Should I expose OM in very public way?

[NotCamelot]

Then just do it already.

 

Exactly, but in a different way, so that he knows it came from me. That is the most important part.

[BetrayedH]

At this point, I think you should just get it over with, NC. Frankly, I don't really blame any BS for what they do after Dday. There have been 82 posts of circular conversation. You've heard alternate opinions and remain as staunch about this being a problem/solution as you were with the first post.

 

If you are convinced that you must do this to move forward, so be it. You have a multitude of friends here that feel otherwise (for your sake) but we don't have to live your life.

 

Good luck to you. I hope it goes the way you need it to.

[NotCamelot]

Thanks.

 

This thread has indeed helped. It has shown me, very clearly, that this should be done in a way that clearly shows revenge came from me. My initial thoughts of doing it in the guise of a secret identity were wrong.

 

And, yes, I am convinced that I must do something to him so that I can move on. I never will otherwise.

[TigerCub]

Some of you are not understanding at all. My W did not/has not gotten off free or easy. But he has not suffered any wrath from me AT ALL. She did.

 

Niether is more guilty. Though, maybe she is. But she has suffered consequences from ME, he has NOT.

 

I have had the chance to deal with her. No chance to deal with him.

 

And, the issue with him and his wife are none of my concern. I don't care whether she hangs him or awards him. I want him to suffer from me JUST AS WIFE HAS/IS.

 

NC you keep talking about how you got restitution from your wife and that she's suffered the consequences of her mistakes.

 

How?

How did she repent and pay for her mistakes?

What did she do to make up for such a betrayal?

 

Hope you don't mind the question.

I'm honestly curious.

[turnera]

mercy already gave you the best advice: request a meeting with the governing board of the church and tell them in person. What they do with it is then their business.

 

Now, if what you REALLY want is to slime him in public, then just get it over with and blast it to the world. I promise you, though, you'll feel as bad as him for stooping that low. Exposing to end the affair is legitimate; exposing after the affair is revenge, and no one looks good dressed in revenge.

[NotCamelot]

NC you keep talking about how you got restitution from your wife and that she's suffered the consequences of her mistakes.

 

How?

How did she repent and pay for her mistakes?

What did she do to make up for such a betrayal?

 

Hope you don't mind the question.

I'm honestly curious.

 

Quite a lot of ways, honestly. Over the top transparency. Goes nowhere alone, by her choice. Started riding to and from work together. Lunch together. 100% of everything together.

 

If she even decides she needs to run to grocery store, she will stop me and tell me she needs to go and "come on, go with me". Everywhere, all the time. AND I LOVE IT.

 

Lots and lots of minor things. All things I do not ask for. She goes out of her way to prepare my favorite meals....all the time.....by surprise. She includes me in all her work-related events, doesn't have to. You name it, and she is doing all she can to show that I am her sole focus.

 

When using the abominable Facebook, she mentions me in most of her posts.....or at least "my husband and I". If she needs to get up and run to restroom, for example, she hands me her computer.....does not log out of anything....I know because she sits side-by-side with me so that there is nothing hidden.

 

As for pennance, we had all the shouting, cussing, crying, and revealing "discussions" you can imagine. It has been weeks since the last one though. She won't touch a computer, cell phone, etc, unless she is with me. And we are together 100% of the time, except when we both are at work.

 

When at work, she gets a morning and afternoon break. She calls me and spends those breaks on the phone with me. Now, I can't control what happens at her job, but that place has very tightly controlled security and recorded phone conversations. I have to trust that he does not call her there, but if he did, it could place her job in jeopardy. Don't think she'd do that.

 

There has been extreme intimacy. Hysterical bonding for months, and she plans weekend getaways for the 2 of us. We've done more traveling in the last 5 months than we did in the last 5 years. And these are mostly paid by her. We have had separate finances since day 1.

 

I'm sure there are many things I am not mentioning. But, believe me, she is really trying to make it up to me. Not that that can be done.

[TigerCub]

Quite a lot of ways, honestly. Over the top transparency. Goes nowhere alone, by her choice. Started riding to and from work together. Lunch together. 100% of everything together.

 

If she even decides she needs to run to grocery store, she will stop me and tell me she needs to go and "come on, go with me". Everywhere, all the time. AND I LOVE IT.

 

Lots and lots of minor things. All things I do not ask for. She goes out of her way to prepare my favorite meals....all the time.....by surprise. She includes me in all her work-related events, doesn't have to. You name it, and she is doing all she can to show that I am her sole focus.

 

When using the abominable Facebook, she mentions me in most of her posts.....or at least "my husband and I". If she needs to get up and run to restroom, for example, she hands me her computer.....does not log out of anything....I know because she sits side-by-side with me so that there is nothing hidden.

 

As for pennance, we had all the shouting, cussing, crying, and revealing "discussions" you can imagine. It has been weeks since the last one though. She won't touch a computer, cell phone, etc, unless she is with me. And we are together 100% of the time, except when we both are at work.

 

When at work, she gets a morning and afternoon break. She calls me and spends those breaks on the phone with me. Now, I can't control what happens at her job, but that place has very tightly controlled security and recorded phone conversations. I have to trust that he does not call her there, but if he did, it could place her job in jeopardy. Don't think she'd do that.

 

There has been extreme intimacy. Hysterical bonding for months, and she plans weekend getaways for the 2 of us. We've done more traveling in the last 5 months than we did in the last 5 years. And these are mostly paid by her. We have had separate finances since day 1.

 

I'm sure there are many things I am not mentioning. But, believe me, she is really trying to make it up to me. Not that that can be done.

 

WOW - thanks for the honest and detailed reply.

 

To be perfectly honest, some of it shocked me - but I've never been married or had to deal with what you've been through..

 

I hope my next questions don't come off the wrong way...

 

Do you honestly like it or do you feel like her warden?

Do you think this will last? - I mean will this be what your life together is like forever?

 

for what its worth - she certainly seems to be going to great lengths to show you that she wants to earn your trust again...

[turnera]

Have you asked your wife to discuss things she'd like to change about your marriage?

[whichwayisup]

My W did not/has not gotten off free or easy. But he has not suffered any wrath from me AT ALL. She did.

 

Did OM's wife contact your wife, and give her hell, her wrath?

 

OM isn't important. Don't put focus and energy on someone who means nothing to you. The more focus you put on him, the more your wife becomes a victim. Even if you aren't meaning that to be, it's how it'll be perceived by your wife. Hope that makes sense.

 

Why should he suffer wrath from you? Isn't he getting that from his wife?

 

Honestly, if wasn't this OM (MM) would your wife still have had an affair? Is this the case of "it could've been anybody" or did your wife just fall for someone else.

[NotCamelot]

Have you asked your wife to discuss things she'd like to change about your marriage?

 

Actually, yes. Her main problem was that I spent too much time working causing her to be alone..... a lot....at night...weekends. The was the first thing mentioned. The only thing was that she did not think that I showed her that I love her.

 

I immediately stopped, cold turkey, the time away from her. We are away from home at the same times. I stopped focusing on things that did not include her as well. Within a week or two, she started commenting on how nice it was that "we" were back. She said, "I am so glad we found US." "All I ever wanted was for you to love me."

 

And, the funny thing is, those are the same things I was wanting as well. And she made changes, such as including me in all that she does. That did not happen previously.......her explanation: I just didn't think you wanted to be involved. Bottom line explanation: we got too busy to spend all our time together.

[NotCamelot]

Did OM's wife contact your wife, and give her hell, her wrath?

 

OM isn't important. Don't put focus and energy on someone who means nothing to you. The more focus you put on him, the more your wife becomes a victim. Even if you aren't meaning that to be, it's how it'll be perceived by your wife. Hope that makes sense.

 

Why should he suffer wrath from you? Isn't he getting that from his wife?

 

Honestly, if wasn't this OM (MM) would your wife still have had an affair? Is this the case of "it could've been anybody" or did your wife just fall for someone else.

 

 

I hear from a cousin of his that works for me, how happy he and his wife seem to be these days. It could and probably is a show. But she feels it was a revenge thing for him and seemed not to be that bothered about it considering.

 

So I don't think he has suffered much from his wife because of this.

 

I think it happened the way it did because this was a boyfried from 22 years ago that asked her to marry him back then. He told her all these stories about his wife cheating on him and he was looking for some one to "spend the rest of his life with". So he played on a lot of old emotions at a time when my W was feeling unloved.

[nofool4u]

Some of you are not understanding at all. My W did not/has not gotten off free or easy.

 

But she isn't going to endure the public exposure that you want for the OM.

 

You want MORE consequences for the OM.

 

 

But he has not suffered any wrath from me AT ALL.

 

And she hasn't suffered any wrath from his wife.

 

 

She did.

 

So you publicly exposed your wife? Because that is the wrath you want towards the OM. Again, you hold him MORE responsible than your wife.

 

 

Niether is more guilty. Though, maybe she is. But she has suffered consequences from ME, he has NOT.

 

Then confront him. But the path you suggest is to hold him MORE responsible than your wife.

 

 

I have had the chance to deal with her. No chance to deal with him.

 

And, the issue with him and his wife are none of my concern. I don't care whether she hangs him or awards him. I want him to suffer from me JUST AS WIFE HAS/IS.

 

No, you want to hold him MORE responsible.

 

Again, do what you want. Why are you asking us anyway? Its obvious you want to him to suffer a greater punishment than your wife.

 

So just freakin' do it already and go home and cuddle with the one that betrayed you the most.

[turnera]

And, the funny thing is, those are the same things I was wanting as well. And she made changes, such as including me in all that she does. That did not happen previously.......her explanation: I just didn't think you wanted to be involved. Bottom line explanation: we got too busy to spend all our time together.

Nice. The Marriage Builders plan for affair-proofing your marriage includes spending at least 15 hours a week together. Have you read His Needs Her Needs?

[Realist3]

Guitarjeff, nailed it IMO. Revenge is never going to make you feel whole.

 

You keep talking about wanting him to hurt like you have been hurt. You didn't have a bond with him, you had a bond with your wife. She is the one that hurt you.

 

In terms of outing him to his church? Bad idea. What is Christianity about? It is about the fact that we are all sinners, even the clergy, and we can get foregiveness through Christ. The clergy are not saints and should never be seen in that light.

 

Instead of wasting all of this energy on being obsessed with the him you should spend that energy making your life with your spouse better.

[Pillow]

I say,

 

Blow the s**** to the fan. People LOVE drama and a good scandal. It'll probably shake up the place and have people talking. Your story is juicy too; it's the preacher and a wife of a good husband. Is there an age difference between the two? I can hear the grapevine now. How many children do you have between you? They especially love it when it's about the skeletons of a uppity couple who pretends they are perfect. That's why people read Celebrity blogs; so they can hear all the gossip and then laugh about it. Blow it up; light it on Facebook; the only people who will be angry are cheaters themselves.

[meandmyself]

The hypocrisy is amazing!!

 

You hate this guy because he KNEW your wife was married.

Guess what - Your wife knew she was married as well, didn't she?

 

You want to out him and humiliate him, BUT...you don't want your wife mentioned. Oh well, ya know, cuz that would humiliate her and you (for staying with her) wouldn't it now...

can't have that.

 

You're mad, and you absolutely have every right to be mad, but why forgive her and hold all this anger at him.

He had a revenge affair, not the right thing to do either, but at least he had a reason to want to lash out at his partner.

 

What was your wife's reason for doing what she did to you?

 

If you want to confront him and out him and humiliate him, then be a man and do it face to face, not some cowardly anonymous account that ensures that you're not found out and leaves your cheater wife out of it.

 

If her OM deserves to be 'stoned', then shouldn't she deserve the same?

 

Edited to add - he should be outed to his wife and she should know what's going on - that's definitely true, but the rest of it just seems really hypocritical.

 

All what I need to say is: amen