Should I expose OM in very public way?

[todreaminblue]

Lots of you know my story, if not you can find it on the forum.

 

First, things are going great between my and W. There has been verifiable NC since D-Day. She professes to be 100% committed and in love with me. And, of course, me to her.

 

The only issues now are when my memory gets triggered and I feel the sadness and hurt for a little while. BUT, it is getting better.

 

I still feel and hold a lot of rage and anger toward the OM....for lots of reasons. Though my W says I should be mad at her and not him....... There may some truth to that. BUT, my contention was, and still is, he KNEW she was married as was he.

 

Recently I set up a fake facebook page with the profile of a woman so that I could spy on him and his friends...... just so that I could keep watch on his activity. I feel better if I see he stays with his also cheating wife.....and that there is no mention of my W in any of his conversations.

 

This guy presents himself to be a pillar of the community, carries keys to his church and delivers sermons at his church on Sunday mornings. What a hypocrite.....I know, as I have been told, he would be most devastated if he was exposed to his church since he does not "practice what he preaches".

 

I requested to be a friend of his church's facebook page. I, the fake me, was accepted.

 

Now..........

 

Do I post what happened? I certainly don't want to name my wife. But I would like to post on that page a short "warning" of who their leader really is.

 

I feel badly about taking this into a church, but, from my religous upbringing, he is wrong to hide that and be in that position.

 

Mainly I want to inflict the most damage I can on him without going to jail. And I know that this would crush him.

 

One of the texts he sent to my wife after their hotel encounter was: "I feel guilty doing the same thing she is doing. But I don't care. I just don't want to bring shame on my family" He was referring to his wife's affair that was 8 months on-going at that time.

 

Obviously I could not let anyone know that it was ME that did this, if I do it.

 

What would you do if you had a chance to hurt the one that hurt you?

 

 

Obviously I could not let anyone know that it was ME that did this, if I do it.

 

 

 

you want to expose someone for being deceitful by being deceitful....you are just as bad....i am not judging you by the way its not my place to judge your actions your story confused me a little....because bitterness revenge hatred confuse me...you dont have the right to judge anyone......you are doing saying and posting bitterness and revenge...this is fact again what i am psoting, i wont judge what you choose to do how am i to know what you do anyway....

 

 

.......i will offer some advice from my heart....let it go please work on your relationship with your wife sort out your own life and love.....dont worry about what is not yours...look after you and yours concentrate on what is good before twisted logic and bitterness cloud your life with regret and indecision and ultimately unwise choices.......i wish you well and hope that in good faith you might find my advice worthy of consideration.....good luck with you and yours...fill your life with good and goodness will follow your life..deb

[Snowflower]

 

I just feel like he should experience some pain from a direct act from me.

 

And, yes, he has aplogized and begged me to forgive him. He told me repeatedly that he badly regrets what he did. He even told me a couple things that W did not tell.

 

 

 

NC, first off, you have every right to be p*ssed at the OM in your situation. All this blather about how you should be angry with your wife and not on him is complete bunk, IMO. As I read once here and wholeheartedly believe, most BSs are good multi-taskers and can be p*ssed at their WS and the AP at the same time. Anger at one partner in the cheating does not mean the other one is off the hook. It's not rocket science!

 

If you decide that you really want to inform his church about what he has done, then do it the right way. Don't broadcast it where everyone in his church will know. Sure, he would be likely completely humiliated but you also will likely hurt innocent members of that church. I would imagine there are couples at that church who are also struggling with infidelity in their marriages and to have this happen, well wow...triggers! The betrayal those people would feel would be the result of a rather selfish desire on your part to get even with the OM.

 

However, as you said in your post above...the OM says he regretted his decisions. Maybe he was lying to you but perhaps he is truly trying to atone for his sins. You really have no way of knowing.

 

 

So, I have another suggestion for you: why don't you seek counsel from leadership in your own church/faith about what to do. Religious leadership will have experience/background in these types of situations and will be able to give you sound advice. It will be more objective and you can look at the moral/religious responsibilities you have to yourself, your wife, the OM, and that church.

 

Finally, if it were me, I wouldn't do it. The truth has a tendency to reveal itself and that means that I don't necessarily need to be the one to do it. Look at CIH's post below...the truth came out in an unexpected way:

 

 

It came out for the OW at her work as she is a tech person and her company pays her while she is on a job site which happened to be at my business, in my office at my desk....

Anyway, the hours didn't jive so her employee called me and I had NO idea at the time and told them I had no record of her working there w/my husband at those hours. It came out later when she outed my the A to me (to be mean & hurtful to me) after my husband dropped her. I called her employer and explained that she was apparently charging by the hour, her employers, for her extracurricular activities.

She was soon let go from her her job as these hours were just Some of unaccounted for hours including other "clients".

At her next job (she blamed me for this too, sheesh) she was let go... I think her new employer contacted her previous one & someone said something. I don't know though, I was just letting her employer at the time she worked for me that they should take their money back. I never said A or mentioned sex over my desk. I was too humiliated & embarrassed.

 

Bottom line is this female was her Own Worst Enemy. Still is. I WISH she could see the damage she is causing to her newer husband, child/Ren and loved ones.

 

CIH, I think this is the most remarkable story of the affair being exposed that I have ever read. I am so sorry that happened to you. The truth did come out though...truth has a funny way of doing that.

[NotCamelot]

NC, first off, you have every right to be p*ssed at the OM in your situation. All this blather about how you should be angry with your wife and not on him is complete bunk, IMO. As I read once here and wholeheartedly believe, most BSs are good multi-taskers and can be p*ssed at their WS and the AP at the same time. Anger at one partner in the cheating does not mean the other one is off the hook. It's not rocket science!

 

If you decide that you really want to inform his church about what he has done, then do it the right way. Don't broadcast it where everyone in his church will know. Sure, he would be likely completely humiliated but you also will likely hurt innocent members of that church. I would imagine there are couples at that church who are also struggling with infidelity in their marriages and to have this happen, well wow...triggers! The betrayal those people would feel would be the result of a rather selfish desire on your part to get even with the OM.

 

 

 

 

First, my W and I don't go to/have a church. I am a church member, but the church is 110 miles away so we rarely get to go. My W is a religious woman but does not believe in the church as a social function. And, further, she has pointed out things in the past that go on inside the church that are wrong and allowed to continue.... i.e. Jim Baker, Jimmy Swaggart, her OM!!!

 

However, thank you for your first comment. I feel that and believe that. He is NOT innocent and I can not treat him as if he were. And it does "take two to tango". But she could not have cheated without a partner......etc. I have been ultimately angry with my wife. But we have been and are working through that. And that is thing I have not been allowed to do with OM. I have to have a way to feel "compensated" for his action as well. And comments of regrets and apologies are not enough to satisfy me.

 

But......I have decided after all the comments from EVERYONE here: I will contact the leader of that church and tell him what I know. BUT, and here is the kicker, I know for a fact that OM and his W have been to couseling with the preacher at that church about each of their infedelities. So will that do any good? Probably not. And, if not, where do I go after that? I don't know.

 

I do feel that the memebers of that church that, pretty much, idolize this guy as a "perfect" christian, need to know what he is guilty of. Him being quietly removed from a position won't do that. No one would know because the reason would not be truly given. I want the ones who look up to him to know the truth. Otherwise he will simply lie to cover up the real reason.

 

And one of the many things he has appointed himself of at the church is leading childrens groups. Now, I ask you, is it right than an adulterer be the leader of childrens groups at a church without publicly confessing his sins - as the bible tells us.

 

I certainly do NOT want to enter into any philosophical or religious discussions here and do not mean to, but he should be outed for all he has done and ask forgiveness before asking to continue any type of leadership at a church. He should not be allowed to hide this from the church members and them have no say in who leads them.

 

I do want to inflict pain on him and I DO want him to know it came from me. I want to do something that will hurt him to the quick. And I am quite sincere when I say he can't do any further damage to me. And, as long as I continue to keep the records I have, there is no fear of any libel or slander charges.

 

My state is one where adultery is still a criminal offense. It is punishable by a minimum $1000 fine....or more and possible jail time if a judge wanted to do that. I have checked on this as many of my clients are attorneys. This is a rarely used law, but still viable and will be prosecuted if the injured party files and presses charges.

 

So that would hurt him. BUT, my W would also be charged. "takes two to tango". So I need something else.

 

On July 4th, my W had to work. I got up early and climbed on my Harley and rode to his driveway. I sat there a few minutes. Rode home, grabbed one of my pistols, went back to his driveway. I sat there seeing that his W was not home. I figured it would be just him and I would scare the !@#!@ out of him. Then I saw their 2 small kids playing outside. I left. I don't know if he ever knew who the guy on the Harley was in his driveway. But, I'm glad I left. Something could have happened I would have regretted.

 

 

So, I can NOT use a fake facebook page to do the damage. You guys are right. That is bad.

 

Call me bitter ( I am ). Call me obsessed ( I am ). But I did not do this to me! I have recieved many times over "compensation" from my W. We are comttited to putting this in the past and continuing our future together, although the relationship is different, it really is better now.

 

I know that his A with my W gave him a good feeling of satisfaction as revenge against his W. I don't want him to remember my W that way. I want him to remember it with true regret and be fearful if he ever saw her/us again.

 

I do know that once I get some kind of "revenge" at him, I will be in a much better place. That I do know.

[mercy]

NotCamelot, you need to meet with three church leaders, don't meet or talk to just one. There is a church board that a pastor answers to within most churches. Meet with three of them in person. Call and ask the church who the board members are, ask for a meeting with no less than three. I really do believe this is the way for you to go.

 

The board members would be very interested in knowing their pastor was seeking women online for relationships. A pastor is held to a higher standard, they need to know. Staying within the guidelines of the bible, he should have confessed to his parishioners. Stepping down from his position for a time would not be unheard of, it's the least he could do.

 

I think you just want him to be accountable for his actions and I don't think you're being unreasonable.

 

I've been on the board of our church for many years. If your case were brought before me I would request that he take a year long sabbatical. Most on the board would ask for his resignation. It would definitely be put to a vote.

[nofool4u]

There is no reason to ever stop hating the OM.

 

There is no reason to ever stop hating the WW, unless the BH wants to recover their marriage.

 

Yet people still post that the WW should get the same amount of hate as the OM gets.

 

Those people just don't get it.

 

Thats because it is not what we are saying, or at least I.

 

I am saying that his wife is the one that betrayed him directly and has more responsibility to be faithful to him.

 

Sure, he can hate the OM, but it makes no sense to pretty much stalk him when he is in love up to his eyeballs with his wife. SHE is the one that f'd him over.

[Guitarjeff]

Again, it couldn't be more clear that you are simply projecting your anger at your wife on to the OM. Sorry, but you and your wife aren't doing fine if you are having these feelings.

 

I suggest you read some stories from folks who tried to put infidelity in the past and have a marriage only to have failed. B y doing so, you may discover that what you are feeling is common to these people and you may find that outing the OM didn't really make them feel better as their feelings of bitterness and loss over their own marriage vows continued to haunt them until they realized that they would never stop hurting inside and decided to move on and find someone they could share that true bond of exclusivity with.

 

There is a difference between anger and pain. You may eventually get over the anger and be able to exist, but I believe the pain will always exist inside. You will always wonder, "What would it be like to grow old with someone who could never and has never cheated on me?"

 

You will think, "Do I deserve to have a partner who has never cheated on me?" You will know couples who have never had betrayal and you will know that this special bond does exist in their lives, while it doesn't in yours.

 

I say that these feelings in you are indicative of a far greater problem inside you than just outing the OM. This is about the loss of your wedding vows and I believe you will see this is true in the future. If you out him, your pain will simply manifest itself in other ways because the OM is really not the core problem here. The OM is simply the easiest target for your pain and loss that YOUR WIFE subjected you too.

 

Take the OM out of the picture and your pain will simply manifest itself in some other way in some other area.

 

I have read so many stories from women and men who were afraid to demand that the person they grow old with shares that special bond. They let fear of loneliness, economic fear, social fear or whatever force them in to believing that the slow cancer is an easier way, it holds less fear and many times that's why they chose to stay.

 

But most of the time, they eventually realize that just because the anger wears off, that doesn't mean the pain ever leaves. That doesn't mean they are not having to live without that very special bond that is truly part of the reason we get married to start with. They begin to realize that even though they are not angry anymore, that they don't hold any anger at their WS, they still feel the loss of that special bond that only a loyal marriage can have in that unique way.

 

In other words, they realize that they themselves simply have to demand for themselves that special bond with the person they grow old with and it has nothing to do with being angry at all.

 

You are still in the anger stage, and since you can't display this to your wife, you are deflecting it to the other man. I think you are in the beginning of the coaster ride. There is a better chance than not that this cancer will continue to consume you, and that you may spend even a couple years or more fighting your pain at the loss of that special bond, and only after this time you will realize that, though the anger is gone, the loss of that bond is simply not something you can accept and then you will move on in life and so will your wife.

 

It amazes me to see how different peoplehandle these situations. Some of the betrayed are able to take in the advice of people and see that it is their expectations of marriage are what will keep them from repairing things in the betrayed marriage, while others, for whatever reason, refuse to accept that they have truly lost something that has so much valueand they cannot muster the strength to see it from the start and so they buckle down and many live for years in the disease only to realize in the end that it wasn't about the anger that they were able to get over, it was always about the loss of something that they simply value more than they realized, something that in the end, they simply cannot live without and cannot be happy with out.

 

These people, many times, end up leaving anyway, but they are able to tell their spouse that this is not about still being angry, they can feel no more anger at all toward their WS, but it's more about them simply realizing that it's the special bond of exclusivity that they cannot live without, beyond the anger.

 

These mere fact that you are still in the anger phase, and you are deflecting it to the OM tells me you are far from being fine in your marriage.

 

Your real battle, after the anger wears off, is whether you can accept the loss of that special bond. I believe in ten years from now, you won't be angry any more at all. You will forgive, but you will never forget--just another way of saying "I'm not angry at her any more, she's just human and we are all flawed, but the loss of that special bond still hurts, and I now realize that this is the central question that O struggle with--AM I WORTH growing old with someone who has never cheated on me?" "I can't help wondering what it would be like to have that bond again, and I can't stop wanting and needing that bond, even though I feel no more anger toward my spouse at all.

 

So let this anger at the OM go. This isn't even close to the real battle inside your own self that you will wage over the coming years.

 

No one will be able to help you decide the real batlle, not even your wife. Only you will be able to decide if you yourself can actually be happy in life without that special exclusivity bond. Not to just exist, but can you actually be happy and joyful in life without it. Can you see other couples who have it, like you used to, and feel you are just as emotionally satisfied as they are.

 

Many people stay and decide that they can deal with that loss. That's for everyone to decide inside their own hearts. For me personally, I don't believe true happiness comes back simply because of human nature to value that special bond so much. I know that with the people I Know personally, that they stayed because it was the lesser of two evils. I have seen in them the conflict inside of them knowing in their hearts that they didn't get married to start with because it was the lesser of two evils and now I see the pain in them that their marriage has been reduced to that, to being the lesser of two evils, just existing and calling it a happy marriage because the anger has simply faded.

 

That's why I believe that most betrayed spouses, in the end, would be happier inside if they were to move on and find love that does hold that special exclusivity that is such a huge part of the reason to get married.

 

Only you willbe able to fight that battle, and it has nothing to do with anger at the OM or even at your spouse. It's much bigger than that. So drop this anger thing, because it is not the enemy inside in the end. The real battle is one you will fight inside over the many months or years of your future, and anger at the other guy or your wife isn't the issue. get started on the deeper and larger question and stop obsessing over this small aspect of your life.

[BetrayedH]

Again, it couldn't be more clear that you are simply projecting your anger at your wife on to the OM. Sorry, but you and your wife aren't doing fine if you are having these feelings.

 

I suggest you read some stories from folks who tried to put infidelity in the past and have a marriage only to have failed. B y doing so, you may discover that what you are feeling is common to these people and you may find that outing the OM didn't really make them feel better as their feelings of bitterness and loss over their own marriage vows continued to haunt them until they realized that they would never stop hurting inside and decided to move on and find someone they could share that true bond of exclusivity with.

 

There is a difference between anger and pain. You may eventually get over the anger and be able to exist, but I believe the pain will always exist inside. You will always wonder, "What would it be like to grow old with someone who could never and has never cheated on me?"

 

You will think, "Do I deserve to have a partner who has never cheated on me?" You will know couples who have never had betrayal and you will know that this special bond does exist in their lives, while it doesn't in yours.

 

I say that these feelings in you are indicative of a far greater problem inside you than just outing the OM. This is about the loss of your wedding vows and I believe you will see this is true in the future. If you out him, your pain will simply manifest itself in other ways because the OM is really not the core problem here. The OM is simply the easiest target for your pain and loss that YOUR WIFE subjected you too.

 

Take the OM out of the picture and your pain will simply manifest itself in some other way in some other area.

 

I have read so many stories from women and men who were afraid to demand that the person they grow old with shares that special bond. They let fear of loneliness, economic fear, social fear or whatever force them in to believing that the slow cancer is an easier way, it holds less fear and many times that's why they chose to stay.

 

But most of the time, they eventually realize that just because the anger wears off, that doesn't mean the pain ever leaves. That doesn't mean they are not having to live without that very special bond that is truly part of the reason we get married to start with. They begin to realize that even though they are not angry anymore, that they don't hold any anger at their WS, they still feel the loss of that special bond that only a loyal marriage can have in that unique way.

 

In other words, they realize that they themselves simply have to demand for themselves that special bond with the person they grow old with and it has nothing to do with being angry at all.

 

You are still in the anger stage, and since you can't display this to your wife, you are deflecting it to the other man. I think you are in the beginning of the coaster ride. There is a better chance than not that this cancer will continue to consume you, and that you may spend even a couple years or more fighting your pain at the loss of that special bond, and only after this time you will realize that, though the anger is gone, the loss of that bond is simply not something you can accept and then you will move on in life and so will your wife.

 

It amazes me to see how different peoplehandle these situations. Some of the betrayed are able to take in the advice of people and see that it is their expectations of marriage are what will keep them from repairing things in the betrayed marriage, while others, for whatever reason, refuse to accept that they have truly lost something that has so much valueand they cannot muster the strength to see it from the start and so they buckle down and many live for years in the disease only to realize in the end that it wasn't about the anger that they were able to get over, it was always about the loss of something that they simply value more than they realized, something that in the end, they simply cannot live without and cannot be happy with out.

 

These people, many times, end up leaving anyway, but they are able to tell their spouse that this is not about still being angry, they can feel no more anger at all toward their WS, but it's more about them simply realizing that it's the special bond of exclusivity that they cannot live without, beyond the anger.

 

These mere fact that you are still in the anger phase, and you are deflecting it to the OM tells me you are far from being fine in your marriage.

 

Your real battle, after the anger wears off, is whether you can accept the loss of that special bond. I believe in ten years from now, you won't be angry any more at all. You will forgive, but you will never forget--just another way of saying "I'm not angry at her any more, she's just human and we are all flawed, but the loss of that special bond still hurts, and I now realize that this is the central question that O struggle with--AM I WORTH growing old with someone who has never cheated on me?" "I can't help wondering what it would be like to have that bond again, and I can't stop wanting and needing that bond, even though I feel no more anger toward my spouse at all.

 

So let this anger at the OM go. This isn't even close to the real battle inside your own self that you will wage over the coming years.

 

No one will be able to help you decide the real batlle, not even your wife. Only you will be able to decide if you yourself can actually be happy in life without that special exclusivity bond. Not to just exist, but can you actually be happy and joyful in life without it. Can you see other couples who have it, like you used to, and feel you are just as emotionally satisfied as they are.

 

Many people stay and decide that they can deal with that loss. That's for everyone to decide inside their own hearts. For me personally, I don't believe true happiness comes back simply because of human nature to value that special bond so much. I know that with the people I Know personally, that they stayed because it was the lesser of two evils. I have seen in them the conflict inside of them knowing in their hearts that they didn't get married to start with because it was the lesser of two evils and now I see the pain in them that their marriage has been reduced to that, to being the lesser of two evils, just existing and calling it a happy marriage because the anger has simply faded.

 

That's why I believe that most betrayed spouses, in the end, would be happier inside if they were to move on and find love that does hold that special exclusivity that is such a huge part of the reason to get married.

 

Only you willbe able to fight that battle, and it has nothing to do with anger at the OM or even at your spouse. It's much bigger than that. So drop this anger thing, because it is not the enemy inside in the end. The real battle is one you will fight inside over the many months or years of your future, and anger at the other guy or your wife isn't the issue. get started on the deeper and larger question and stop obsessing over this small aspect of your life.

 

I think this is a good post and represents what many having been trying to say. The OM is a really irrelevant player in this situation now. It's about you healing.

 

The only thing I would add is that some do seem to be very happily reconciled and don't regret the decision. Perhaps the break in that exclusivity bond isn't the end all, be all of everything. Yet others lament the decision to stay permanently. I think the trick is knowing which camp you are in.

[NotCamelot]

I think you miss my point. I am happy to forgive and accept my wife. I love her completely. I know she hurt me. She knows it. She has been truly repentant and totally loving. She accepts and admits fault and says I should blame her entirely.

 

But, the OM did indeed willfully and with full knowledge hurt me. Tell me, using your logic, why should he not hurt......why should he escape unscathed except for the wrath of his wife? Yes, I did talk to his wife on d-day.

 

I just don't think I can be satisfied until I know that he is hurt by me in some way.

 

Maybe that is crazy, maybe that is obsessive; insane even. But, I feel that he did damage to me and has not made any amends for it.

 

It would be a different situation if my wife were guilty of anything that she did alone. Then I could see that it was only her that would be guilty. But this was the two of them. She has been the object of all the emotions I have had. He has walked away without any reprecussions of his actions.

 

Here, in the South, that ain't right........ (humour intended).

[NotCamelot]

It is not as if the AP was just an innocent bystander or an unwilling partner in the A. That person ALSO hurt you. In my case, and in a most of them, the AP knew that your spouse was married and STILL carried on with them.

 

So, with that in mind, someone please tell us why they don't deserve some hate from the betrayed. I have not heard an argument yet that does that.

 

We know to be angry at our spouse. We know that the spouse wronged us. We know that the spouse broke vows. BUT THEY DID NOT DO IT ALONE!!

 

In fairy-tale-land, the AP would not know your spouse was married and THEN would be totally undeserving of the anger and hatred. But that's not where I live.

[Furious]

The WS owns 100% of the blame for cheating.

 

The thing is the OW/OM's hands are not clean, unless they were lied to and didn't know the WS was married, are also to blame for being an accessory to deceit.

 

I can't wrap my mind around how someone can participate in dishonesty and not feel any kind of guilt or dismiss the betrayed spouse as irrelevant and unworthy of respect.

 

I would never knowingly hurt a stranger. There are people who risk their lives for a stranger, that as a civil society we value others whether we know them or not.

 

I just can't wrap my head around the reasoning when an OW/OM can say they broke no vow or don't know the betrayed spouse and therefore they've done nothing wrong.

[NotCamelot]

What would you do to him if you had no repercussions at all? Maim him, kill him?

 

If you live in a state that has alienation of affection laws, there is a legal avenue for you and a whole lot smarter than jail time. You can google and find out if your state has them.

 

If he is still with his wife, or they are apart, how could he escape at least some consequences?

 

I don't know what I would do. I feel that expposing him to those that he lets think he is so righteous would do him the most harm.........plus, it would help those who think that way about him, they should not. I know, for a fact, that doing that would devastate him. I say this based on things he said to my W in email. He holds that "reputation" in the highest esteem.

 

He was VERY clear to her that "....no one can know. If we move slowly we can tell everyone later. I just don't want to bring shame on my family." That where I want to hit him.

 

There are no "alienation of affection" laws in this state. If there were, I would certainly persue that avenue. There are criminal laws regarding adultery, but that would require charges against my W as well.

 

He and his W are still together. When I called her, she told me of her 8 month (at that time) affair that he knew about. She called me later to tell me he "is not going anywhere". I know they are together because one of his cousins works for me. Though he is oblivious, I hear about things at their church all the time......along with general conversations that talk about OM sometimes.

 

Bottom line, for me: He hurt me. I feel he sould feel some pain generated by me. Telling his wife was not enough. She was just as guilty of an A as he was, so it was a "wash" for them. I want him to feel hurt directly caused by my action. That is what he did, or helped do, to me.

[CarboniteCammy]

I understand wanting to lash out and hurt him and I've never been in your situation exactly, so I don't want to come across like I'm judging you.

 

I've just found that karma tends to follow people like that around and often times you don't have to waste your time/energy punishing them because they often bring punishment down upon themselves in some way or another.

 

I dated a guy a long long time ago who was a really bad person by almost anyone's definition. He stole alot of money from me, ruined my credit, and then blamed me for being an easy target. I was an easy target. I'm usually way too trusting.

 

I heard the other day that he was in jail on an Indian reservation out west for running drugs through their community, and that he had been in jail there for over a year. I didn't have to do anything to him to get him put in jail. He's a bad dude, and he got himself in trouble just like I knew he would.

 

Just some food for thought.

 

Plus, it might serve you better to put all that energy into rebuilding your marriage. Focusing on this other guy isn't going to make the relationship between you and your wife any better.

[Got it]

I don't know what I would do. I feel that expposing him to those that he lets think he is so righteous would do him the most harm.........plus, it would help those who think that way about him, they should not. I know, for a fact, that doing that would devastate him. I say this based on things he said to my W in email. He holds that "reputation" in the highest esteem.

 

He was VERY clear to her that "....no one can know. If we move slowly we can tell everyone later. I just don't want to bring shame on my family." That where I want to hit him.

 

There are no "alienation of affection" laws in this state. If there were, I would certainly persue that avenue. There are criminal laws regarding adultery, but that would require charges against my W as well.

 

He and his W are still together. When I called her, she told me of her 8 month (at that time) affair that he knew about. She called me later to tell me he "is not going anywhere". I know they are together because one of his cousins works for me. Though he is oblivious, I hear about things at their church all the time......along with general conversations that talk about OM sometimes.

 

Bottom line, for me: He hurt me. I feel he sould feel some pain generated by me. Telling his wife was not enough. She was just as guilty of an A as he was, so it was a "wash" for them. I want him to feel hurt directly caused by my action. That is what he did, or helped do, to me.

 

It is your choice to hurt him by exposing him to others. It isn't against the law and well within your rights. But once you do that you do lose control of the reaction to it. You don't know if you will be believed, if others will care, and what the ripple effect will be. You don't know what affect the ripple effect will have on your wife as you are pulling her into the limelight as well. His side, his wife, are just as justified to lash out at your wife.

 

If you are fine with all of this, if you have no expectations on what the resulting reactions will be go for it. But do you really think you will feel any better the next day? The next month? Will this level the playing field for you that you can move on? Are you prepared that it may be a hollow victory?

 

It isn't illegal. It isn't that unreasonable either. So it is within your right. Just make sure you can answer and be okay with the "then what" questions after it. Because you can't pull it back once you do it. It is what it is and the chips will fall where they may.

[nikkin09]

Lots of you know my story, if not you can find it on the forum.

 

First, things are going great between my and W. There has been verifiable NC since D-Day. She professes to be 100% committed and in love with me. And, of course, me to her.

 

The only issues now are when my memory gets triggered and I feel the sadness and hurt for a little while. BUT, it is getting better.

 

I still feel and hold a lot of rage and anger toward the OM....for lots of reasons. Though my W says I should be mad at her and not him....... There may some truth to that. BUT, my contention was, and still is, he KNEW she was married as was he.

 

Recently I set up a fake facebook page with the profile of a woman so that I could spy on him and his friends...... just so that I could keep watch on his activity. I feel better if I see he stays with his also cheating wife.....and that there is no mention of my W in any of his conversations.

 

This guy presents himself to be a pillar of the community, carries keys to his church and delivers sermons at his church on Sunday mornings. What a hypocrite.....I know, as I have been told, he would be most devastated if he was exposed to his church since he does not "practice what he preaches".

 

I requested to be a friend of his church's facebook page. I, the fake me, was accepted.

 

Now..........

 

Do I post what happened? I certainly don't want to name my wife. But I would like to post on that page a short "warning" of who their leader really is.

 

I feel badly about taking this into a church, but, from my religous upbringing, he is wrong to hide that and be in that position.

 

Mainly I want to inflict the most damage I can on him without going to jail. And I know that this would crush him.

 

One of the texts he sent to my wife after their hotel encounter was: "I feel guilty doing the same thing she is doing. But I don't care. I just don't want to bring shame on my family" He was referring to his wife's affair that was 8 months on-going at that time.

 

Obviously I could not let anyone know that it was ME that did this, if I do it.

 

What would you do if you had a chance to hurt the one that hurt you?

 

According to Dr. Harley from Marriage Builders website, and they have a great forum , you are suppose to expose far, and wide!

[nikkin09]

When my Xh cheated on me I was angry and did some things I regret...just a little and not very often.

 

But you are bordering mentally ill, which is understandable in the short term...but not the long.

 

First - doing anything to another person anonymously is cheap and wrong and distasteful. Own it or dont do it.

 

Stop stalking him. You are allowing the toxins of the affair to still be a part of your marriage by doing this.

 

You absolutely have every right to tell his spouse. You have every single right to tell him what you think of him.

 

You have no right to publicly stone him.

 

On a g0od note however, you might consider becoming a non participating member of his church, as yourself, just so he knows you could stone him if you were a nutjob. Not forever, just til you feel better or he implodes which he probably will without your help.

 

Just dont BE the nutjob.

He has EVERY RIGHT TO PUBLICLY EXPOSE HIM>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[NotCamelot]

His side, his wife, are just as justified to lash out at your wife.

 

 

From the conversations I've had with his wife, I don't think any of that will happen. It certainly could. But, she still would like her A kept hidden as well. I have no intention of "outing" her. That part is definitely off limits as far as I'm concerned. As long as she leaves me alone, I do the same. In fact most of the info back on d-day came from her after she blasted him with what I told her. She was very agreeable to helping me, at least then.

 

I realize that hurting him indirectly affects her. But, she already knows more than I do about all of the mess. So, there will be nothing new for her to learn. And, as long as I don't mention her and what she was/is doing.......well, I'd still have more ammo in the chamber than she does.

 

Would she be justifed to lash out or try to harm my wife? Yeah, I guess so. I don't think that will happen based on conversations I've had with her. She contaced my W the on D-day anyway. Very, very short one sentence conversation.

[Got it]

From the conversations I've had with his wife, I don't think any of that will happen. It certainly could. But, she still would like her A kept hidden as well. I have no intention of "outing" her. That part is definitely off limits as far as I'm concerned. As long as she leaves me alone, I do the same. In fact most of the info back on d-day came from her after she blasted him with what I told her. She was very agreeable to helping me, at least then.

 

I realize that hurting him indirectly affects her. But, she already knows more than I do about all of the mess. So, there will be nothing new for her to learn. And, as long as I don't mention her and what she was/is doing.......well, I'd still have more ammo in the chamber than she does.

 

Would she be justifed to lash out or try to harm my wife? Yeah, I guess so. I don't think that will happen based on conversations I've had with her. She contaced my W the on D-day anyway. Very, very short one sentence conversation.

 

Sure but you are changing the ballgame, you are upping the ante. Based on the premise that you currently have she has no interest in doing so, exposing publicly she may feel her life, image, reputation, etc. is directly impacted now as well and will try and hit back to minimize. She may actively try and discredit you as well if she didn't want it public.

 

Who knows, you can't know. It is about letting the chips fall where they may and understanding that piece of it. If the ripple effect, whatever it may be is worth the piece of mind of telling/feeling like you are standing up for yourself.

 

It is your call definitely and a very personal choice. Just think it through, make sure you are at peace with the big picture, and go from there. It may be beneficial to speak to a therapist as well (if you haven't already) to make sure whatever you decide to do is in your best interest and the best interest of your healing.

[nofool4u]

I think you miss my point. I am happy to forgive and accept my wife. I love her completely. I know she hurt me. She knows it. She has been truly repentant and totally loving. She accepts and admits fault and says I should blame her entirely.

 

But, the OM did indeed willfully and with full knowledge hurt me.

 

So did your wife.

 

 

Tell me, using your logic, why should he not hurt......why should he escape unscathed except for the wrath of his wife?

 

He shouldn't. But if you are going to slobber all over the women that betrayed you by having sex with another man, then by all means, out the other man to his wife. I wouldn't do it publicly. He should suffer the same consequences as your wife, even though I don't see your wife suffering much in the way of consequences.

 

So if you want to do it to him publicly, then your wife should suffer the same.

 

Now I'm not saying your wife should be exposed publicly. I'm saying the OM should suffer the same d-day as your wife. Expose him to his wife and let them deal with his betrayal just as you dealt with your wife's.

 

 

Yes, I did talk to his wife on d-day.

 

Then you are done. He has been exposed. Anything else is ridiculous misdirected anger.

 

I just don't think I can be satisfied until I know that he is hurt by me in some way.

 

Then your wife should be hurt by his wife in some way. What would you do if his wife sought to publicly humiliate your wife? Would you step back and let it happen since it is fitting justice if thats what you want for her husband?

 

 

Maybe that is crazy, maybe that is obsessive; insane even.

 

But, I feel that he did damage to me and has not made any amends for it.

 

Ok then, you do what you think you have to do. And when you do, you suggest to your wife that she make amends to his wife for the damage she did to her.

 

 

It would be a different situation if my wife were guilty of anything that she did alone. Then I could see that it was only her that would be guilty. But this was the two of them. She has been the object of all the emotions I have had. He has walked away without any reprecussions of his actions.

 

If you outted him to his wife, that is his consequences. If for some reason his wife isn't holding his feet to the fire, thats on her.

 

Here, in the South, that ain't right........ (humour intended).

 

Like I said, if you think he needs to make amends to you, then your wife needs to make amends with his wife.

 

Question, what would you do if his wife publicly humiliated your wife and obsessed over revenge of your wife as you want to do to him?

 

Would you let it happen? Would you defend your wife? If so, then you have to see how hypocritical it would be for the OM to suffer more than your wife.

 

Don't get me wrong, people in affairs should suffer, on both sides, the cheater, and their affair partner.

 

But if your wife's consequences are that you and her dealt with it in private, then that should be the consequences for him. If you want more for him, you should want more for your wife.

[nofool4u]

It is not as if the AP was just an innocent bystander or an unwilling partner in the A. That person ALSO hurt you. In my case, and in a most of them, the AP knew that your spouse was married and STILL carried on with them.

 

So, with that in mind, someone please tell us why they don't deserve some hate from the betrayed.

 

You aren't listening. They most certainly do deserve your hate, and they most certainly do have a responsibility in your betrayal, just not as much as your wife.

 

This may be a poor example, but I'll use it anyway, just like Richard Gere's line in Unfaithful. He accidentally killed his wife's lover, and when his wife found out he said, "I didn't want to kill him I wanted to kill you!"

 

So just forget the "kill" part in those lines. The principle is, he was more angry with his wife than the other man. Angry at the OM he should have been, but his character's anger was more appropriately directed.

 

 

 

I have not heard an argument yet that does that.

 

Thats because you aren't understanding what we are saying. Nobody will argue that you shouldn't be angry at the OM.

 

 

We know to be angry at our spouse. We know that the spouse wronged us. We know that the spouse broke vows. BUT THEY DID NOT DO IT ALONE!!

 

Exactly, but they are MORE responsible in the betrayal of their own spouse.

[NotCamelot]

Would you let it happen? Would you defend your wife? If so, then you have to see how hypocritical it would be for the OM to suffer more than your wife.

 

Don't get me wrong, people in affairs should suffer, on both sides, the cheater, and their affair partner.

 

But if your wife's consequences are that you and her dealt with it in private, then that should be the consequences for him. If you want more for him, you should want more for your wife.

 

If feel he, OM, owes restitution to me, just as my W does. He does not get to crawl away without punishment. He is just as guilty.

 

I don't think it would happen. But, if it did.......I would not enjoy it, but wouldn't it be deserved????? I would not/could not defend that. IF IT WAS TRUE.

 

And, on your post, it is not my position to ask or want my W to make ameds to anyone other than me. She is doing that. If the OM's W wants anything, that is for her to decide. Not me.

[nofool4u]

He has EVERY RIGHT TO PUBLICLY EXPOSE HIM>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

He already did. He outted him to the other guy's wife.

 

And yes he has every right to expose him.

 

The problem is he wants more consequences for the OM than he does his wife. Thats what he doesn't get.

[nofool4u]

If feel he, OM, owes restitution to me, just as my W does. He does not get to crawl away without punishment.

 

He is getting the same punishment as your wife is, and that is for them to deal with it as you and your wife have dealt with it.

 

 

He is just as guilty.

 

But you want to treat him as if he is MORE guilty than your wife.

 

 

And, on your post, it is not my position to ask or want my W to make ameds to anyone other than me. She is doing that. If the OM's W wants anything, that is for her to decide. Not me.

 

Again, you are wanting to treat him as if he is MORE guilty and want him to suffer MORE consequences than your wife.

 

You know what, I change my mind, go ahead, out him publicly. Treat him as if this is more his fault than your wife.

 

Out him, humiliate him, and stalk him if ya like. Then slobber all over your wife as if this was more him than her.

 

If this is your mindset, your wife got off easy. With the hellfire you want to bring down on OM, your wife skated.

 

So do your worst and ignore the real problem, your wife.

[Got it]

He is getting the same punishment as your wife is, and that is for them to deal with it as you and your wife have dealt with it.

 

 

 

 

But you want to treat him as if he is MORE guilty than your wife.

 

 

 

 

Again, you are wanting to treat him as if he is MORE guilty and want him to suffer MORE consequences than your wife.

 

You know what, I change my mind, go ahead, out him publicly. Treat him as if this is more his fault than your wife.

 

Out him, humiliate him, and stalk him if ya like. Then slobber all over your wife as if this was more him than her.

 

If this is your mindset, your wife got off easy. With the hellfire you want to bring down on OM, your wife skated.

 

So do your worst and ignore the real problem, your wife.

 

Piggybacking on this, if you find out years down the road, your wife cheats again, will it still be this level of energy towards the OM? At some point you will have to recognize, that it has always be more about your wife, more about her betrayal of you, more about her knowingly hitting you where she knows you are most vulnerable than anyone else.

 

But please look at whether you are holding him more accountable, more at fault and should suffer more than your wife and why?

[NotCamelot]

Some of you are not understanding at all. My W did not/has not gotten off free or easy. But he has not suffered any wrath from me AT ALL. She did.

 

Niether is more guilty. Though, maybe she is. But she has suffered consequences from ME, he has NOT.

 

I have had the chance to deal with her. No chance to deal with him.

 

And, the issue with him and his wife are none of my concern. I don't care whether she hangs him or awards him. I want him to suffer from me JUST AS WIFE HAS/IS.

[Owl]

Then just do it already.