on. But she's the only person who really knows, and maybe she doesn't even have an idea why she did it. The question is: Why does it matter to you why she is doing this? My latest contact with my ex (when I falsely believed I would be able to be friends and took the call) was pretty much about her wanting to make sure I wasn't mad at her, and to tell me she'll always love me, but doesn't want to be with me. Lots of other stuff she said, none of it at all compatible with "not wanting to be together", but I know that the moment I'll try to understand this, I'll go down a dark path that leads to absolutely nowhere. It's not what I want to do to myself, so I just accept it all at face value and let it go before it gets sticky. Unless you feel you can and want to be friends with her (doesn't sound like it), I would not respond to her. Don't jeopardize the good place you're currently in. 2
Squidoo Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Why do ex's worry so much about whether we hate them or not? I had a conversation with mine this week where he insisted we will always be friends and for me not to think he's a w*****r, I don't get it?
Author mustangsb27 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Calico, thanks so much for those words of wisdom. You saved me $100 on a session with my therapist. Seriously, I think she's feeling a little guilty about everything, but she will never own up to anything she did (me thinks she has a bit of BPD). I think she's afraid of people thinking less of her for treating me the way she did. All her friends (most are my friends now as a consequence) still love me and didn't join in the "shunning" that she tried to get going. They all knew that I didn't do a thing to her except try to find out the truth behind these other men she had on the side from independent sources (since she lied about it). I treated her better than anyone has ever treated her in her life (her words, not mine). She just didn't want to be accountable, which I believe you have to be in order to have a stable relationship. Hey, call me a controlling ass if you want, but that's what I believe. A little guilt ridden, I would say, all told. Yes, squidoo, they want to know that your not mad at them just so they can feel good about themselves. Pretty selfish. Personally, I'm not forgiving her until she comes clean with everything and apologizes which I don't see happening.
suladas Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Personally if you feel like it won't hurt you i'd respond, but I would be absolutely cold in doing so. Or it also says a lot to just ignore it. I agree they want to know you don't hate them. My ex even asked that when she broke up with me. I think it says more to just ignore them then to tell them how you feel about them and how you're pissed about what they did to you.
NewUser222 Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 That my friend is a drunken text message that she probably had to close her eyes and look away when she sent it to you. If you want to be with her at all that is a positive sign but doesnt sound to much like you do
Chi townD Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Guilt finally hit her and she's looking to ease that guilt. She said her piece. Nothing more to be said.
Author mustangsb27 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 Yeah, I'm positive she was a guilt thing and yes, she was probably drunk, since the text came in at 11:00 PM on a Saturday. If she's guilty, though, why doesn't she own up to everything instead of essentially blaming me?? All I ever did to her was take exception to her maintaining contact with an ex that was pressing to come into town to f**k. Didn't know about the dude across the street yet. Other than that, I treated her like a goddess, although at this point I can't understand why. I know, trying to understand the un-understandible (is that even a word?). Thanks so much for the insight and the advice. So helpful. Has this happened to any of you guys (or girls)?
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