Should I expose OM in very public way?

[TigerCub]

You have every right to be mad and angry and want revenge when it comes to the OM, but....

Well, so far, I have not moved on this. I probably will not as long as things continue the way they are.

 

I did have 3 conversations with his wife back on d-day. I called her once, she called me twice. She contacted my W for a one-sentence conversation.

 

I know exactly what my W and I have been going through. I just feel like he (OM) is getting off free........screwing another guy's wife and getting away with it - even after being found out. This bothers me.

 

How is he getting off free?

You mean, that after cheating, his spouse stayed with him and he didn't suffer more?

 

Couldn't the same be said for your wife if that's the case?

Didn't she get off free as well?

 

 

 

For those that say I should be mad at W and not mad at him: I know that I would never touch a married woman - regardless of what her situation was.....BECAUSE I know it would hurt her husband. If I was interested in her she would have to get free first. (Of course, I'd be single as well.)

 

The way I see it, there is and never will be a reason for someone to "carry on" with a married person. There are plenty of single available people to pick from. And, yes, you would know that you are inflicting pain on that person's spouse without just cause. It is a selfish act. It is not done without regard for the offended party.

 

If an affair was carried out without regard for the betrayed spouse, it would never be done secretly. Both parties of the affair know they are doing wrong, that is why they hide it.

 

So, yes, I have been mad at my W and there are times that I still am. But I am also mad at OM, and I feel I have a right to be.

 

Your wife was guilty of that too - she messed around with a married man - so she hurt his spouse without just cause, and she inflicted pain.

So she committed the same acts that you hate so much about OM.

 

ALSO - then she hurts YOU by betraying you and cheating on you - so she's double guilty (towards you)

1. by betraying you and cheating on you and

2. by acting like everything you hate (by inflicting pain on a betrayed spouse - her OM's wife)

 

I think your wife is definitely the one that got off free because she gets to keep you and encourages you to project all your hatred and anger (that should be directed at her for her actions) onto her partner in crime.

 

I'm really not trying to judge you or come off as harsh or insensitive. I am truly sorry you're in the situation you're in, I just think that its odd that everything you hate when it comes to her OM you are willing to overlook and pardon when it comes to her.

 

I do hope you move on past your pain and find happiness because no one deserved that pain you're experiencing.

[TigerCub]

I replied before seeing your reply OP.

 

You seem to feel strongly about that - that because you interact with her, its giving you a chance to forgive her.

 

One thing I will point out though.

 

In your revenge plot you wanted to hurt him AND make sure that your wife was spared. In that plot you didn't care how badly OM would hurt or how badly this will blow back on his wife.

You - from the BS view know that pain a BS feels and yet you were willing to inflict more pain/humiliation on her just to get back at her cheating husband.

 

Just saying...you thought OM should be more sensitive to BSs because he was betrayed before.

But you didn't seem to care how your actions would add more pain to a BS (his wife) even though at this point you've been there too.

[NotCamelot]

 

Your wife was guilty of that too - she messed around with a married man - so she hurt his spouse without just cause, and she inflicted pain.

So she committed the same acts that you hate so much about OM.

 

 

While I agree with most of what you said, I should clarify on this point. The OM's wife was currently cheating on him. (That is one of the things he told my wife to get to her.) So, maybe his wife did deserve the hurt she had coming. She told me that she had been in an A for 8 months (at that time). So, IMHO, the one who got the most hurt out of all of this was me. There were 3 (out of 4) people cheating. I was the one sitting at home trying to be a good husband.

[TigerCub]

While I agree with most of what you said, I should clarify on this point. The OM's wife was currently cheating on him. (That is one of the things he told my wife to get to her.) So, maybe his wife did deserve the hurt she had coming. She told me that she had been in an A for 8 months (at that time). So, IMHO, the one who got the most hurt out of all of this was me. There were 3 (out of 4) people cheating. I was the one sitting at home trying to be a good husband.

 

Thank you for clarifying and I thought of that as I was writing.

 

However...your wife is not judge, jury and executioner for the OM's wife.

the OM and his wife have a crappy relationship where they cheat on each other - fine, sucks to be them,

But...that still doesn't give your wife the Ok to mess around with the guy.

 

So...now that you have been cheated on, does that mean that you can go out and cheat because its ok now, since your wife is a cheat?

 

 

What goes on in your marriage should be between you and your wife - just like all the problems and that mess that is their marriage (OM, his wife) should be between them - its not up to your wife or you to deal out justice and decide who deserves it and who doesn't.

 

I will certainly agree, that yes, you were the one to get hurt the most (you didn't do anything to bring this on) and it isn't fair and I am sorry.

[BetrayedH]

I don't know what face-to-face interaction with your wife has to do with her being given a pass while the OM has no such opportunity and so he must be punished.

 

You can be in denial about it all you want but you are being called out on a legitimate double-standard. If you're going to be judge, jury, and executioner, at least be consistent. As has been pointed out, they are both equally guilty and if anything, it is your wife that personally betrayed you. What the hell does "face-to-face interaction" have to do with anything? She has face-to-face sex with you, too. Does that make her less guilty? You clearly just have an emotional attachment to your wife and none with the OM. If you're going to be judge, jury, and executioner, you should expect people to call you out on being fair in your judgments and not give some people a free pass because they happen to be your wife.

 

Convict them both or forgive them both.

 

And again, I think this is a giant distraction from where your attention should be focused, which is on your marriage.

 

I will give you one out here, and that is that if your religious beliefs compel you to stop his congregation from being led by a false prophet then it makes sense that the church leadership should have a right to be able to make an informed decision about who is leading their congregation. But is that really your motivation? A religious and moral conviction to protect the church? I think it is about revenge and that's not healthy for you.

 

I don't mean for any of this to be cruel. You and I were both horribly betrayed by our wives. But the fact is that you can't sweep that anger at her under the rug and then just redirect it towards the OM. You have to process your anger at your wife, not deflect it elsewhere. Doesn't make you a bad guy; it's pretty damn normal. Just sounds like a good subject for individual counseling to me. Keep your anger focused where it belongs and address it; things are not "all good" at home if you still harbor this kind of resentment.

 

Keep your chin up; this is all part of the process.

[underwater2010]

My vote is for sitting down with the other leaders at his church. Expose him there and only there. Let them decide how to handle him. Most likely he will be asked to step down. Which will lead to him leaving that church.

 

Please do not put this on facebook for all to see.

[Owl]

My vote is for sitting down with the other leaders at his church. Expose him there and only there. Let them decide how to handle him. Most likely he will be asked to step down. Which will lead to him leaving that church.

 

Please do not put this on facebook for all to see.

 

I agree with this. Actually, I don't think need to speak with the leaders WITHIN his church, but rather you need to speak to the leaders ABOVE his church (whatever 'faith' his church is, they have some kind of board of governance).

 

Be up front as to who you are, be willing to share 'evidence' with them as needed, and inform them that you're doing this because it's clear that he should NOT be in a position of spiritual leadership/guidance.

[Decorative]

You sound really pleased about the cockroach analogy.

 

Did that make you feel like a higher being than the APs?

 

If they were cockroaches, how would you conceive yourself in this?

 

Presumably sunlight is the moral light of right.

 

As an exercise in BS awareness expansion, can you think of any other reasons they might have scuttled away once the infidelity was exposed?

 

I think the cockroach analogy could be worked on here - perfect for the dirty connotations which prevail re As, but not very systematic. Cockroaches can reputedly survive WW3.

 

But they don't do so well facing a BS.

 

Am I a higher being than the AP's? No- but my behavior as a human being has been better than theirs. The OW is a repeat offender, and my spouse made horrible, hurtful choices.

 

I didn't lie, cheat or gaslight anyone. I didn't hurt anyone. I told the truth of the situation - to multiple people, and their affair died out immediately.

 

As for your suggested exercise in BS awareness ? yes. Because of exposure forcing their relationship into the real world- it fell apart immediately. It didn't have the mechanics or ability to survive, nor did my spouse want it to. Which is a pretty common ending to affairs after exposure, when the waywards are faced with a choice .

 

Was I pleased with what I did? Yes. It was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life, and I did it knowing that I was likely ending my marriage. But I had lost 40 pounds from stress, my hair was falling out, I couldn't sleep, and was slowing falling apart from the anxiety of a false recovery, and the level of gaslighting I was enduring. Exposure gave me power back, and the strength to say enough.

[nofool4u]

For those that say I should be mad at W and not mad at him:

 

Not saying you shouldn't be mad at him. Of course you should be mad at him, just not such seething anger at him while being in love up to your eyeballs with the woman that betrayed you.

 

 

I know that I would never touch a married woman - regardless of what her situation was.....BECAUSE I know it would hurt her husband.

 

Your wife shouldn't have been available for him to touch. Thats the point. She did this directly to you.

 

 

The way I see it, there is and never will be a reason for someone to "carry on" with a married person.

 

I agree. But they wouldn't have the opportunity if the married person didn't make themselves available for an affair in the first place.

 

Someone who will bed down a married person, IMO, is scum. But that is irrelevant. Your wife made herself available to the guy. She is responsible for being faithful to you, and the OM has a responsibility to not be an ahole.

 

 

There are plenty of single available people to pick from. And, yes, you would know that you are inflicting pain on that person's spouse without just cause. It is a selfish act. It is not done without regard for the offended party.

 

I agree, but your wife is more guilty of the above.

 

So, yes, I have been mad at my W and there are times that I still am. But I am also mad at OM, and I feel I have a right to be.

 

You do, absolutely you do. But you describe a situation where you are doing absolutely great with your wife and that you are deeply in love with her. This is how you described your situation with the woman that cheated on you and disrespected you, yet you want to go on hating the OM.

 

My point is, hate the other man if you must, its justified. But you can't profess being so deeply in love with the person that directly betrayed you while you are hating a person with secondary responsibility to your betrayal.

 

Out him if you must, then forget about him.

[NotCamelot]

 

Convict them both or forgive them both.

 

 

 

You see, my W has been tried and convitced by me......many times over the last 5+ months. She has paid the price and doing the work to put things the way they should be. I am doing my part as well. And I am be ever vigilant.

 

But......the OM has not been the recipient of any of my feelings. My feeling is that, at least in his mind, and mine, he got to screw my wife and had no consequences at all from me. I am really having a hard time NOT doing something so that he understands that this is a line that he can not even think of crossing --- ever again.

[Ninja'sHusband]

You see, my W has been tried and convitced by me......many times over the last 5+ months. She has paid the price and doing the work to put things the way they should be. I am doing my part as well. And I am be ever vigilant.

 

But......the OM has not been the recipient of any of my feelings. My feeling is that, at least in his mind, and mine, he got to screw my wife and had no consequences at all from me. I am really having a hard time NOT doing something so that he understands that this is a line that he can not even think of crossing --- ever again.

 

You can't control him and I don't think vengeance is a good motive. Congrats on having a remorseful wife

[Guitarjeff]

Your wife was the barrier that had the vows with you. She is the one who allowed that bond to be broken. Gooness, you didn't know that therer are a lot of men who would like to have sex with your maried wife? The other man could not have hurt you unless your wife spread her legs.

 

There are other men out there that would sleep with your married wife too, do you hate them? The only difference between them and this OM is that YOUR WIFE alowed this one to have sex with her. If she allowed another one to then they would also.

 

The point is, your wife is the one that had the personal vows to you. She is the one who betrayed you. You already knew there were men out there that would love to have sex with your wife, and you were counting ON HER to keep that from happening. She closes her legs, NOTHING THE OM could do to hurt you. So if she is now excused, then you should try to get back at any guy even if he hasn't slept with her, just because they WOULD if she would let them.

 

Lets get real here. Men are sex animals that want instant gratification. In reality, probably more than 50 percent of all men, put in a situation of being alone with your wife and building a friendship with her, WOULD WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. But the point is, it is 100 percent on your wife, because she closes those legs, and the men FAIL 100 PERCENT of the time to hurt you, see?

 

Your wife is 100 percent responsible because if she keeps her vows to you then other men fail 100 percent of the time.

 

stop blaming the other man. All he has is a common agreement ib=n gneral society called a marriage that he won't have sex with your wife. In nature, male sex drive and desire FAR OUTWEIGH that common, general, societal agreement called a marriage. The real CONCRETE that protects that special exclusivity is THE VOWS being kept between you and your spouse. Far and away that is what should be counted on to protect you from this pain, far and away YOUR WIFE was responsible for keeping her vows more than the other man was expected to stuff his hard on back in his pants.

[Guitarjeff]

Hmm, in short, if your wife had 100 percent power to stop the pain to you, then she gets 100 percent of the blame for not putting that power in play to protect you.

[brokenheartedntx]

Im a BH, D-day was a little over a year ago. Every day I either am mad at her and want to tell all our friends and her friends or I'm mad at the OM and want to expose him to all his friends. I too check on him and on her on Facebook. (By the way he was an old boyfriend that contacted her on Facebook and started the affair) My wife took my 3 kids and moved to another state to be with the OM. After he had sex with her several times and learned what it was going to be like raising our kids, he dumped her. She then decided she wanted me back. ( I found all this out later through marriage counceling) D-day she told me that she just met up with an old friend and one thing led to another and it just happened. I took her back. If I knew then what I know now, i would not have let her come back. I do still love her but I guess what I am trying to say is that it takes two to Tango. There are always two sides to the story. Both the OM and and my wife had a role in this. I agree with guitarjeff that your wife should have kept her legs closed. I also believe the OM is a dirtbag and should be stopped. ( By the way he was on his third marriage and guess why the other 2 ended--yep he cheated) I have thought about contacting his wife as well. Anyway I have made this too long but I have thought this out clearly. I do not want to expose this any further and cause more harm and embarassment to me and my children as well as my wife. I feel if I get revenge then it will all backfire and I will not really accomplish anything.

[TigerCub]

Im a BH, D-day was a little over a year ago. Every day I either am mad at her and want to tell all our friends and her friends or I'm mad at the OM and want to expose him to all his friends. I too check on him and on her on Facebook. (By the way he was an old boyfriend that contacted her on Facebook and started the affair) My wife took my 3 kids and moved to another state to be with the OM. After he had sex with her several times and learned what it was going to be like raising our kids, he dumped her. She then decided she wanted me back. ( I found all this out later through marriage counceling) D-day she told me that she just met up with an old friend and one thing led to another and it just happened. I took her back. If I knew then what I know now, i would not have let her come back. I do still love her but I guess what I am trying to say is that it takes two to Tango. There are always two sides to the story. Both the OM and and my wife had a role in this. I agree with guitarjeff that your wife should have kept her legs closed. I also believe the OM is a dirtbag and should be stopped. ( By the way he was on his third marriage and guess why the other 2 ended--yep he cheated) I have thought about contacting his wife as well. Anyway I have made this too long but I have thought this out clearly. I do not want to expose this any further and cause more harm and embarassment to me and my children as well as my wife. I feel if I get revenge then it will all backfire and I will not really accomplish anything.

 

I'm sorry for what you've been through.

I'm amazed though - you know that she's settling for you because her OM dumped her and you're with her??!

 

Why?

 

No one should be used and just settled for! That's so sad.

 

You say that if you knew that then (before you took her back) you wouldn't have taken her back. But that's just a year ago right?

Is there a statute of limitations to when you can dump the cheater?

 

I'm so sorry. I'm really sad and mad for you, because that's terrible.

 

I hope that in time you will see that you deserve better and leave her.

[nofool4u]

You see, my W has been tried and convitced by me......many times over the last 5+ months. She has paid the price and doing the work to put things the way they should be. I am doing my part as well. And I am be ever vigilant.

 

Ok, so I'll ask again, if you out the other man, will that be the end of it?

[NotCamelot]

Ok, so I'll ask again, if you out the other man, will that be the end of it?

 

Obviously, I can't answer that question entirely. But that would be the end of it as far as I am concerned.

 

Would he retaliate, I very highly doubt it. And the only retaliation would be to try to trash my wife......but wouldn't that also look bad on him? There is nothing worse he could do to me than has already been done.

 

 

I do know, for a fact, that he and his wife are extremely private people and the "outing" would be very devastating for him. I really and truly believe that he would never name my wife.....his wife would not either as her OM could also be revealed as well. Currently no one outside thier affairs knows except me. He made a point of telling my W that during the A....."even mom does not know, she can't".......

 

I would like the church to know what a hypocrit he is. He certainly does not practice what he preaches. And it is sickening to see the church website where church members praise him and talk of how good he is.

That is just not right. He should have more decency than that. Of course, he has already demonstrated a complete and utter lack of any integrity.

 

Thing is, he treasures his reputation more than anything. I just would like the faker shown for what he truly is. The outing would strip him of something he treasures dearly.

 

And, yes, that would give me both satisfaction and closure.

[ComingInHot]

Not Camelot:

I think you should "out" this man. Not for revenge but for him using his position w/in the church as a pedestal for his own ego. He is completely, w/out question misleading people as to who he is!

 

We went to a church where the pastor all of a sudden just wasn't there. Information was given to the church board as to mis use of funds & infidelity...

Most of the congregation does not know this to this day. I was told as my friend is close friends w/the pastor's wife. I have Not told another soul but upon meeting the BW, she confirmed. It was a "moving away" party. She moved back home.

We have since left that church then moved away ourselves BUT I am SO happy this deviant pastor can no longer use and abuse and hide behind his church position.

 

I totally get that people screw up BUT when you claim to be something you aren't in a position of influence then you got to go.

 

What do you call a person that steals?

What do you call a person who doesn't speak the truth?

What do you call a person that doesn't work?

What do you call a person that sleeps w/a married person?

What do you call a person that has a sexual relationship outside their own marriage?

 

Just saying...

[Ninja'sHusband]

It would be a constant trigger for me if I was going to church with the OM all the time, especially if he was in a position of power. Are all 3 of you there at the church at the same time? My marriage ended because I couldn't handle that kind of situation in my own life. I DID end up outing the OM trying to put a stop to me being in that maddening situation. What happened is I was on a course for divorce after that...but my wife was not willing to quit the class so...

 

Have you guys considered switching churches? Not that that's the right or wrong solution for you, just putting it out there. NC is sooo important. Not just for her, but you as well. You don't need to be seeing OM at ALL. I don't think you can completely heal with him in your face every week. It just rips the wound right back open.

[NotCamelot]

Have you guys considered switching churches?

 

We don't go to that church. BUT, 2 of his church members, one of them his cousin, both work with me. They have not a single clue what happened. But because of that I get weekly invitations to things going on there. Plus I get bombarded with "come look at this" pictures taken at their church. So I get constant reminders without even going there.

[nofool4u]

Obviously, I can't answer that question entirely. But that would be the end of it as far as I am concerned.

 

I would hope so, because it makes no sense to prolong your quest to harm the OM if you are doing great with your wife now.

 

 

Would he retaliate, I very highly doubt it. And the only retaliation would be to try to trash my wife......but wouldn't that also look bad on him?

 

It would, but it wouldn't look bad if his wife trashed your wife. Whats good for you is good for her eh?

 

 

There is nothing worse he could do to me than has already been done.

 

There is nothing worse your wife could have done that she already has. But things are better than ever with her, right?

 

Look, I'm not saying you should be angry forever at your wife, just saying, once you get your revenge on the OM, that should be it. If prolonged anger should be at anyone, it should be at your wife.

 

 

I do know, for a fact, that he and his wife are extremely private people and the "outing" would be very devastating for him.

 

Did you ever stop to think about his wife? If she doesn't know, then out him to his wife. Doing it publicly could humiliate her. Yes I know, you said she cheated on him also, but how do you know this? Because your wife said so?

Because thats what he told your wife?

 

Even if its common knowledge, doing it publicly affects her negatively too.

 

 

I really and truly believe that he would never name my wife.....his wife would not either as her OM could also be revealed as well. Currently no one outside thier affairs knows except me. He made a point of telling my W that during the A....."even mom does not know, she can't".......

 

I would like the church to know what a hypocrit he is.

 

Well you can't do that and not be hypocritical yourself wanting or hoping your wife isn't exposed either.

 

I assume your wife and you go to the same church. If OM is a hypocrite, then so is your wife. Sorry, but thats the facts of it.

 

So out him if you must, but I'd keep the church out of it, and out him to his wife and let her and him then deal with the fallout.

 

 

He certainly does not practice what he preaches.

 

Neither does your wife if she is a woman of faith as well. Again, you are attributing characteristics to someone when the same applies to your wife.

 

 

And it is sickening to see the church website where church members praise him and talk of how good he is.

That is just not right. He should have more decency than that. Of course, he has already demonstrated a complete and utter lack of any integrity.

 

Again, your wife willingly participated. If you are going to say he has no integrity, and rightfully so, then you are going to have to admit the same of your wife.

 

 

And, yes, that would give me both satisfaction and closure.

 

No, it won't because the fact still remains that the OM and your wife are one in the same. They are both cheaters, and they both were together willingly. He didn't hold a gun to her head.

 

Again, out him if you must, to his wife. But doing it publicly to show him as a hypocrite only will force you to admit your wife isn't any different.

 

And about him naming your wife, what are you going to say? "Hey everyone, Mr. Cheat had sex with someone other than his wife. I can't say who it is, but it is someone"

 

Unless you name your wife, he can simply say you are lying and tell people to ask you who he cheated with.

[Ninja'sHusband]

 

Did you ever stop to think about his wife? If she doesn't know, then out him to his wife. Doing it publicly could humiliate her. Yes I know, you said she cheated on him also, but how do you know this? Because your wife said so?

Because thats what he told your wife?

 

Even if its common knowledge, doing it publicly affects her negatively too.

 

 

Agreed on this part...before I outed the OM in the dojo I contacted his wife to make sure she had read what I had disclosed to her a couple months before. She discouraged me from spilling the beans...I wanted to comply and tried. All in all her words only delayed me by a few days. I was about to call her again before I sent my big email out...but her and OM were on vacation at the time so I just fired away. To me it was a last ditch effort to create a situation where my marriage could survive, because I could not let things stand the way they were. Now that you've explained a bit better, your situation was not the same as mine. For me NC was a big problem. Yours is a bit murkier. Dunno what to say, but I'm afraid you are going to open a huge can of worms. Make sure it's necessary before you do, and that your motives are really the right ones. Outing the OM was the last thing I did before we decided to divorce.

Edited October 23, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[road]

There is no reason to ever stop hating the OM.

 

There is no reason to ever stop hating the WW, unless the BH wants to recover their marriage.

 

Yet people still post that the WW should get the same amount of hate as the OM gets.

 

Those people just don't get it.

[BetrayedH]

There is no reason to ever stop hating the OM.

 

There is no reason to ever stop hating the WW, unless the BH wants to recover their marriage.

 

Yet people still post that the WW should get the same amount of hate as the OM gets.

 

Those people just don't get it.

 

Gee, I guess you're right. I get it now. She's less guilty because he wants her to be less guilty.

[justcantletgo]

I exposed the A too to my xMM's BW and BOTH of their respective families and friends in their town. Not really sure now if it's a good idea.