sendme Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 ok so first off my ex was an abusive jerk who cheated on me... but that doesn't mean I don't love him... in fact I love him deeply... I can say that perhaps being out of this relationship will be one of the best things ever for me, and yet I still have hope that he'll change back to the sweet man he was when we started dating... probably won't happen, but that hope is still there... Because that hope is still there... I wonder what if he's sitting in his house... 150yards away from mine... doing exactly what I'm doing... wishing it was me with him... what if it's just stubbornness keeping us apart... What if... what if... what if... I have a very dear friend who always tells me we don't do what ifs'.... what if's paralyze us... we follow our hearts and we make decisions, but we don't do what ifs'.... but tonight... I want to go see him... I want to get dressed and look pretty and show up and have him say all the wonderful things he says that makes me feel great... its amazing how someone who could abuse me and make me feel so terribly could also make me feel amazing.... I feel my resolve weakening every minute... I've already ran 7.5 miles today so I can't work out again... I'm just not sure what to do with all these what ifs'... and with him just right there... right next door...
Calico Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 ok so first off my ex was an abusive jerk who cheated on me... See the above for the reason why it shouldn't matter what he thinks or wants, and why it should matter to you to not go and see him. 7
mishy Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 (edited) it must be really hard having him live so close. You have to come back to bare facts. He abused you and cheated on you. I really don't believe people change, especially when it comes to abuse and cheating. Past behaviour is a reliable predictor of future behaviour So getting all dressed up and going over, well you are just serving yourself up for more crap. It might make the loneliness go for an hour or 2, but really, why go back to it???? And yeah i agree, i think he probably is thinking the same thing. he's thinking "gee, maybe tonight she'll start feeling lonely and come over so i can have sex with her. Boy I'm horny" Don't do it. Edited October 20, 2012 by mishy 2
JustALittleBit Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I have been following your threads a bit sendme, and I REALLY HOPE you will have the resolve to stay away from him. If you were like a remote controlled car, I would just steer you in the complete other direction but I know that unfortunately I can't control you. Hypothetically, do you ever look at the Chris Brown/Rihanna relationship? Personally every time Rihanna goes back all I can think is OMG. She's ridiculously talented, hot, wealthy... and yet she goes back and feels sorry for a guy that abused her. You might think "I am not ridiculously talented, hot, wealthy", but surely you can see how complete insane it is and such a waste for Rihanna to be doing that... and that is what people see when they look at you. We see that it is such a waste, and we feel bad because we can't control you and just get you to realise that that guy is a piece of ***** and you deserve WAY better. It will take time for you to realise this, and I imagine having him next door is going to make it harder. Can you move? Start a new life in another neighbourhood? The only other thing I can pick up on is that you spend a lot of time posting here, and going for runs to get it out of you, but you are a lady and us ladies talk... who are you talking to? Where are your friends? If you don't have a strong support base around you then start building it - get out there. Running and exercise is great, but what other hobbies do you have? As you've said, you're too tired now to go for a run and now your resolve is waning. I'd suggest going out to see a friend, but if you can't or neglected them while you were in the relationship or whatever, then you need to start joining things, meeting people etc. Start looking tonight to join a book club, do an art class, there are so many things you can do. If you don't start moving on with your life and actively taking control and pushing in the direction you would like to go (get some aims), then you're going to keep being pulled back to him and at some point you will be so weak that you'll go back to him, it'll be great for what, a week? And he'll start cheating. You'll be codependent, and in being in that relationship you will never develop yourself either. Once again just to reiterate, that guy is a piece of **** AND YOU DESERVE BETTER. Other people have been in your situation, be a role model for all the other girls that will end up there too and take charge or yourself and the situation. Make yourself PROUD of you. 1
mishy Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 is THIS what you want to go back to? (taken from your other thread) "a month or so goes by and the ex starts calling me, we talk, over the winter break I go see him, the current boyfriend finds out we're talking but doesn't know I went to see the ex. At the time the current boyfriend finds out we're talking and he starts becoming an insecure controlling jerk. He insults me, puts me down... he's emotionally and physically abusive he uses sex as a weapon saying things like, "if you don't have sex with me right now I'll know your talking to your ex and break up with you..." the current boyfriend has even said things to me like, I know exactly how to control you, if I don't want you to leave the house I'll just make you feel so insecure you won't go out for a week." Really?
Sugarkane Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I'd seriously think about moving. Change your phone number, everything.
Author sendme Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 I have been following your threads a bit sendme, and I REALLY HOPE you will have the resolve to stay away from him. If you were like a remote controlled car, I would just steer you in the complete other direction but I know that unfortunately I can't control you. Hypothetically, do you ever look at the Chris Brown/Rihanna relationship? Personally every time Rihanna goes back all I can think is OMG. She's ridiculously talented, hot, wealthy... and yet she goes back and feels sorry for a guy that abused her. You might think "I am not ridiculously talented, hot, wealthy", but surely you can see how complete insane it is and such a waste for Rihanna to be doing that... and that is what people see when they look at you. We see that it is such a waste, and we feel bad because we can't control you and just get you to realise that that guy is a piece of ***** and you deserve WAY better. It will take time for you to realise this, and I imagine having him next door is going to make it harder. Can you move? Start a new life in another neighbourhood? The only other thing I can pick up on is that you spend a lot of time posting here, and going for runs to get it out of you, but you are a lady and us ladies talk... who are you talking to? Where are your friends? If you don't have a strong support base around you then start building it - get out there. Running and exercise is great, but what other hobbies do you have? As you've said, you're too tired now to go for a run and now your resolve is waning. I'd suggest going out to see a friend, but if you can't or neglected them while you were in the relationship or whatever, then you need to start joining things, meeting people etc. Start looking tonight to join a book club, do an art class, there are so many things you can do. If you don't start moving on with your life and actively taking control and pushing in the direction you would like to go (get some aims), then you're going to keep being pulled back to him and at some point you will be so weak that you'll go back to him, it'll be great for what, a week? And he'll start cheating. You'll be codependent, and in being in that relationship you will never develop yourself either. Once again just to reiterate, that guy is a piece of **** AND YOU DESERVE BETTER. Other people have been in your situation, be a role model for all the other girls that will end up there too and take charge or yourself and the situation. Make yourself PROUD of you. Thank you... thank all of you for the love! I really appreciate it... I'm not sure why the past few days have been so hard... I guess it's just realizing that tomorrow is three weeks... and its hitting me that we're actually over... I do have girlfriends, but I'm a med student which keeps me really busy... on top of being a med student I had an illness which required me to take a medical leave of absence, so all of my friends that I started med school with are out on clinical rotations... and I had to start all over with a brand new class in August. I have acquaintances and people I enjoy hanging out with in my new class, but nobody I'm close enough to that I want to poor my heart and soul out to. So I am pursuing aims... I'm actually doing one of the most competitive and challenging things in the world, I'm a second year medical student. and I'm focusing on my studies more and more, but it's usually late at night, or on study breaks that I realize how lonely I am... on top of school, I run and hike with friends, I've taken two great trips in the past month, one to vegas and one to hawaii, and I take Ballet, and I go to church... so I feel like I'm pretty active compared to most med students (which is a different standard than the rest of the world has) As for moving I can't afford to... I got a steal on my place, my school is in a really dangerous area and there are only a few nice apartment complexes, I got into one of them, and the manager misquoted me the rent price but he wrote it down, so I got my lease for several hundred dollars less than what the place typically rents for... so I'm stuck here... Thanks for the Rihanna example... it totally does click, because you're right the first time she went back to Chris Brown I thought WTF?!? I don't want to be that person... I want to know that I can move on and be happy! Even if it hurts to lose someone I loved, you can love someone who is not good for you, and to be whole and happy you have to suffer the loss of those kind of loves...
Author sendme Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 is THIS what you want to go back to? (taken from your other thread) "a month or so goes by and the ex starts calling me, we talk, over the winter break I go see him, the current boyfriend finds out we're talking but doesn't know I went to see the ex. At the time the current boyfriend finds out we're talking and he starts becoming an insecure controlling jerk. He insults me, puts me down... he's emotionally and physically abusive he uses sex as a weapon saying things like, "if you don't have sex with me right now I'll know your talking to your ex and break up with you..." the current boyfriend has even said things to me like, I know exactly how to control you, if I don't want you to leave the house I'll just make you feel so insecure you won't go out for a week." Really? Thank you! you're right I don't want to go back to that... I find myself often thinking only of the good things about my ex, because the bad things are so painful to remember... I need to learn to embrace that pain so I don't fall back into that terrible relationship!
veggirl Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 just picture the photo of him kissing another girl that he text to you. that should stop the what ifs, right?
mishy Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 just picture the photo of him kissing another girl that he text to you. that should stop the what ifs, right? I have a better idea Save it as your phone screen saver. every time you look at your phone you see it, and it gets drummed into your head what a loser this guy is!
mishy Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Thank you! you're right I don't want to go back to that... I find myself often thinking only of the good things about my ex, because the bad things are so painful to remember... I need to learn to embrace that pain so I don't fall back into that terrible relationship! I am dealing with a similar thing, and i know exactly how you feel
Author sendme Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 I have a better idea Save it as your phone screen saver. every time you look at your phone you see it, and it gets drummed into your head what a loser this guy is! I did this when we initially went nc (lasted 9 days)... and for some reason in my twisted psyche it only broke me down and made me feel worthless... it didn't make me care for him any less... it just made me feel less... like why am I so ugly/awful/stupid/old/unworthy that he would pick her over me... I get why that kind of thing works for other people, but I just don't operate that way....
Author sendme Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 I am dealing with a similar thing, and i know exactly how you feel it sucks right... I know to get over him I need to think about how awful things really were... my counselor said last week that i used to come in literally just looking beaten and broken down... he said he's actually terrified that if my ex comes knocking on the door I'll take him back and that I need to find out whats wrong internally that I stayed to begin with so I know I'll never go back.... but I hate remembering how awful it felt to know that time and again he picked someone else... this man who told me I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever met, who said he was addicted to me, that he couldn't get enough of the smell of my skin, who said that I was the best he'd ever had... that nothing compared to me, who said he loved the way I walked, and smiled... I've never had someone admire every little part of me that way... looking back I realize it was probably serious "game" it's why he's had nothing but a chain of other women... but in the moment I believed it... I believed it to be uniquely me... and to think of all that being a lie, and that man who I love so deeply being with another... to think of all the hurtful hateful things he did... it's crushing... how do I remember with honesty who he was and not feel completely crushed by it at the same time...?
Under The Radar Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I would start by making two lists: 1. Write down 20 reasons why your ex is NOT good for you. As dumpees we tend to glamorize our ex's and the good memories. That is what can play games with our heads and keep us "trapped" in the pain/doubt cycle. When I went through the initial stages of my last break up, I'd pull my list out whenever I started to have these counter productive thoughts. SEEING those 20 reasons right in front of my face helped me to keep things in perspective and move forward. 2. Write down 20 things you like about yourself and why a guy would be lucky to have you as his girlfriend. Tack it to the side of your bed, bathroom mirror, or refrigerator. Seeing this list will remind you that there are plenty of guys out there that will notice all of these qualities in you. There is a guy out there who would romance you as well if not better than your ex and NOT cheat. Hope this helps! 1
mishy Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I did this when we initially went nc (lasted 9 days)... and for some reason in my twisted psyche it only broke me down and made me feel worthless... it didn't make me care for him any less... it just made me feel less... like why am I so ugly/awful/stupid/old/unworthy that he would pick her over me... I get why that kind of thing works for other people, but I just don't operate that way.... Initially it hurts, but when you look at the picture on the screen you have to consciously say to yourself. "this is the kind of guy he is" " he is the kind of guy that sends me a photo of him kissing another girl" " iam better than this, what an a- hole" "what a repulsive man" "he will surely do the same thing to the trollop in the photo" Other thing to do is carry around a list of horrible things he has done to you. refer to it when out and about when thoughts about him drop in. I did this with a guy ages ago, literally carried around the list, and it worked. 1
suladas Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I feel so bad for you, I know how hard it is when they are so close to where you live. I wouldn't even think of moving just for someone else (I did think it initially after my BU to) but eventually you won't even care that he's so close. You deserve so much better, just got to keep remembering why he's no good for you.
Author sendme Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Initially it hurts, but when you look at the picture on the screen you have to consciously say to yourself. "this is the kind of guy he is" " he is the kind of guy that sends me a photo of him kissing another girl" " iam better than this, what an a- hole" "what a repulsive man" "he will surely do the same thing to the trollop in the photo" Other thing to do is carry around a list of horrible things he has done to you. refer to it when out and about when thoughts about him drop in. I did this with a guy ages ago, literally carried around the list, and it worked. Thanks for this... I was thinking today about why the past few days have been so hard... and I think it's because this was only his second week end off since NC... I was in Hawaii for our first 9 days of NC, and tomorrow will be 21 days NC, which means really I've only been here and NC for 12 days... so I guess it makes sense that it is this hard... he is a jerk... how is it possible to love someone who treats you so poorly?
mishy Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Thanks for this... I was thinking today about why the past few days have been so hard... and I think it's because this was only his second week end off since NC... I was in Hawaii for our first 9 days of NC, and tomorrow will be 21 days NC, which means really I've only been here and NC for 12 days... so I guess it makes sense that it is this hard... he is a jerk... how is it possible to love someone who treats you so poorly? Don't know. I hung around someone for 5 years who treated me like sh%t and i guess it was because the thing started when i was already at a low point (both parents died). Its all about self esteem, wanting affection. You set up a pattern and show him that treating you badly is acceptable and it just goes form there I am 7 days NC. It is getting harder knowng he is not contacting me either, because you think well he's moved on with this new girl He will totally be expecting me to contact it stings
Author sendme Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Don't know. I hung around someone for 5 years who treated me like sh%t and i guess it was because the thing started when i was already at a low point (both parents died). Its all about self esteem, wanting affection. You set up a pattern and show him that treating you badly is acceptable and it just goes form there I am 7 days NC. It is getting harder knowng he is not contacting me either, because you think well he's moved on with this new girl He will totally be expecting me to contact it stings yeah I totally get that... it's killing me knowing that I think of calling him every hour... and I'm sure he doesn't think of me that often... I literally almost called him a minute ago... but didn't... two days ago I went to his door to knock and all I did was put my ear to his door and walk away... this is so hard... I wish he was here... I wish he would reach out... I broke NC last time... I don't want to do it this time...
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