carhill Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Is she right and should I maybe just stop expecting a woman to be faithful and just tell her to go and do what she wants? Your mom triggered a childhood tape with her comments; that's all. Am I crushing her spirit? If you're talking about your wife, presuming from the thread title, you don't really talk much about your marriage, from my readings, so I really have no opinion. I would opine that, if your posting tone here leaks into your daily interactions, it could have an effect on her, even if not directly by words. Am I a patriarchal bully for punishing my ex for daring to take care of her sexual needs? Unclear but anything relevant to your ex is in the past, good or bad, so the work is to accept it as the past and leave it there. 3
Author Woggle Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 I just notice that whenever men here post on what kind of women they want they are always accused of wanting a 1950s stereotype yet my wife is everything that feminists claim to be against so is she what a feminist would consider a stepford wife? I always hear women saying that real men love a strong and independent woman but at the same time I rejected my strong and independent ex so am I not a real man?
2sunny Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 There's no reason to place your wife in a certain stereotypical box... She is what she is - if you enjoy her for who she is - let it be just that.
Got it Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Woggle, seems to me your woman issue is with your mother and not with the female romantic partners in your life. You really need to examine THAT relationship and why it triggers you like it does. Your premise is sadly ridiculous and I am afraid that you and your current wife are going to be collateral damage because of it. Your mother is toxic. Look at that relationship and the impact she has had on you and your view of women. I would also look at your fear of being happy and being vulnerable to happiness. Are you afraid if you let your guard down you will get hurt again? If so I pity you and your seemingly wonderful wife.
Author Woggle Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 This sounds really stupid but I am afraid that in rejecting a strong woman in favor of a kinder and nicer woman I really am the weak man my mother says I am.
Anela Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 This sounds really stupid but I am afraid that in rejecting a strong woman in favor of a kinder and nicer woman I really am the weak man my mother says I am. Kindness is a strength. The two go hand in hand, quite often. I usually get along with my mother, and it kills me when I think she thinks ill of me. I just can't imagine having been brought up by your mother. 2
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Things will get much better once you stop listening to the demons in your head (aka the stuff your mom says or has said to you) and listen to your heart, and see what's in front of you. I really wish that you'd see what we're all seeing. If you can't pro actively change and make big efforts daily to push out those negative thoughts, Woggle your marriage is going to fall apart and again it won't be your wife's fault, it'll be all yours. She's done nothing wrong. Maybe it's time to talk to your wife and let her hear your fears and worries. In the meantime, I posted to you on the previous page. Do that list. If you don't want to do it on here that's fine, but do it for yourself.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 This sounds really stupid but I am afraid that in rejecting a strong woman in favor of a kinder and nicer woman I really am the weak man my mother says I am. You're not a weak man by embracing a woman who is kind hearted, nice and gentle. Many men would love to have a loving wife at home! Appreciate what you have. God forbid something happens (knock on wood) to your wife - I think you'd be in total guilt and regret by not living life and live the fullest each day with your wife. Instead you're obsessing about past crap and letting your mom influence you. Woggle are you still doing therapy? If not, GO back. And bring your wife too. 1
Author Woggle Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 I know kindness is a strength but all I hear from her is that no strong women treats a man well and that my ex is the pinnacle of what a tough woman should be.
Author Woggle Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 You're not a weak man by embracing a woman who is kind hearted, nice and gentle. Many men would love to have a loving wife at home! Appreciate what you have. God forbid something happens (knock on wood) to your wife - I think you'd be in total guilt and regret by not living life and live the fullest each day with your wife. Instead you're obsessing about past crap and letting your mom influence you. Woggle are you still doing therapy? If not, GO back. And bring your wife too. But can a woman be loving and strong and indendent at the same time. I hear on this board all the time that real men embrace strong and independent women so I wonder am I not a real man for rejecting my ex.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I know kindness is a strength but all I hear from her is that no strong women treats a man well and that my ex is the pinnacle of what a tough woman should be. Again, please hear what I'm saying and what everybody else is saying. What your mom thinks DOES NOT MATTER. Stop letting her influence you. Your ex W was a crazy person, she still is! CUT your mom out of your life. Take a deep breath because I know you're freaking out right now. Don't make matters worse by focusing on the bad stuff. Read all the great replies, the positive remarks by us all. Can you please try to do that Woggle? 1
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 But can a woman be loving and strong and indendent at the same time. I hear on this board all the time that real men embrace strong and independent women so I wonder am I not a real man for rejecting my ex. Yes. My mom is just that. My sister is just that. Many of my friends and neighbours are just like that too. I AM like that. You are a real man for rejecting your crazy assed x wife. You are a real man for taking another chance and remarrying someone else. The wife you have now IS the one for you! Don't let your mom or anybody else make you doubt that! Okay? A woman can be strong, independent and loving. Without being mean, manipulative or cruel. Your wife is proof of this, as am I and many other women on LS as well. Believe this. 1
2sunny Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I know kindness is a strength but all I hear from her is that no strong women treats a man well and that my ex is the pinnacle of what a tough woman should be. But can a woman be loving and strong and indendent at the same time. I hear on this board all the time that real men embrace strong and independent women so I wonder am I not a real man for rejecting my ex. Strong and independent women love men all the time and treat them with kindness and respect. Stop trying to sabotage what's good in your life! A self fulfilled prophecy may come round - lets hope not. Strong women treat men well all the time - where are you hearing this crap? 1
Nightsky Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 To me Woggle you seem like a feminist. You see your mom was throwing out some lame feminist insult at you and your wife and here you are spending time worrying and thinking about it. Wondering if you're just dating some weak "yes sir" robot/alien of a women to weak to stand up to you and "the patriarchy" haha. Your mom really screwed you up. Does that make her a good mother? While I'd cry like a baby when I'd scrape my knee or what ever as a child my mom would be kind to me and love me does that make my mom weak? Your mom spent your life telling you how bad you were because of your sex does that make her strong? Feminist seek to have women seen as minority special interest. They seek through the state to fix all their problems. For all intensive purposes they seek to marry the state. Does that make them strong independent women? Bottom line your mom has issues. Why would you question your wifes motives for being with you like this. It's flat out rude. "You're only with me because you're some stepford wife weak women and I'm a weak man because I don't go after strong old ladies like feminist say I should." You really think that don't you! Are you a feminist?
melodymatters Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 But can a woman be loving and strong and indendent at the same time. I hear on this board all the time that real men embrace strong and independent women so I wonder am I not a real man for rejecting my ex. Wogs, I am hell on wheels. I have my own career I am beyond outspoken, I smoke, drink and cuss like a sailor, I broke a bikers jaw with one right hook. BUT...BUT BUT BUT, I treat my husband like a king ! He treats me so well, is so kind and loving, that it is natural for me to want to take care of him, cook for him, rub his back, wash his clothes, tell him he's amazing. I will not do anything that would cause my husband even a moment of jealousy, even if it means less time with certain friends. Tell MY MOM that "I'm a Stepford wife" and she will fall to the ground in laughter. The point is : WOMEN CAN BE BOTH LOVING AND STRONG. And yeah, YOUR mom is a psycho c*nt, and I suggest you tell her that. Take back the power Wogs ! 2
xxoo Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I always hear women saying that real men love a strong and independent woman but at the same time I rejected my strong and independent ex so am I not a real man? Your ex was weak. She couldn't control herself. She acted impulsively, criminally, pathetically. Your mother is equally weak. Abusers tend to be weak at core; that's why they seek to control weaker subjects. Your wife is a strong, independent woman. She knows that she can support herself, and control herself. She doesn't feel a need to control and manipulate you. Do you think that we women believe a "real man" would choose a woman like your ex? No! We mean that a "real man" wouldn't need to manipulate and control (like your ex did). A "real man" would choose a woman who can stand up for herself, and won't tolerate controlling bs (like your wife!). 2
2sunny Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 When someone in real life doesn't bring joy and happiness to my life - I don't spend time and energy ALLOWING them to suck the life out of me. You've ALLOWED this from your Mom and your exW. Your exW is a druggy and your Mom proves to be terribly mean. There's not one reason you've ever stated over the years that would make me believe staying connected to either one is a good idea...unless you're a masochist. Cut them out! The sooner the better!
sweetjasmine Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 One of the things my mother told me in that last conversation we had Quick question - when exactly is the last time you spoke to your mother? If the answer is what I think it is, don't you think it's a problem that this is still bouncing around your head? And for the record, to be absolutely clear, your ex is not "strong." She's literally a lunatic CRIMINAL with serious problems. There is absolutely nothing weak about treating someone you care about with kindness and affection. Your wife is not weak, and your mother is a f-ing lunatic. Your ex tried to kill you, and you think your mother may have a point about how your ex is better than your wife? Come on, Wogs. You still have a lot of healing left to do. I hope you can keep moving forward instead of stepping back into it over and over. 2
Author Woggle Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 I spoke to my mother a couple weeks ago because she wanted to tell me about cutting me out of her will. I know everybody is right and I have to step letting this crap control me and from now I will at least make a good effort. 3
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I spoke to my mother a couple weeks ago because she wanted to tell me about cutting me out of her will. I know everybody is right and I have to step letting this crap control me and from now I will at least make a good effort. You don't need anything she has - Money or material wise. I really hope you give it your best Woggle. You need to do this, otherwise all this bad shi.t will continue to eat you up and really ruin things (marriage) in your life.
2sunny Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I would treat Mom and the exW as if they never existed. 2
Got it Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 But can a woman be loving and strong and indendent at the same time. I hear on this board all the time that real men embrace strong and independent women so I wonder am I not a real man for rejecting my ex. But your ex wasn't loving. You can be strong, independent and kind. There are many women like that. Does your wife make you happy. When you see her, do you smile. Does she help make you a better man? Has your life been enriched and made better by having her in it? If so, why are you second thinking things at all. Why on earth are you listening to naysayers?
quankanne Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 This sounds really stupid but I am afraid that in rejecting a strong woman in favor of a kinder and nicer woman I really am the weak man my mother says I am. how is it weak to be happy with someone who is good to you? Your wife doesn't sound like a stepford wife, but someone who respects your relationship because she loves you. Someone completely different from the kind of person your mom and your first wife are. Woggle, there are going to be people in your life (family, friends, coworkers) who are emotional vampires who do whatever they can to feed off your energy to make themselves feel better for being such sh*tty people. Do you really want to let them dictate your life by triggering these thoughts? Are they really worth your time? the faster you drop them, the faster your life becomes drama-free and you can focus on the happy life you and Mrs. Woggle are building. You deserve to be happy, not the target of an unhappy emotional vampire. Just walk away ... as for being left out of the will, it's not necessarily a bad thing, because then you're not beholden to her (well, in HER mind, you're beholden). As long as she knows she can push your buttons, she's got the kind of control over you that she claims you have over your wife. Do your really want to live the rest of your life chained to that? Again, just. walk. away. you'll be waaaaay happier, and you've more than earned that happiness. 2
quankanne Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA ... next time she calls, ask her if this means she's put you back in the will. Because if not, she shouldn't be bothering you :laugh::laugh: sorry ... being bitchy, but with cause ... 1
freestyle Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Wogs--I sense that the recent events with both your exW, and your mother have triggered this. This is my observation-- You're looking at things through your mother's warped, distorted, vision--Instead of through your OWN eyes. (as you were trained to do as a child--from what you've shared about her abusive nature & actions, your very safety & survival depended on NOT upsetting her. With a personality type like hers, ANY disagreement with her point of view was grounds for punishment........) Your reactions are a result of years of that kind of conditioning--it etches very deep grooves in the psyche. The kind that are hard to climb out of, when you fall back into them---but the only way you're going to see clearly is to climb out...... 1
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