AD1980 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I rarely approach women im pretty shy around them i finally said screw it maybe im missing out on opportunities by not approaching women.. I approached about 4 different groups of women asking them open ended questions about themselves they each gave one word answers and put their head down into their phones ignoring me.. Now i know why i dont approach..The only women who are somewhat nice to me and engage in conversations are friends wives who know im not hitting on them.. Any women who sees me as potentially hitting on them bails quick..I dont think im cut out for this mating stuff..
SteveC80 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Cold approaches are all about looks if a women isnt interested in you she'll make it clear she isnt into you sometimes rudely because she doesnt want to give off the wrong impression that shes into you possibly by engaging in conversation For unattractive or avergae dudes cold approach isnt the way to go
Avulare Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 One nervous guy approaching a group of unknown girls in a bar... You're doing it wrong. If you're shy, meet approach girls in a place or time when you're at you're most secure. For example, if you have hobbies or interests, find a social gathering based around that and try to find some chicks there. That way you're more comfortable and won't fumble while trying to talk to her, and you already know you have at least one shared interest with her.
Author AD1980 Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 One nervous guy approaching a group of unknown girls in a bar... You're doing it wrong. If you're shy, meet approach girls in a place or time when you're at you're most secure. For example, if you have hobbies or interests, find a social gathering based around that and try to find some chicks there. That way you're more comfortable and won't fumble while trying to talk to her, and you already know you have at least one shared interest with her. I wasnt alone i was with a friend..i have no single women in my social circle this is is all have to approach women
Avulare Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Expand your social circle then. Whatever your interests are, from working out at the gym to building computers to bird watching, there are social gatherings to be found. And where there are social gatherings, there are women. 3
Taramere Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 (edited) I think if I were a guy, I would probably try to treat a bar like a big party/networking event where everybody is expected to introduce themselves to eachother. The places with the best atmosphere tend to feel like that in any event. PUA artists go on about "social proof" or mixed groups arousing the competitive instincts etc, but that's probably over-thinking it. I think mixed groups tend just to be more welcoming....especially if they're comprised of a mix of couples and single people. If I'm in a mixed group, and a guy hovering on the fringes of that group makes conversation with me, I'll tend to assume that he has a connection to somebody in the group...and it's very easy to have a conversation with somebody if you think they're loosely connected to the group you're in. I don't think the cheesy PUA approach has a place in that situation...because it would most likely result in the group closing ranks (men who are established members of the group will see a strange "negger" of any of the women in their group off pretty quickly), but if you're friendly and respectful to the group generally, and to the women in it, I think most women will respond in kind in that situation. Approaching all-female groups, if you're a very shy man, is probably not a good idea. If you find it difficult to talk to women, then you probably find it difficult to be sociable generally. Focus on building up your social confidence in mixed groups....making conversation with friends' wives or girlfriends, other women who are part of the group etc, and feeling more comfortable talking to women generally will follow from that. One of the problems with the PUA community is that, from what I've seen, it attracts quite a lot of socially inept nerds, misogynists and conman types....which is a pretty toxic mix that could encourage a bad attitude amongst more normal (but somewhat shy) men who get too immersed in it. I say that because I've seen your posts before and get the impression that you're the kind of guy those online PUA communities would welcome and patronise as a "project". Far better to just be yourself, be friendly and respectful and practice being relaxed around women in a social way without putting pressure on yourself to transform every social encounter you have with a female into something romantic or sexual. Which is where you seem to be at just now. I think you're so focused on the goal of trying to hook up with a woman that you're maybe not focusing on just enjoying the conversations you have with women. Edited October 20, 2012 by Taramere
Author AD1980 Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 I think if I were a guy, I would probably try to treat a bar like a big party/networking event where everybody is expected to introduce themselves to eachother. The places with the best atmosphere tend to feel like that in any event. PUA artists go on about "social proof" or mixed groups arousing the competitive instincts etc, but that's probably over-thinking it. I think mixed groups tend just to be more welcoming....especially if they're comprised of a mix of couples and single people. If I'm in a mixed group, and a guy hovering on the fringes of that group makes conversation with me, I'll tend to assume that he has a connection to somebody in the group...and it's very easy to have a conversation with somebody if you think they're loosely connected to the group you're in. I don't think the cheesy PUA approach has a place in that situation...because it would most likely result in the group closing ranks (men who are established members of the group will see a strange "negger" of any of the women in their group off pretty quickly), but if you're friendly and respectful to the group generally, and to the women in it, I think most women will respond in kind in that situation. Approaching all-female groups, if you're a very shy man, is probably not a good idea. If you find it difficult to talk to women, then you probably find it difficult to be sociable generally. Focus on building up your social confidence in mixed groups....making conversation with friends' wives or girlfriends, other women who are part of the group etc, and feeling more comfortable talking to women generally will follow from that. One of the problems with the PUA community is that, from what I've seen, it attracts quite a lot of socially inept nerds, misogynists and conman types....which is a pretty toxic mix that could encourage a bad attitude amongst more normal (but somewhat shy) men who get too immersed in it. I say that because I've seen your posts before and get the impression that you're the kind of guy those online PUA communities would welcome and patronise as a "project". Far better to just be yourself, be friendly and respectful and practice being relaxed around women in a social way without putting pressure on yourself to transform every social encounter you have with a female into something romantic or sexual. Which is where you seem to be at just now. I think you're so focused on the goal of trying to hook up with a woman that you're maybe not focusing on just enjoying the conversations you have with women. I really dont know much about pua nor have i ever tried it..The whole idea of putting women down just isnt me.. I do have conversations and a pretty good relationship with my buddies wife..My friends wives are the only women who seem receptive to talk to me because they know im not trying to hit on them where single women dont want to give me any impression there interested so they try to engage in as little dialogue with me as possible..
xdahliax Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I wouldn't approach groups of women. You'd be more successful if you go for girls that wandered off from their friends for a bit, it'll look like you actually noticed one particular girl instead of like you're just hoping that you get something from someone.
SteveC80 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I wouldn't approach groups of women. You'd be more successful if you go for girls that wandered off from their friends for a bit, it'll look like you actually noticed one particular girl instead of like you're just hoping that you get something from someone. I disagree especially if hes not a great looking guy the op should try to engage as many women as possible in hopes one will bite
xdahliax Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I disagree especially if hes not a great looking guy the op should try to engage as many women as possible in hopes one will bite As many women as possible but individually. It's less stressful for him and women are generally more receptive.
SteveC80 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 As many women as possible but individually. It's less stressful for him and women are generally more receptive. I dont knkow about that i think womenare mroe receptive and feel more safe if they have friends with them
Imajerk17 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 (edited) As someone who was in and out of the PUA Community I don't really agree with the demonization of it. It is actually a mixed bag. There are people who would make great mentors, people who can break down what is happening in your social interactions and how you can improve. And yes, there are charlatans who aren't really qualified to teach and who will just take your money. I'd love to hear what the PUA detractors would suggest to guys learning to improve. Come here for advice?? Anyway... AD, here's the thing: Women are sizing you up when you approach. They are sizing you up as you walk over to talk to them, the first few things that come out of your mouth, and even how you handle their resistance. They are trying to figure out if you are a cool fun guy who will add to their night, or if you are someone who will not, and whom they will have to politely get rid of. Looks are only maybe 30% of this. I can't explain how to successfully approach in one post. BUT I would be curious to know how you approached the women you saw. THAT would give a lot of insight as to what you could be doing better. Edited October 20, 2012 by Imajerk17 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Basically these women were trying to determine whether you were worthy of their time and presence. Like Aladdin and the Cave of Wonders. And people wonder why I'm cynical and so negative all the time.
jcrew11 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Its easier to meet girls at yoga class or in a coffee shop or school library. For bars, you should use your friend's wife as a wing-woman to help introduce you to girls and talk to groups of women in 'a non-threatening situations.' If they see you with other women, your social status increases and social proof and approval by other women makes you more desirable. In bars, its "High energy, all the time," the music is loud, and you have to be really confident. Imagine yourself on cocaine, and really excited. Become the life of the party, and make women want to meet you because you seem like an interesting person. Also, girls at bars get hit on all the time, and they reject most guys. They have their shields up, so don't take it too personally that you get turned down. Just try to have a good time yourself, without the women. Try to introduce yourself and give your name to all the girls in the bar. Some times it takes time for a girl to warm up to you. Leave the table, if one of the girls thinks your cute, she'll find you later. Make sure to smile, joke around, laugh. Its a very superficial environment, so make sure you dress well, look good, and give out confident vibes.
Taramere Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 As someone who was in and out of the PUA Community I don't really agree with the demonization of it. It is actually a mixed bag. There are people who would make great mentors, people who can break down what is happening in your social interactions and how you can improve. And yes, there are charlatans who aren't really qualified to teach and who will just take your money. I'd love to hear what the PUA detractors would suggest to guys learning to improve. Come here for advice?? Well....a lot of guys already are here for advice. Why do you think they'd come here rather than go to a PUA site? You're here. Why did you come here? Maybe you could tell me which ones you find impressive...because from what I've seen the psychology in these PUA sites is basic "the Edward Bernays approach to psychology" marketing type stuff...with the emphasis being on using concepts from pop psychology to manipulate others/market an image of yourself to others/obtain a sense of superiority over others..... rather than using it to develop better self awareness. I would say exactly the same thing about The Rules. I remember reading it out of curiosity, and immediately thinking "I've encountered the type. The 'Rules Girl." All the manipulating childish power play. The "you are a creature unlike any other" stuff. It's the same as the "regard yourself as the prize" crap that PUA types tell eachother. The Rules Girl and the PUA meet, and they hate eachother.....not surprisingly, because both have, if they faithfully followed the rules their gurus set out for them, turned themselves into narcissists in search of the narcissistic supply sources that their gurus promised them would soon be queuing up. Mystery was probably the worst example of any of this "attract the opposite sex by worshipping your own false sense of self" crap. Physically he's been blessed with the basics, but the narcissism and stupid gimmicks transformed a basically attractive man into a cheap joke. I just can't see that there's anything you can learn from PUA theory that you wouldn't learn more thoroughly, and in a way that's better geared towards honest introspection rather than ego inflation, by studying psychology from more neutral, academic sources.
Taramere Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I really dont know much about pua nor have i ever tried it..The whole idea of putting women down just isnt me.. I do have conversations and a pretty good relationship with my buddies wife..My friends wives are the only women who seem receptive to talk to me because they know im not trying to hit on them where single women dont want to give me any impression there interested so they try to engage in as little dialogue with me as possible.. That seems pretty anti-social of them. Does this happen when you're part of a group of people, and attempting to make conversation with single women within the group?
ThaWholigan Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Well....a lot of guys already are here for advice. Why do you think they'd come here rather than go to a PUA site? You're here. Why did you come here? Maybe you could tell me which ones you find impressive...because from what I've seen the psychology in these PUA sites is basic "the Edward Bernays approach to psychology" marketing type stuff...with the emphasis being on using concepts from pop psychology to manipulate others/market an image of yourself to others/obtain a sense of superiority over others..... rather than using it to develop better self awareness. I would say exactly the same thing about The Rules. I remember reading it out of curiosity, and immediately thinking "I've encountered the type. The 'Rules Girl." All the manipulating childish power play. The "you are a creature unlike any other" stuff. It's the same as the "regard yourself as the prize" crap that PUA types tell eachother. The Rules Girl and the PUA meet, and they hate eachother.....not surprisingly, because both have, if they faithfully followed the rules their gurus set out for them, turned themselves into narcissists in search of the narcissistic supply sources that their gurus promised them would soon be queuing up. Mystery was probably the worst example of any of this "attract the opposite sex by worshipping your own false sense of self" crap. Physically he's been blessed with the basics, but the narcissism and stupid gimmicks transformed a basically attractive man into a cheap joke. I just can't see that there's anything you can learn from PUA theory that you wouldn't learn more thoroughly, and in a way that's better geared towards honest introspection rather than ego inflation, by studying psychology from more neutral, academic sources. Because none of those sources teach you how to be attractive enough. That's why I read PUA.
phineas Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I wasnt alone i was with a friend..i have no single women in my social circle this is is all have to approach women Do you even lift? Seriously. I was never nervous about approaching women but I was always fat. Now i'm in shape & the few times I do make it out, women either approach me or make it very obvious their interested. Of course I don't ask questions. I observe what is transpiring in the bar, locate all acceptable women. 9/10 times some out of shape horribly dressed guy is hitting on them hard (because I only approach the hot one's) LOL! so I'll usually walk up to them & basically troll them by telling them if they weren't so hot they wouldn't have this problem. then introduce myself. Then if she shows interest i'll joke around with her a little bit & maybe pick on her a tiny bit & move on to the next woman. Plant the seed. Keep in mind i'm 40 so I mostly go for the women in my decade that stayed in shape. although the younger ones seem very aggressive. considering i'm 5'8" i'd say being lean & looking like I lift has made all the difference in the world when it comes to social situations. 1
yongyong Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Who says it's easier to talk in other places? When it comes to a cold approach a Bar is the easiest place. You don't draw an attention when you approach girls since it's normally accepted. People can't hear your conversation. So you can just walk away if she says she has a bf. You won't see her again. Although you will run into her again, it's no big deal. Now think about you did the same thing at a coffee shop. what kind of risks are you having? I am not saying you should just approach at bars. But it's a good place to practice. I say it's nothing wrong if you are bit shy and come off as awkward. I give props to guys who at least Try. But I hate those guys who hit on women in obviously wrong ways. (talking about her body parts, starts grinding from behind, just stare at her for a while, buying her drinks as an ice breaker) you shouldn't worry about your rejections. a lot of guys will laugh at you if you say 'I got rejected 4 times, what is wrong with me?'
phineas Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Who says it's easier to talk in other places? When it comes to a cold approach a Bar is the easiest place. You don't draw an attention when you approach girls since it's normally accepted. People can't hear your conversation. So you can just walk away if she says she has a bf. You won't see her again. Although you will run into her again, it's no big deal. Now think about you did the same thing at a coffee shop. what kind of risks are you having? I am not saying you should just approach at bars. But it's a good place to practice. I say it's nothing wrong if you are bit shy and come off as awkward. I give props to guys who at least Try. But I hate those guys who hit on women in obviously wrong ways. (talking about her body parts, starts grinding from behind, just stare at her for a while, buying her drinks as an ice breaker) you shouldn't worry about your rejections. a lot of guys will laugh at you if you say 'I got rejected 4 times, what is wrong with me?' I agree 100% Nobody except the real close can hear you crash & burn.
NYC-BigKat Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I rarely approach women im pretty shy around them i finally said screw it maybe im missing out on opportunities by not approaching women.. I approached about 4 different groups of women asking them open ended questions about themselves they each gave one word answers and put their head down into their phones ignoring me.. Now i know why i dont approach..The only women who are somewhat nice to me and engage in conversations are friends wives who know im not hitting on them.. Any women who sees me as potentially hitting on them bails quick..I dont think im cut out for this mating stuff.. You'r not alone nope not at all. I stopped with the cold approaches since girls aren't giving me a chance so whats left to do?
ascendotum Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 One nervous guy approaching a group of unknown girls in a bar... You're doing it wrong. If you're shy, meet approach girls in a place or time when you're at you're most secure. For example, if you have hobbies or interests, find a social gathering based around that and try to find some chicks there. That way you're more comfortable and won't fumble while trying to talk to her, and you already know you have at least one shared interest with her. I agree, but the guy needs to have the right hobbies that interest enough women, where you don't want it that the few that show up to meets get inundated with over eager dudes. Past times that revolve around things like.. death metal music, drag car racing, beer can collecting, stamp collecting, hunting/marksmanship, rally car driving, weight lifting/kick boxing, chess, making war craft models, home brewing, playing cards, model railways, etc. are not pussy magnet hobbies.
jcrew11 Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Also at the bars, don't go for the hottest chicks at first. Try hitting on the chubby girls and the uglier girls to build up your confidence. They might reject you as well, but you won't be as invested in the outcome if a fat girl turns you down. Sometimes, the hot girl will get jealous that you are talking to her ugly friend, so then she will try to steal you.
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