simpilot Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Hello all, I lurked around here during my breakup and saw good and bad advice all the same. I decided to follow my heart and not follow any "rules" people set out there. I decided to join the forum because I felt like I owed everyone here a bit of positive towards going through a breakup. I was in a relationship for about 2 years with a woman I loved and adored. We have never had a fight and still to this day haven't. We had a communication break down and never told each other how we felt about each other. This ended with an abrupt breakup but for good reason as well. I was devastated and had a world of tears and emotions pour over me from hour to hour. I scoured the web for help to understand what really happened and why it happened. I came here and saw everyone go with the no contact route. I have always gone in NC before for the reason of getting over them because I never really loved those people. I realized that I DID love this person and that the relationship was worth fighting for. Realize that every single relationship is different so there are NO rules to follow really. Some people are bitter with the opposite sex and come across as a "Screw em" kind of attitude. Anyone who is NEGATIVE to posters during an emotional negative low does not help, people that empathize with others ARE helping. I am trying not to ramble on but I wanted to make a couple things clear. I went to no contact for about 4 weeks, only saw them once for them to gather their belongings around me and then another time which brought NC to a halt. I never once pleaded or begged and stayed positive even though I was in turmoil. I respected her wish for space to figure things out and that is what ultimately worked. You see we never really believed that there are set rules to follow in a relationship and we truly were about honesty but we just couldn't open up that side that makes a relationship work. Sad I know. The last day I saw her to get the remainder of the things that a friend had of hers I asked one simple question. "Are we over?" She did not enjoy this question and never gave a straight answer but rather walked out without a word. I had positive things said to me during the meeting of "missing me, respecting me, seeing me as a positive person, etc." It wasn't until later that night I decided to text her with a little inside joke to see if I got a response and it did. I then asked if she would enjoy going to dinner with me even though I had clearly stated I could not be "just friends" during this time. She obliged and we were off. I played everything cool never pressured her asking about the relationship etc. I told her I hated being apart and how I really truly felt about her. I found it very important to say that I did NOT want the relationship we used to have but instead that I wanted something NEW without routines or any of the ruts that most people get into. I can simply say this folks, our relationship has a connection and closeness we only dreamed of having. IF I would have stayed in NC with a stubborn "I am the poor dumpee" then I would not be the happy person I am today. Sometimes NC does detrimental things to a relationship even though your friends tell you it is the way to go. Bottom line is this. Follow your heart and think positive if you truly want this person back into your life. Your good mood will be contagious and she will wonder why you feel great and she is sad and missing you. ALWAYS take the high road if you feel the breakup is not needed. If anyone needs any advice I am here to provide empathy with NO ebook or stupid website to advertise. Trust me I have been to all of them hahaha. Namaste! 7
Sugarkane Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Hi I am curious how you went breaking NC. How did you do it without being labeled desperate or even ignored by the ex. Things usually end up bad and painful when people break NC on here. How did you know it was worth it? I also think it should be the dumper (most of the time) contacting us first. They already know how we felt about them.
Author simpilot Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 Hi Sugar, well I knew that we needed space during the breakup. She saw me cry once or so but that was the first real emotion she probably ever did see from me. I never once begged or pleaded with the WHY and WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS. Even though these thoughts race through our heads it is so important to be mature and really take into consideration what she/he is conveying to you. I broke NC because I got positive indication that they were not over me. If they seemed that they couldn't care less about what I have been up to etc. I would have stayed in NC and saw the relationship as a great experience with another human being. Make sense? EDIT - Also I broke contact because it had been almost a month and I realized I really loved her and that it wasn't just the notion of her being gone. 1
Calico Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Have you considered buying a lottery ticket? Happy that it worked out for you -- good luck! 4
Author simpilot Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 Thanks Calico! I have thought about it, perhaps I will have us both pick one out together. We have started dating again and both get that OMG butterfly feeling when around each other. We lost the spark it ended with a break but it made us both realize just how much we meant to eachother. Also Cal, I always have enjoyed your responses. You keep the mood up and up around here.
moveONorStay Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Good story! Congrats! Sounds like you handled things far better than I did!
Author simpilot Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 I also think it should be the dumper (most of the time) contacting us first. They already know how we felt about them. I totally understand that frame of mind, but realize that they are hurting too during this period. When people are sad they become lonely and seclude themselves from the world. Did you ever think that they might be thinking the same thing but are too stubborn to pick up the phone? If you take the high road I promise you that you will find out quickly if they are over you or not. The breakups in my life have been blessings in disguise.
Author simpilot Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 Good story! Congrats! Sounds like you handled things far better than I did! Yes even though it was hard to! I have recently become a very positive person over the past 5 years and that mindset has always paid off for me. She couldn't believe how I handled being dumped and that I could get on with life just fine. Never once got angry or upset with her. I told her numerous times I wasn't angry at her because of how she felt. I would rather a person be honest with me than lie to keep something together ya know?
Jingle14 Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 (edited) Hello all, I lurked around here during my breakup and saw good and bad advice all the same. I decided to follow my heart and not follow any "rules" people set out there. I decided to join the forum because I felt like I owed everyone here a bit of positive towards going through a breakup. I was in a relationship for about 2 years with a woman I loved and adored. We have never had a fight and still to this day haven't. We had a communication break down and never told each other how we felt about each other. This ended with an abrupt breakup but for good reason as well. I was devastated and had a world of tears and emotions pour over me from hour to hour. I scoured the web for help to understand what really happened and why it happened. I came here and saw everyone go with the no contact route. I have always gone in NC before for the reason of getting over them because I never really loved those people. I realized that I DID love this person and that the relationship was worth fighting for. Realize that every single relationship is different so there are NO rules to follow really. Some people are bitter with the opposite sex and come across as a "Screw em" kind of attitude. Anyone who is NEGATIVE to posters during an emotional negative low does not help, people that empathize with others ARE helping. I am trying not to ramble on but I wanted to make a couple things clear. I went to no contact for about 4 weeks, only saw them once for them to gather their belongings around me and then another time which brought NC to a halt. I never once pleaded or begged and stayed positive even though I was in turmoil. I respected her wish for space to figure things out and that is what ultimately worked. You see we never really believed that there are set rules to follow in a relationship and we truly were about honesty but we just couldn't open up that side that makes a relationship work. Sad I know. The last day I saw her to get the remainder of the things that a friend had of hers I asked one simple question. "Are we over?" She did not enjoy this question and never gave a straight answer but rather walked out without a word. I had positive things said to me during the meeting of "missing me, respecting me, seeing me as a positive person, etc." It wasn't until later that night I decided to text her with a little inside joke to see if I got a response and it did. I then asked if she would enjoy going to dinner with me even though I had clearly stated I could not be "just friends" during this time. She obliged and we were off. I played everything cool never pressured her asking about the relationship etc. I told her I hated being apart and how I really truly felt about her. I found it very important to say that I did NOT want the relationship we used to have but instead that I wanted something NEW without routines or any of the ruts that most people get into. I can simply say this folks, our relationship has a connection and closeness we only dreamed of having. IF I would have stayed in NC with a stubborn "I am the poor dumpee" then I would not be the happy person I am today. Sometimes NC does detrimental things to a relationship even though your friends tell you it is the way to go. Bottom line is this. Follow your heart and think positive if you truly want this person back into your life. Your good mood will be contagious and she will wonder why you feel great and she is sad and missing you. ALWAYS take the high road if you feel the breakup is not needed. If anyone needs any advice I am here to provide empathy with NO ebook or stupid website to advertise. Trust me I have been to all of them hahaha. Namaste! Absolutely right - I was completely shouted down on a thread of mine earlier this week and was put off starting any more threads, and almost put off posting altogether as those kind of comments are really not what I needed. I am staggered sometimes that people can be so judgemental and make such sweeping statements and generalisations - although there are similarities in the feelings of heartbreak most of us on here are going through, the set of circumstances that brought the situation about are unique to each couple. In the thread I posted, I was looking for people's opinion from their own experiences and not for judgement on my own but that's exactly what I got and it actually upset me, especially when I am feeling very sensitive anyway just now (and who isn't when they are going through the trauma of heartbreak and the loss of people they love/d). As for no contact, it's surely got to be a personal choice. Sometimes, as you have shown, it can be the wrong thing to do. But no-one should be shouted down and vilified for the choices they make. Good luck to you Edited October 19, 2012 by Jingle14 3
Author simpilot Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 Thanks Jingle, I will have to pop over to your thread and see what your story is. 1
Calico Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 As for no contact, it's surely got to be a personal choice. Sometimes, as you have shown, it can be the wrong thing to do. But no-one should be shouted down and vilified for the choices they make. I agree that everyone needs to make the decision for themselves, because in the end they are responsible for their own life. It's always an individual call. But if you read over the thousands of threads in just this forum section, you'll find that the vast majority of cases where people broke NC did not have a happy ending. We're talking a >90% number here. And if you follow "Second Chances", you'll also see that most of the "we got back together!" cases result in another break-up a few weeks or months down the road. There are very few relationships (including marriages) that are successful in the mid and long term after a breakup. The first cut is the deepest and it's hard to recover from it, because trust and confidence suffered perhaps irreparable damage. So, when people strongly recommend to a dumpee to not break NC, it's not based on theory and personal opinion, but on a huge body of evidence and experience. It's right in front of everyone here. Exceptions confirm the rule, they don't invalidate it. The "danger" of threads like this one is that it seemingly offers "proof" to the addicted brain that breaking NC in the first month is perfectly reasonable, even promising, and it feeds right into the HD quality projecting that freshly dumped people almost always engage in. Rational thinking is mostly disabled in those times and few people stop and realize that if 90+ out of 100 NC violations by the dumpee result in blinding pain, there is an excellent chance that that is exactly what they will experience, too. But a fresh dumpee will see a thread like this and think, "That's how it will be for me, too!" and jump into the meatgrinder. But as I said, I wouldn't "shout" at anyone who wants to break NC (much better to tell them, and myself, "I told you so!"), and it's probably not even bad to get burnt a few times before the lesson sinks in. May make moving on more reliable. It may be preferable over months of agonizing over the question whether the decision was the right one. And I'm happy for everyone who experiences a happy ending. But it's not the norm, it's not likely and it's more often than not the wrong choice even if you want your ex back (because it has a higher chance to push them away a little more than to make them want you back). 1
Author simpilot Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 I agree that everyone needs to make the decision for themselves, because in the end they are responsible for their own life. It's always an individual call. But if you read over the thousands of threads in just this forum section, you'll find that the vast majority of cases where people broke NC did not have a happy ending. We're talking a >90% number here. And if you follow "Second Chances", you'll also see that most of the "we got back together!" cases result in another break-up a few weeks or months down the road. There are very few relationships (including marriages) that are successful in the mid and long term after a breakup. The first cut is the deepest and it's hard to recover from it, because trust and confidence suffered perhaps irreparable damage. So, when people strongly recommend to a dumpee to not break NC, it's not based on theory and personal opinion, but on a huge body of evidence and experience. It's right in front of everyone here. Exceptions confirm the rule, they don't invalidate it. The "danger" of threads like this one is that it seemingly offers "proof" to the addicted brain that breaking NC in the first month is perfectly reasonable, even promising, and it feeds right into the HD quality projecting that freshly dumped people almost always engage in. Rational thinking is mostly disabled in those times and few people stop and realize that if 90+ out of 100 NC violations by the dumpee result in blinding pain, there is an excellent chance that that is exactly what they will experience, too. But a fresh dumpee will see a thread like this and think, "That's how it will be for me, too!" and jump into the meatgrinder. But as I said, I wouldn't "shout" at anyone who wants to break NC (much better to tell them, and myself, "I told you so!"), and it's probably not even bad to get burnt a few times before the lesson sinks in. May make moving on more reliable. It may be preferable over months of agonizing over the question whether the decision was the right one. And I'm happy for everyone who experiences a happy ending. But it's not the norm, it's not likely and it's more often than not the wrong choice even if you want your ex back (because it has a higher chance to push them away a little more than to make them want you back). I do actually 100% agree with you here. My thread is not to send the wrong message. I only chose to break no contact on a whim that they were still interested in me and I was right. I would have stayed in NC forever had they not cared nor shown any interest romantically. That is the important thing here. I hadn't blown up their phone nor try to crawl back into their life. I was a dumpee and I saw it as that, if they wanted anything to do with me they would tell me right? It is common sense to me that if someone that dumps you is in love with you and want's to work things out that it is worth that shot because you only live once. I would NEVER recommend that anyone puts themselves in a situation for heartbreak.
Jingle14 Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Thanks Jingle, I will have to pop over to your thread and see what your story is. Hi Simpilot - have added a link on my other post you commented on for you to see
Sugarkane Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I totally understand that frame of mind, but realize that they are hurting too during this period. When people are sad they become lonely and seclude themselves from the world. Did you ever think that they might be thinking the same thing but are too stubborn to pick up the phone? If you take the high road I promise you that you will find out quickly if they are over you or not. The breakups in my life have been blessings in disguise. I doubt he hurt at all and he has a better support system than I do. My ex doesnt have the ability to think about others beside himself. I would be really tempted to be as equally as cold and callous as he is. I can imagine him being really cruel. I don't know if it's worth it.
Author simpilot Posted October 19, 2012 Author Posted October 19, 2012 I doubt he hurt at all and he has a better support system than I do. My ex doesnt have the ability to think about others beside himself. I would be really tempted to be as equally as cold and callous as he is. I can imagine him being really cruel. I don't know if it's worth it. Yeah doesn't sound like it, nor do you want to be around someone like that. Moving on is best for you darlin.
a.b Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 It's true that everyone's situation is different and you have to do what you want to do. After all it's your life, no one else s. But to make a decision to fight for a relationship requires a stable mind, and a lot of the people on here are not thinking straight. You have to be sure that the other person still wants to be with you and whether they are even worth being with. Take my situation for example, I have only just came to terms with the fact my ex has moved on and with someone else (the person she cheated on me with). Even if I wanted to fight for our relationship, it would only end in my heartbreak and humiliation. And even if it somehow worked, she is certainly not the sort of person I should be with. But a few weeks ago I would have probably gone back to her if I could. NC gives you time to reflect and realise some cold hard factS about the relationship, and most of the time it's that you need to let it go.
NoMoreJerks Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Thanks Calico! I have thought about it, perhaps I will have us both pick one out together. We have started dating again and both get that OMG butterfly feeling when around each other. We lost the spark it ended with a break but it made us both realize just how much we meant to eachother. Also Cal, I always have enjoyed your responses. You keep the mood up and up around here. Honestly, I hope you do realize that this is VERY rare. The chances of this happening are about 0.1%. In most cases, relationships break down because of serious problems from one side or both, or plain incompatibility. These problems cannot be solved in most cases. You just can't make someone who never loved you, love you, no matter how much distance you leave and how long a break you take. You can't change someone's personality, or his feelings. If he's emotionally "unavailable", or a narcissist (as my ex was), you cannot undo that. So while in your case it may have worked out (again, sorry to suggest this , but how long is this going to last?), in most cases it will not, and has not. I gave my ex a second chance -- he came back and did the same **** he pulled on me the first time around. If I gave him 10 chances, he would have screwed up 10 times. I can't change him, and there is no use trying. A wise person said that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, is the definition of insanity.
NoMoreJerks Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 If they are not 100% sure they want to be with me... I do not / am not going to be with them. ... I have never had to beg, plead, convince, negotiate, threaten, manipulate, etc. someone to be / want to be with me. I am me. They either liked it or they don't. If someone does not know who they are or what they want... I do not pursue them, date them, want to enter a relationship with them, marry them. Words to live by. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 This is an interesting point but I wonder if there isn't an error in logic here. The people who have had a bad experience with breaking NC come here because they've had a bad experience. The people who get hurt when breaking NC need somewhere to vent and find comfort. Those that do not simply go about the business of getting back to their lives. So perhaps it's only really 10% or 20% of the breakers who are having negative outcomes. Well, I don't think there is a "selection bias" here per se. We are talking about "second chances" -- most people who come here, do so upon their first break-up or problem in a relationship. Then they try to work it out, while they are on this forum , asking for advice. They have been advised to go NC. They have tried, time and again, to break NC (despite all the advice to the contrary), after being tempted that something positive might come out of talking to their ex. In almost all cases, this has not worked, even if , at first, they thought things were getting back on track. This was the case for me, and for many other threads I have read on here. It's not like most of these threads were created by people who came to this forum AFTER the failure of their second chances.
Jingle14 Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 This is an interesting point but I wonder if there isn't an error in logic here. The people who have had a bad experience with breaking NC come here because they've had a bad experience. The people who get hurt when breaking NC need somewhere to vent and find comfort. Those that do not simply go about the business of getting back to their lives. So perhaps it's only really 10% or 20% of the breakers who are having negative outcomes. Either way, i don't think the OP deserves the assassination of his own views and experiences that he had a couple of posts back. Life is not always so black and white and although i agree with some of the comments Gibson made - in particular about lack of communication in the OP's relationship as my ex and his ex wife were like that for the whole of their 20 years together and that damaged him for dealing with an actual mature, adult relationship - i think that was far too harsh and exactly the type of post which makes me question posting on these forums.
NoMoreJerks Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 The point is that they're here because it didn't work, so there definitely is some selection bias. You're not seeing the ones for whom it did work. I am not following the logic here. Most people are here because they were dumped, not because their "second chance" didn't work. They give it a second chance, and most of the time, it doesn't work. That doesn't mean they were here BECAUSE the second chance didn't work. 1
Jingle14 Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Eh? I'm not assassinating anyone's views. I'm delighted for the OP. I don't think there's any one way the demise of relationships should be handled. What was harsh? I think NC is kind of retarded myself (especially if you're over the age of 12). No, no sorry not you, I agree with your comment, i meant that posted by Gibson. Sorry if that wasnt clear.
Jingle14 Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 Gotcha! Sorry, it's early here...not enough coffee just yet. No worries - nearly tea time here 1
NoMoreJerks Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I honestly have no idea what you're trying to say at this point lol! There doesn't seem to be any indication that the second chances are or aren't or working, or that NC is a good way to go, that is in any way quantifiable. The people that are here are here because first, second, fiftieth, zillionth chances aren't working or didn't work. The folks who broke NC and rode off into the sunset with their partners are not here posting. The 90% figure quoted above makes as much sense as saying 65% of people fail 100% of the time. This is a self-selected sample and in no way representative of a real life sample randomly collected from all relationships. On what grounds are you assuming that those who "rode off into the sunset with their partners" exist in such large numbers, just that they are not here posting here anymore because they resolved their problems? Maybe there are so few of them to begin with? It seems to be an assumption on your part that, just because there are no such posts, it's because they rode off into the sunset. I mean, if OP made a post after his second chance worked for him, why wouldn't others as well? I see no reason why someone who used to post here, and worked things out with their partner, would NECESSARILY not come back and update people on the situation. It's an assumption that they are not here because it worked out for them -- it could be that "they" are not here because such cases where everything works out fine and they live happily ever after, are rare to begin with.
Lisa_Lisa Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I know a lot of married couples and people in relationships who have had loads of trouble during their marriage/relationship, i.e. alcoholism, physical abuse, lying, cheating, substance abuse, etc. Usually they've produced children during these years as well. If we all were to divorce or break up over these MAJOR AND UNACCEPTABLE issues, we'd all be single. All these couples I know are still married/together mostly because they've either put up with the bullsh*t and/or compromised on everything the spouse has put them through and vice versa because they "really really love him/her." There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. There's no way in hell boy meets girl and they ride off into the sunset without them hitting a fork in the road somewhere. It just doesn't happen.
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