veggirl Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I know a lot of married couples and people in relationships who have had loads of trouble during their marriage/relationship, i.e. alcoholism, physical abuse, lying, cheating, substance abuse, etc. Usually they've produced children during these years as well. If we all were to divorce or break up over these MAJOR AND UNACCEPTABLE issues, we'd all be single. All these couples I know are still married/together mostly because they've either put up with the bullsh*t and/or compromised on everything the spouse has put them through and vice versa because they "really really love him/her." There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. There's no way in hell boy meets girl and they ride off into the sunset without them hitting a fork in the road somewhere. It just doesn't happen. :eek: All those people you know are completely fked up and belong in therapy. STAYING married doesn't mean you have SUCCEEDED at it. Those people who put up with abuse, cheating, etc are pathetic. NO we wouldn't ALL be single if we didn't put up with abuse, cheating, lying, etc. I am very sorry you are so surrounded by mentally unstable / insecure people that you now think that behavior is acceptable and should be tolerated. That is so so so sad.
Lisa_Lisa Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 :eek: All those people you know are completely fked up and belong in therapy. STAYING married doesn't mean you have SUCCEEDED at it. Those people who put up with abuse, cheating, etc are pathetic. NO we wouldn't ALL be single if we didn't put up with abuse, cheating, lying, etc. I am very sorry you are so surrounded by mentally unstable / insecure people that you now think that behavior is acceptable and should be tolerated. That is so so so sad. Staying married just means staying married. Lot's of people stay in unsuccessful marriages for different reasons, i.e. fear of being alone, not having the parent around for the children, children moving away with the divorced parent, etc, or just a genuine deep seeded (although unhealthy) love for that person. As human beings we all have some self-esteem issue or lack of confidence or something other reason why we stick around. Deep down we're hopeful and positive for a change and we're taught not to give up so easily. Everyone has their own pain threshold. Some people's are lower than others. For those that are able to walk away forever without regrets be proud of yourself. But those people are few. Everyone else is going to give it a chance and once that fizzles out they move on. Everyone moves at their own pace.
Liz2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 simpilot - thanks for posting your story we need to hear them. I full agree with your approach. I think that anyone who can only ever advocate NC and is very stubborn and forceful with people on that front needs to have a hard look at where the bitterness comes from. We're all humans and we have to find out own paths to be with ourselves and other humans. Good for you and I wish you a bright future. 2
EgoJoe Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 When you are over your Ex, whether they contact you or not, doesn't matter. It won't affect you in a negative way. If you both want to be friends, so be it. Me personally, I never asked someone out to be their friend, I never entered into a relationship to be their friend and when we break up, I am not looking for a friend. I do what is best for me. So if I break up with you... It's my job and responsibly to be on high alert to take all your phone calls, text messages, emails, answer all your questions, go to therapy with you since you do not accept our break up? What happens if I am seeing someone else and the dumpee is causing problems and interfering in that new relationship? Am I suppose to let them ruin it? Cater to their "unhealthy" needs? Be miserable until they are happy? When I break up... It's a break up. I am not asking for permission or waiting to get approval from the dumpee if I can break up or not. What planet are you from? Do you not see the people on here who beg, plead, attack, stalk, harass, etc. their Ex? There are several dumpees on here who have had the cops called on them. I suggest you find someone who has the same sort of friends because almost all the people I know... Would not be understanding / okay with that. I have seen plenty of reconciliations and been in several myself. Most ended up breaking up again or if they married, divorced. If you view that a success, so be it. Only a handful of the people I know who broke up, got back together, married and are still married to this day. Quoting to reiterate.
moveONorStay Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 It has also been my experience that if someone REALLY, REALLY wants to be with you and they are the dumper... The dumpee ignoring their text messages, emails and phone calls... has never STOPPED them from trying to get them back. Can you elaborate/explain what you mean here?
Simon Phoenix Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Holy crap this thread sucks right now. monicaelise, just because you don't agree with no contact does not make it retarded. you are coming off as closeminded as you seem to be suggesting that gibson is.
NoMoreJerks Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Gibson, I used to want to make my ex love me, even though he said he didn't. I have now changed, and think I deserve someone who loves me without me having to jump through hoops for the rest of my life. This is why I let go of my ex after giving him a second chance (after he kept mssging and called me) and seeing that he hadn't changed one bit. The post below, which you wrote, really resonates with my current mindset. It doesn't really matter. The dumper either wants them or they don't. What you and I think or say or whatever the dumpee thinks or says... It's still up to the dumper on whether or not they want to be with you or not. ... If the dumper doesn't want them back... It does not matter what we say nor does it matter what the dumpee says or does Bottom line, you can't talk, manipulate, plead, beg, guilt, shame, extort, threaten, blackmail, trick, convince, make or force someone to love you or be with you. That's not what love is nor what it does. Who would want that anyway? Only an "unhealthy" person would think this, want this or attempt this. I want someone who knows and who is sure they want me, for me. Anyone who is willing to accept less than that, I feel sorry for you.
moveONorStay Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Monicaelise, I agree with you. Likewise, I believe in open communication. Unfortunately it seems that a lot of people feel that the best way to deal with things is to shut off and walk away from things instead of trying to work things out. 2
NoMoreJerks Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 (edited) If closed-mindedness will spare me unnecessary pain and torture, then by all means, I embrace closed-mindedness. Why put myself through pain over and over again, for the dangling but ever-unattainable carrot called "he will change"? I love myself too much to allow some douchebag who is playing mind games with me, to torture me like this. Been there, done that. NC works. It's not intended to help you get your ex back. It works because it spares you the pain of trying and failing to get your ex back -- because you CAN'T get them back unless they WANT to get back to you. In which case, they will find a way to somehow get in touch with you ain a way you cannot avoid them, to show that they have changed. But again, the point is, until they do so, I am moving on. Not letting them string me along, keep me in constant pain, all so that they will have a person to fall back to when they choose or need to. Edited October 19, 2012 by NoMoreJerks 2
moveONorStay Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 (edited) You asked to meet up with your Ex, she didn't want too and recently told you to stop contacting her. How do you expect to be her friend when she doesn't want to see you, want you to contact her or want to be your friend? Do you now see your belief isn't always reality? I don't want to be her friend. I want to work things out and rekindle what was, on the whole, a good relationship. In all of our conversations she said she never wanted the break up. I think that right now she is protecting her ego and I have played my cards and fed that ego. One of the reasons I broke up with her was because of some manipulative behavior and I know that right now I have given her control of the situation. Some people unfortunately don't have it in them to be able to work something out. Maybe it'll take time, maybe I'll never see her again. But at least I know I tried to reach out, that I did so sincerely. Life goes on. Edited October 20, 2012 by moveONorStay
Author simpilot Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 Hello all, I did not mean for my post to be the end all be all of relationship advice. She never told me she didn't love me anymore but instead wanted to break away due to the fact we had communication problems in the relationship. I never want to steer people in the wrong direction just wanted to let you all know what happened to me and keep a positive message. We talked it out after she realized she wasn't over me after a month of NC. It does not happen in every situation. I believe in law of attraction and that positive thinking will bring great things for you and your life ex or no ex.
Frank13 Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 When did you get back together? Am I the only one that thinks it may be too soon to be claiming victory. Hope it works, but we have seen this over and over before where two people get back together with claims that each other is the "ONE", marriage, kids, etc and then two days later the dumper breaks up again and is gone for good. 1
moveONorStay Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Simpilot, How long were you originally dating for? And how long was the split/time apart before getting together again?
Sugarkane Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 (edited) Only because you haven't been lied and cheated on. Should we be doormats to these exes? My ex is friends with one of his exes, only because she's in his friendship group. So I thought he was ok. Still got screwed over. Dumped and insulted by text after a year. I refuse to be "friends" with someone who threw me away like trash and crapped on me. Well you certainly seem to have had some interesting life experiences if it's always been NC or the above. I suppose I should feel very grateful at this point as I can honestly say in my 42 years I've never had to deal with more than talk when NC has been broken. Then again, NC has never been something I've considered. If someone was good enough to sleep with, I feel I owe it to them to at least talk, if that's what they want. In the cases where everything had been said, everything had been said and the temptation to chit chat just wasn't there. When the relationship was over NC never came up because it just didn't matter. Done was done, no idiotic "rules" needed to be put in place. Today, some of my dearest friends are former lovers. That wouldn't have been possible if I'd followed the advice here. Also, I can't count the number of genuine reconciliations I've seen over the years at this point so I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on that one. Edited October 20, 2012 by Sugarkane
Author simpilot Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 Does anyone read the original post? We were together for about two years. We have been back together for about two weeks now and getting stronger by the day. I never said anything about marriage or kids, just that we are dating eachother and keeping things slow and steady. I really don't care if you believe I am claiming victory because I am not, I don't see relationships as a game nor breakups. I offered to y'all my story and outcome and said there is hope out there for those that say otherwise. 3
mishy Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Does anyone read the original post? We were together for about two years. We have been back together for about two weeks now and getting stronger by the day. I never said anything about marriage or kids, just that we are dating eachother and keeping things slow and steady. I really don't care if you believe I am claiming victory because I am not, I don't see relationships as a game nor breakups. I offered to y'all my story and outcome and said there is hope out there for those that say otherwise. you are vey lucky
Author simpilot Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 you are vey lucky thanks mishy, we never really any major problems than conveying feelings to eachother. After you have a talk about that and things are fine you take the break as a needed thing to figure out your life and if they need to be in it really. Also want to clear up something, I don't believe us never having a fight is something good or a trophy to be had. I haven't come across something worth fighting about, I was joking about this with her the other day about deciding on a day we should have a fight. Why fight if there isn't something there to fight about? Because it is "normal?"
mishy Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 thanks mishy, we never really any major problems than conveying feelings to eachother. After you have a talk about that and things are fine you take the break as a needed thing to figure out your life and if they need to be in it really. Also want to clear up something, I don't believe us never having a fight is something good or a trophy to be had. I haven't come across something worth fighting about, I was joking about this with her the other day about deciding on a day we should have a fight. Why fight if there isn't something there to fight about? Because it is "normal?" some people fight and some people don't. It just depends on teh type of personality you have. I wouldnt worry about what other people think
Author simpilot Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 some people fight and some people don't. It just depends on teh type of personality you have. I wouldnt worry about what other people think Oh I don't, thank you for the kind words!
EgoJoe Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Gibson's advice changed my life for the better. I didn't have to be a dick, play games or get back with my Ex to feel better. In the end, all I needed was to get perspective and re-attain the person I was before with the perspective of the Man I am today. My life has changed drastically in the past six months: for the better in ways I could have never thought possible. I'm not just talking on the inside either. From no job, to good job, to doing well, to six figure income and new hot young, smart girlfriend after being jobless, single, broken-hearted and almost penny-less a year ago. So, for anyone reading this thread. I would honestly say that if you forget the attacks the "well I did this and got my Ex back blah blah blah, never been dumped blah blah" and read the advice Gibson offers about self-worth and focusing on your life, desires etc. You will be better off.
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