nocontactqueen Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I've known this guy for a year, he's Jewish, I'm not. I know that already sounds rough, but, I wasn't raised religiously. I went to church for about a year of my life, but other than that, I don't claim to be any particular religion. That also doesn't mean I don't want to be a part of a religion, I believe in God, and would love to find a place for my beliefs, so before you assume the worst, I think this may be an opportunity for me to explore, and possibly find a place for my faith. When we met a year ago, we hit it off, but while we talked about dating, we never officially tried being exclusive because neither one of us wanted to really approach the religion thing. It can be awkward talking about conversion if you've just started dating someone, trying not to freak the other person out by talking about such a serious commitment. We went through periods of not talking over the past year because we have a strong connection, and a couple of times I wanted to date other people, and it was hard to keep him in my life and date someone else. He also pushed me away several times because we couldn't be together- as in, he's never dated someone that wasn't Jewish and it wasn't a challenge he was ready for at the time. But I was also guilty of getting too attached too quickly, so when he pushed me away, it really hurt. So aside from the religion issue- this is another aspect of the risk- he has pushed me away several times before because of religion, so who says it will stick this time? In my eyes he could back out at any time and leave me stranded with a broken heart. I know trust is involved, but is it worth it to put my heart on the line like this? For the past few months, we've been talking nearly every day, although hadn't mentioned dating and I was still open to seeing other people. But in talking to him every day, and seeing him a few times, I began to think about how I really felt for him. I began to wonder what part he had in my life like this and realized that if he and I were talking like this, but not dating, I wasn't going to be able to find anybody else. So, I hung out with him last week and asked what was up with us, I told him I couldn't keep doing this if we weren't dating. And he said he wanted to try it out, that we obviously haven't moved on, and that maybe we should try. So I was skeptical, and I'm still a little skeptical. But we talked again last night and he expressed that he was afraid because he had never dated anyone that wasn't Jewish, but that he was really happy with me and he wanted to try. However, his parents are very religious, and he's very close with his parents. So he wouldn't introduce me to them until and if things became more serious and I had thought about converting. I guess this seems fine, because I don't like to meet parents until I'm serious about someone. Also, there is intermarriage in his family (as in Jews by choice marrying someone born Jewish), so they are not opposed to it. It just feels like this is already involving a lot of thinking ahead, and a lot of risk. The thing is, I've dated recently and the feelings that I have for this guy seem more genuine and sincere, I almost feel like I could really take this risk, but a small part of me is holding back. I know I don't have to jump all in, and we can take it slow. I know I can feel it out and make sure I can trust him. But having known him for a year, I also already feel somewhat invested. I could walk away now and my heart would be broken, so I figure why not try it, I may end up with a broken heart, but I could do that now and never have my questions answered about whether it could work or not. I know this is a lot of rambling, and interfaith dating is a scary process, but has anyone done/thought about this? Is love worth this kind of risk?
venusianx13 Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I'm glad I'm the first to answer this... I had a long relationship with a Jewish guy. (I'm a shiksa) You are 100% right that you are treading scary territory if his parents are religious. Please be prepared to be cornered into converting (by his parents). You should know right away where your potential bf stands on the religion thing. Will he wish for you to convert? Are you willing? If you aren't willing, like I said above, be prepared to be cornered. Even if he doesn't wish for your to convert, he may not be able to be open about your relationship with his religious friends and family. (For fear of being shunned). I'm not trying to cast doubt on you, and I think you are truly wise to ask these questions before getting into a relationship with this man. I didn't ask these questions before entering into an interfaith relationship. I wish I had. The relationship/engagement I had last 6 years. It did not work out for various reasons, but I think first and foremost, the fact that I was not willing to convert and felt a lot of pressure to do so should have ended the relationship...but for whatever reason, attachment, most likely, we hung on for far longer than we should have. Far past the expiration date. See where he stands on these things... find out how much it will shake his family... then, make your decision.
Author nocontactqueen Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 Thank you for that sincere response. I can't say with 100% certainty that I would convert. However, I wasn't raised in a particular religion, and would love to find my religious "home" so to speak. So I'm spending some time reading about Judaism, and am definitely open to the idea of conversion. So, because I am aware that both he and his family would want me to convert, that is something I'm considering right off the bat. Would it be possible for me to message you somehow with some more questions about interfaith dating? I've gotten some responses elsewhere that were very ignorant and discouraging.
KathyM Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I would suggest you cut your losses now and not invest more time in the relationship. He is obviously having serious reservations about your compatibility because of the religious issue, and that would be pretty difficult to overcome. Usually, when people adopt a religion for the sake of a romantic relationship, that they wouldn't otherwise come to, it doesn't pan out well. It doesn't stick, and they are too apt to abandon it later on.
Author nocontactqueen Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 After thinking about these responses- my gut is telling me to go for it. I've dated other people recently and my gut has told me it wasn't right, but finally, my gut is saying "just do it." Maybe I just need encouragement to trust my gut. I haven't felt this way in so long.
mtnbiker Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 To quote a recent band, "It's better to feel pain than nothing at all, the opposite of love is indifference".
venusianx13 Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Thank you for that sincere response. I can't say with 100% certainty that I would convert. However, I wasn't raised in a particular religion, and would love to find my religious "home" so to speak. So I'm spending some time reading about Judaism, and am definitely open to the idea of conversion. So, because I am aware that both he and his family would want me to convert, that is something I'm considering right off the bat. Would it be possible for me to message you somehow with some more questions about interfaith dating? I've gotten some responses elsewhere that were very ignorant and discouraging. Yes, of course you can message me, but I don't think you have PM privileges yet. I will set up a gmail under my user name here (venusianx13), so you can write me with any guidance you may need. After 6 years of being involved in an interfaith relationship, I'd be happy to help prepare you for things to come.
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