kingdork Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I'm interested in hearing people's opinions on how women tend to react to blunt comments. Before I explain what I mean by a blunt comment, let me clarify that I'm interested in internal reactions rather than they how they appear to react; i.e. how it makes them feel and what they really think. Let me give an example of the type of comment I'm talking about. I spent most of the day in a coffee shop today where an interesting and attractive woman happens to work. We've interacted a small amount before today and there seems to be a little something going on under the surface (though obviously it's hard to judge these things when the other person is at work and is therefore required to be friendly to customers). Anyway, I spent most of the day studying there, and a couple hours before they were getting ready to close, the woman in question comes over to my table and offers me a free muffin "since I've been here all day". I graciously accept, then return to my studies. About an hour later, she comes back to my table and says "So, what did you think? How was it?" I say "Oh, it was great, that was really nice of you." But then she asked again: "How was it? Was it really good?" So now it seems to me that she's really fishing for something...who knows what? Honestly, I have no idea. Maybe she cooked the muffin herself or something..... and with the exact same friendly tone of voice, I say "Well you know, it was a muffin....*smile*" So this is pretty much what I'm talking about. I could have said "ohhh, it was fabulous. It was the best ****ing muffin I've ever had!" But honestly, yeah it was good, and it was a very nice gesture on her part, but what am I supposed to say? I already told her how nice she was for giving me the muffin. I already told her it was good. Anything beyond that and it's like hello, it was a muffin! So my question is, how does this type of blunt comment make a woman feel? When I said it, she turned her head away and seemed to have a little moment of embarrassment. She seemed to be thinking "well, duh, what did I expect him to say?". I'm curious to hear opinions about how this sort of comment will affect her perception of me. Will a woman tend to think I'm a jerk for saying something like this, or will she take it as a positive, since it shows that I'm not going to play up some silly little muffin just because I'm attracted to her?
threebyfate Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 You had an opening a mile wide to hit on her since she approached you, particularly with a gift. If you were attracted to her, why wouldn't you have flirted with her and asked her out, instead of shutting her down? 1
Author kingdork Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 You had an opening a mile wide to hit on her since she approached you, particularly with a gift. If you were attracted to her, why wouldn't you have flirted with her and asked her out, instead of shutting her down? This is a good point, though it doesn't answer my question in any way.
threebyfate Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 It does answer your question. The signal you gave was to shut her down. 1
Author kingdork Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 that said... the honest answer to your question is because I'm not the perfect PUA and often miss opportunities like this.
Author kingdork Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 Okay, from my perspective, all that addresses it what I did. I'm asking how will this affect her perception of me, regardless of whether or not I dropped the ball?
threebyfate Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 PUA has nothing to do with this. If someone approaches you, whether romantically or in friendship, if you want to get to know this person, you engage in a positive manner and attempt to find ways to extend the engagement through positive verbal exchanges. Edit: Saw your new post. Her perception of you would be negative. Dude's not interested. 1
Author kingdork Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 Just using "PUA" as a figure of speech. Okay yeah, I agree it sends the message that I'm not interested. But will it affect her attraction to me? It's not like that was the end of our interaction or anything. I can still go back to the same place and interact with her some more if I want.
threebyfate Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 You asked for an opinion and I gave you mine bluntly. If you wish to fix her negative perception, better go back and fix it with a muffin delivery if you wish to interact again. If she still likes you, she might play along. If she's turned off, you're a goner and she'll shut you down.
Author kingdork Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 I mean, surely I can talk to her some more and attempt to "edit" the message that i mistakenly conveyed. In all honestly, being overly blunt is probably my biggest personality fault, so I'm quite interested in this topic beyond just this particular interaction.
Author kingdork Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 You asked for an opinion and I gave you mine bluntly. If you wish to fix her negative perception, better go back and fix it with a muffin delivery if you wish to interact again. If she still likes you, she might play along. If she's turned off, you're a goner and she'll shut you down. I appreciate it! I think the thing is that yeah, I already know instinctively that it wasn't the best way to respond, so I'm more interested in how it affects her attraction to me, rather than the message I conveyed.
GirlontheLam Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 She will think you are not interested with such a huge brush off. And be less responsive to your advances.
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Her perception is that you are not into her and she has lost interest. You also came across as possibly rude. I guess that's what PUAs call a neg (since you are so obsessed with PUA ). Negs will only make any half-way normal woman lose interest.
Author kingdork Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 She will think you are not interested with such a huge brush off. And be less responsive to your advances. Yeah, that sucks because it's definitely not what I wanted to convey. So, do you think it would be more wise to approach her directly and apologetically, or to fish around for her "new opinion" of me first? I'm inclined to just tell her flatout that I'm an idiot and that indeed it was the best ****ing muffin I've ever had.
Author kingdork Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 Her perception is that you are not into her and she has lost interest. You also came across as possibly rude. I guess that's what PUAs call a neg (since you are so obsessed with PUA ). Negs will only make any half-way normal woman lose interest. Well I guess it's good to know that my natural inclination towards bluntness/rudeness is actually considered a tactic to some. But this is a serious question and I'm not kidding when I say that bluntness is my biggest personality flaw.
RachR Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 OP she was trying to initiate conversation and chat you up, it wasn't about the muffin. You couldn't be more wrong about her feeling "embarassed" about talking about a muffin. She was probably thinking how clueless you were, lol.
GirlontheLam Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 To be honest, both of you were acting weird in this interaction. I wouldn't call it bluntness. Maybe obliviousness. If you are interested, then next go up to her and make it clear. "Hey it would be great to see you outside of the cafe, do you want to get drinks somewhere one if these days..."
RachR Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 To be honest, both of you were acting weird in this interaction. I wouldn't call it bluntness. Maybe obliviousness. I was going to mention this, too. And the "this is the best muffin in the world!" comments would have probably come off more as sarcasm or just plain odd.
Author kingdork Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 To be honest, both of you were acting weird in this interaction. I wouldn't call it bluntness. Maybe obliviousness. If you are interested, then next go up to her and make it clear. "Hey it would be great to see you outside of the cafe, do you want to get drinks somewhere one if these days..." Why do you think she was acting weird? Because she presented a gift rather than just being direct? Indeed, she even presented it with the disclaimer: "since you've been here all day".
RachR Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Should also say, I also have a tendency to shut down people who make small talk like this to keep things going. But the thing is, I usually don't mean to and later I have a "do'h!" moment realizing that I did that, because I realize what they were doing. If you want to do better with these kind of situations, learn to recognize the cue that it's "not about the muffin." You weren't blunt, like said...you brushed her off. So bluntness is a moot point in this situation. 1
Author kingdork Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 I was going to mention this, too. And the "this is the best muffin in the world!" comments would have probably come off more as sarcasm or just plain odd. I didn't mean it literally! The main point was to be direct and honest about our previous interaction, to say "I'm an idiot and what I should have said was....." It sounds like that's what you're suggesting I should do to best remedy the interaction, just be honest and direct and acknowledge that I should have acted differently.
Author kingdork Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 Should also say, I also have a tendency to shut down people who make small talk like this to keep things going. But the thing is, I usually don't mean to and later I have a "do'h!" moment realizing that I did that, because I realize what they were doing. If you want to do better with these kind of situations, learn to recognize the cue that it's "not about the muffin." You weren't blunt, like said...you brushed her off. So bluntness is a moot point in this situation. Okay, yep. Thanks!!!
RachR Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I didn't mean it literally! The main point was to be direct and honest about our previous interaction, to say "I'm an idiot and what I should have said was....." It sounds like that's what you're suggesting I should do to best remedy the interaction, just be honest and direct and acknowledge that I should have acted differently. Ok so now, due to your last interaction, she thinks you don't like her and aren't interested in her. To remedy it, you just gotta go back and do something to make her think you are interested and think that what you did the other night brushing her off was just a fluke. (But don't verbalize how you screwed up, just do something to show interest and try to chat with her)
GirlontheLam Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Why do you think she was acting weird? Because she presented a gift rather than just being direct? Indeed, she even presented it with the disclaimer: "since you've been here all day". Because she asked about the muffin twice. That is a weird follow up question. But do not talk about the muffin next time you talk to her. It wasn't about the muffin. She doesn't care. She wanted you to talk to her and you said "stop bothering me" in not so many words. So if you are interested, schedule a date with her next time you see her. Do not stop with getting her number, make it clear you are serious. (If you are.)
CC12 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I'm inclined to just tell her flatout that I'm an idiot and that indeed it was the best ****ing muffin I've ever had. Don't do this. It will be really awkward and weird. Maybe order another muffin from her next time "because the last one was so good" or whatever. But don't directly bring up what you said before. As for how your comment would have made me feel - pretty stupid, honestly. And with that comes embarrassment. I would not take it as a positive or think, "Wow, this guy is 'not going to play up some silly little muffin just because [he's] attracted to [me].' Quite impressive." No, I'm just going to think it was kind of a dick thing to say, and then I'd probably limit my interactions with him because I wouldn't want to have any more uncomfortable conversations. In all honestly, being overly blunt is probably my biggest personality fault, so I'm quite interested in this topic beyond just this particular interaction. There's a time and a place for bluntness, and there are some people you can be blunt with and others you shouldn't. You can be blunt with your good friends when it might benefit them. When you're exchanging pleasantries with someone you don't know well, that is not the time to be blunt. In getting-to-know-you conversations or small talk, it is more important to be a good conversationalist. Sometimes that means telling people small, white lies. "Yes, the muffin was delicious!" Sometimes it means telling people what they want to hear. Sometimes it means that you simply answer stupid questions instead of trying to make a point of how stupid they are. It's all in the name of having pleasant conversations, because there's really no reason to put a relative stranger in their place or knock them down a peg.
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