ParadeRain Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 (edited) *Hope you will take a minute or 2 to read this... it's not boring and it's quick to get to the points, I promise, maybe even quite interesting I would imagine* I had my heart SEVERELY broken in June, I'm 20.. first love I *literally* hit ROCKBOTTOM* in terms of mind-state, this time 2 or 3 months ago I was so emotionally unstable I scared myself with my own thoughts. I dragged myself off the floor, got myself a new job, forced myself out of the front door to see friends, still a shadow of the lad I was before it happened, but trying... accepting that I have no other choice but to try to move on. it's what... 4 or 5 months later now... last week I seen her 2 times in 3 days for the first time in 4 months, I was just driving past her with my friend, we noticed each other... it happened twice in 3 days. That made me search her facebook, it made me start reading this forum again, it made me start thinking about her again. I quit my new job, I didn't like it and I'm considering other options... My friends are drug dealers and just "bad types" in the eyes of general people such as you reading this?.. Make no mistake I'm cut from exactly the same cloth as my friends... I just consider myself secretly brighter.. intelligent and made for a better life than that, waiting for my opportunity to get away from council estate Britain. I've had sex 3 times with 3 different girls since the break up, one night stands, no dating. I was moving forward, I was positive, I actually felt GOOD, I couldn't believe it. But since making eye contact with her briefly... I feel like I've taken 20 steps back, just to say... if she ever did come back, or make contact, I would 100% reject, I hate her guts, I am repulsed by the thought of her, but I was/am?/confused - in love with her, she was my first love... her situation seems to be "moved on"... it makes no difference to me... there's no chance of reconciliation EVER... she burnt me and I'll never play with that fire again regardless of whether it wants to be played with or not in the future, just NO, I would rather slip and fall in **** every day for the rest of my life. I'm finding myself coming to this site every day, reading every single thread, trying to relate every story to what I went through. My life was speeding down the runway ready to take off a matter of weeks ago, but it's like the pilot called a false takeoff and had turned the plane around.. now I'm waiting on the white line to take off again... Do I need a new girlfriend? I was thinking about trying another job (I don't want to get involved with my friends ways of making money)... I have an even stronger desire to just travel, to just get my passport, get on a plane and go... see the world, meet new people, experience life... Feel like I was made for something much better than I currently am. Edited October 20, 2012 by ParadeRain
Mint Sauce Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Hi there, 1) from the way you write, analyze your situation and your emotions, I'd say you are a bright lad indeed, and there won't be any need for you to resort to your friends way of earning an income. That said, it will still take time and effort to find your honorable way in life, especially when not born in an environment where a good path is pre-cut. Good luck with that, I'm confident you'll succeed! 2) I recognize the apparent setback when meeting your ex after a period of NC. You thought you were almost healed, and BAM, you seem to be back at square one. That's not the case though. Of course the confrontation with your ex brings back emotions, obsessive behaviour etc, but if you again put the effort into focussing on something else, you will move on quickly, and this time without the risk of setbacks when seeing your ex. I think it's a necessary step in the healing. Good luck! 1
Mint Sauce Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 ps: you are at the perfect age to do the traveling thing! If you fancy doing that, go for it! You can earn money along the way, working in bars (but stay clean) or whichever other opportunity arises. 1
Tree_Salmon Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I don't understand how the website is "pulling you down". You are in charge of your decisions and nobody else. Especially not the site. Move on if you've gotten what you need
Author ParadeRain Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 (edited) I don't understand how the website is "pulling you down". You are in charge of your decisions and nobody else. Especially not the site. Move on if you've gotten what you need Funny thing is... I like it here. My theory is, this site got me through the early stages, that's when I dragged myself up, kick started my life... and naturally forgot about this website. Since seeing her, I'm back... feeling it quite "full-on" once again. Mint sauce has put some light back into my spirit though... there's some good people on here.. including you tree, I like your posts. It's a great site to be on, but there's only so much it can help you, when you reach a certain stage you have to up and dive back into your life and forget about this site... This site is just full of stories which naturally make you wallow about your own, it's like a constant reminder, being here won't allow you to move on because the thing you're trying to move on from is the reason why you're on this site in the first place, similar to a catch 22.. at least that's how it is for me... it's like an aid to gather your emotions, before you cut lose from it and swim without armbands. It's strange really, I'm not "complaining", just writing what I feel like writing at the time. Edited October 20, 2012 by ParadeRain
Squidoo Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 You won't be back at square one for long, I had contact with my ex 2 days back for the first time in 6 weeks. I felt like I'd had a sucker punch when he told me he was seeing somebody, and I did a bit of obsessing in my head. But do you know what, that horrible feeling has passed already and I was surprised how quickly. Go traveling, now is the time for you to do it you're young and you've haven't got a job tying you down. You seem like a smart guy, go and experience life and what it has to offer. You'll come back a better person for it and you'll find that you feel indifferent about your ex by the time you get back
Mint Sauce Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 don't forget that you can move between subfora on this site :-) I spent about 3 months here in BU, but moving to "dating" now :-) hopefully in few years I can move up to "marriage" and in 10 years hopefully NOT to "cheating"
Under The Radar Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 don't forget that you can move between subfora on this site :-) I spent about 3 months here in BU, but moving to "dating" now :-) hopefully in few years I can move up to "marriage" and in 10 years hopefully NOT to "cheating" Same here. I lurked for a good six months after my last relationship in the breakup and coping sections. Now, I rotate through the different forums gaining perspective as I grow/heal. When I feel overwhelmed and sad sometimes I remove myself from the computer and do something else.
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