perfection walking Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 After 2.5 years of roller coaster rides I finally broke things off with married man 2 weeks ago. I am still reeling from the icredible pain the loss has caused and want to know how long these feelings of intense sorrow, lonliness and longng for MM will last. Ive read enough stories here to know I need to remain NC (its been difficult, caved only once) and to stay busy, engaged with family/friends. Not having any problems doing these things. What I am having trouble with is the extremeness of missing him and my thoughts being consummed by him.
Ladydrib Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 After 2.5 years of roller coaster rides I finally broke things off with married man 2 weeks ago. I am still reeling from the icredible pain the loss has caused and want to know how long these feelings of intense sorrow, lonliness and longng for MM will last. Ive read enough stories here to know I need to remain NC (its been difficult, caved only once) and to stay busy, engaged with family/friends. Not having any problems doing these things. What I am having trouble with is the extremeness of missing him and my thoughts being consummed by him. The loss and feeling of missing him will probably go on for awhile. What I've found is that pretty quickly after that constant feeling of pain, the pain turns to periods of pain that come and go (rather than constant pain). The period lengths and frequency of the pain get shorter in general. But after two steps forward, you might have a step back (a bad couple days). The more you throw yourself into work, hobbies, and friends (and find a way to genuinely enjoy your active time) the more steps you will take forward. And sometimes you can allow yourself to grieve. But don't fall down. You just keep pushing. Remember you're probably ending the affair because you are aware that it was unhealthy. Keep focused on that. Know that you are headed in a direction that will make life happy and fulfilling. I know it doesn't feel natural, because you probably just want to be with MM, but you will push through that pain to get to a good place. 1
Adamgem Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I agree with ladydrib..... focus on the fact that you ended it because it was going to be bad for you to stay. I feel much more pain than I imagined. I have a constant pain in my chest and I burst into tears every now and then. I am also exhausted because of being homeless and out of a job. I don't know your situation but I hope you get through it. You are not alone.
Author perfection walking Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 My heart is broken, its all I can do to put on foot in front of the other. Being the other woman is such a lonely place. I have not told anyone about A and likely never will. Keep ruminating on the what ifs...what if I had stayed, would it be better, would we be together in just a few short months? Looking back the entire A was a crazy cycle of ups and downs. I stayed 2 years longer than I originally intended bc I had the carrot of a real relationship constantly dangling just out of reach. Towards the end I was resenting his inability to commit and his excuses as to why. Yet I stupidly believed him for not one, but 2.5 years when he said he loved me more than anything in the world, that his blood pumped thru my veins (who says that kinda stuff??), that I was the best thing that ever happened to him, his soul mate, all the classic things Ive learned here on LS that every OW hears. My brain knows its best to move on but my heart clings to the hope we will be together. I feel broken.
veryhappy Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I'm 5 weeks into it, and from all I've read it goes like this: out of the darkest dark at one month (it's true for me), better by three months, life is back to normal within one year. This assuming your mind is set to move on from the A and accept the loss of the person and the fantasy. Otherwise it can continue for years and years.
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Some are totally okay being the OW and have settled in their role as OW, are happy enough in the affair. It is what it is. The focus more on the good than the bad. With that said, I'm glad you had the strength to end it. As painful as it is and as much as you're hurting, you did the right thing for yourself. Seems you want more than just being the OW and sharing a man with his wife and kids. Do tell a trusted woman friend, you need some support and someone to talk to - Someone to cheer you up, hold you when you cry... Posting here is great but having other support is just as important. Your heart will catch up to your brain as time goes on. Things will be more clear and you'll be more detached to see it all more objectively. I AM looking forward to reading your anger stage rants! Oh, that's coming..Don't worry.. And when it happens, some acceptance that your A truly is over will make you feel relief, not sadness.
veryhappy Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 If your former soulmate is anything like mine, he'll contact you and show his true colors. Read my threads to see how mine showed his when I thought we were going to be oh so perfect together and he wanted me. That helps with killing the hope. I can't continue feeling the same for somebody who broke my trust, didn't care about me in the process and continues to disrespect me. It's too early to expect the feelings to be gone. Just be honest to yourself, and time will show you who he really is.
Author perfection walking Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Cutedrgn - I am shocked the hear life gets "back to normal' after one year, omg! The thought of being in this state despair for a year isnt comforting but I do appreciate your honesty. Seems I need to keep my arms and legs inside and keep riding the emotional roller coaster. Great. Kicking myself for giving MM everything in me and then some. I was convinced we were the exception, that we would make it no matter what. Had I held back even just a little I wouldnt be as emotionally invested and therefore not as heartbrkn today.
Tenacity Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I'll be honest -- it took me a lot longer than a year. But that was because I did not stick to NC and went back and forth, still believing the things he said (and yes, I heard the same ones - I was the only one for him; his soul mate; I was his heart; he only wanted to be with me... yadda yadda). It is very hard and painful. I am sorry for what you are going through. I know it very well. It WILL get better. My recommendation, based on past experience - don't give in. No matter how hard it seems, and no matter how good the immediate "fix" of being in contact is, you will eventually be back to Square One and have to start over. That's okay, but if you can be strong and not regress, this process will be shorter for you in the long run. Guarantee it.
veryhappy Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 You need to put it in perspective. It can be a year or it can be 5,20, a lifetime. You won't feel as intense for as long as you do as time goes by. At two weeks I was a huge crying spell. Now the violent sobbing is completely gone. I looked like somebody had died, now I just look a little bit tired, but more like myself. You just need to keep going, and time will help. Do not kick yourself for putting your whole heart into it. That's how women love generally. You thought it would be worth it, and it wasn't, but it's not about you. It's about him, and his inability to appreciate what he had. At least you are real and genuine. Why kick yourself for that?
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