Should I expose OM in very public way?

[NotCamelot]

Lots of you know my story, if not you can find it on the forum.

 

First, things are going great between my and W. There has been verifiable NC since D-Day. She professes to be 100% committed and in love with me. And, of course, me to her.

 

The only issues now are when my memory gets triggered and I feel the sadness and hurt for a little while. BUT, it is getting better.

 

I still feel and hold a lot of rage and anger toward the OM....for lots of reasons. Though my W says I should be mad at her and not him....... There may some truth to that. BUT, my contention was, and still is, he KNEW she was married as was he.

 

Recently I set up a fake facebook page with the profile of a woman so that I could spy on him and his friends...... just so that I could keep watch on his activity. I feel better if I see he stays with his also cheating wife.....and that there is no mention of my W in any of his conversations.

 

This guy presents himself to be a pillar of the community, carries keys to his church and delivers sermons at his church on Sunday mornings. What a hypocrite.....I know, as I have been told, he would be most devastated if he was exposed to his church since he does not "practice what he preaches".

 

I requested to be a friend of his church's facebook page. I, the fake me, was accepted.

 

Now..........

 

Do I post what happened? I certainly don't want to name my wife. But I would like to post on that page a short "warning" of who their leader really is.

 

I feel badly about taking this into a church, but, from my religous upbringing, he is wrong to hide that and be in that position.

 

Mainly I want to inflict the most damage I can on him without going to jail. And I know that this would crush him.

 

One of the texts he sent to my wife after their hotel encounter was: "I feel guilty doing the same thing she is doing. But I don't care. I just don't want to bring shame on my family" He was referring to his wife's affair that was 8 months on-going at that time.

 

Obviously I could not let anyone know that it was ME that did this, if I do it.

 

What would you do if you had a chance to hurt the one that hurt you?

[2sure]

When my Xh cheated on me I was angry and did some things I regret...just a little and not very often.

 

But you are bordering mentally ill, which is understandable in the short term...but not the long.

 

First - doing anything to another person anonymously is cheap and wrong and distasteful. Own it or dont do it.

 

Stop stalking him. You are allowing the toxins of the affair to still be a part of your marriage by doing this.

 

You absolutely have every right to tell his spouse. You have every single right to tell him what you think of him.

 

You have no right to publicly stone him.

 

On a g0od note however, you might consider becoming a non participating member of his church, as yourself, just so he knows you could stone him if you were a nutjob. Not forever, just til you feel better or he implodes which he probably will without your help.

 

Just dont BE the nutjob.

[KathyM]

I wouldn't go public with it to the extent you are speaking of if I were you. But I would inform the next in line at the church--church deacon, associate pastor, or that type of thing. If he is a leader of the church, then he needs to step down from that leadership, since he is living a dishonest life and should not be leading the church.

[Madman81]

You have no right to publicly stone him.

I disagree. I think you have every right to "stone" him publicly (in the form of shaming).

 

I wouldn't go public with it to the extent you are speaking of if I were you. But I would inform the next in line at the church--church deacon, associate pastor, or that type of thing. If he is a leader of the church, then he needs to step down from that leadership, since he is living a dishonest life and should not be leading the church.

I like this, because even though you have the right to publicly shame him, I question whether or not you should. Inevitably, the issue of who he screwed around with will become public as well, and it will come back to your wife. Which, since you and she are apparently doing well with your reconciliation, would probably set it back.

 

Secondly, it's not healthy for you to continue to obsess about this, although having been in your shoes before, I completely understand why you're doing so. I think you should see a counselor. That hypocritical cockroach doesn't deserve so much of your emotional and psychic energy.

 

So, as a purging exercise, I'd do what Kathy suggests. It's not public shaming, and it will give the church higher-ups and the OM the opportunity to come up with a fake reason why he's no longer giving sermons, and let him carry on with his life with a minimum of public humiliation.

 

Then, as my final act in dealing with him -- and this is just me, because I did a version of this -- I'd write the OM a letter. In the letter, tell him that you were the one who brought this to the attention of the church higher-ups and, out of your massive capacity for mercy despite his behaviour towards you, you have decided to refrain from shaming him publicly. Tell him that he is free from public shame for his shytty actions for one reason, and that is because you have allowed him to be. (DON'T threaten to shame him publicly.) In other words, NotCamelot, you are telling him in no uncertain terms that you hold the power in this situation, he has none, and he should thank his lucky stars that you're as merciful a person as you are.

 

I, for one, would find that very therapeutic.

Edited October 19, 2012 by Madman81

[whichwayisup]

I agree. Own it, don't hide behind a false name.

 

Of course he is at fault too. As is your wife. They both knew each were married and still chose to have an affair...He's no worse or better than your wife, so just remember if you out him, it'll also affect you and your wife.

 

Might be better to just go and have a conversation with him face to face instead of outing him publically. He could very well do the same (or his wife) could out YOUR wife publically, go to work office or something. just be aware of the fallout and who it will affect.

[Sauron]

Just send him a link to LS and this part of the forum. He will get tried, convicted and executed in short order by the group here. Sorry for your problems. You probably need counseling.

[beenburned]

NC,

 

This MM was simply having a revenge affair because he knew his wife was cheating on him.

 

He was hurt, devastated, and seeking to build up his shattered ego. We see this all the time on LS.(both BH's and BW's)

 

According to most church rules, he nor his wife, are qualified to lead while both are engaging in adultery.

 

I would suggest you contact him personally to talk, rather than stoop to childish behavior.

 

Boy, your wife sure picked a heck of a MM! OMG a preacher!!

[NotCamelot]

 

Boy, your wife sure picked a heck of a MM! OMG a preacher!!

 

She really did not know about the "preacher" thing. She was genuinely shocked when she found out.

 

I have to admit, the first things that went through my mind was "Jim Baker" and "Jimmy Swaggart".

[beenburned]

NC,

 

She didn't know!!

 

He failed to mention that important fact?

 

How did she meet this preacher/MM?

[TigerCub]

The hypocrisy is amazing!!

 

You hate this guy because he KNEW your wife was married.

Guess what - Your wife knew she was married as well, didn't she?

 

You want to out him and humiliate him, BUT...you don't want your wife mentioned. Oh well, ya know, cuz that would humiliate her and you (for staying with her) wouldn't it now...

can't have that.

 

You're mad, and you absolutely have every right to be mad, but why forgive her and hold all this anger at him.

He had a revenge affair, not the right thing to do either, but at least he had a reason to want to lash out at his partner.

 

What was your wife's reason for doing what she did to you?

 

If you want to confront him and out him and humiliate him, then be a man and do it face to face, not some cowardly anonymous account that ensures that you're not found out and leaves your cheater wife out of it.

 

If her OM deserves to be 'stoned', then shouldn't she deserve the same?

 

Edited to add - he should be outed to his wife and she should know what's going on - that's definitely true, but the rest of it just seems really hypocritical.

[nofool4u]

NotCamelot

 

If you claim that you and your wife are 100% great and things are going very well, then you need to forget about the OM.

 

Angry with the OM you should be, at least when it all first happened. But you can't be in love up to your eyeballs with your wife, and still be angry at the OM. It doesn't make any sense since your wife is the one that directly betrayed you.

[sad puppy]

Prepare for your wife to be humiliated publicly. The first question out of anyone's mouth will be "who with". This will not go down as you plan. Very childish thinking on your part. Focus on your own situation.

[mercy]

 

What would you do if you had a chance to hurt the one that hurt you?

 

We all have the chance. It's the choice that we make that matters. Do you want to choose to hurt him?

 

It wouldn't have mattered what I did to the OW, my pain would have been just the same. Revenge eases nothing. Love heals our soul, not hate. I chose love, not for her, but for me. Oh, sometimes I'd daydream about what I'd like to do to her but I didn't want to focus on those things. I chose healing, not harming.

 

It worked for me.

 

If you choose to hurt him do it in the light of day. Don't hide behind a computer. Walk into that church and ask to set up a meeting with three church leaders (biblical way to do it) then meet with them privately and tell your story. Choose to do what you could live with, walk away knowing you did the right thing. The other, behind a computer, not so much, it'd turn into an obsession.

 

You're a good man. Think it through. You'll do the right thing, I'm sure of it, because of who you are as a man.

 

So glad to hear you and your wife are doing well!

Edited October 20, 2012 by mercy

[frozensprouts]

to answer your question, yes i could have exposed her and it would have ruined her life...'what would that accomplish?

She must be a very broken person to be the way she is, and nothing i could do is going to really matter...and in the end, I'd just end up feeling bad that I purposely hurt someone...that's not who I am, and i don't want to be like that

 

better to let it go and move on...

[BetrayedH]

I don't know, dude. This doesn't sound healthy. I can't judge you because I made a few unhealthy decisions after Dday, too. I made decisions that I'm not so proud of today. But I wouldn't advise them. Don't lose yourself; this has been rough enough on you.

 

I do find it difficult to justify how you can forgive your wife but not the OM.

 

I really just think you need to focus on your M. That's a handful. I'm jut thinking about you here.

 

If you can't take it, I think Mercy's suggestion was the best one.

[OhGeesh]

Lots of you know my story, if not you can find it on the forum.

 

First, things are going great between my and W. There has been verifiable NC since D-Day. She professes to be 100% committed and in love with me. And, of course, me to her.

 

The only issues now are when my memory gets triggered and I feel the sadness and hurt for a little while. BUT, it is getting better.

 

I still feel and hold a lot of rage and anger toward the OM....for lots of reasons. Though my W says I should be mad at her and not him....... There may some truth to that. BUT, my contention was, and still is, he KNEW she was married as was he.

 

Recently I set up a fake facebook page with the profile of a woman so that I could spy on him and his friends...... just so that I could keep watch on his activity. I feel better if I see he stays with his also cheating wife.....and that there is no mention of my W in any of his conversations.

 

This guy presents himself to be a pillar of the community, carries keys to his church and delivers sermons at his church on Sunday mornings. What a hypocrite.....I know, as I have been told, he would be most devastated if he was exposed to his church since he does not "practice what he preaches".

 

I requested to be a friend of his church's facebook page. I, the fake me, was accepted.

 

Now..........

 

Do I post what happened? I certainly don't want to name my wife. But I would like to post on that page a short "warning" of who their leader really is.

 

I feel badly about taking this into a church, but, from my religous upbringing, he is wrong to hide that and be in that position.

 

Mainly I want to inflict the most damage I can on him without going to jail. And I know that this would crush him.

 

One of the texts he sent to my wife after their hotel encounter was: "I feel guilty doing the same thing she is doing. But I don't care. I just don't want to bring shame on my family" He was referring to his wife's affair that was 8 months on-going at that time.

 

Obviously I could not let anyone know that it was ME that did this, if I do it.

 

What would you do if you had a chance to hurt the one that hurt you?

 

 

Funny how we find a way to forgive the ones be love, but DAMN THOSE OTHER SOB'S, WORTHLESS, POND SCUM, as if they are at any more fault than the spouse that cheated.

 

Same coin bud just different sides of it!! Your fight is SOLELY with your wife her choice, her decision, she could have easily said NOPE. She could have 100 more affairs (prayfully not of course) it's not the other guys fault it's her fault!!

 

I would let it ride focus on forgiveness your family and your life.

[ComingInHot]

It came out for the OW at her work as she is a tech person and her company pays her while she is on a job site which happened to be at my business, in my office at my desk....

Anyway, the hours didn't jive so her employee called me and I had NO idea at the time and told them I had no record of her working there w/my husband at those hours. It came out later when she outed my the A to me (to be mean & hurtful to me) after my husband dropped her. I called her employer and explained that she was apparently charging by the hour, her employers, for her extracurricular activities.

She was soon let go from her her job as these hours were just Some of unaccounted for hours including other "clients".

At her next job (she blamed me for this too, sheesh) she was let go... I think her new employer contacted her previous one & someone said something. I don't know though, I was just letting her employer at the time she worked for me that they should take their money back. I never said A or mentioned sex over my desk. I was too humiliated & embarrassed.

 

Bottom line is this female was her Own Worst Enemy. Still is. I WISH she could see the damage she is causing to her newer husband, child/Ren and loved ones.

[TheCollector]

 

Then, as my final act in dealing with him -- and this is just me, because I did a version of this -- I'd write the OM a letter. In the letter, tell him that you were the one who brought this to the attention of the church higher-ups and, out of your massive capacity for mercy despite his behaviour towards you, you have decided to refrain from shaming him publicly. Tell him that he is free from public shame for his shytty actions for one reason, and that is because you have allowed him to be. (DON'T threaten to shame him publicly.) In other words, NotCamelot, you are telling him in no uncertain terms that you hold the power in this situation, he has none, and he should thank his lucky stars that you're as merciful a person as you are.

 

I, for one, would find that very therapeutic.

 

I AM A GENEROUS GOD (300 quote) and I like this idea as well... I know the bitter feelings your dealing with....

[Decorative]

I exposed my spouse and the OW equally and at the same time.

 

They were in it together, and I was just, uh, sharing their good news? Which turned out not to be such good news, and they ran like cockroaches exposed to sunlight within days.

[Guitarjeff]

If you are feeling this way about the other man, then I don't believe that you and your wife are doing well at all. You are being eaten inside by this cancer, and I believe you will always have part of this disease inside you, which is why I personally don't believe true happiness after an affair is possible within the realm of human nature.

 

I believe you can stay for many reasons, and it may be the right choice overall for you depending on your nature, but that special exclusivity can never be gotten back.

 

I believe you are deflecting your anger at your wife toward him. I think the pain and loss of that special exclusivity will always manifest itself in some other area of your life, subtly or not.

[FelicityShot]

These posts brought to mind a recent nature programme I watched -

 

It was following the life and 'loves' of a tigress. How clever she had to be re male tigers, and how to maximise her own advantage, and that of her young.

 

I think this kind of 'spitting' on the reputation of others involved in our permanent Rs is similar. It's a way to get the rival out of town.

 

Tigers are beautifully ceremonial in their fights - they do not hurt another of their kind more than strictly necessary.

 

Beautiful and dignified creatures really.

[FelicityShot]

I exposed my spouse and the OW equally and at the same time.

 

They were in it together, and I was just, uh, sharing their good news? Which turned out not to be such good news, and they ran like cockroaches exposed to sunlight within days.

 

You sound really pleased about the cockroach analogy.

 

Did that make you feel like a higher being than the APs?

 

If they were cockroaches, how would you conceive yourself in this?

 

Presumably sunlight is the moral light of right.

 

As an exercise in BS awareness expansion, can you think of any other reasons they might have scuttled away once the infidelity was exposed?

 

I think the cockroach analogy could be worked on here - perfect for the dirty connotations which prevail re As, but not very systematic. Cockroaches can reputedly survive WW3.

 

But they don't do so well facing a BS.

[NotCamelot]

Well, so far, I have not moved on this. I probably will not as long as things continue the way they are.

 

I did have 3 conversations with his wife back on d-day. I called her once, she called me twice. She contacted my W for a one-sentence conversation.

 

I know exactly what my W and I have been going through. I just feel like he (OM) is getting off free........screwing another guy's wife and getting away with it - even after being found out. This bothers me.

 

I just feel like he should experience some pain from a direct act from me.

 

And, yes, he has aplogized and begged me to forgive him. He told me repeatedly that he badly regrets what he did. He even told me a couple things that W did not tell.

 

Yes, I have been mad at my W. But, you see, I have been able to work through that with her - because there is the interaction that allows for that.

 

There in no interaction with him that affords the opportunity to work this out. I do not want to meet him face-to-face. I don't know that I could contain myself in that situation. I am not a violent person at all. But this is a new feeling for me. And, yes, I am extremely mad at him.

 

For those that say I should be mad at W and not mad at him: I know that I would never touch a married woman - regardless of what her situation was.....BECAUSE I know it would hurt her husband. If I was interested in her she would have to get free first. (Of course, I'd be single as well.)

 

The way I see it, there is and never will be a reason for someone to "carry on" with a married person. There are plenty of single available people to pick from. And, yes, you would know that you are inflicting pain on that person's spouse without just cause. It is a selfish act. It is not done without regard for the offended party.

 

If an affair was carried out without regard for the betrayed spouse, it would never be done secretly. Both parties of the affair know they are doing wrong, that is why they hide it.

 

So, yes, I have been mad at my W and there are times that I still am. But I am also mad at OM, and I feel I have a right to be.

[nofool4u]

Again, anger at the OM is definitely understandable.

 

But if you are this angry at him you should be more angry with your wife.

 

If this were in the early stages, and you were willing to dole out a similar humiliation to your wife, I'd say expose the hell out of him.

 

But you have moved on with your wife, say you love her, then the OM now should be insignificant to you.

 

Again, your wife is the one that directly betrayed you. Angry at OM you can be, but its your wife that deserves more anger. Not saying you should be angry, but you claim to have moved on and are very much in love with your wife.

If thats the case, then forget the OM. Because it makes no sense to be filled with anger at him, but not your wife.

[NotCamelot]

My point is: I have had the opportunity to deal with the anger at my wife, but not at OM. If he had no knowledge of her being married, I could understand his actions. But he did know and that keeps me mad at him. He knew he would be hurting me, her husband, if/when found out......and that did not stop him from cheating on his wife with my wife. PLUS, his wife was cheating on him so he knew how it hurt to have that happen. Knowing how bad this hurts, I would never do it to another man. So, to me, he did not care how bad he would hurt me and did it anyway.

 

Yes, there has been, and sometimes still is, great anger toward my wife. But, as I said, I can and have worked on that as there is face-to-face interaction with her. With him there is none.