I have a second chance, but I feel like it's going nowhere.

[livelife]

I've been on here before, the story with my ex is so long. Basically, we broke up for a STUPID reason in June over a stupid fight and I tried to take it back immediately but he was so hurt. We kept seeing each other and I tried my hardest to get him back and just, maybe two months ago we actually started dating again. Nothing official no title but hanging out a lot and things were a lot better. I have trust issues and i've had my reasons but thats besides the point. I didn't trust him, if he would tell me something I would double check with other people to see if he was telling the truth- it was that bad. When I would get upset I would blow up rather than being calm and waiting to talk to him about it. All of this factored in and he told me he wanted a break. This was about 2 and a half weeks ago. He told me he wanted me to be that person he spent the rest of his life with but that these were deal breakers. About 2 weeks into the break I told him I was ready to talk. I asked him what was going on, I said I didnt want to get led on or hurt and he told me what its going to take to have a title to us, which would be to change these things. He told me he has a social life, so he is going to be hanging out with people, but that he isn't going to be dating, and once he sees these changes he will put a label on us. We didn't talk for two days and I decided to text him to kinda clear everything up. He called me last night and we talked.

 

I told him I wasn't a needy or clingy person, I just wanted answers sometimes. He understood. I told him that if someone wanted to be with someone, its that simple. He said that it wasn't, because yes he wants to be with me but does he think it would work? No, because those things he wants me to fix are deal breakers. I told him well, I do think I have gotten a hold of myself. But I do need communication on his side. He told me he understood and would work on that.

 

But where I come to ask you guys, like I am in love with this guy. He knows I am. I just don't know what to do or where to go with this. Yes I have to understand I need to be more calm and I plan on showing him i've changed, but honestly like how do I go about doing this and do you think he will commit to me?

 

Thanks!

[River Rain]

I have some "devil's advocate" questions for you....if you wanted to change, why didn't you do that back in June, or when you two started to date again? I guess my point is that people don't change for others, they may want to, but it's rare. You have to change for you. And he needs to be more communicative, is he? Do you all of a sudden trust him now just because he's given you deal-breakers, or will your trust still be waning if you two manage to resolve things?

 

I think that if he believed that you will change, he would have already committed to you, knowing that he could trust that you will change.

 

Do you see what I mean? I know you're in love, but can you see all the red flags?

[livelife]

because back in June I didn't know what were deal breakers and I didnt know I had things to change. He just recently found this when we started actually dating again. This was probably beginning of September. So it had been that long since the breakup that we were just still in contact.

[Bobibble]

Having been in this situation before and having major trust issues, I will tell you that I actually don't agree with everything the people above have said. I do agree that you have to want to change for yourself, not for him, but when you said that you didn't realize those were deal breakers and you didn't realize you behaving that way was so greatly effecting your relationship, I understand where you're coming from because I was like that.

 

Imagine putting your boyfriend through over 6 months of constant doubting and not trusting him for absolutely no reason whatsoever. After awhile, not only do you make him feel like he can't do anything right, he will start to think that you can never trust him especially when he has done nothing wrong. When we took our break, although it only lasted for a couple of weeks, I learned so much about myself in those two weeks of NC with him.

 

What I learned, and what I think you can only learn if you truly go NC with him for a few weeks is that if I don't fix this about myself now, whether it be with my current bf or any future bf's I will never have a healthy relationship and will eventually make myself sick and will go crazy. I told myself that if something happens, it was not under my control. YOU HAVE TO LOOSEN UP.

 

After NC for a couple of weeks, and my bf came back and said he missed me and drove to my house to go on a walk and work things out, he told me how it made him feel doing that to him for so long. You, in a sense, de-man a man by not trusting him and it really psychologically gets to him. Since then, I have loosened up a great deal and our relationship has really greatly improved. We rarely ever fight, and just last night went to his cousins wedding together and were told that we finally looked like our loving selves.

 

Be you. Don't let your insecurities get the better of you. If he cheats on you, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT and you WILL find someone who won't cheat on you. But you can't live constantly watching his every move to save yourself from the hurt, you won't allow yourself to enjoy the relationship.

 

My advice: keep NC for a bit, focus on yourself, decide to make these changes for yourself first, then for your relationship, and loosen up. See a therapist if you think that will help you, it certainly has helped me a great deal. And if he doesn't come back after the NC, oh well! You helped yourself and your future relationship with whoever you will be with.

 

 

Edit: reading back now on what you wrote about you saying if you want to be with someone it's that simple and he didn't agree: my bf and I had the EXACT same conversation right before our break and I said the EXACT same thing you did and my bf responded the EXACT same way your bf did. He wants to be with you, but if you can't trust him, he can't be with someone who is watching his every move to see what he is doing because she can't trust him. You said you aren't a needy or clingy person, but that behavior is the behavior of a clingy and needy person. Trust me, I was in your exact position...recently I had my bf say something to me that made it seem like he didn't trust me and I automatically got offended "how could he not trust me, he actually thinks I would lie to him?" and the moment I said that, I realized what I had put him through for so long. His was a joke, my 6 months of doing that was serious. Think about that.

Edited October 21, 2012 by Bobibble

[livelife]

Having been in this situation before and having major trust issues, I will tell you that I actually don't agree with everything the people above have said. I do agree that you have to want to change for yourself, not for him, but when you said that you didn't realize those were deal breakers and you didn't realize you behaving that way was so greatly effecting your relationship, I understand where you're coming from because I was like that.

 

Imagine putting your boyfriend through over 6 months of constant doubting and not trusting him for absolutely no reason whatsoever. After awhile, not only do you make him feel like he can't do anything right, he will start to think that you can never trust him especially when he has done nothing wrong. When we took our break, although it only lasted for a couple of weeks, I learned so much about myself in those two weeks of NC with him.

 

What I learned, and what I think you can only learn if you truly go NC with him for a few weeks is that if I don't fix this about myself now, whether it be with my current bf or any future bf's I will never have a healthy relationship and will eventually make myself sick and will go crazy. I told myself that if something happens, it was not under my control. YOU HAVE TO LOOSEN UP.

 

After NC for a couple of weeks, and my bf came back and said he missed me and drove to my house to go on a walk and work things out, he told me how it made him feel doing that to him for so long. You, in a sense, de-man a man by not trusting him and it really psychologically gets to him. Since then, I have loosened up a great deal and our relationship has really greatly improved. We rarely ever fight, and just last night went to his cousins wedding together and were told that we finally looked like our loving selves.

 

Be you. Don't let your insecurities get the better of you. If he cheats on you, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT and you WILL find someone who won't cheat on you. But you can't live constantly watching his every move to save yourself from the hurt, you won't allow yourself to enjoy the relationship.

 

My advice: keep NC for a bit, focus on yourself, decide to make these changes for yourself first, then for your relationship, and loosen up. See a therapist if you think that will help you, it certainly has helped me a great deal. And if he doesn't come back after the NC, oh well! You helped yourself and your future relationship with whoever you will be with.

 

 

Edit: reading back now on what you wrote about you saying if you want to be with someone it's that simple and he didn't agree: my bf and I had the EXACT same conversation right before our break and I said the EXACT same thing you did and my bf responded the EXACT same way your bf did. He wants to be with you, but if you can't trust him, he can't be with someone who is watching his every move to see what he is doing because she can't trust him. You said you aren't a needy or clingy person, but that behavior is the behavior of a clingy and needy person. Trust me, I was in your exact position...recently I had my bf say something to me that made it seem like he didn't trust me and I automatically got offended "how could he not trust me, he actually thinks I would lie to him?" and the moment I said that, I realized what I had put him through for so long. His was a joke, my 6 months of doing that was serious. Think about that.

 

 

 

 

 

I appreciate this comment SO much. It really made me happy. I will save this message to re read when I start to doubt myself and get upset. I really do want to be with him, so I will do what it takes. We had a break for 2 weeks. My mom got engaged and a couple days of NC he texted me. I ignored his text and then he texted me 3 other times. I sent him picture of my moms ring and went on with my day. He then saw me driving and texted me "thanks for the cold shoulder" it was then that I drove back up next to him and said I wanted to talk. I asked him what was going on, I was still confused, then we went back to NC. About a week and a half later of NC is when we met up and I told him that I understood I had things to change, but he had to communitcate with me as well. He said he understood and he realizes that he isn't perfect and understands that I might have something I want him to work on himself. Last night unfortunately, we hung out, got icecream, cooked dinner and watched a football game. I slept over, nothing happened. This morning, however, we did stuff and when I got home I felt very very guilty. I called him and said it was my fault, I shouldn't have done it and I still want to hang out with him and see him, but until things between us go somewhere, that I can't sleep with him because it hurts me. he said he completely understood

 

So now I guess I wait and see how he takes this, if he still talks to me/asks me to hang out? I really do appreciate your comment though. Made me feel a lot better.

[Bobibble]

I appreciate this comment SO much. It really made me happy. I will save this message to re read when I start to doubt myself and get upset. I really do want to be with him, so I will do what it takes. We had a break for 2 weeks. My mom got engaged and a couple days of NC he texted me. I ignored his text and then he texted me 3 other times. I sent him picture of my moms ring and went on with my day. He then saw me driving and texted me "thanks for the cold shoulder" it was then that I drove back up next to him and said I wanted to talk. I asked him what was going on, I was still confused, then we went back to NC. About a week and a half later of NC is when we met up and I told him that I understood I had things to change, but he had to communitcate with me as well. He said he understood and he realizes that he isn't perfect and understands that I might have something I want him to work on himself. Last night unfortunately, we hung out, got icecream, cooked dinner and watched a football game. I slept over, nothing happened. This morning, however, we did stuff and when I got home I felt very very guilty. I called him and said it was my fault, I shouldn't have done it and I still want to hang out with him and see him, but until things between us go somewhere, that I can't sleep with him because it hurts me. he said he completely understood

 

So now I guess I wait and see how he takes this, if he still talks to me/asks me to hang out? I really do appreciate your comment though. Made me feel a lot better.

 

See, in our situation, my friends told me our break was imminent a couple of months before it happened, and both of us knew it as well but didn't want to take it for the sake of losing each other. So we kept putting it off until things boiled over and we basically had to either take the break or permanently break up because things weren't getting better on there own. We told each other no communication and no seeing each other for the full break and I went a week without saying anything until I caved in and called him. When we spoke on the phone I knew he was nowhere near ready to speak to me and I knew I made a big mistake calling and it actually took me back to square one emotionally: I went from being okay back to being a nervous wreck. So I told myself "do not communicate with him until he says something first. Give it time or things will NOT get better."

 

He went on a long weekend camping trip with his family where there was no way for him to communicate with anyone anyways unless they went into the town nearby, and the day they came back home he texted me and came over.

 

My advice to you: Tell him you want to take a legitimate break with no communication whatsoever until you both clear your heads and see where you stand. You cannot clear your heads until you have zero communication. And then you wait for him to tell you he wants to work things out and he apologizes for what he did on his end. When things go wrong in a relationship, it's not a one way street.

[livelife]

So, then what do I do now that we're past the break and have seen eAchother multiple times now? He texted me goodnight last night, after I called him and said no hooking up. He's actually sleeping over right now and hasn't touched me.

[Bobibble]

So, then what do I do now that we're past the break and have seen eAchother multiple times now? He texted me goodnight last night, after I called him and said no hooking up. He's actually sleeping over right now and hasn't touched me.

 

Have you spoken about where you stand in a relationship? If you have, he could just be trying to take things slow and see if you have made any changes. I would then try to stop implying what his intentions should be and what yours should be and just go where the relationship takes you. I feel like you're trying to control how the relationship is going based on what you think is best, which is in all reality a way for you to save yourself from the hurt because it's under your control (I did this too and still somewhat do).

 

Let the relationship flow and develop on its own. So at this point I would say let go.

[livelife]

Heres an update: I heard last night he was talking to another girl.

I asked him to come over ( why he was over last night) and I asked him about it. One thing he wanted me to change was to not blow up and ask him before making any assumptions, so I asked him calmly.

He told me it was not true( unsure about this becaues it was from a VERY reliable source) that he didnt have time. Maybe he is just a flirt.

He hates when I put things onto him whether we work out or not, but I had to give him the ultimatium.

When he left, I texted him probably about an hour ago, I said "first I hope you've seen some change in me such as last night I didnt blow up I simply asked you about what ive heard." Then I said " So ive really tried my hardest to be this whole, being friends but not being anything kinda thing, and I didnt realize it would be this hard on me with the feelings I have for you. At this point, I'm willing to wait on you and I want to, but it hurst me so I either need to be all in or all out with you."

 

Then i realized he hates it when i put it all on him, so I backed it up with " and I don't mean to put it all on you whether we work out or not, but ive said what I want and I know youve said what you want too, its just either we need to be committed to eachoher and trust eachother and trust me that ive changed or we need to be nothing. I hope you understand."

 

And i'm waiting for a reply.

What do you think about this? I usually would have just let it be but I have heard numerous times he talks to other girls so I had to say something. I hope I did this in an appropriate manner that he will be understandable to.

[lemonlime]

Usually for true change to happen, it means being apart for a few months and really looking at yourself. I'm sure he knows theres no way anything has really changed in two weeks. Especially when your sending him texts like that.

[Bobibble]

Heres an update: I heard last night he was talking to another girl.

I asked him to come over ( why he was over last night) and I asked him about it. One thing he wanted me to change was to not blow up and ask him before making any assumptions, so I asked him calmly.

He told me it was not true( unsure about this becaues it was from a VERY reliable source) that he didnt have time. Maybe he is just a flirt.

He hates when I put things onto him whether we work out or not, but I had to give him the ultimatium.

When he left, I texted him probably about an hour ago, I said "first I hope you've seen some change in me such as last night I didnt blow up I simply asked you about what ive heard." Then I said " So ive really tried my hardest to be this whole, being friends but not being anything kinda thing, and I didnt realize it would be this hard on me with the feelings I have for you. At this point, I'm willing to wait on you and I want to, but it hurst me so I either need to be all in or all out with you."

 

Then i realized he hates it when i put it all on him, so I backed it up with " and I don't mean to put it all on you whether we work out or not, but ive said what I want and I know youve said what you want too, its just either we need to be committed to eachoher and trust eachother and trust me that ive changed or we need to be nothing. I hope you understand."

 

And i'm waiting for a reply.

What do you think about this? I usually would have just let it be but I have heard numerous times he talks to other girls so I had to say something. I hope I did this in an appropriate manner that he will be understandable to.

 

I think you really made it too long. You should have come out and said you heard he's speaking to other girls and to tell you the truth. Even if he said no, you should have said "honestly, I just have a lot to think about at this point" and not respond to his text messages until the next day. You are basically giving him the upperhand in the relationship right now and the ball is in his court: the ball should be in your court, you need to call the shots. Move the ball to your court and make him chase you.

 

In all reality, if he doesn't chase you, drop him.

[livelife]

Last night when he was sleeping over we heard that a school in our state had a shooting. I have a guy friend that goes to school there so I said I was going to make sure he was okay. He texted me around 3 am saying he was and said what happened. I responded "glad youre okay!" All my ex saw was this guys name on my phone. He didnt say anything until tonight, when he responded to my text.

He accused me of being involved with someone (trying to put the blame on me..?) and said I was texting someone. It was one text, and it was 3 am. I truthfully dont even remmeber sending it until I went to look and I told him I had texted a girl friend but that was it. He told me the name he saw and I explained the situation. He started dwelling on the fact that he had to call me out on it to get the truth, but I explained that it was one small text that i didnt even think about because it meant nothing to me. I told him I udnerstod why he was upset and that I apologize. I asked him what he was leaning towards with a decision and he decided to not respond.

 

I then got angry. I haven't done anything. I've been nothing but completely LOYAL to this guy even though we aren't together. I try everything he asks me to do and its never right. I decided to text him and say basically think what you want. I would never do anything to disrespect you. I said either you want to be with me and work on things or you don't. Unless you tell me otherwise, I think I have my answer. Im going to bed.

 

And ended it on that. I'm so frustrated. THis is it, like I said, unless he chases me to get me back, i'm gone. He let me go. He pushed me away.

[Bobibble]

Last night when he was sleeping over we heard that a school in our state had a shooting. I have a guy friend that goes to school there so I said I was going to make sure he was okay. He texted me around 3 am saying he was and said what happened. I responded "glad youre okay!" All my ex saw was this guys name on my phone. He didnt say anything until tonight, when he responded to my text.

He accused me of being involved with someone (trying to put the blame on me..?) and said I was texting someone. It was one text, and it was 3 am. I truthfully dont even remmeber sending it until I went to look and I told him I had texted a girl friend but that was it. He told me the name he saw and I explained the situation. He started dwelling on the fact that he had to call me out on it to get the truth, but I explained that it was one small text that i didnt even think about because it meant nothing to me. I told him I udnerstod why he was upset and that I apologize. I asked him what he was leaning towards with a decision and he decided to not respond.

 

I then got angry. I haven't done anything. I've been nothing but completely LOYAL to this guy even though we aren't together. I try everything he asks me to do and its never right. I decided to text him and say basically think what you want. I would never do anything to disrespect you. I said either you want to be with me and work on things or you don't. Unless you tell me otherwise, I think I have my answer. Im going to bed.

 

And ended it on that. I'm so frustrated. THis is it, like I said, unless he chases me to get me back, i'm gone. He let me go. He pushed me away.

 

He is pushing the blame on you. Big red flag. If I were you, I would begin to move on and see other people. If it's meant to be, it will work out but as of right now, his heart is not in the relationship and therefore you shouldn't dwell on it any longer.