nflfilms1 Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 I am 21 years old right now. I met a girl online about 1500 miles away from where I live almost two years ago. We were both going to college. For a few weeks we talked by email. Then we went to talking on the phone. That grew and grew and grew until we were talking on the phone for hours a day. we had totally fallen for each other. We decided that we wanted to meet each other which we did about six months after we had originally met online just looking for friendship. We met about halfway in between where we live with our families and had just a super time. We decided that we needed to be together. We decided that we wanted to get married someday. So we were verbally engaged. She told her family with excitement and they supported her. I was scared to tell my family because I was afraid they would be upset. Well over our summer I went to spend two weeks with her family and then she came back to my home and was planning on living with my family for the rest of the summer(about two months). She had thought that my family knew that we were engaged because I had told her that I had told my family about it when I really had not. She eventually figured out that they didn't know when she was here for a little while. Well we went one day and I bought her an engagement ring. Then when we made it back home we told my parents. My mom especially totally freaked out. This made my gf upset as well it should have. My family wanted us to think more about it because they said we had religious differences and money issues to work out before we could get married. Well my family ticked my gf off so much that she suddenly left and went back home. I had wanted to go out by her and go to college. My parents didn't want me to go there which left me with a tough decision. Well my family made me feel really guilty. It felt like if I would go out there that it seemed like they thought I didn't love them. So they basically made the decision for me. However they said I should save up money and go to school there next semester or work and save up money to get married. So I did work and eventually went out by my gf to go to college. My fiancee had been planning on getting married this june. My parents however wouldn't have let me go out there if we were getting married in june. Well I went out there telling my parents that we wouldn't get married this year while my fiancee thought we were getting married. I wanted to get married but I didn't feel like we were financially ready for that. I wanted to be able to talk to her and to my family, but I didn't know what to do. My family thought one thing and my fiancee another. Well the date kept getting closer. I left in May to go back home when I finished the semester of college. My fiancee was expecting to get married in June while my family had expected us to wait. I couldn't get the courage to tell anyone. With the date only three days away I was planning on getting on a plane and going out there. I had no idea what was going to happen. I wanted to be with her but I couldn't support me and her and go to school all at the same time. Well my parents figured everything out the night before I was going to leave and called her family and her and told her I wasn't coming out there. I melted down and couldn't talk to anyone. My dad told her that i loved her but i wasn't coming that i wasn't ready for that. I wasn't able to tell her that I wasn't ready for marriage yet. Well we didn't talk for a few weeks. I emailed her and she says that she wants to be friends yet but in no way will she be romantically involved ever. Well I went and got counselling and I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder or social phobia along with major depression. I am currently taking medication for it. Well I really miss her really bad and I want to be with her so bad. I love her more than I can explain yet I can't do anything about it. I sent some stuff to her home but that doesn't help anything. I know that I don't deserve her back after what I have done. I never wanted to hurt anyone but my social problems kept me from being able to tell anyone my problems and concerns because I didn't want anyone I loved hurt. I just wish she could see my heart and see how much I love her and that I didn't want to do this to her or her family. That my social problems caused me to do this. She knows I am seeing a therapist and supports me through this as a friend but I miss her romatically. We are 1500 miles apart and I'm scared she will never want to see me again. What can I do to make her want me back or even give me a chance at all? I know I don't deserve a chance considering what I have done but she knows that my social problems caused me to be afraid. I just wish she would come back to me. I'm crazy for her. Im so crazy that I look at a picture of her and tell her that I love her. I think of her all day long and what she might be doing and what we would be doing if we were together. I need help.
uriel Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Keep getting therapy so that you can forgive yourself and begin focusing on developing more agency in your life. If you were ready for marriage, you would have been able to tell your family about your engagement and your wedding date. You may have found the right girl to marry, but you can't offer her that yet. Your therapist will need to help you discover / uncover some of the root causes of your disorders. If they have to do with your relationship with your family, then you may need to move out on your own and gain a separate financial life in order to begin to heal. If, however, your family is functional, your parents may be actually preventing you from acting on your disorders by making a serious commitment too soon. Sounds like they haven't been against this girl or your ultimate marriage to her so much as your rushing things when you still have school and further growth to do -- so, this may be a possibility. This girl loves you, but she's right to put the brakes on romance until you've got things sorted out. There's no guarantee that you'll end up together, but there's no certainty that you won't either. Whatever happens, you need to get yourself into shape so that you can have a healthy, loving future with someone -- and a fulfilling life on your own. Take care -- uriel
dub03 Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 I know I don't know much about your relationship, but are you sure getting engaged in the first place was such a smart idea? You guys met on-line and very shortly after only meeting her face to face for the first time you got engaged. I am not trying at all to be offensive here, but it seems like you 2 made a brash decision based on head over heels feelings. It seems like you two never really experienced the true trials of an up and down relationship, which is defienlty hard to have being 1500 miles apart. Its those trials that really let you know whether the two of you are ready for the long haul. More importantly... You are still young!!! College is by far the best time of a young bachelors life!! Live up the time you have left at school, and party your ass off. You only get to do it once. Not only will that get her off your mind, but it will put yourself in the right social situations to meet other women! I know it hurts... a broken heart always does, but honestly you are in the best situation to get over it. You will never be in a larger singles pool than away at school take advantage of it while it lasts!
Author nflfilms1 Posted July 30, 2004 Author Posted July 30, 2004 We talked for at least 6 hours per day while i we were at separate schools on the phone or on the computer. Then when we went to school we spent almost every moment together. As far as going out and partying it up. That is not my thing. I don't drink and don't want to drink. As far as I'm concerned I can spend my money on much better things than beer. And to add to that I suffer from social anxiety disorder so I feel nervous around people I don't know and don't like to be around large groups of people. I am also not going to be going to college for right now because I am getting counselling for my problems and I need to work to get money to pay for my therapy.
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