missgangrene Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 People always talk about how they continue to date the same type of man/woman over and over, or that they have no success with dating because they run into the same problems with different people. I'm beginning to wonder if it's because there's something we're doing (consciously or not) to get the attention of the same "type" repeatedly. For example, I can fit the type of men I repeatedly attract into 3 generic categories: #1- The Emotionally Unavailable Guy. This guy usually shows extreme interest in the beginning and there's immediate chemistry, but then when I reveal my feelings, he goes cold. Throughout the courtship (if you can even call it that LOL), he goes from hot to cold without warning. By the time we stop talking to each other, I usually feel angry and somewhat used. #2- The Super Nice, Super Bland Guy. This is the guy who your parents would love because he's great on paper----everything about him is stable and normal. He also usually has no personality, no sense of humor, and is boring as hell. I usually spend the entire time during the courtship alternating between annoyance and guilt because I wish I could will some sort of connection and/or chemistry. In the end, this guy usually becomes a friend. #3- The Married Guy. This guy is the most annoying of all, because he's so persistent and charming, not to mention that he shouldn't even exist in the dating world. In my experience, they usually conceal their married status, lavish you with attention, and seem too good to be true. Which turns out to be right. :laugh:This interaction usually ends with me feeling insanely guilty, full of shame, and with an overall pessimistic view of men. So my question is...how do you change who you attract? Especially if you're unaware of what you're doing to attract certain types in the first place... 3
iris219 Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I am the queen of #1 and #3. Especially #3. I never meet emotionally available or single men.* I also attract really young guys and really old guys.* I'd be thrilled to meet a boring, nice guy who is my age, single, and interested in a relationship! 2
Ami1uwant Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I am the queen of #1 and #3. Especially #3. I never meet emotionally available or single men.* I also attract really young guys and really old guys.* I'd be thrilled to meet a boring, nice guy who is my age, single, and interested in a relationship! I'm not sure of your age but. Guess I would be close to the boring nice guy.....sorry about that... There also are other common traits with bong/ nice guys you should know. They repect you and look at you as equals not as sex objects. They are great to beng friends with you. They may very well have a wild side but they have to be comfortable to reveal it.
Ami1uwant Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 People always talk about how they continue to date the same type of man/woman over and over, or that they have no success with dating because they run into the same problems with different people. I'm beginning to wonder if it's because there's something we're doing (consciously or not) to get the attention of the same "type" repeatedly. For example, I can fit the type of men I repeatedly attract into 3 generic categories: #1- The Emotionally Unavailable Guy. This guy usually shows extreme interest in the beginning and there's #2- The Super Nice, Super Bland Guy. This is the guy who your parents would love because he's great on #3- The Married Guy. This guy is the most annoying of all, because he's so persistent and charming, So my question is...how do you change who you attract? Especially if you're unaware of what you're doing to attract certain types in the first place... The married guy knows he has nothing to lose because he already has something at hme. You instead are a conquest or mountain to limb so he will freely throw stuff out there without worry if yo reject him. The emotionally unavailable...he likes the art of the chase and the conquest but doesn't want the baggage. You dumping on him your problems isn't fun. Like I said before you are a inquest, it's a game and he knows there is others out there that he can get easily.
mesmerized Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I think most men fit in one of those categories. What youre basically saying is that you are attracting men over and over. Lol 1
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I have dated all of them and I am starting to think there are like no decent men out there it's really hopeless and sad. 1
Author missgangrene Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 (edited) I think most men fit in one of those categories. What youre basically saying is that you are attracting men over and over. Lol OMG, this is what I did not want to hear! So...those are my choices? Sigh. Ami1uwant, I agree with your analysis. You know, I keep trying with the "nice guy" not because I'm expecting a wild side, but just...I don't know. If they weren't boring, I feel like there would be something there. Maybe I'm fooling myself. iris219, I'm glad it's not just me...especially with #3. I've been wondering if I give off some sort of secret mistress vibe or something. Edited October 20, 2012 by missgangrene Grammar
Author missgangrene Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 Gotta be something we unconsciously do... So you' have to start at the root, your thinking. And, get out of your comfort-zone a little. As soon as you meet someone that fits into the category above, dismiss 'em, as you already know that story. I meant to respond to this earlier...yes, I think it's definitely unconscious which makes it all the more frustrating. I have gotten better at spotting the type as I've gotten older, but what sucks is that it seems like avoiding these 3 types has eliminated most men who I come into contact with.
Ami1uwant Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 OMG, this is what I did not want to hear! So...those are my choices? Sigh. Ami1uwant, I agree with your analysis. You know, I keep trying with the "nice guy" not because I'm expecting a wild side, but just...I don't know. If they weren't boring, I feel like there would be something there. Maybe I'm fooling myself. iris219, I'm glad it's not just me...especially with #3. I've been wondering if I give off some sort of secret mistress vibe or something. What is boring to you? What is exciting to you? Part of this could be you? A nice guy also out of respect for her doesn't want to decide what the dates will involve. They want more input from you. They may be of the type of doing dinner and movie which gets boring. But you aren't telling him directly about your interest in going to the theater.
GirlontheLam Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Oops, I was thinking you meant a different type But I do notice that where I live, when black men (that are you know of appropriate age and that I would talk to) hit on me (and I am black, live in California), there is an 80% chance they did not grow up in CA. It is pretty much a guarantee they are from the South or the East Coast. (No appropriate for this thread, but I can think of quite a few reasons why.). Black guy from CA hitting on me? I fall out of my chair. As for the list above, I apparently always have crazy chemistry with #3 unfortunately. Or his 1st cousin, my I am currently in a serious long term relationship.
todreaminblue Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 People always talk about how they continue to date the same type of man/woman over and over, or that they have no success with dating because they run into the same problems with different people. I'm beginning to wonder if it's because there's something we're doing (consciously or not) to get the attention of the same "type" repeatedly. For example, I can fit the type of men I repeatedly attract into 3 generic categories: #1- The Emotionally Unavailable Guy. This guy usually shows extreme interest in the beginning and there's immediate chemistry, but then when I reveal my feelings, he goes cold. Throughout the courtship (if you can even call it that LOL), he goes from hot to cold without warning. By the time we stop talking to each other, I usually feel angry and somewhat used. #2- The Super Nice, Super Bland Guy. This is the guy who your parents would love because he's great on paper----everything about him is stable and normal. He also usually has no personality, no sense of humor, and is boring as hell. I usually spend the entire time during the courtship alternating between annoyance and guilt because I wish I could will some sort of connection and/or chemistry. In the end, this guy usually becomes a friend. #3- The Married Guy. This guy is the most annoying of all, because he's so persistent and charming, not to mention that he shouldn't even exist in the dating world. In my experience, they usually conceal their married status, lavish you with attention, and seem too good to be true. Which turns out to be right. :laugh:This interaction usually ends with me feeling insanely guilty, full of shame, and with an overall pessimistic view of men. So my question is...how do you change who you attract? Especially if you're unaware of what you're doing to attract certain types in the first place... I think people attract all types its who we pick that counts a lot of potential dates can be the opposite of who they really are i dont particularly like interrogating and manipulating to find out true colours would rather concentrate on having fun and letting my guard down thats why i friend zone.......which apparently isnt the thing to do ....even when i have friend zoned didnt stop em from finding cheats...in fact my ex didn't have sex at all while he was in my friend zone 2 years......six months later when we had a committed relationship he felt the need to cheat....so it just goes to show...no matter what precautions you take if a person is going to cheat or do the wrong thing....it will happen.....and you cant always know who is going to do it.....circumstance opportunity all play into it....chance meetings....I still believe in getting to know someone....in a friend zone.....i chose the wrong guys but that doesnt the next guy will be wrong for me......but then i have changed quite a lot so there's hope i guess I have clarity on what i accept and what i dont....before i become a crazy llama owner theres always hope......deb 1
El Brujo Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Yes I do attract the same type over and over. They're always fat and old enough to be my aunt, and they all have kids. I hate that.
xxoo Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 #3 probably was #1 before he married.... But there are a world of men who are #2 (#2.... heehee). Most of them will not be your match, but some of them will. A few of those "boring" guys will be a great match for you, and you'll connect of some level and fall in love. He'll be stable to you, "boring" to someone else, but you'll also have this great connection in *whatever* that excites the two of you when you are together. 1
ThaWholigan Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I attract bad girls for some strange reason. I don't really mind that, but I have to be wary . 3
HeldbyGravity Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Sort of. They're all at least a little nerdy, all bright, all sensitive in their own ways (though some would never admit to it!). In body, I've attracted Very different guys. All ethnicities, younger than I and older, some with short hair and some with long. You can't really change who you attract if you stay the same person. You Can be less flirty or friendly until you know if someone is single, that'll help with the married thing! I have no clue what kind of person a "bland" guy or an "unattached" guy is interested in though!
Minka333 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I always attract the jealous, possessive, controlling and obsessive kind.* I guess it has something to do with me coz' i'm super independent, free-spirited, feisty, restless, very friendly, dominant and non-clingy type of girl. They always want to tame me...and are challenged by my behaviour. I am not sure if my dad has something to do with this coz' he is also one to my mom. 1
carhill Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 So my question is...how do you change who you attract? Especially if you're unaware of what you're doing to attract certain types in the first place... I ran into the issue you describe, from a man's perspective, for about 20 years until I literally altered the venue of pursuit and gave up on local as a potential. Prior, I was attracting what I was attracting because that's all there was, due to my area having more men than women in the relevant age group. Combined with that was my own responsibility for not forcefully tooting my own horn, preferring to live a pretty successful life under the radar of women's notice. Hence, promising prospects passed me by for a more obviously successful man. I own that issue. I resolved my own issues but still see no real positives to the local dynamic, so will either move residence or distance date if/when I decide to become involved romantically in the future. I've got friends in other locales and visits have proven to show more potentials which match up with my style, so I accept that. My only suggesting for a woman who appears to be attracting inappropriate men is to become more aggressive about 'tooting her own horn' and proactively selecting and approaching men herself whom have been vetted as potentially compatible. This is where having a diverse social circle can help. In my case, such a circle creates more opportunities to pursue compatible women as women in my age group invariably are 'traditional' in such matters, so there is really no question about who pursues who. Good luck.
iris219 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 You Can be less flirty or friendly until you know if someone is single, that'll help with the married thing! This is the strange thing for me. I'm not overtly friendly or naturally flirty, yet married guys (and guys in long term relationships) love me. I've had them figure out where I work and harass me. I had one guy claim he left his wife for me, and he was really upset when I refused to go out with him. I had no interest in him and I'm not sure why he thought I would--we hardy even knew each other. I seem to make some men regret their relationships. I can't, however, find a single man to save my life.
Charlie Harper Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I have always been treated like a small boy, weirdly enough they call my little charlie or johnnie and I am 2 years away from 50 !!! Most women hit on me because I am flirty, funny and always have great rapport with people. Women tend to be possessive with me and I hate jealous women, I am not jealous so I cant be played with, but I grasp that one of my biggest problems has been dealing with trust, because I always have had tons of friends (women), and possessive women. Also I tend to attract Blondes I dont know why... but yes we attract the same kind of people on a subliminal level.
threebyfate Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 People always talk about how they continue to date the same type of man/woman over and over, or that they have no success with dating because they run into the same problems with different people. I'm beginning to wonder if it's because there's something we're doing (consciously or not) to get the attention of the same "type" repeatedly. For example, I can fit the type of men I repeatedly attract into 3 generic categories: #1- The Emotionally Unavailable Guy. This guy usually shows extreme interest in the beginning and there's immediate chemistry, but then when I reveal my feelings, he goes cold. Throughout the courtship (if you can even call it that LOL), he goes from hot to cold without warning. By the time we stop talking to each other, I usually feel angry and somewhat used. #2- The Super Nice, Super Bland Guy. This is the guy who your parents would love because he's great on paper----everything about him is stable and normal. He also usually has no personality, no sense of humor, and is boring as hell. I usually spend the entire time during the courtship alternating between annoyance and guilt because I wish I could will some sort of connection and/or chemistry. In the end, this guy usually becomes a friend. #3- The Married Guy. This guy is the most annoying of all, because he's so persistent and charming, not to mention that he shouldn't even exist in the dating world. In my experience, they usually conceal their married status, lavish you with attention, and seem too good to be true. Which turns out to be right. :laugh:This interaction usually ends with me feeling insanely guilty, full of shame, and with an overall pessimistic view of men. So my question is...how do you change who you attract? Especially if you're unaware of what you're doing to attract certain types in the first place...Women give men signals to approach. Guy #1 and #3 are the same guy. Emotionally unavailable. Guy #2 isn't a threat to your singledom. Instead of looking at the guys as the problem, might not be a bad time to consider why you're signalling men who don't really threaten your freedom. Do you have any trust issues? 2
mesmerized Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I attract bad girls for some strange reason. I don't really mind that, but I have to be wary . Are you saying Im a bad girl? fiesty, maybe...not sure about bad, guess it depends what you mean by that. : p 1
goldengirl11 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I'm 34 (although people tell me I look in my mid to late twenties) and seem to continuously meet #1 who I fall for usually because of their looks if I'm honest, or I get these older guys approaching me i.e in their mid 40's/early 50's. I rarely seem to meet #2 who I'm into enough or vice versa.
irc333 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Funny how you complain in regards to #2, when in fact that's the kind of guy you should be dating. Of course you hear how "if the parents approve" it's a deal breaker for the daughter. It's a shame, because I was always the guy the PARENTS approved of...and , to be quite honest, I was on the side of the parents. And it was crying shame/waste when a woman wouldn't at least take their parents advise for a change, and date me...and be absolutely thankful that she should be dating me. I highly advise it. This "boring" nice guy complaints I keep seeing are usually by someone who bores easily, and someone who laments on the "#2 type" of men they keep meeting, is just a reflection on how they probably grew up very spoiled. They tend to get bored of things easily, kind of a way a child gets bored of a new toy...and wants the next best thing. Never satisfied.
zanesfan Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I always seem to attract #1 and then on occasion #2. Rarely #3 thank goodness. With me, when I do find a guy that wants what I want, who I think will make a great husband, and is good for me on paper. I normally run for the hills. I always find something about them that turns me off. I seem to thrive in dysfunction. The guys who are a pos are the ones I am trying to prove my love too. Not because I love them but its a challenge for me. With guy #2, there is no challenge. The thrill of them wanting me is already over. I will be so happy for the day when my train of thought disappears.
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