Vega57 Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Hi everyone, Background... Was living with my exb/f for a little over 4 years. One day, out of the blue about 8 months ago, he decided that I "wasn't the woman he wanted to spend his life with"...and confessed that he had been having an emotional affair for several weeks that became "more serious" about a week earlier. Needless to say I was floored. It's wasn't like we had many knock-down-drag-out fights. We had disagreements, but they weren't biting or abusive. There was no name-calling or disrespect. In fact he would comment about how he felt that our disagreements were on a level playing field. The day he broke up with me, he told me that he had to talk to me...that I shouldn't worry because he "wasn't cheating", but how he was 'emotionally involved' with someone else...how it "just happened"...how he "loved me but wasn't 'in love' with me"....how he still wanted to "be friends"...how he tried to "feel it" but how he never really quite got "there" and how he "always saw us as FWB" (that last one is how our relationship actually started). In one fell swoop, I lost my boyfriend of 4 years, a place to live, use of a car and a job (we worked together). Needless to say, I was a 'tad' upset. I could not leave that house fast enough. It took me 2 weeks to scrape together enough money to leave. The last time we spoke was 2 days before I moved. The last communication we had was 2 days after that. I sent him a quick short email telling him that I was gone and that I left my keys in the house. This was in March of this year. All 3 of us belonged to the same forum. I know who she is, and she knows that I know, even though my ex never told me who it was. At first, I REFUSED to leave the forum just because they were members. But as time has gone by, I found it more frustrating to visit the forum. I would see them both post about things that were only half-truths, and it would frustrate me to no end. I stopped visiting the forum about 2.5 months ago. I do not want him back. Not even as a friend (friends don't treat friends the way he treated me when he ended it!). But I still get so angry in my more quiet moments. I'm not angry because he ended it. I'm not jealous of 'her'. I'm angry because of the WAY he ended it. It was as if he threw away all of his morals and all of his logic ahead of our relationship. We used to have talks about infidelity, and he told me that he considered an emotional affair to be 'cheating'. So why did he tell me that he WASN'T cheating, when in fact he was? Why would he tell me that "it just happened" when he KNOWS that affairs don't "just happen"? Why would he tell me that he was "in love" with me only a few WEEKS before he told me that he "always saw us as FWB"? Believe it or not, I actually got a lot of my answers from reading forums such as LS. I realize that he was a complete coward, and that she's feeling pretty 'superior' to me. After all, she's MUCH younger than I am, has a better job, better education and a better body. But she obviously doesn't have better morals, and doesn't seem to care if the man she's with has crappy morals. She even told him that she "didn't want to hurt Vega". Apparently, with all his education, he was too DUMB to figure out that she WOULD be hurting me, but that she just didn't care! And if that's the kind of woman he wants to spend his life with, so be it. I won't stand in his way... My problem is, that I'm still angry. I'm still angry at the way this whole thing went down. I'm angry at his lies...his cheating...his deceit...his dishonesty...his 'half-truths'. And I'm not quite sure what to do with the anger. I still cry sometimes, but it's tears of ANGER; not out of sadness. I've wanted to walk up to both of them and just punch them. I've wanted them to 'suffer' as much as I suffered. Luckily, the feelings are starting to fade. From what I've read, it takes about 1/2 the lenght of the relationship to pretty much 'get over it'. If that's the case, then I have about 1.5 years left. God, I hope not... Maybe I just need to take up kickboxing!
Exit Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Sorry to say I cannot follow your logic about being upset with "how" he handled it. I could understand being mad at him, or jealous of her, but you insist it has nothing to do with that, just "how" he did it. I'm not defending cheating at all. But just based on your story, it didn't sound like he dumped you in a terrible way. You yourself said the emotional affair was just a few weeks young. It hadn't been going on for months, and it hadn't turned physical behind your back. What more could he have done? The first second he started chatting with this girl, he should have called you and said it was over? Obviously he was gauging his feelings. Maybe having someone new come into the picture helped him realize that he was not totally happy in the relationship with you. No it's not okay, yes he hurt you, all I'm saying is you didn't walk in on them screwing or come home one day and find yourself locked out of the house with your belongings on the sidewalk. He noticed he feelings were shifting and he told you. You had a place to stay while you saved up money for two weeks to leave. You even seem a bit off the mark when you mention that you guys didn't really argue or anything. So what? That's only one minor aspect of what can drive two people apart. You don't need to look for such an obvious thing to blame such as "we fought a lot" or something like that. Feelings are feelings. He simply found his heart wandering. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Yes, the couple of weeks that he was talking to her until he told you do qualify as deceit and dishonesty. And yes, if he knew he just wasn't that in to you, he should have let you go without needing the influence of another person. But like 99% of people out there, nobody wants to end a relationship until they have a new one to fall in to. So sure, be mad about that, he's too scared to be single and he only left you when he knew he had something new. You don't necessarily need to get over the anger immediately, it's part of healing, it's part of severing the emotional ties. Luckily you are not like some people who turn the anger inwards and blame themselves for getting dumped or cheated on. It sounds like you have a pretty good idea of who the jerk was here. But under the anger I'd assume there must be some insecurity, you may wonder what it is that wasn't good enough about you to keep him interested. But again that's flawed logic. Use his behaviors to judge him, not yourself. He was dishonest and he left. That's all. Anger is a useful emotion. We live in a society where it seems all emotions are unacceptable and should be medicated away. You're supposed to be mad when someone betrays you. It sounds like more an ego issue considering you said nothing about missing him terribly or that he was the love of your life, which is good in a way. So you're just struggling with the bitterness that your entire life was ripped out from under you. That's understandable, but just rebuild, and next time don't let someone else be accountable for your source of a car and a job. Probably a good red flag to keep in mind from now on, don't start relationships out of a FWB situation. Or even better advice, don't do that kinda crap at all. They make sex toys for that. Don't get all wrapped up with another human being who has thoughts and emotions of their own just because you want some action. Oh, and staying off of the forum where they go is 100% the right thing to do. I can understand your sentiment that you shouldn't have to lose something just because they go there, but seeing them on there would just be mental torture and slow down your healing. Let them have it. 1
CopingGal Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Maybe I just need to take up kickboxing! You might be kidding, but seriously, that sounds like a healthy, positive way to get your anger out.
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