Jaysfan65 Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Just a little over a year ago I split up from my live inboyfriend of 15 years. I found out that he had been doing a LOT of lying. So Idecided to leave him. We had been having our struggles over the yearsanyway..however, it was the hardest decision I ever made. I told him in Juneand I moved out in September ..bought a condo and that's when it closed. Istill remember the morning I told him...we stood in our living room and clungonto each other for dear life..both of us bawling. But it was time to moveout...itwas the right thing to do. He maintained all along that we were still goign tobe boyfriend and girlfriend..just with different addresses....and that we wouldbegin our relationship over again . ]From June - September we spent a LOT of time together...morethan we ever did...and we seemed to be enjoying each other's company more thanwe had in quite some time. Then after Imoved out...we rmained in each other's lives and I would stay over at his placeor he at mine. However, it was stillvery upsetting and we weren't working anything out..we still couldn't talkabout the thing that broke us up without it becoming an emotional mess. One day just a few days before Christmas Imentioned to him that I really didn't think we should still be intimate....itwas getting too confusing. Also, I hadfound some fake facebook accounts he had and I was getting so sick of the lyingso I told him that I didn't want to spend any time with him at Christmas. But I missed him so we ended up spendingChristmas Eve together - he stayed over but it was platonic. I invited hiim to Christmas dinner at myfamily's but he didn't want to come. Over the next few days...I couldn't get a hold of him...up until now Ihad talked to him every day either in person or on the phone/email. So the 26th, 27th, 28th, 29th went by and Istill had not heard from him. I had to drive right by his house so I called himon his cell to say I would bring lunch by (this was normal protocal for us)..hedidn't answer so I called him..he turned off both his home phone and his cellphone. I started to panic and went to the house only to learn I WAS NOT ALLOWEDIN. I have no idea why..had someonemoved in with him already ? I didn'tfreak out (being in my 40s helped..years ago I would've caused a big sceneLOL) I did cry my eyes out though allthe way home. Still to this day don'tknow why I stopped being allowed in the house. Things got a little awkward after that..however, inJanuary he started to visit me again...only once a week......and we did have afew suppers and go to a few movies....and we'd even snuggle on the couch(although again just platonically). Hespent Valentines Day with me..gave me a small gift and sort of a 'friend' card. After that things got more and more weird. Iwent 6 weeks without talking to him at one point..because I got upset that hewasn't responding to me at all. Now as it stands...I still see him 2-3 times a week (wemeet for lunch). I'm still not allowedto be at his house..or call him on his cell or at home or at work. I'm not not allowed to be in his truckeither. I am having a difficult timewith it......mostly how things changed without notice.. I don't know what to do...I still cry almostevery day. When I see him..most of the time I act like everything is fine...oneor two times I have cried in front of him. On my holidays in August he said we could go on a secret bike ride..meaningI couldn't tell anyone (he doesn't want anyone on his side of the family toknow were are even still in touch)...I thought it sounded ridiculous ..but yetI still went. That was a very niceday So I am just lost....I don't see us ever getting backtogether..especially now that he's been having sex with either one or multiplepartners...(I don't know the details...I don't ask anyone because I'd rathernot know - just the thought of it sounds ridiculous. But I can't keep being sad day in and day out.
dreamstate83 Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Time. Time will make it all go away. I wish I could give you some hot tips but in the end you must struggle through it. Sometimes, the hardest things in life are the right things. What I've done that helps a lot is checking up on these forums whenever I think about my ex. It's become quite the medicine. You may also want to try reading the second link in my signature. It may help you out Welcome to the LS family!
january2011 Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Hopefully, you can draw some inspiration/comfort that it's possible to come out the other side and be okay: I'm now almost three years out from the break up of a 10+ year relationship, most of which was spent living together. He is now married to his ex (yes, from way back when) with whom he reconnected towards the end of our relationship and they just recently had a baby. Since the break up, I have a couple of professional qualifications under my belt and am working towards a third. Still live in the same house but have made it my own. Have travelled quite a bit, done quite a bit of volunteering and a number of adult education classes to learn new skills. Met tons of people from all walks of life. I recently cut back some of my freelance time to take on a permanent part-time job where I can work from home most of the time and which covers my outgoings and then some. I've also been in an LDR of almost two years. And while I welcomed a new niece (and another one is one the way), I also said goodbye to my father. My ex and I still have one shared business venture and some financial ties, therefore keep in occasional contact (about once every 2-4 months). Our interactions are very to-the-point with minimal smalltalk. We don't give each other presents or cards, nor do we socialise. We definitely do not spend any anniversaries, holidays or festivals together. I am working towards NC. As dreamstate83 wrote, it takes time. If you can't go NC, then you must implement LC and wean yourself off trying to maintain the emotional connection. You need other things going on in your life. Most likely a new social life if most of your friends are also his. Try Meetups, especially the shared interest ones. These "saved" my life. Also try volunteering and adult education. You need to rebuild your life without him. He gets to sleep around and have you as a backup. You deserve to be more than someone's backup. You can honour the shared history that you both have, but that doesn't mean that you need to keep him in your life. Especially when he's making it worse with his presence and you find yourself asking how to get over him a year after the breakup. After a year, I was just about getting back on my feet emotionally. I think it's crunch time for you. You really need to sit down and take a long hard look at your life. Is this really how you want to live? Do you really want your lying ex-boyfriend around tugging at your heart strings when you know that you don't want to get back with him? And he's been sleeping with multiple partners while still trying to woo you. Time to stop being "sad day in and day out" - you need to bite the bullet and let go of the past.
Author Jaysfan65 Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 Thanks to you both....I just that time when he's just another person....someone I used to know. I know everyone suggests NC or LC.....I just find it so hard to do that....because I do enjoy seeing him.....although I know that immediately after...and the following day....I feel worse. Maybe this is crunch time....becuase I'm feeling so crummy maybe it's a sign to mysel that I need to stop contact. I have no idea why he still wants me in his life....I guess we did go through a lot together.....despite all of the unhappy times....the biggest being the lost of my stepson in a tragic car accident I had been really close to his son and no that I am in my 40s and have no kids of my own.....in some ways I'm mad that I spent all this time with him...when deep down I knew the relationship was bad right from the start.....I think I had thought of moving out so many times in the past....just couldn't find the strength to do so....I am now living in a townhouse I bought myself..which is pretty nice..and I know that I should be proud of myself that I finally found the strength to leave him and have managed to get to where I am...a proud homeowner. But yet...everything I do reminds me of something we did together. We really never did a lot together over the years...I have played on many sports teams and there are girls I've played with for probably 8 or so years that have never met him. Not that it was a bad thing...I enjoyed having my own thing...but we did not share the same interests whatsoever. The huge life-changing lie I caught him in which finally made me take the initiative to move out....ended up not being an issue for me...I was more upset about how things went down in Jan / Feb when he obviously 'hooked up'. Lately, I've been waking up mad....been dreaming about stuff he did..and am pissed off......I am hoping that this is a sign that you are right..it's crunch time.
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