phuongnn Posted October 19, 2012 Posted October 19, 2012 I need to vent my story out so it does not squeeze my heart so tight and for anyone out there who is feeling down, they are not alone. Also for me to NOT CONTACT my ex. This year has been so tearful for me. Ok. I was with my ex Eric for 4 years. I mentioned his name because he is a real person with an identity, a man who Im in love with. He was my first and only love to this point. We lived together and went through a lot of important decisions/family events together just like any other couples. We were happy with plans and hope together. I worked so hard to support him through university to become an engineer like today with plans that when he finishes he will work for me to complete my medical studies. I decided to stay here in a foreign country for him far away from my friends and family. He has always been my lover, my friend and my family as well. His family was my family and I treated them with all my love and care. I have been working as a medical scientist and the job was very stressful with high time and accuracy pressure. It requires 24h shift works and travel to rural regions. I had to do a lot of over time in order to support both of us (i worked averagely > 60 hrs a week). But everyday I still made sure that dinner was ready and cold drinks in the fridge for Eric before he got home and his shirts were ironed and coffee on the kitchen bench for him in the morning. Everybody said he was so spoiled but I think he deserved it. Eric was always a strong arm for me to rest on when I was tired and gave me support with my job. He would spent 3 hrs drive me to work and another 3 hrs to drive back. He would call me everyday on the phone when I was in the country just to see how I was. Without him I could never ever do my job. Things turn sour when I got too stressed with working long hours. I hardly ever had any days off (even weekend or public holidays). I had less than 10 days off in the first 8 months of this year. Eric wanted me more at his family events when I could not be in town although I never forgot a single special family occasions. I tried to see them when I was in town for a coffee or invite them over for dinner to compensate for them time I was away. I could not be positive anymore because of stress. Earlier this year, I had a surgery and was told that I was infertile which pushed my stress to a next level. He could not stand me anymore. At the end of last year and beginning of this year Eric went on an overseas trip to South America by himself (but with my credit card) a holiday that we planned to go together to celebrate his graduation. Eric did not let me go with him and I knew then it was not a good sign. So when he was away, I tried to bring myself together by looking for a more permanent job, taking better care of myself and booking a trip to South America for myself. Taking a day off from work to greet him at the airport, I realized he was different. He could no longer treat me with tenderness and care like he did before. He was hiding his disappointment with me in the stress of a new job. I could feel it but I was too tired/inexperience to do anything about it. I forgot to mention that Eric’s got Asperger and he cannot understand other’s joy or pain outside the social standard. For examples, he knows not to laugh at a funeral but he cannot understand why people think/feel differently to him. He judges people based on his own standards. When a family friend got married, his reaction was bitterness and suspicion that the girl was trying to trap the boy for money while to everyone else in the family they were clearly madly in love. I was really distressed when my mom attempted suicide (because of her failed 30yrs marriage) and he said to me I was a drama queen just like my mom. It was really hurtful but I was so blindly in love with him to realize the distance. He could no longer empathize with me or more accurately he could no longer bare my presence because his love for me was gone to overcome the asperger impairment. Eric compared me with his brother’s girlfriend (now wife) all the time. He even called her name a few times when we made love. I was deeply sad and stressed that I confessed to him that I deserved to be treated better. In response, on Valentine’s day he went home with flowers and tears to tell me that he wanted to break up. His reason was that we were not compatible and he wanted to settle down with a family but I was just not the one. I was hurt but told him he needed to move out from my house. Eric thought about it and told me that he was not able to do so financially and did not want to break up anymore. I let him stay but could not be truly happy because he could no longer treat me with love. Eric got pay rise and on the day that we were going out to celebrate that he told me that he would move out. That day was a Saturday. I just finished my 4 overnight shifts in a row crawling in bed at 7am totally tuckered out. Eric woke me up because he wanted to have sex. He raped me when I was begging him to let me have some rest and then told me that he dumped me forever from then It was so hurtful. I felt worse than a whore because they even get paid for that. I felt being used. Eric of course did not give a **** about how I felt. I still cooked, cared and even packed for him during the last 3 weeks. I went overseas for a few days when he moved out. I was a complete mess in the following months with no contact but on one sunny day in July, I gave him a booty call with hope of reconciliation because I knew we had always had a good sex life. Eric was seeing someone else at the time but he was not very happy with her sexually so he agreed. We met up a few times after that then Eric decided to cut it all when I quit my job and left for South America in August. I had fabulous time over there. I felt balance found happiness from within me, a feeling that I've lost for so long. But the dream soon ended as I returned from South America. I found out I was pregnant surprisingly because my gynae once said impossible. I did not have time to be happy with the news then it came I had a missed miscarriage. I had no signs of a miscarriage so I could not stop hoping that the doctors were wrong. I was once told that I was infertile and when it actually happened I could not keep it. It was devastating. They decided that I would need a D&C because there was no signs that the bub would come out by itself. This whole thing was the most painful awful thing I had been through in my life in all aspects physically and emotionally. I never knew how strong the motherhood bonding was even though it was only a few months. I feel guilty that I should never have gone on holidays. I had to face all of those intense feelings, extreme loss, guilty and depression by myself in a foreign country with no one by my side. I could not stop sobbing in the week waiting for the D&C. My heart broke when the OT door opened and took all my hope away. I wished my baby would give me some indications that we was gone so it might have been less heart-breaking. Everything happened too fast. I was so devastating and desperate and I called Eric because I had no one else to call in a totally foreign country. Eric was the only person close enough for me to feel safe and relax around in this situation. The man that I had to work so hard for him to finish his university and for him to travel overseas refuses to lend me a hand because he was too busy ****ing other girls (literally that was what he told me). I begged him to give me some support because I was at the deepest point of loneliness. He passed by the hospital to drop me a few stuffs that he prepared for his current gf who had an appendectomy a few weeks before, which totally wrecked my heart. His family also turned their back at me and did not want to get involved. Eric never knew the pregnancy had terminated so on the day of the procedures, he texted me cursing me for trapping him with a kid and messing up his and his girlfriend’s lives. It was never my intention to trap him. I never thought I could be pregnant and if everything had gone well, I would never ever called Eric. I hate to know that Eric will live the rest of his life with hatred and detest towards me. I do not want revenge but I also thought that he should have been with me when I needed him most if he wanted to know what happened. He does not deserve to know what happened if he could not be bothered to care. Im still madly deeply in love with Eric. I bought him and his family presents from overseas as I always did. I even made him a cake on his birthday but I know it is really over and I have to let time heal my heart. Im jealous with him and I wish I could just move on so quickly like him like nothing ever happened. A missed miscarriage on top of a break up is seriously beyond my ability to cope. I was once a girl traveling around the world by myself and now I cannot even take basic care of myself. I miss my bub and I miss Eric. I sometimes wonder if I deserve to be happy again. I was just coming out of a brutal break up to face losing my baby. This miscarriage is the worst break up in my life because in the end of the day it is a break up with my flesh my blood my dream my hope and my future, a bond that no man could understand. I wonder if I ever manage to reproduce again. All hope is gone. To all men out there, treat your girl well because she is lot more vulnerable. There will be pain she may have to suffer that u will never understand. No matter how strong and independent a woman may appear there are always time she will need love and tenderness and a strong arm to lean on. And still I dream he'll come to me That we will live the years together But there are dreams that cannot be And there are storms we cannot weather I had a dream my life would be So different from this hell I'm living So different now from what it seemed Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.
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