numberone Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 My ex has returned to me, time and time again. She broke up with me, saying she needed time. She's in her last time semester of college (Becoming a nurse.) This is also her first college experience, the first 3 year she was kept and didn't have great friends, now she is going out dancing and having fun. This break up happened on August 17th. After two weeks no contact she came back, miserable and lost. She wanted me back. I screwed up, and then we did another two weeks no contact. Then she came back again. This time i did everything right, but she realized she had too much feelings for me too soon again, and that she was afraid we would go through the same thing again. I was done fighting so I let go. I told her i want her to be free and when she comes back she can, because I love her and I only want to show her that I respect her and her time. I know she will come back again in time, but i dont know in what manner, (asking for another chance or not) but i know she misses me because I know her best ( she admitted it ) and that she feels lost without me all the time. She mentioned that I was her number one (the last time we made up) and told me how everytime she went out and met other guys she still wished it was me that she could be with at the end of the night. So in my position, if I still loved her, I dont know what precautions to take before taking her back ( if this does happen again) What would you guys do? Please help.
River Rain Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Wow, that's a lot of back and forth, unstable. You said you did everything right and she still walked away for the third(?) time. You seem to be her back-up guy, she might think of you as number one, but her actions don't really back that up. I would save myself further hurt and keep my distance. My ex did that three times with me and eventually I couldn't handle it anymore. I've moved on and if he ever were to come back, I'd tell him it was definitely over.
Author numberone Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 she is an unstable person, but i care for her as a bestfriend. When I let her go I told her if she were to come back, dont do it just because she misses me and if thats the case, she better go out of her ways to tell me not, by just a simple text or call. Some more background information about her: She has only had two boyfriends, me and her other ex. The other guy was depressive and suicidal, she only stayed with him because she didn't want to do anything stupid. And then there was me. She realized that in both cases (she admitted) she needed to learn to care about herself before she cared for others. She is not sound by herself, but knows in order for a relationship to work out, she needs to be sound and the other person too. But quite honestly I don't think she will ever be, shes that miserable about being alone and such. But I know for a fact she doesn't want a weak boyfriend, which is what i displayed. As desperate, and such. First time she came back, she saw me as not desperate but moving on and she realized it, so this time i have to display that im moving on and the stronger person. She won't be sound on her own, so it means if she does get in a relationship she will most likely need someone stronger than her, not dependent on her. I don't think she can help it, but if she came back, I want to take care of her. ONLY if she shows me through actions though. What should i look out for?
River Rain Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 What should i look out for? That's a difficult question to answer because it's so subjective! I think you have to decide what your idea of give and take is, and what, if anything you are willing to compromise to be in a relationship with her. It's never good to feel desperate though, so being stronger is always a good thing, for yourself mainly. For me, all the things you just wrote are things I would look out for...if a person isn't "sound" on their own for me is a big one. If someone depends on me for their happiness, it's too much for me because I'll always feel pressured, but again, that's just my own opinion.
ParadeRain Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I don't know what I would do if my ex came back... I definitely want her to... but I don't know why I want her to, I know that I would never take her back, I'm repulsed by her, I think she's a devil in disguise, damaged goods and a lost cause in life... but she's my first love... I guess if she came back to me it would cure the feeling of wanting what you can't have, infact I think if she came back that would be the final step I need to get over her completely, for her to call me after these 4 months of no contact and tell me she wants to talk, she misses me or thinks about me etc, I would use that as ego boost and show her where the door is. 1
a.b Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I would love for my ex to come back to me, so I could tell her to get stuffed. Then she might know how she made me feel for the past few weeks.
moveONorStay Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 If my ex came back I'd welcome her with open arms and do whatever it takes to work things out...if only she knew. Dont think she's ever coming back though, so I'll just have to move on. Lesson, don't dump someone prematurely!
Author numberone Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 Listen guys, and yes this may make me seem like a pushover, but i know i've got a good heart for thinking this way. Yes if she came back (most likely she will because she always does), I could slam the door on her, or use it as an ego boost. But it is really wrong for me to do that to her, especially when I was the person who became clingy, and irresponsible. All i cared was about the relationship, i dropped my priorities, dropped my friends, and at the end I don't have a life. This is what I am trying to build back up so I can be stronger and such. She used to see me as outgoing and very bold/strong, now she sees me as week, someone she could hurt just by living life when shes away from me. I know she still thinks about me a lot, and like I said after the last time she realized she couldn't like me because she liked me so much but it reminded her of what happened last time. I believe that it was too soon. I came back too soon and she didn't see a great change, not that i was independent like I should. IF she came back, I think its up to me on this one, she won't be the one changing so quick, I know its hard for her, thats why I care for her. I need her to realize that in this time i'm giving her space to respect her and such, but I only want another chance to show her that even though our problems were deep rooted, they can be solved and passed away. ____________________________________________________ really I have three options: -1. to be weak, and never get her back and risk not ever getting over her. -2. to be strong and become independent again, get my life back. -3. when she comes back in either state I am in, to be bitter. number 3 seems the most arbitrary. I think if she came back, and showed that she was willing to work it out one last time, and not give up on it so easily and runaway. Then I will take her back. Doesn't this seem okay?
ParadeRain Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Listen guys, and yes this may make me seem like a pushover, but i know i've got a good heart for thinking this way. Yes if she came back (most likely she will because she always does), I could slam the door on her, or use it as an ego boost. But it is really wrong for me to do that to her, especially when I was the person who became clingy, and irresponsible. All i cared was about the relationship, i dropped my priorities, dropped my friends, and at the end I don't have a life. This is what I am trying to build back up so I can be stronger and such. She used to see me as outgoing and very bold/strong, now she sees me as week, someone she could hurt just by living life when shes away from me. I know she still thinks about me a lot, and like I said after the last time she realized she couldn't like me because she liked me so much but it reminded her of what happened last time. I believe that it was too soon. I came back too soon and she didn't see a great change, not that i was independent like I should. IF she came back, I think its up to me on this one, she won't be the one changing so quick, I know its hard for her, thats why I care for her. I need her to realize that in this time i'm giving her space to respect her and such, but I only want another chance to show her that even though our problems were deep rooted, they can be solved and passed away. ____________________________________________________ really I have three options: -1. to be weak, and never get her back and risk not ever getting over her. -2. to be strong and become independent again, get my life back. -3. when she comes back in either state I am in, to be bitter. number 3 seems the most arbitrary. I think if she came back, and showed that she was willing to work it out one last time, and not give up on it so easily and runaway. Then I will take her back. Doesn't this seem okay? You can't think like that! Yeah you're right, that does make you seem like a pushover. We're Male, we've got to think like Males... don't sit there in disillusion about her sleeping alone at night just as sad as you are... because that is extremely unlikely... The reality is... when you're laying in bed at 1am... you should be considering... who is she F'ing? I wonder what position he has her in right now... oh god she's a dirty slut I hate her... haha he's kissing that mouth I've busted so many nuts in... I bet he won't make her cum like I did... oh god I bet she's loving it.. why is she doing this to me... well you're damaged goods now bitch... I would never take you back now. And THAT! is how it's done.
Author numberone Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 i'd like to think in a better manner than that. thats a girl i love, yeah of course she could be doing things with other guys, and if that the case, i'll let her be. i wouldnt ever do that to myself though and think that about her or put myself in that unstable state of mind to think that low of someone I used to care for.
ParadeRain Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 (edited) i'd like to think in a better manner than that. thats a girl i love, yeah of course she could be doing things with other guys, and if that the case, i'll let her be. i wouldnt ever do that to myself though and think that about her or put myself in that unstable state of mind to think that low of someone I used to care for. It's REALITY, love hurts, life is unfair, and sometimes things just *SUCK*.. including her Seriously mate, it may sound like I'm trolling you, but it's the TRUTH, trust me... Think the worst, grieve, heal, move on. If you're not insecure, paranoid, rattling your brain about her being bent over backwards right now by an italian stallion at this early stage... then you really are a MUG, because it is highly likely that is exactly what's happening... so if you think that way and put yourself at rock bottom... the only place you can go from that point on is UP! Women can, do and will hurt you like that, so EXPECT IT, fooling yourself into thinking otherwise is fake, false, embarrassing. She's out there right now... having guilty sex, which makes it feel so much dirtier.. much more back scratching, moaning, hairpulling, and the climax for this kind of sex is amazing... she's loving every second of it... You should be doing the same. WAKE UP! Edited October 20, 2012 by ParadeRain 1
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 i'd like to think in a better manner than that. thats a girl i love, yeah of course she could be doing things with other guys, and if that the case, i'll let her be. i wouldnt ever do that to myself though and think that about her or put myself in that unstable state of mind to think that low of someone I used to care for. PurpleRain makes some good points, actually all the points are good just harsh to hear I know. You MUST understand that SHE WILL HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE. This is almost a necessary step. Every ex I have had has slept with someone else, EVERY LAST ONE. Except your most recent ex, anyone here have an ex that DIDN'T sleep with someone? PR is right that you must envision her with other men, this has either happened or will happen. There is nothing you can do. If you fight this feeling and she comes back you will be consumed with jealousy and emotion of what happened. If she doesn't come back you will "believe" that she may come back. Almost like you believe that time stops after your relationship, she leaves you and sits in a dark room until you get over her. Unfortunately one day this fact will become all too clear to you, it is in the mail just waiting for delivery. When you find out you will be devastated/angry/confused. YOU WILL FIND OUT ONE DAY! Vividly picturing her with other people NOW will lessen the effects later when you have hard evidence. It will allow you to begin to move on, begin to heal. If she comes back you won't care as much, you had the emotional maturity to understand that "your ex will sleep with someone else". This is one of the most valuable things you can learn. It's almost a shortcut to getting over her. Source- Me! I forced myself very early to picture her with other men, almost to the point of vomiting. I did this for 4 days, by the 4th day it just didn't hurt as much anymore. Yesterday I got my hard evidence she was sleeping with someone else. Guess what it stung a little but I wasn't consumed with emotion. My body had already experienced those feelings, I had already been through this. Sure it was a slap in the face, but more of an ego hit. 1
a.b Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I wouldn't say going out and having guilty sex is necessarily the right way to go for everyone haha! But man your post made me laugh. Letting yourself hit rock bottom in theory sounds like a good idea as the only way is up, just make sure you are strong enough to make the climb back to the top!
suladas Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Why does everyone assume they are having sex with others? Ya if you've been broken up for years it's pretty obvious but everyone is different. I know for a fact my ex hasn't even been on a date. But really, if she wanted me back it would take a lot of talking to consider it. And her explaining why she did some things and if the answers were good, we'd talk and see if we could see things working out long term. In the end I don't know if I would, but i'd lean to yes. You have to know why you broke up in the first place and make sure that will never come up again, or there is no point in trying things again. Personally though, I would never take a ex back who dumped me and had sex with or even went on a date with someone else (if you're the dumpee it's different). I don't care how much I cared for or loved her, i'm not going to be anyones second choice. Breaking up and being alone to work and think about things is one thing and perfectly ok, but breaking up to date other people? I'd tell them to get f**ked.
sendme Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 okay... first of all if my ex knocked on my door right now, I would take him back... I would hesitate and feel instinctively that it was a bad call but he would be sexy and funny and I would take him back... So for what it's worth... here's my two cents... if she's having fun, for the first time in her adult life playing the bar scene and enjoying herself... she may want to know that she has you to come home to and be stable and to care for her, and she may want you because she knows you do genuinely love her, but it's going to take a while before the bar scene gets old... Almost everyone goes through that phase and it's a necessary phase of becoming an adult... if she comes back, I don't think you have to be mean to her, but I do think you should tell her no... she left you because she finds the party scene appealing and she wants to do it solo, that means that she'll come back, until the next time a great club or a great bar or a great concert or even a great house party happens and then she'll want to fly solo again. she can't have both the guy to come home to and the party girl single life, and for whatever reason, it's important to go through the party phase in life... so don't take her back, don't be mean or unkind, but tell her she needs to experience this phase of life for what it is single... and that what you want is a woman who wants to come home to you at night and put the majority of the party scene to the side... when she really really grows up and becomes that woman she might be a good fit for you, but for now you're at different points in the maturity process.
dreamstate83 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I would ask "What made you come back?" and "how will it be different this time?". She would have to do some pretty heavy convincing. 1
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Why does everyone assume they are having sex with others? Ya if you've been broken up for years it's pretty obvious but everyone is different. I know for a fact my ex hasn't even been on a date. There is no assumption. 99% of ex's have slept with someone else. The remaining 1% fall under 2 categories. 1.) It's been too short of time after the breakup. 2.) You marry them/currently back together, and therefore not your ex (still not 100% that they didn't sleep with someone during the split). So if they don't want to be with you now, how can you assume you'll end up in the 1% category?
suladas Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 There is no assumption. 99% of ex's have slept with someone else. The remaining 1% fall under 2 categories. 1.) It's been too short of time after the breakup. 2.) You marry them/currently back together, and therefore not your ex (still not 100% that they didn't sleep with someone during the split). So if they don't want to be with you now, how can you assume you'll end up in the 1% category? I know eventually it will happen if we don't get back together. I'm just saying it's wrong to assume they are going to jump into bed with someone else right away. It's been 3 months, so not exactly a really short time. I do know 100% that she hasn't been with anyone else actually. If you want to move on and forget them, sure assume they are with someone else. But for the most part, I guess I don't see the point.
ParadeRain Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I do know 100% that she hasn't been with anyone else actually. And how do you know this? The only way is to watch her every move... are you doing that? Please don't come with the "she wouldn't lie to me", or "she's not like that", "I just know she wouldn't do it"... Because that's BULL****, and to believe that makes you weak, it makes you look like a fool, it is embarrassing for you. You're sending her heartbroken text messages.. the reason she doesn't reply until the next morning is because on the night you sent them she was too busy to read them while she was being thrown around the bedroom of a lucky guy gettin some.
suladas Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 And how do you know this? The only way is to watch her every move... are you doing that? Please don't come with the "she wouldn't lie to me", or "she's not like that", "I just know she wouldn't do it"... Because that's BULL****, and to believe that makes you weak, it makes you look like a fool, it is embarrassing for you. You're sending her heartbroken text messages.. the reason she doesn't reply until the next morning is because on the night you sent them she was too busy to read them while she was being thrown around the bedroom of a lucky guy gettin some. First off, I know because I live next door to her and it's pretty easy to tell she hasn't been on a date even, or had some random at her place. Second, I haven't sent her one heartbroken text. Like I said, don't be mad at others because you know your ex is with someone else......
ParadeRain Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 (edited) Like I said, don't be mad at others because you know your ex is with someone else...... But since making eye contact with her briefly... I feel like I've taken 20 steps back, but just to say... if she ever did come back, or make contact, I would 100% reject, I hate her guts, I am repulsed by the thought of her, but I was/am?/confused - in love with her, she was my first love... her situation seems to be "moved on"... it makes no difference to me... there's no chance of reconciliation EVER... she burnt me and I'll never play with that fire again regardless of whether it wants to be played with or not in the future, just NO, I would rather slip and fall in **** every day for the rest of my life. So to be honest... I don't care even if she is. But I'm not the one in denial that my ex probably is getting sex'd up by other guys... Edited October 20, 2012 by ParadeRain
todreaminblue Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 My ex has returned to me, time and time again. She broke up with me, saying she needed time. She's in her last time semester of college (Becoming a nurse.) This is also her first college experience, the first 3 year she was kept and didn't have great friends, now she is going out dancing and having fun. This break up happened on August 17th. After two weeks no contact she came back, miserable and lost. She wanted me back. I screwed up, and then we did another two weeks no contact. Then she came back again. This time i did everything right, but she realized she had too much feelings for me too soon again, and that she was afraid we would go through the same thing again. I was done fighting so I let go. I told her i want her to be free and when she comes back she can, because I love her and I only want to show her that I respect her and her time. I know she will come back again in time, but i dont know in what manner, (asking for another chance or not) but i know she misses me because I know her best ( she admitted it ) and that she feels lost without me all the time. She mentioned that I was her number one (the last time we made up) and told me how everytime she went out and met other guys she still wished it was me that she could be with at the end of the night. So in my position, if I still loved her, I dont know what precautions to take before taking her back ( if this does happen again) What would you guys do? Please help.[/quote/] it doesnt matter how many times an ex says i ****ed up its my fault wish i hadnt....it doesnt change the fact its a cycle you have to break it....and it hurts......doesnt matter how many times you take them back or return to them the cycle will repeat itself leaving you in the same place you have been many times before....break the cyclic turmoil do it quick and make the cut a complete sever.......groundhog day was a cool movie.....have a passion for groundhogs.......they remind me of wombats.....but living groundhog day is exhausting.......make the cut......good luck and best wishes.....deb
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 First off, I know because I live next door to her and it's pretty easy to tell she hasn't been on a date even, or had some random at her place. Second, I haven't sent her one heartbroken text. Like I said, don't be mad at others because you know your ex is with someone else...... This doesn't need to get out of hand. I'll we are saying is one day, more likely than not, your ex will sleep with someone. You can minimize the impact now, begin to take the emotion out of it now. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Ex's are ex's for a reason, you chose how the rest of the story ends. Your life is in your hands now, either hang on or begin letting go. Per my signature "do whatever the f*ck you wanna do!"
suladas Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 This doesn't need to get out of hand. I'll we are saying is one day, more likely than not, your ex will sleep with someone. You can minimize the impact now, begin to take the emotion out of it now. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Ex's are ex's for a reason, you chose how the rest of the story ends. Your life is in your hands now, either hang on or begin letting go. Per my signature "do whatever the f*ck you wanna do!" I have let go, i've been on dates, and I go out with friends more now then ever. Actually meeting a girl I met last weekend at the bar again. If I seen her with a guy it wouldn't even phase me. Well, it would mean i'd never talk to her again for being a liar but I wouldn't care. But it doesn't change reality in that I know she is not having sex with anyone else right now.
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 If my ex came back I would be so beyond thankful
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