danny8630 Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 My ex and I had agreed to be friends after our break up. I was wrong about the whole situation and when she meant friends she means she just wants to be herself basically. She fed me all up with bull**** stuff like saying "yea we'll hang out A LOT and we'll talk all the time." BS. I havent heard from her in two weeks. And every time she does call or I get a missed IM , my stomach turns inside-out, then it weighs like lead. The bottom line is, I WANT to tell her to not talk to me for a while. It will be a shocker for her because she thinks im cool with us being friends and stuff...but im not, i hate it. She will probably be confused on why I came out with it now and not before... I guess what im asking is should i do it and HOW should it be executed? will it cause me not to worry about things daily? Many said I should've told her not to talk to me weeks ago...Help anyone?
TrueSmiles12 Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 ooh, i can totally relate to you here.. and as you can tell already, this situation sucks, doesn't it? let's see -- my ex and i also agreed to be friends after our break up. it's obviously not easy to just jump right into a friendship with someone that you still have very strong feelings for. but you still want to savor any kind of relationship with that person.. at least thats how i feel/felt.. i hear from my ex randomly (see my previous posts if you're interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t43786/ & http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t44054/).. and each time i do i get that same weird feeling in my stomach. anyways, the best thing that we can do for ourselves is to back away from the situation, to move on the best way possible -- no contact w/ the ex. we have been broken up for a month or so. and i obviously want to talk to him more than anything, i want him in my life --- but now is just not the right time. in my most recent post, i tell you of how i went about telling him not to talk to me and it's been 2 days since he's contacted me. i obviously have mixed feelings about this (read the post to see). but let's see what advice i can give you.. it's not too late to tell her that you don't want her to talk to you.. like i said, i just did it 2 days ago after a month of being broken up. don't worry about what she'll think, put your needs first. she can't expect you to be her friend when you may still want something more. she should be able to respect how you feel as well. and time can only tell what will happen, as far as a friendship or more between you two later on. there are so many posts on here about no contact and i have probably read most of them, but u can only believe what you experience from it. no contact is surely not a game, and it is totally all about what it does for YOU, no one else. i can say that by telling him not to talk to me, a part of me regrets it of course, but i know that it is best for me, that it can only move me forward. it makes him non-existent in a sense. i still worry about where he is, what he's doing, etc. but it, along with time, just makes it easier to go about my day, knowing that i have the strength not to contact him and that unless he comes around for a second chance, that he won't contact me. bottom line -- no, it's not too late, but figure out what u want to say to her first, and tell her the best way you two communicate (phone, e-mail, etc.), if she wants a friendship with you, then it shouldn't matter if that is now or later. look out for YOUR best interest.
Author danny8630 Posted July 30, 2004 Author Posted July 30, 2004 wow, thank you for that detailed response. I really appreciate it and you're 100% right about everything. Its funny though because we also broke up a little more than a month ago--strage . I have been thinking about how I want to tell her. I'm thinking about strictly leaving a message on her machine because if i talked to her in person/phone about it, things would just get worse. Like you said, i also think about what shes doing...who she with...etc and it bothers me, it brings me down. Today, i took her off my buddy list on my AIM to proceed forgetting about her. I didnt mention it previously, but when she contacts me, i become grim and quiet and...i just feel abused almost. I could have a wonderful, exciting day and when i see that missed call on my phone...rain clouds come over and it becomes windy(not literally, but use your imagination). I'm going to tell her soon because it brings me down when she contacts me. I was thinking about just leaving a message saying something like : "It's danny, this has been bothering me and I've been thinking about this for a long time and...well, I'm asking you not to contact me in any way for a while. I've thought about it and I cannot handle being a 'friend' after my feelings for you. Good-bye." Thats just a rough draft. I'm also not good at these breakup things
dreamguy Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 If you cannot be her friend because you still have feelings for her then do the following: call her and tell her "listen, I don't think we can be friends anymore because I still have feelings for you and friendship is just not possible. I'm moving on with my life so good luck with yours". And hang up. Do NOT stay on the line after you tell her that. If she has something to say, fine... hear her out then end the conversation. You should not call her after you tell her this. Only do the above once ! Don't repeat this at all or it will lose all its credibility. Good luck.
Author danny8630 Posted July 30, 2004 Author Posted July 30, 2004 Well i dont want to be an a**h*** saying something like "good luck with your life" lol. We live in a rather small town and odds are we'll see each other. so i was thinking something more civilized would do the job...i dont want to scare her off--then she'll really never talk to me. Right now, I have numb feelings toward everything. She also felt this way a few months back. I didnt understand what she meant by it but now i do. It's so bad that if a decent looking girl threw herself at me...i wouldnt think much of it. I dont know what to do, NC is the way out -------->
dreamguy Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 Having a numb feeling is ok, it means you're probably getting over it and you're starting to heal. You see, the thing is you're scared to lose your feelings for her. You're thinking: No way ! How can something so strong go away ! We all feel this way when we start to heal. It's like we pray that the pain goes away soon but when it happens we hold on to it, we refuse to let it go, we feel guilty for having stopped to love someone or loving them less than we used to. Time washes away all the suffering Danny. Even the worst ones. My ex broke up with me 2+ months ago and I can tell you I'm not suffering as much as before. I'm ok and I seldom catch myself thinking of something else. She's not always on my mind anymore. Do you know why ? Because I put a closure to it all by asking her to cut all contact with me 2 weeks ago. This is when I actually began to heal. I had been in limbo before, wavering between chasing her and letting go. If you both live in a small town and you don't want to sound like an a**h*** or scare her away then your best bet is to just stop calling her. Don't tell her anything, just gradually distance yourself. One of two things will happen: a) you will heal and move on. b) she will come around. Both are positive outcomes.
Author danny8630 Posted July 31, 2004 Author Posted July 31, 2004 well, i think it is 100% choice A. I won't even say .1% chance of her coming back around. It sucks dude, it definately does but it has to come to an end sooner or later. What will instantly fix me is getting with a girl equally as hot or hotter. You're right about praying for it to go away and when it does you hang on. I made a self commitment not to call her for anything over a month ago. It has helped tremendously. I turn my phone off during the day that way i dont check my phone to see if i have any missed calls. I recently took her off my buddy list because that was the only lasting communication bridge between us. One of my main concerns is How to tell her to basically to make me back into a stranger without destroying my foundation that i had built.
dreamguy Posted August 1, 2004 Posted August 1, 2004 One of my main concerns is How to tell her to basically to make me back into a stranger without destroying my foundation that i had built. Danny, somethings are better left unsaid. Just drift along as time passes by and move on with your life. You don't owe her any explanation whatsoever. She is the one who left you. Even though your heart might be in pain your conscience should be at ease. Don't worry; when you gradually distance yourself as I said in a previous reply then she'll get the picture.
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