How do I him down easy? Casual dating but honesty doesn't seem to get me anywhere...

[quartz88]

I've been seeing a guy for a month - I've posted here before; we work nearby (although in separate companies) and became friendly during a conference out of town. He wasn't necessarily my type, but seemed SO sweet was putting in a massive effort to get to talk to me, so I decided to see where things would go.

 

Long story short, we went out on 3 dates and then - oddly - transitioned into more of a casual FWB scenario. This was partially my doing, because although I was very comfortable hanging out with him, I identified some lifestyle/values differences (politics, drinking) that would make it difficult for us to be together in the long run. I explained this early on, but didn't do a good job of stepping back and cutting off contact.

 

We have ridiculous physical chemistry. It's not something I saw coming right away, but we're oddly comfortable around each other. No, we haven't slept together - but there has been plenty of steamy talk and fooling around.

 

I kissed him first. But I've also been the one playing "hot and cold" because there's a part of me that really likes this guy, and part that doesn't.

 

I don't feel this is fair for him, and frankly, it's annoying me, too.

 

I'm not sure if I'm being too picky, or if I'm justified in identifying the things that irk me this early on (friends have lectured me to "give it time" and just have fun, but usually I either hit it off with someone right away, or not). Here are a few of the points:

 

• He talks A LOT about his exes. In one case, he criticized the guy one of them ended up marrying. And he's called several of them "needy," which is a red flag in my book. It takes two to tango and bitterness is never attractive.
  
• He seems more attached than I do. I've had to repeatedly ask for space after he showed up unnanounced at my work when I was having a hormonal meltdown, and kept saying he "wanted to see me" when I'm in the middle of preparing a presentation for an overseas trip (which he is fully aware of).
  
• Conversationally, it's not as much of a 2-way street as I'm used to. He follows up everything I say with a statement about him. Not in the usual "sharing" way, but more like one-upmanship: i.e., I was talking about my sister who's a conservatory-trained musician in Chicago and had auditioned for a local orchestra, but hadn't advanced (those auditions are really tough, and she has advanced in others). His response was, "Yeah, my ex auditioned for that group in 2007. It was kind of weird having her in town. But she did pretty well in the audition because she's really good." WTF??
  
• I don't laugh the way I have in prior relationships. I'm a little jaded, though, because I've had two scenarios that were "Nora Ephron could have scripted this" perfect. Most of the guys I click with are a little more sarcastic and funny than this guy. But again, I don't know if I'm being too picky.
  

 

On the POSITIVE side, despite our conversational differences, we manage to spend several hours on the phone. And he's really, really comforting and sweet in person, and seems totally charmed by me - he keeps mentioning how he's excited for me to meet his friends, etc.

 

And I'll admit that the attention is flattering. It's been a while since I've been physical or romantic with anyone because I've been so focused on work these past few years.

 

I've told him that ultimately, I'm not looking for a grey area/FWB scenario, and he says he's isn't, either. He seemed disappointed the first time I explained that there was a certain "X-Factor" missing for me. I gather he has gone along with the current casual state of things because he still gets the physical benefits, and the companionship.

 

Everytime we make out/fool around and talk about physical things, it's great. But then I immediately shift back the other way and think about all of the things that aren't perfect about our connection. I've told him a few of the things he's said have rubbed me the wrong way, and frankly, the ex talk is a big turn-off.

 

But everytime I try to bring up distancing myself from him, he says he's "not ready to walk away" from me. At all. And seems delighted when I secondguess myself and agree to see what develops. Only I know what will happen: we'll continue to hookup and spend time together, and I'll be annoyed and wonder if there's a guy better suited to me out there.

 

We've had roughly 3 of these serious "talks" but I don't seem to be getting my point across. And he's admitted that he's walking on eggshells because he never knows how often to contact me during the week and doesn't want to push things.

 

HOW do I explain this to him in a way that's final, but not totally ego bruising?!

[quartz88]

I'm sorry for the bump - but I'm planning on trying to talk to this guy later tonight or early tomorrow, so any advice is greatly appreciated!

 

To boil my long post down to the main point: What do you tell someone when "this is not working out" isn't enough? He always seems to ask for specifics and I don't feel as if anyone ever wants 1000% honesty.

 

thank you!

[JayL]

I've been seeing a guy for a month - I've posted here before; we work nearby (although in separate companies) and became friendly during a conference out of town. He wasn't necessarily my type, but seemed SO sweet was putting in a massive effort to get to talk to me, so I decided to see where things would go.

 

Long story short, we went out on 3 dates and then - oddly - transitioned into more of a casual FWB scenario. This was partially my doing, because although I was very comfortable hanging out with him, I identified some lifestyle/values differences (politics, drinking) that would make it difficult for us to be together in the long run. I explained this early on, but didn't do a good job of stepping back and cutting off contact.

 

We have ridiculous physical chemistry. It's not something I saw coming right away, but we're oddly comfortable around each other. No, we haven't slept together - but there has been plenty of steamy talk and fooling around.

 

I kissed him first. But I've also been the one playing "hot and cold" because there's a part of me that really likes this guy, and part that doesn't.

 

I don't feel this is fair for him, and frankly, it's annoying me, too.

 

I'm not sure if I'm being too picky, or if I'm justified in identifying the things that irk me this early on (friends have lectured me to "give it time" and just have fun, but usually I either hit it off with someone right away, or not). Here are a few of the points:

 

• He talks A LOT about his exes. In one case, he criticized the guy one of them ended up marrying. And he's called several of them "needy," which is a red flag in my book. It takes two to tango and bitterness is never attractive.
  
• He seems more attached than I do. I've had to repeatedly ask for space after he showed up unnanounced at my work when I was having a hormonal meltdown, and kept saying he "wanted to see me" when I'm in the middle of preparing a presentation for an overseas trip (which he is fully aware of).
  
• Conversationally, it's not as much of a 2-way street as I'm used to. He follows up everything I say with a statement about him. Not in the usual "sharing" way, but more like one-upmanship: i.e., I was talking about my sister who's a conservatory-trained musician in Chicago and had auditioned for a local orchestra, but hadn't advanced (those auditions are really tough, and she has advanced in others). His response was, "Yeah, my ex auditioned for that group in 2007. It was kind of weird having her in town. But she did pretty well in the audition because she's really good." WTF??
  
• I don't laugh the way I have in prior relationships. I'm a little jaded, though, because I've had two scenarios that were "Nora Ephron could have scripted this" perfect. Most of the guys I click with are a little more sarcastic and funny than this guy. But again, I don't know if I'm being too picky.
  

 

On the POSITIVE side, despite our conversational differences, we manage to spend several hours on the phone. And he's really, really comforting and sweet in person, and seems totally charmed by me - he keeps mentioning how he's excited for me to meet his friends, etc.

 

And I'll admit that the attention is flattering. It's been a while since I've been physical or romantic with anyone because I've been so focused on work these past few years.

 

I've told him that ultimately, I'm not looking for a grey area/FWB scenario, and he says he's isn't, either. He seemed disappointed the first time I explained that there was a certain "X-Factor" missing for me. I gather he has gone along with the current casual state of things because he still gets the physical benefits, and the companionship.

 

Everytime we make out/fool around and talk about physical things, it's great. But then I immediately shift back the other way and think about all of the things that aren't perfect about our connection. I've told him a few of the things he's said have rubbed me the wrong way, and frankly, the ex talk is a big turn-off.

 

But everytime I try to bring up distancing myself from him, he says he's "not ready to walk away" from me. At all. And seems delighted when I secondguess myself and agree to see what develops. Only I know what will happen: we'll continue to hookup and spend time together, and I'll be annoyed and wonder if there's a guy better suited to me out there.

 

We've had roughly 3 of these serious "talks" but I don't seem to be getting my point across. And he's admitted that he's walking on eggshells because he never knows how often to contact me during the week and doesn't want to push things.

 

HOW do I explain this to him in a way that's final, but not totally ego bruising?!

 

This sounds to me like my last relationship.

 

Her and I were together for 1.5 months, except we had a status, I was her boyfriend after 2 weeks.

 

In the end, she admitted that there was something missing.

 

She admitted that she was only 50% into the relationship, but could not pinpoint why when I asked her, so I assumed that maybe it was just too soon, that maybe she just needed time to warm up. She always mentioned to me that she is the type of person who needs awhile to fully warm up.

 

I tried to end it when 1 month clicked as I was getting tired of the "hot and cold". I walked away from her and she watched me walk away with a very sad face.

 

The next day, we talked.. she said she doesn't know if she wants me, but when I walked away, it made her realize that me leaving is not what she wanted either.

 

Things were good for the next few days, but I kept thinking and thinking of what really was going on. That night, I called her and told her "let's end this". She immediately rushed to my place, cried in front of me and said "why are you so black and white? can we just give it time and see if we can get there?" Due to my rapidly developing feelings towards her, the stupid me agreed.

 

Her and I went too fast that we got to the point that we met each others' families, her mother loves me and even cooked for me, invited me over for dinner, always asked if I was coming over to see her daughter that night so she can cook better food that night. It got to the point that my ex always compared me to her ex, that how I was such an improvement. Her mother introduced me to her own friends(the mother's friends) and said a lot of good things about me. My ex got to the point where she talked about me meeting her entire family this coming Christmas.

 

Another week passed by, we got into another argument as she again was going through the "cold" stage. That day, I lost it and said "I'm really tired of this, let's end this. I'm sick and tired of you stringing me along and messing with my head like this. It's either you're in it or you're not in it".

 

We had more talk when we both calmed down and she admitted that she's interested, that there's chemistry, BUT there is something missing, the connection. What kind of connection? Hell if I know... I wish I did.

 

If I were you, end it now and stop stringing him along.

 

From MY perspective, it's NOT fun.

 

I fell for this girl HARD within a very short period of time, so if this guy falls for you as hard or harder than I did with my ex, you're going to hurt him really bad.

 

Let him go.

 

Just because you are unsure of your feelings, it doesn't justify why you're continuing on with this guy and letting him go higher on his cloud 9. Do it now while he's still not that high up yet.

 

He will get hurt in the future anyway. So it's better you let him get hurt now while the knife isn't that deep in his heart yet.

Edited October 19, 2012 by JayL

[JayL]

Oh yeah... when you guys end it and cut all communication, and if one day you realize after meeting all these messed up men in our current society that nobody will ever treat you as good as the way this one treated you, then you might find "that" connection in time.

 

You may just be at the point in life where you really need to find out what you really are looking for. You may find an even more amazing connection and a totally complete chemistry with another man, but this man may not be treating you the way you want to be treated.

 

If that time comes and you realize that "this" current guy you're about to dump is best fit for you, if he's still around and if he's still interested, then it's you who should be initiating the first move.

 

I had this happen to me about 2 years ago. It was unfortunate that I was no longer interested in her when she came back a year later. She had her chance.

 

You at least have a valid point why you're getting turned off though... my last ex got turned off because "I'm too proper" and "I treat her so well", that she's used to her ex doing his own thing while she does her own thing. It's so f*cking weird.

Edited October 19, 2012 by JayL

[Ami1uwant]

I'm sorry for the bump - but I'm planning on trying to talk to this guy later tonight or early tomorrow, so any advice is greatly appreciated!

 

To boil my long post down to the main point: What do you tell someone when "this is not working out" isn't enough? He always seems to ask for specifics and I don't feel as if anyone ever wants 1000% honesty.

 

thank you!

 

I think you are overanalyzing the complaints with him.

His one upping you is him trying to tell you he understands from his own personal experience.

 

Him complaining about exs...this is where you can learn what he likes or dislikes. Same would be great with you in trying o explain your dislikes

 

You not liking him coming unannounced says you are hiding something. I understand if he's constantly doing this or he's interrupting you but the idea of what he is trying to do you hold appreciate.

[ms_daisy21]

One of my first relationships my friends had me convinced to overlook all of his flaws. He was a nice guy, but I was just not interested. Went out on several dates and I was getting less and less enthused about the whole situation. I didn't want to be with him, but I stayed out of guilt, because I knew he was really attached to me (STUPID).

 

A couple months later, I ended up hurting him when I finally had had enough and just called it quits. I regret putting him through that and would never do it again. I'm not proud of it and it's certainly not my finest moment.

 

Just let him go. Ask to see him. Telling him that you don't want to see him any more. Not an crap about "it's not working out" or "there's something missing." It's really hard to misinterpret, "I don't want to be with you."

 

He'll be angry, sad, whatever, but it's a clean break and that's what you need. It's what's best for both of you.

[quartz88]

I think you are overanalyzing the complaints with him. His one upping you is him trying to tell you he understands from his own personal experience.

 

You not liking him coming unannounced says you are hiding something.

 

I'm not hiding anything. This guy managed to make everything about himself, which was confirmed tonight after I went to talk to him in person, told him, "I don't see this working out longterm, and I can do this anymore," and after we were done talking, he asked me to stay for a little while and PROCEEDED TO SHOW ME 30 mins. of scenes from a movie he was an extra in back in 2001.

 

Sure, it was a cool experience for him. But it was 30 mins of him fast-forwarding on a Blu-Ray: "Here I am at 2:17 - see, that's me in the corner! Wait, I'm in the shot again over here. I am literally all over this movie! Look at MEEE!"

 

I didn't go into all the details because my post was long enough, but my concerns about this guy are valid. We're just VERY different. I listen to NPR, read a lot, rarely drink, and am left-leaning. He describes himself as being "not into books or movies," has a kegerator, centers his socializing around drinking, and his whole family is conservative.

 

And while I have a very high sex drive and am very open-minded and "game" when it comes to physical intimacy, his drive is through the roof and his porn consumption borders on...worrisome. And that's coming from someone who doesn't have a problem with those types of hobbies. But having dealt with someone who was in SAA, I know the signs and guys like that are usually rarely satisfied in monogamous relationships and let sex override everything in their lives.

 

Case in point, he genuinely seemed a little sad during our talk, and admitted he sometimes fought too hard to keep things alive that "weren't meant to be." He said I still appeared conflicted and was so happy to have met me...

 

...less than 1.5 hours later, I got an innuendo-laden text. Seriously - after we'd spoken about more serious topics, and he'd said repeatedly that it WASN'T about the physical stuff for him...it just proved my point.

 

And the sad thing is, he still wants to see me. Game over.

[CC12]

His one upping you is him trying to tell you he understands from his own personal experience.

 

It might be coming from a good place, but one-upping is obnoxious behavior. It's hard to tolerate that from friends/acquaintances, and it would be even worse if the one-upper is someone you're trying to have a romantic relationship with, where both parties should be equal.

 

Him complaining about exs...this is where you can learn what he likes or dislikes. Same would be great with you in trying o explain your dislikes

 

Complaining about exes is, again, obnoxious behavior.

 

You not liking him coming unannounced says you are hiding something.

 

That's a pretty unfair accusation. Dropping by unannounced is considered by many to be rude. Not appreciating rudeness doesn't mean you're hiding anything. And he was interrupting her work.

 

OP, judging by his actions after you broke up with him, I think he's got some issues. It's like he has very little awareness of how others (you) might feel. He might be a nice guy, but he seems very self-absorbed. I mean, come on, guy, a girl just broke up with you. She doesn't want to sit around and watch some movie scenes with you afterward. And she certainly doesn't want you to send racy texts shortly after.

 

That text of his would be a great opportunity to reply with, "Joe, we're not dating anymore so please stop sending me texts like this. In fact, it's probably best if we don't talk at all. Take care."