blue_jay_bird Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Im NC, he looks like he's on a rebound, basically moved on. I KNOW i can't contact him. I just have one burning question. Why didn't you try to work through problems with me? I just don't get it HELP. He just doesn't think im worth it. He just lost the drive.. none of these things make sense to me. Relationships involve communication, and work. He say's he still love's me, just not enough. Not enough to try, i guess. ?
moveONorStay Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 a bit of grass is greener syndrome perhaps? If it's a rebound, it's likely that it won't work out. It's a difficult situation I suppose. The advice around here is NC to help yourself recover from the relationship and move on...however, communication is the only way to ever resolve things. I think you need to give this one some time and figure out what you want...would you want to get back with someone that had been with someone else?
Calico Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 The burning question is: Why don't you let this go? Focus on things YOU can control. You'll never get an answer, especially not one that will magically give you the feeling of relief that you believe you can get from an answer. That answer doesn't exist. He didn't work it out with you because he didn't do it. That's all you need to know. The "why" is irrelevant, even if you are completely hooked by it. That feeling of relief that will allow you to finally move on can only come from within you and it's not dependent on any other person or what they tell you. Self-pity isn't sexy. Self-worth must come from within you, too. A man doesn't determine your value. Of course it's hard to get dumped. It didn't exactly help my self-esteem when I turned forty and my younger girlfriend cheated on me with a younger (younger than her) man and left me for him. She broke my heart, but I won't let her break my spirit and my soul, or destroy my self-worth and the belief that I'm an all right person. And you should not give your ex that much power, either. No one is worth so much or is so irreplaceable that you feel the way you do. 6
Author blue_jay_bird Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 The burning question is: Why don't you let this go? Focus on things YOU can control. You'll never get an answer, especially not one that will magically give you the feeling of relief that you believe you can get from an answer. That answer doesn't exist. He didn't work it out with you because he didn't do it. That's all you need to know. The "why" is irrelevant, even if you are completely hooked by it. That feeling of relief that will allow you to finally move on can only come from within you and it's not dependent on any other person or what they tell you. Self-pity isn't sexy. Self-worth must come from within you, too. A man doesn't determine your value. Of course it's hard to get dumped. It didn't exactly help my self-esteem when I turned forty and my younger girlfriend cheated on me with a younger (younger than her) man and left me for him. She broke my heart, but I won't let her break my spirit and my soul, or destroy my self-worth and the belief that I'm an all right person. And you should not give your ex that much power, either. No one is worth so much or is so irreplaceable that you feel the way you do. I love you Calico. It's true the only time i have had relief is when i do something that make's me feel good about myself. NOT Chasing for answer. Sometime when i feel myself worth.... I feel not like myself, like i have a huge ego... I'm odd, but better then before. I guess change is...
barese1 Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Im NC, he looks like he's on a rebound, basically moved on. I KNOW i can't contact him. I just have one burning question. Why didn't you try to work through problems with me? I just don't get it HELP. He just doesn't think im worth it. He just lost the drive.. none of these things make sense to me. Relationships involve communication, and work. He say's he still love's me, just not enough. Not enough to try, i guess. ? He didn't care/like/love you enough to work it out. Accept it, you were what you were and not important as you thought. That seems to be the common thing with all of us losers who can't let go, me included.
Author blue_jay_bird Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 (edited) He didn't care/like/love you enough to work it out. Accept it, you were what you were and not important as you thought. That seems to be the common thing with all of us losers who can't let go, me included. This seems a little harsh, the year before we where talking about marriage, kids....but i guess it's true. I thought more of him, then he did of me. He didn't care/like/love you enough to work it out. Accept it, you were what you were and not important as you thought. Normally. I would ball my eye's out when i read that. Now i'm just confused about why he doesn't care/like or love me. I know im awesome, and i know he used to have the above. It's sad it went away..oh well. Edited October 19, 2012 by blue_jay_bird
a.b Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I know im awesome Hold on to that part of your post and look for someone who appreciates just how awesome you know you are. No point pining for someone who no longer appreciates you for what you are Good luck!
mvc Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 if you are desperate just send an email or text asking, but do not expect a response.(no expectations = no disapointment) it goes against peoples views on NC but im in the same spot as you, i just wanna know why she didnt bother, so i fully understand how it can get at you. i saw a quote on here a couple of days ago that i now tell myself whenever im wondering why she didnt try "Dont feel sad over someone who gave up on you, feel sorry for them because they gave up on someone who would have never given up on them" 1
mishy Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 its no use asking questions, because to ask questions would mean having contact and that is pain in itself I have many unanswered questions and have stopped myself from texting or calling and asking because: a) just making contact will be more painful than having the questions unanswered b) I don't trust that his answers will be the truth c) one question leads to more questions, and do i even want the answers? i don't want any details about her or whats going on. It could have all fizzled out, but still i dont want to know 1
stemac Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 @barese1 we are not losers at all if anything it's the Exs That have lost, not us most will see in time @ blue-jay-bird I can really understand where your coming from its the same with me, She just went 'gone' no reason, I ask myself why the hell couldn't you Talk to me l, just sit down and talk about it, tell me what wrong and we Can talk about and try work it out , But I do agree, what someone said in one of the post They didn't care, or even loved, if they did they would Talk, it's heart wrenching to know, but it's true They just didn't care!
Author blue_jay_bird Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 (edited) Since when is a dumper wrong for dumping you? When I break up with someone... I am not asking for permission or waiting for them to give their me approval. I was not being a monster and I was not evil. For various reasons I simply didn't see a future with them nor did I want one. It didn't matter if the dumpee did X,Y or Z so why bother going through the exercise? They didn't do it for me and there was nothing they could do to change that. Do I not have a choice or say in who / what I want? What are we suppose to do... Stay with someone even though we don't want too? When you date or you are in a relationship with them its till death do us part? A break up is an answer to a question. Which is, is this the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with? The answer is NO. Just because you don't like the answer doesn't mean you should try to change the answer or think it's a reflection of you, your self-worth or you have nothing to offer someone else. Look im not holding a gun to the head of my ex, saying marry me, or at lest try. What i am doing is, not talking to him, and trying to let go. If someone is unhappy, doesn't want to be in a relationship they can leave. "Do I not have a choice or say in who / what I want?" What do you want now, a perfect girl, that change's to your need's and desire's at that time. Why don't you tell your girlfriend what you want, maybe she will work on that problem with you. What i do have a problem with is the idea- "well this relationship is not working for me anymore, so **** it, i'll find something better." I'd love to see how this attitude works when your ten years married. What i do expect from a long term relationship, is a small form of commitment to try to make it work. Apparently, i'm the crazy one in society. Edited October 20, 2012 by blue_jay_bird
Author blue_jay_bird Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 You weren't married. He did for however long you two were together. What is the specific length of time requirement that someone should stay with you, be committed and "try" before they are allowed to end it? Up till now, I did not know there was one. Look you make it sound like what he did was right. IT WAS NOT. AFTER Seven year's, a person that leave's a relationship, with a flick of the wrist, has serious problems. A person that has a fifteen conversation of how it's over is just plain messed up. I just don't understand in what world this is considered alright.
Author blue_jay_bird Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 Breaking up with someone I no longer want is not Christian? Would you like to share which Bible Verse says I should stay with someone I am dating when I no longer have feelings for them or want to marry them? God forbid I choose to date the wrong person... I would be committing a sin if I don't spend the rest of my life with them. Question for you... Is this a double standard thing? Just wondering if they are allowed to break up with me. Since I no longer have a choice to be happy or make my own decisions... I wasn't sure if it was a two way street or not. The Bible also condemns homosexuality. So i guess me and my ex girlfriend should be stoned to death. You can never bring religion into a discussion.
TopCat22 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 They didn't try and work through the problems for two very good reasons: 1) The problems caused their feelings to change and therefore their motivation to try was gone. If you no longer feel the same about someone why would you try and make it work? 2) It's hard work talking through and addressing problems. It's easier to bolt and move on. I have exactly the same thing with my ex. Why didn't she just talk to me about any problems? The reason is because she is a weak person who won't face up to challenges and because she didn't love me as much as she thought she did. Your ex probably doesn't even know why he didn't stay and work things out. He just felt you weren't the one anymore. It's not nice to hear, but sadly it's the only answer you're ever likely to get.
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