eden_ca Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Back into dating after 12 years in a committed relationship. I'm feeling very out of it... and possibly needy(?). I met a guy (who lives in another part of the country) through an online dating website... we have been communicating through email, text and phone for a couple of months. We had our first date about a month and a half ago. Between that first date (which was very casual, no physical interaction just a nice walk and chat), and our second date we developed a pretty strong chemistry. So in a month, and by our second date, we felt a lot stronger about our feelings for each other. I'm really trying not to appear needy, lonely etc.... but being back in the dating scene (as a single mum) I'm feeling anxious - like not wanting to lose this connection with someone I'm really into. I like him a lot, and don't want to lose his attention. However, I know that being too available could turn things cold. Have been restraining from texting too much, and that sort of thing.... ANYWAY - our second date was HOT. We spent much of the time making out, and eventually hit the sack in a major way..... Now our phone chats are steamier but I'm worried that being too saucy and available will put me on a back burner with him... as far as he might not consider me 'relationship material'. I've been reading that men enjoy and need 'the chase', and I'm worried I'm being way too available. We won't see each other for another month... between now and then I want to tone things down a bit. Be less available... not obsess too much about this developing relationship. I guess it's just dawned on me that I slept with him way to quick - but really it's taken a couple of months for us, after getting to know each other... but second date! Ugh!!!! I feel like such an amateur!! I don't want to launch this relationship down the sex-street.... I want what we are developing to stay solid. It's been good so far... just don't want to have ruined it by getting raunchy on our second date and now feeling like everything we talk about has to revolve around sex. Advice or comments?! I appreciate all... thanks.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I think that coming from where you are, you will be in a particularly vulnerable and almost naive state. You've not been apart of the dating world or It's tricks, so to speak. Basically what something appears to be, may not be what it is, and that's mainly due to not being able to understand emotions and the relationship in any rational sense. Most women are still picking that up and trying to get a handle on it...I typically starts to come together in the late 20's and 30's being able to reflect on past experiences and seeing the outcome of those situations...being able to see what lasted and what was just short-lived. Judging from your interaction with this guy I doubt he didn't have an intention of leading you to this place with him, and you were just in need of the attention and validation...you're probably a bit insecure about a few things being out on the dating world, and that's a bit of a disadvantage for you because it leaves you vulnerable. However that's too much to explain and understand for now...the good thing is you got to somewhat know him over some decent period of time, so even though you slept with him on the second date you still invested a lot more time than a lot people get to know someone on average and then end up in bed with them. At the same time though, that's going to give you a false sense in the relationship department, you'll feel like you really developed and connected with this guy...but be aware, the chemistry didn't start till the second date, which means things still had to get rolling...that's not typically normal either, that seems a bit created IMO. You may not like me for saying this but I think this relationship or whatever it is will very likely be a bust...you're just not in the emotional state to be in check If I'm reading this right. This is going to be more of a rebound relationship, the first step to getting used to having these emotions and experiences again and it will likely make it a shotgun type experience of just over-the-top interest, the dust needs to settle before your man radar starts to work again...you'd be extremely lucky If this went anywhere IMO beyond casual/FWB type situation...the distance is also a factor, and since you have a child the stakes are a bit higher. You've kind of already fell into the sex trap, and it's going to become a mainly primal relationship...when push comes to shove though, I don't think he's going to take a stand on anything serious. This is just the general type of thing that happens in your situation and the overall demeanor/vibe I get from your scenario, you didn't say a lot about the guy but sometimes I know still the same because I know what women would be saying and how they would be talking had he really been interested and i don't see that in your post...this with limited information and what happens in the real world every day to people this is likely the scenario...you met some guy over the internet that seems like he's going to change your world but in the end he's just stringing you a long and looking for a bit of fun, and you buy it hook, line and sinker because you want to believe it was more than that...I don't know for sure, but from the looks of it based on little info, looks like where it may be going. So try not to be so hard on yourself and your "mistakes" likely you picked the wrong kind of guy without even knowing it from the get go, and that mainly has to do where you are at this point in time...when you're vulnerable the right guys can sniff that out and will smooth talk their way in. Just take it easy and have your eyes-wide, and don't do anything crazy and impulsive over your feelings, they're going to lead you down the wrong road and you will be very hurt If you're wrong about this...let him prove to you where he is at emotional and let him say to you what he wants with you and desire and shows it in actions before you take any leaps of faith.
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