WTFiswrongwitme Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 I'm soooooooo confused. I'm in a relationship right now that is great. We've been together for 6 months and he's perfect. Our communication is unbelievable and the sex is the best! Now the problem is I can't get a thought out of my head thats saying yeah this is nice but it can be better. I just keep thinking about my ex that I broke up with 3 years ago. Now I don't want to get back with him or anything thats over but I just have never felt the way I felt when I was with him and so now after having 'super wow' I just am having trouble settling with just 'wow'. I've dated plenty of guys after him and still I don't get that feeling in my stomache when we kiss. My current bf now has been the closest but still can't compare. What's my problem? I feel like I'm not being fair to my bf because he says I love you and how he sees all these plans in the future with me and I look into the future and it's blank. I say I love you and I mean it but I mean it like I care for you a lot. But I do care for him and have gotten really attached and want him in my life. They say in life you only love once and if it doesn't work then you learn to love someone else..... I think I already loved and now I have to just settle.. Does anyone else know how I'm feeling or am I going nuts.. Please reply.
Wellnowuknow Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 I have been there. But you know what they say an ex is an ex for a reason. Was he your first love? Because some people say there is no love like your first love. But I believe thats only because it's so innocent and you are experiencing everything for the first time. But eventually you will meet someone that will give you those butterflies in your stomache and you will learn to love again. It happened to me. And now I love stronger and better than before and i realized that the love I had before was good only because i was feeling all those things for the first time and it was a new exciting feeling. Dont think your cheating out your bf. If he's good to you and the communication is good and the sex is great, what do you have to worry about? It's hard to find a guy like that and to let him go so that another can snatch him up and you stay searching for an illusion or a fairytale love from the movies? Enjoy the bf you have now and stop worrying.
moimeme Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Well, I don't know about that. I would never agree to marry a man if I didn't think he was the best man in my life ever. It would be unfair to someone, IMHO, to 'settle' for him. Each of my fellows seemed great at the time - but the bar keeps getting raised. I don't get involved with fellows that I don't think will meet that line. I think the songs 'You're Simply The Best' and 'Nothing Compares To U' are great; I'd only want someone that made me feel that way (well, not the breakup bit of the latter, but you get my drift).
HoldOn Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 "They say you only love once" Well, "they" are wrong. People can have many love affairs in their lives, each one different than the last. Your problem is that you don't love the person you are with. And that's a shame considering he's a good guy and he loves you. But if that's not enough for you, then you are not really being fair to him are you? You are just going to end up hurting him, so you should either end it now or learn to love him.
WTFiswrongwitme Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 I know I guess I'm being selfish. But what I have with him is great. He hasn't said anything about getting married or anything yet but he does mention how he can see us living together and married in the far future and that I'd be a great mom. BUt I just don't see it right now. Maybe it's that I'm young and I just dont see all those things right now. And even though I dont get the butterflies with him I know he's a good guy and I dont want to let him go. I do care for him and I do want him in my life because I know no one will love me like he does or care for me like he does. I'm just wondering if I will ever feel that way again or if like wellnowuknow said do I need to face reality and accept that he's there and he loves me and stay with him or leave him and chase a fairytale romance?
jmargel Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Wellnowuknow hit the nail on the head. It's not that you don't love your bf, but that you are comparing HIM to your EX. DON'T DO THAT! They are TWO different people. Was your ex your first love? Probably so, from your post. I can guanatee you that if you breakup with this one, the next guy you meet, you'll be comparing him to your most recent ex. Enjoy what you have, and chalk the ex up to a learning experience. They are an EX for a reason. Yes you had good times, and remember those, but don't dwell on them. Focus on making good memories with the person you have. Don't live in the past. It won't get you anywhere.
Gemini02 Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 You can love more than once and everytime you love it's different, because the person is different. How many times have you heard of people who leave their significant others to chase the "fairytale romance?" Lots right? And how many times have they realized that what they were looking for, was what they had in the first place? It's like in the Wizard of Oz- Dorthy goes out looking for her hearts desire and realizes that she needn't go any further than her own backyard. I really don't believe there is any such thing as a "fairy tale romance" because that would mean it would have to be perfect, and there is no such thing as a perfect relationship- so get that idea out of your head. You're over-thinking this, and not letting it be "super wow" It could eventually turn into that, because real love- true, solid, committed love- is something that happens over time. Take it one day at time girl- one day at a time.
EC Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Gemini02 I was feeling the same way as the original poster. And I left him becuase I didn't feel that spark...that intense look in the eye that melts your heart and leaves you dumbfounded that you want to speak but can't. I know you say your looking for perfect and that you can't find that because its a 'fairytale-romance" and theres no such thing.. but what if you have felt that before and it didnt work out and now you havent felt that again and scared you never will? Your post really got me thinking and now my mind is split in two and I don't even know what to think. What a complicated topic lol. Thanx for giving me another side though. And to wtfiswrongwitme lol theres nothing wrong with you as you can see your not the only one.
Kelebek Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 There's nothing wrong with you - well I hope not cos if there's something wrong with you then I've got it too...if you have a look around at any of my other posts about my situation you'll see I'm in almost the exact same frame of mind as you!! With my ex, everything was wonderful until it ended. Like you say, we had the BIGGEST spark ever, total butterflies, the lot. Then it ended. Few months down the line, got a new boyfriend, just like the situation you have. A really good guy, who you don't want to leave...but the spark isn't quite the same, is it? When you said, "now after having 'super wow' I just am having trouble settling with just 'wow'," my god well that totally hit the nail on the head what I'm feeling. This is a completely useless post cos I don't know what to advise you to do - if I did I'd be doing it myself. Just thought I'd let you know you're not alone. Do we give up a really good relationship to chase something that potentially could blow up in our faces....I don't know. I'm just worried I'll never get "that" spark with my boyfriend. Sure, I get a little one....but nothing like THAT one. Sigh!
EC Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Do we give up a really good relationship to chase something that potentially could blow up in our faces....I don't know. I'm just worried I'll never get "that" spark with my boyfriend. Sure, I get a little one....but nothing like THAT one. Sigh! EXACTLY...what are we to do settle for 'wow' or continue looking for 'superwow' even if we can never find it again? I think thats the hardest question I've ever had to find an anwer for. double sigh..
moimeme Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 No, you don't settle. It's not fair to you or the settlee. You wait. And if 'superwow' doesn't come along 'till your sixties, so be it. It's a chickensh*t way to live your life to take the 'safe bet' just in case the real deal doesn't come along and you'll only end up taking it out on the settlee. Do NOT try to persuade yourself that someone will do and marry them because they have a list of good qualities. If always in your mind you're longing for the one that got away, you'll never commit fully to the 'make-do' partner. And people wonder why marriages don't last. sigh.
Fayebelle Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 that the reason so many "super wows" are exes is b/c humans, w/the exception of Sting , just don't have the energy to maintain that level lf intensity for life. I'd rather be super happy w/my wow than super crazy w/my ex super wow. Does that make sense?
EC Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Yeah I don't want to be that wife stuck in a hopeless marriage. I'm now on my journey for 'super wow" to come along. I hope I dont have to wait till my sixties though -sheesh- I want babies you now lol a lil boy not till like I'm in my late 20's-30 It's just scary thinking you won't feel that spark again. And it's such a tease when you feel alittle spark but its fades and your so disappointed. And the other person is like omg gaga over you and you dont know what to say. uhhhh I want to fly away to europe and backpack and take my mind off this love thing for a while. It's stressing me out lol. But yeah I've realized I cannot settle. What fun is that?
HoldOn Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 If you don't love them, let them go. It's better for both of you. And people wonder why marriages don't last. sigh. Ditto! Personally, I think these people are expecting freaking fireworks everytime they see their bf, and life just isn't like that. Unrealistic expectations = unhappiness. The "sparks" that you had with your ex were not real. It obviously was not a fully-developed LOVE. If you were meant to be you wouldn't have broken up. right??
Kelebek Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Actually Faybelle that DOES make sense - I have to admit, that along with the SUPER-wow came super craziness, I could never concentrate and eventually it all blew up because it was just too much. So that's something to think about. But you never remember that part of it, you just remember that feeling you had, like eternallyconfused said, "that intense look in the eye that melts your heart and leaves you dumbfounded that you want to speak but can't" I actually really had that feeling, and it was wonderful. And to eternallyconfused, it's so good knowing someone feels the same - I'm so torn in two! Moimeme, I know this might sound chickensh*t, and I'm the first to admit that I'm too scared to chase the fairytale right now...I'm just not ready. I know it's wrong to settle, for both partners in the relationship - but sometimes things are just too hard, it's not so easy to just up and leave. But your post got me thinking harder than any post has in a long time Ohhh this is such a tough thing to think about!!!
EC Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Yeah faybelle I felt like that too but what I thought was happy was actually security and I was comfortable. there is a difference. I was super crazy too with my ex (the one before this recent one) and thats how I knew I was crazy FOR him because no other person could make me FEEL so intense. And I'm not talking about the feeling of sex but I mean just a hand touch could be amazing. A glance could buckle my feet. One hand through my hair and I'd melt. You can't compare the feeling. I just can't settle...
HoldOn Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 I want babies you now lol a lil boy not till like I'm in my late 20's-30 OMG! What if you had to wait until you were THIRTY before you had a baby. What a tragedy! You might be financially and emotionally ready! Ahhhhh! Just kidding. Wow, I am 27. Who knew my biological clock was running out!
Kelebek Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 And Holdon, I agree with that...if it's meant to be, it'll be. But people who are meant to be sometimes break up, then get back together...who knows, that might be some of us one day. I got sparks every time I saw my ex, and it really was love. But I agree that it's unrealistic to expect that all the time in every relationship....but it'd be nice
HoldOn Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Honestly, there's no way I can tell you whether you're letting a good thing go or whether you should break up and wait for the real sparks. On one hand, maybe you guys are still in love with you exes and your vision is warped. Meaning you are with a great guy who you would love if you were thinking straight. If that is the case, then you are throwing away something wonderful because of a mental block. On the other hand, maybe you will never really feel the spark and you are only with this person for convenience. Which is pretty harsh to your current boyfriend, don't you think?
Fayebelle Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 I just had to reevaluate what I want from my partner. Do I want fireworks and intensity or someone who treats me like a queen, has the same priorities I do, would make a wonderful father, etc... As people change so do their desires. To me-now- comfort IS happiness. Settling down is not the same as settling.
EC Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 I saw sparks everyday with my ex!! And its true some people are meant to be maybe not in this life time but in the next or they were together in the past. i'm huge believer in that. I know its unrealistic to see sparks everytime with new bf's and also it's wrong to have such high 'expectations' because you are constantly going to be let down and never be happy. BUt I just can't shut the little voice in my head that say's "Its not the same it can be better you could be missing out."
moimeme Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 You folks brought up some good points. You need to be sure that the 'superwow' was real love, and not infatuation or obsession. By 'superwow', I don't mean the 'sparks every second' feeling, because that is not something that will last and that can be the product of infatuation. By 'superwow' I mean the feeling that this guy is the best guy you've ever known. That even despite his faults, you think he's tops. Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford -but you'll take him anyway. - Judith Viorst
EC Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 and I'm confused again lol Faybelle I agree with you too. I was happy with my ex(the current one I had to let go)even though we are still kinda together if it wasnt for long distance thing. But with him theres a chemistry I won't deny it and when I lai my head on his chest I actually felt complete peace of mind. It felt so nice. And I know that if I were to stay with him I would be treated like a queen and not worry about infedelity or anything. And that is wonderful and reassuring. But the voice in my head sometimes.... ahh
EC Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 But the one that made me feel soooo good and all those sparks was the one that hurt me the most and yet I know Ill never feel like that again and if my current ex bf were to leave I'd be hurt but i don't think it will equal anything close to the near death experinece lol I had when My 1st love and I broke up. But my friend just brought up a point She said like the no doubt song says "Why do the good girls always fall for the bad boys?" Why do we have the one right there willing to give us the world but we want something else?
Kelebek Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 YES Moimeme that's exactly it - the superwow I'm talking about is thinking that he's the best thing ever despite all his faults...in fact his faults and imperfections are endearing!!! And yes, Holdon, I think I would love my current bf if it wasn't for my ex, which is why this is so tough. This mental block you're talking about, I'm trying to get rid of it and hopefully if I avoid seeing my ex, it'll work. (It'll break my heart, but tough.) You folks are the best!! I know I'm not the original poster but you've all helped me so much!!
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