Mspink702 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I hate feeling like this. My ex and I were together for 5 years and he broke up with me 2 weeks ago and moved back home to where he is from in California! I know he broke up with me cause he met someone else even though he won't admit it other people have confirmed this. We still talk every few Days just to say hi and see how each other is doing and I know I probably should cut off all contact. With him but that scares me! I cant imagine not talking to him for a few weeks or a month because for the past 5 years thats all ive done! We can go a couple days of not talking but when i get a text from him I get so happy cause i know that means hes thinking about Me and maybe he misses me and maybe there is a Chance we could get back together! I know it's stupid But i miss him so much and right now if he came back today I would take him back after everything because i hate feeling this way! Somedays I'm okay and don't think about him too much but other days like today I can't stop thinking about him and feeling sad and depressed. And then the thought of no contact scares the crap out of me! What should I do? Anyone else feel this way or is it juSt me? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
mammasita Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Nope, it's not just you. No advice, but I'm struggling today also.
Calico Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 NC is scary and when you start it, the first few days and weeks will be hell. It is very much like alcohol withdrawal (I'm fairly sure what happens on a psychological and partly brain-chemical level is really the same) and you'll have to be very strong. And like with alcohol withdrawal, the biggest step is to actually make the decision to do something about your situation. The dreams in the beginning make it harder still, and your addicted brain will constantly offer you delicious reasons why you should send a text, make a call, drop an email. All to get a "fix". #1 among those is "if I'm not around, s/he'll forget me or think I am not waiting still!". It's nonsense, but it'll sound perfectly logical when the need and the urge are so strong. Every time you break NC, and that includes responding to breadcrumbs, you'll rubberband back, and it's very easy to get stuck unless you really get to a place where you want to move on and to let go. The mental work you have to do is to be willing to move forward instead of waiting and hoping. NC is not useful if you think it will get the person back. It might, but if that is the purpose, you'll get yourself stuck. The good news is that after a few weeks the pain gets better and the longing more manageable, if you do the work. Just sitting and waiting won't do, and staying in contact as you currently do, well, you know how well that is working. Treat it like an addiction, because that is what it is. (And don't believe your mind when it tells you after 6 weeks that you're ready to be friends when the person calls ... I learned the hard way that this is unlikely to be the case.) If you decide to go NC, remember that the people here on this forum will be there for you. 1
mishy Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 he broke up with you, so why are you contacting each other? It seems a little odd, aren't you really angry at him? What does he want by contacting you?
Author Mspink702 Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 He did break up with me but said we would always be friends and I am scared to lose him even as a friend that's why we are still in contact. And of course I'm mad and angry but I'm also sad and hurt and i feel like he is the only one who can take away my pain right now, even though he's the one that caused it.
mishy Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 He did break up with me but said we would always be friends and I am scared to lose him even as a friend that's why we are still in contact. And of course I'm mad and angry but I'm also sad and hurt and i feel like he is the only one who can take away my pain right now, even though he's the one that caused it. you need no contact so that you can heal. Being "freinds" is just going to prolong it. he can't help you recover, he is just going to make it harder because with each contact you are holding out hope that he might want o get back together. You are just punishing yourself
Author Mspink702 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 I know and your right but that's what I'm scared about. We stop talking and then who knows if we will ever talk again!? It's painful and scary for me think about!
mishy Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 he needs to know you have boundaries though. By being in contact you are just prolonging the hurt.
Calico Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I'm also sad and hurt and i feel like he is the only one who can take away my pain right now He cannot! He is the source of the pain, so he cannot be the cure. What you do right now is like an alcoholic trying to stop drinking and when the need and the urge surface, he drinks another bottle of booze to feel better. Until the effect wears off. It's an endless cycle and one that eventually results in a complete breakdown or death. You're doing the same thing here: You feel bad, the pain increases, then you talk to him (or get a text) and feel relief. And it feels so good for a little while! Maybe it's all manageable after all. The relief fades again, then you feel bad again, the pain increases, and you need another "fix". You make contact again or respond. This never ends and you get stuck in the pain situation like a hamster in a wheel. There is no easy way. There is also no way "around" the pain and the despair and the fear. You have to go THROUGH them. You have to endure the discomfort, the hopelessness, the depression, the panic, the dread, the loneliness, the anxiety, the queasiness in the stomach, the feelings of being torn apart alive, the confusion, the urge to DO something, and so on. And when you get through this, then you'll be free. Then you'll be liberated. Then you'll live life again. 2
Under The Radar Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 His posts are often nuggets of gold, but his responses to your OP are so spot on, I considered writing them down for MY future breakups to help me move forward. There is no way around the pain of NC and you will not begin to heal until you implement it. Had I gone and stayed NC at the end of my last relationship I'd have avoided inexplicable levels of pain. I didn't understand the analogies to drug addiction and getting a "fix", but that is precisely what it is. I wish you well in your recovery.
Author Mspink702 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Ok I'm just going to try and do this even though its going to be hard! I'm going to try and be strong and not call or text him and try not To respond if he contacts me first. I know I have to go through this pain it just sucks! Like some days are better then others i feel so good and strong and i start to think maybe ill be ok! and then days like today just suck and I feel sad and weak! And those are the days I want to get that "fix"
Under The Radar Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Yes, it will be hard. For me, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life (and I'm presently 38). You may end up breaking NC at some point, to get that "fix", and the resulting pain is necessary to convince you that NC is the way to go. NC truly is the only way to protect ourselves when a relationship is over so we can heal properly. Another mistake I'd caution you not to make is dwelling in the memories for months on end. As other posters have mentioned on this board daily, you have to make a conscious effort to move forward. I made another detrimental mistake by reliving the realtionship in my head obsessively. That keeps you stuck in a perpetual pain cycle. Oh, and remember, things like Facebook and pictures are breaking NC too. You don't want to know how your ex is doing, dating, or living life. This was another huge mistake I (and many others) made. Of course, I needed to learn these valuable lessons the hard way - I sincerely hope you do not. Take care of yourself and I'm sorry things are so hard right now . 2
sendme Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 so here's the thing.... it'll be hard... I had almost the same thing happen, a six year relationship ended, and he moved home from california and we stayed in contact... and that staying in contact hampered me from being happy in my next relationship... you have to break contact because what you're both doing is ensuring you still have a safety net, but a broken relationship isn't a safety net it's like falling 100 feet down onto shards of glass... you have to break contact because you have to learn who you are without him... it'll be tough, it'll suck... but you can do it 1
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