friendlyalien Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 so, sorry its long, but here's some background. I'm 26 and a male, I live in a city i moved to so I could live with my then partner. She had 2 kids, we did the step family thing, then due to whatever we broke up spectacularly. A few months past, I got better-ish though became depressed etc (already pre-existing problem). Went on a few dates, made some new friends and tried to get back on with life. Then I get a call in December saying I'm a father with my ex partner - she kept the pregnancy thing quiet for 9 months. But due to a restraining order - not for violence, only stupid angry correspondence between the two of us while breaking up (time was quashed from 2 years to only 1 year due to lack of violence etc) - I havent been able to see my son. The restraint order has finished (was ordered july last year) Ive remade contact - that didnt go to well so its NC unless its family court lawyers (who are taking forever!). We did try but we're ultra nasty, after a while the resentment rises from the dead to exact revenge on the townsfolk. So in the meantime ive had to move out of our old place, which ive been living in with two girl friends of mine (not romantically, well not one of them) and moved in with one of the girls I was seeing who i wanted to make a friend out of. Basically after a handful of failed dates, losing my job due to a mental breakdown that earnt me three weeks in a hospital psychiatric ward (the suprise you're a father thing sent me way over the edge..all that hurt from the breakup just came rushing back in at once) and the debt and stress that im still working on post breakdown. I've decided I just want to remain celibate to clear my head. one of my good friends from canberra (aust. capital city) suggested I try it as she went without and its helped her. keep in mind im not a religious person - but the idea has been great so far but there is one probelm. its not meant to go on forever - at least not until I find a woman who is what i want in a person, or not to far off (believe me, its a small but essential list that has more to do with personality than looks). I have no idea how to get off the celibacy thing (its gotten too comfortable) - or if I even should - and if I will just remain in limbo for years on end. I havent got any prospects really, namely due to not having a job and I sure havent met anyone id like to date and casual sex has just led me into strange and bizzare and highly uncomfortable circumstances. The problem for me is that when I'm not being led around (Willingly or not) and when im not being flat out refused - or should I say the chance for a relationship is there I end up fearing the stuff that happened with my ex to happen all over again. L ike I cant let anyone back in or anything. Sorry that this was long, I just wanted to share something out there with fellow anonymous earthlings. Thanks for reading.
Exit Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Everyone struggles with being able to trust again. Every person on the face of this planet has the potential to hurt you, that doesn't mean they all will. You have to realize your ex was only one person and how she behaved has no bearing on the next person you date. But, since you said nothing really interests you enough to break your celibacy, you haven't come across someone worth dating, and you know casual sex is just a mess waiting to happen, it just sounds to me like the time isn't right yet. Pretty sure it's like riding a bicycle, you're not going to forget how to date or how to have a physical relationship just because you take a break for a while. I'm kinda doing the same thing, which is strange for me. I have always kept up relationships, sometimes for no other reason than an addiction to physical intimacy, and I've finally had enough of all the drama that comes with relationships, and I've been single for the 11 months since I got dumped and I don't see that changing any time soon. I don't think there's anything wrong with spending a decent amount of time single. It has become way too widely accepted these days that you should ALWAYS be dating. It's gross the way people just hop from one to the next. I think that actually scares me most about trying to date again, it's hard to tell if you are meeting some girl who just got out of a relationship and you're about to be her next wild ride. 1
CopingGal Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I do wonder. It does seem like most people hope from relationship to relationship. I have to be honest, I don't know how to prevent myself from not being a rebound for someone. Back to the OP, it's okay if you are not ready to date. Just take your time. I haven't gone out on a date in 15 months. 1
Author friendlyalien Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 thank you for your candidness, I also used to have a physical addiction, it just doesnt seem worth it anymore.
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