boblet Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 so, today has been 2 weeks of NC for me, tomorrow would be 2 months since we've broken up, after an almost 2 year relationship... just a bit of background... he was my first bf, i was his second gf, we just met out of the blue and immediately hit things off... he's a sweet guy, shy, honest, humble, ambitious, upfront, not possessive... we always had so much in common but for the past 3 or 4 months, our issues became the focal point... he always told me that i was too negative and pessimistic, which was true to an extent.. to be honest, i won't say it's a personality characteristic, but more of how i adjusted to a new culture, since i only moved here from another country 3 years ago, i'll admit, the cultural adjustment, loneliness, etc. did get the better of me at times. i was a bit of a nag at times, sometimes i'd have mood swings and all that, but for the most part, we always had good chemistry and i thought we cared deeply for one another. anyway, he did things that got to me at times too, he always kept me separate from friends and family :S with no real explanation, except that he liked to keep them separate... i've hung out with his friends once, in 2 years. he's kind of a private guy and likes to keep it between us but come to think of it now, i think that's a bit ridiculous, i don't think he considered how excluded it made me feel. after 2 years, he's never said "i love you", and i've never really been the type to pressure him into saying it, i never focussed on it much, but damn! i really realize now how much of an issue it was to express himself. one major thing, he cheated on me one time, while he was drunk at a club, and he knew i was there, moments before i was sitting on his lap and taking shots, left to check my friends and came back to see him kissing a girl. it's not something i forgot, but at the time i chose to forgive him for it because i thought our relationship had potential beyond a drunken mistake. i wonder now if i should have known that he didn't see my worth. anyway, things got really bad about 3 months back, we got into a huge argument and decided to talk things out, i agreed to be less negative (it's something i genuinely decided to do for myself, i've even seen a counsellor about it, not just because of him telling me about it), he decided that he'd be more expressive, because he can be and he has already, just he chose not to at times although he knew how important it was to me. so after this, i had to leave the country for a month and this is when things fell apart. i made a conscious effort not to be negative and complain, i did it for myself and not only cuz it bugged him, but he really showed no interest in compromising for me, it was difficult dealing with it miles away by myself, especially since he was a huge support system for me. it made me angry that he wasn't trying and i began acting up, and he decided to break up with me, bringing up the whole negativity thing and how i was acting, when really i was just reacting to how he was acting, he agreed to compromise and did the opposite. he said he still cared for me and wanted to be a part of my life, and still wants to know how i'm doing. i still care about him so much, but i couldn't hold a normal conversation with him, without bringing up all the questions i had. i deleted him off everything, which i think he took offense to, he has a lot of pride and is super stubborn, so i wonder if it's gonna make him move on faster, or if it would make him forget about me or see me in a more negative light (i know it should be about me but i just can't help but wonder). i totally accept the mistakes i've made, but he keeps focussing on everything i've done wrong in our relationship, placing all the blame on me, bringing up past issues we resolved wayyy back. i know he's trying so hard to see everything wrong about me and our relationship so that he could move on faster, it hurts knowing that it may actually work for him, and he'd remember me in a bad light, although i've always been affectionate and always showed him how much i cared n how much he was on my mind, even from miles away. i know i pissed him off at times, but some of the things he's told me really shook me up... he referred to me as "someone i'd once do anything for".. sometimes when i messaged with questions he made comments like "this is why i broke up so i won't have to deal with this" and "i love how i could sit back and ignore all of this now". it really broke my heart since i've been loving and loyal all this time. when i returned after a month, he never asked when i was coming back or expressed any interest in seeing me, he saw me to break up with me in person, and we ended up hooking up one time after that. i'm trying to be strong with the whole NC, it breaks my heart so much that he's 5 minutes away from me everyday and doesn't want to see me, after all this time. i hate preoccupying myself with all these questions, i can't help but wonder, would he regret letting go of me after i've been good to him despite my flaws? would he regret some of the mean things he's said to me? will NC help him move on faster? don't get me wrong, i'm doing NC because everytime i talk to him, it ends up frustrating me and i just want to walk away with my dignity, not as a needy ex who can't face reality.. i just wish this persistent longing and questions would stop bugging me sometimes..
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