SMF Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 My boyfriend and I had a balanced, healthy, trusting relationship- we spoke about engagement and living together and we were both aware that we were each others "one". Our parents were both very supportive of our relationship. I am 26-he is 29. He never said I love you though. It was like he was pipe dreaming about the future and the one argument we had was over those 3 words. Needless to say, a few weeks later (2 weeks ago) he broke up with me bc he felt overwhelmed with his personal and professional life (in the process of starting his own business). He felt that maybe we were on 2 different pages if I felt in love and he didn't know what he was feeling. He said that he needed some time... I asked how much time- a week, a month, 6 months- He replied with "i hope it doesn't take that long". What an odd question to have an answer to. He agreed to him having a "flip out". Now, we have not communicated via phone since the break up. I called calmly to discuss the situation but has has ignored and avoided my calls. We did touch base via email last Friday and he said that "at this point he does not feel it is helpful to speak" and he is "not ready to reconsider". WHICH is just so abnormal considering he broke up with me and how would he know that I would take him back. his best friends wife called me and said- that she is very upset with him and she and her husband both have not really heard from him and he is shutting everyone else out- including me. Do you think that in a few weeks, once clarity is in place- a call would be appropriate- ? OR is it his job to connect with me since he broke my heart? I want to save this relationship bc I am convinced he is just flipping out/having a 29 year old nervous breakdown.
johan Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Appropriate in what way? You were pretty clear that you aren't even sure you'd take him back. So I assume you would be calling just to check in. Unless he's REALLY flipping out, there shouldn't be anything wrong with that. I don't see any reason why a call every week or two should be a bad thing when someone needs space. It's not much of an invasion, and you can always make it clear you don't HAVE to talk, no pressure. That's crucial. If you were doing it trying to talk about the relationship and fix things, then I'd advise against it. Mostly for your sake. He's taken over the relationship, and there's not much you can do, except what makes the most sense for yourself. If you can stand to talk to him but you still respect the "space" he claims he needs, then call him occasionally. If nothing else just to make sure he's ok. You said maybe a call "once clarity is in place". Obviously you'll have no idea when that happens, so that's his problem. And he'd be a serious jerk not to let you know one way or another. He seems like kind of a jerk already.
Author SMF Posted July 30, 2004 Author Posted July 30, 2004 DO you think that he is trying to make me hate him- and that is why he is refusing communication?
nikkicam71 Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 I have been EXACTLY where you are. What he's doing is asking you to leave him alone...in more ways than one. Stop calling him. Stop. Calling him, leaving messages, emailing him...those will only make it worse. I promise. Leave him alone. You can't make him come back whether you call or you don't. He wants to be by himself right now, he does not want to be in a relationship. Nothing you say or do will ever change that. The only way that will change is if he decides he wants it to change. And that will not happen overnight...not if he's gotten to this point. Leave him alone. You will hear from him again at some point in the future, unless you've done the calling thing way too much already. He's asked you for his space and you haven't respected that request. Soon, he will begin to lose respect for you as well. I know it sucks, and it isn't fair...all you can do is believe that everything happens for a reason and let it go. Then you can begin to feel better....with or without him. ~Nikki
johan Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Not sure. That would be lame of him. It's probably having that effect though. It'll kill your love for him sooner or later.
Author SMF Posted July 30, 2004 Author Posted July 30, 2004 Thanks Nikki- Good advice. Its only been 2 weeks and we emailed last Friday. You are so right- as I cannot force this person to change his mind about our current status. HE is the one that broke it off, HE is the one that doesn't want to speak, HE will have to be the one to come to his own senses. I have to keep remembering that I cannot control other people's actions. I really haven't made that many attempts to contact him. I guess I can't even expect him to know what he wants to do in 2 weeks. Have you been in the same situation?
nikkicam71 Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 EXACTLY the same situation. My ex and I were really, really happy...or so I thought. He started a new business, I helped him get everything set before it started. I thought we were supporting each other, working toward a future together. About a month after the biz started, he became distant, started pulling away, stopped having sex w/ me. told me he was really busy, no time to see me, too much stress in his life. Said he knew he was hurting me, didn't want to tell me he just needed time, thought it was best if we broke up. He didn't call/email for two weeks. Then an email, and then he started calling once a week for five weeks. Finally I couldn't take anymore and I told him I can't be friends right now. Told him if something changed for him and he missed me/wanted to see me, by all means call me, but right now I can't be friends. He told me if that changed for me, please call him. We haven't spoken for 30 days today. These past 30 days have been so productive for me, emotionally. I am finally able to accept that he's gone and that "we" are over. I've begun to move forward and I am happy with my life, with or without him. I don't know if we will ever talk again. I know that I'm not sure just yet if I could be friends....I still think it's too soon. I still miss him, but I've begun dating other people and I realize that my future, my life, WILL continue without him. No matter how much I love him, I love me more...and I have so much to offer! Just think about yourself. Try not to consider the possibility that you may work things out, it will only hold you back and keep you clinging to (probably) false hope. Then if something does happen to bring the two of you back together, it will be a pleasant surprise. You may realize if he makes the move that you aren't so sure you want to go back there. I know at this point in my life, I wouldn't want to open myself back up to that emotional rollercoaster. If he came back now, I would be afraid to try again...it took me quite awhile to pick up the pieces, and I don't want to ever have to do that again. ~Nikki
Author SMF Posted July 30, 2004 Author Posted July 30, 2004 Gosh Nikki you are making me feel SOOO much better. Wow, I guess his email/calls came out of surprise for you but good for you for sticking to your guns. You aren't in a position to be friendly with an ex - that is always what the boy wants bc they do in fact miss the girl but they don't want the responsibility or obligation of having a relationship. One on hand I think that when people talk after a break up it clouds the air. When they don't it lends clarity. I actually DO not want to humiliate myself by calling/emailing, etc... SO I had instilled major self control into my life. I am starting to learn how to deal with the panic/tension that arises when I want to call or email. I want to resist the urges to helpe myself move along. Seems as though you have courageously survived! Over those 30 days were you hoping that he would connect with you? Did you resist urgest to contact him? I Truly think that that is the hardest part of ending a relationship.
Pained Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Let him call you. If he wants you back, or wants to communicate, he'll call. If he doesn't, you'll have your answer anyway. I know it sounds so simplistic, but that's what it boils down to.
Author SMF Posted July 30, 2004 Author Posted July 30, 2004 Thank you pained. Another question..... my ex bf flipped like a switch and one minute was saying how much he loved our relationship and then the next minute he said "its not there for him anymore". For some reason, I am having trouble believing that that is the truth. Do sometimes people say mean things to eliminate any false hope and allow the dumpee to move on quicker.... ? Also, my ex is losing his mind, so maybe I shouldn't put to much emphasis into anything that he saids or doesn't say.
Pained Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 It could just be that he's losing his mind or confused. I'd say just let him have his space. Ever notice that whatever you chase in life runs away?
nikkicam71 Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 I did hope that my ex would come back. Some days, I still do. It's difficult to let go, especially when you really believed that this was the person you would spend the rest of your life with...but I have a very definite level of self-respect. I am an awesome woman...any man would be lucky to have me. If he can't recognize that, then that is his loss, no matter HOW much I love him. He contacted me FREQUENTLY after our breakup, but it was with the wrong intention. He wanted to assauge his own guilt, he wanted to feel better about what he'd done...he really respected me as a person, and he KNEW I'd done nothing to deserve what he'd done. I gave friendship my best shot, but in the end, my own self-preservation and peace of mind was SO much more important. my love for him, as great as it is, will always be secondary. I love myself first and foremost. And he didn't value me for who I am. Demetri will recognize what he lost someday. I am 110% certain of that. By then, it will probably be too late. I am doing wonderful things with my life, and I'm meeting incredible people. There are different types of love in each lifetime...if he isn't "it", then he operated in my life in such a way as to move me closer to the one that is. Look at life that way...I promise it will make you so much happier. ~nikki
KyraAnne23 Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 Hi there. First of all, I just wanna say that I am not the type of person who sits back and waits for someone else. I do what I gotta do and say what I gotta say... I think that it is quite obvious that you love him. I also think that it's obvious that he has something deeper than issues with the 2 of you going on. I have heard many people say things about how long it takes for them to fall in love... Obviously some people can fall in love in a day and some take years. I think that if you want to be with him, then you should tell him that you don't need an "i love you" you need an "i want to be with you". Maybe that's not enough for you, but God knows I would be thrilled if I could get that much out of my guy. I would definitley call him up in a few weeks if I was you. Men can be quite stubborn and you have no idea how long it would take for him to get back to you. All you have to do is say what is in your heart and if he still balks at the idea of being with you and "reconsidering" then at least you know and you don't have to sit around wondering for months whether or not he's going to be in touch. Once he expresses himself then the ball is in your court as far as whether or not you want him back.. I wish you the very best of luck in everything.. Kyra
Author SMF Posted August 1, 2004 Author Posted August 1, 2004 well, i called and thank goodness i did. it was the best thing that i could have done for myself. i asked him questions such as why he always spoke so much about our future and engagement and living together and he said he got "caught up". and that his feelings have faded. i feel completely betrayed but such a relief to know that this person is a liar as so so many times he looked at my face and lied to me about the way that he felt. i feel so much better that i contacted him and instead of thinking "why does this always happen to me and i hurt so much"- i say to myself- thank my lucky stars that i didn't end up living with him and or engaged and then this happened. someone gracefully intervened and set me free.
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