2sunny Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 You should have posted on the Other Woman forum. Most replies here will slap you repeatedly for the sin you have committed. I don't really understand why you had an affair if it wasn't a great love, but to each its own. You are in no way in a place now to focus on your M or your H. Unless you are forced to confess because of your MM, do not change anything about your marriage right now. Your marriage will follow its course. All you need to do is get over the period of grief, and it will take you more than a couple of days. The idea that you can put the energy from the A into the M, or you stole something from the H is stuff people pull out from the BS manual. Relationships are different between different people, and it's downright creepy to try to copy one R into a different one, like asking a gorgeous brunette to dye her hair blonde because an ex was blonde. Your M was obviously not giving you something, and you'll have time to see what you can improve there. If you jump into fixing the M before processing the loss of the A, I doubt it's the best way to go. Process the loss of the affair first? The M could be dust by the time she processes the loss of the affair. See a counselor to find out what was so wrong that YOU CHOSE to cheat - then fix that about yourself! This is about you and what needs fixing inside you in order to be a faithful wife again moving forward. Otherwise you should be expecting to cheat again if you don't address why you cheated to begin with. You have work to do on yourself - MM or no MM - H or no H - you have work to do. 4
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Of course I am sick that she might contact H She may contact your husband. Many BS's DO get ahold of the other affair partners spouse... and my advice to you is, tell your husband the truth. Better that he hears it from you. And, I doubt he'll be shocked to find out..On some level he probably suspects something is 'off' about you but trusts you, though his gut knows. Not judging, but do seek counseling to help you grieve this loss and get "you" back. You're not the same woman your husband married and I'm sure the lying, sneaking around, hiding all this from your husband has taken a toll as well. Your husband also knows you well, so he probably senses your sadness. If he asks what is up, DO tell him. Own your affair and the choices you made. Hopefully he will give you a chance to regain his trust again and do marriage counseling with you. 3
ComingInHot Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I gotta give you credit for coming onto this forum. I hope you did so because you REALY want direction. I would suggest trying to look at things from the different perspectives in this mess. You already see it from Your position and are still thinking of solutions from your own perspective. How about from your Children's perspective. How do you see them feeling When the A comes out to them and how do you for see them viewing you and your actions during then after d day and how you hid, lied & covered your butt from them? ( I am NOT being mean but really sincere here*) What about from your husband's perspective? Pretend it is You who were deceived, lied to, humiliated, and then "gaslighted" w/a cover up by your one true love and partner? One of the most difficult things is to take yourself out of the "All about ME " world to see the affect/trauma the situation may be having or could have on the people you love and/or who love you. I KNOW you want more for the people you Do love. Now go Be that person you can be proud of!! 3
GLDheart Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 ...I am torn about confessing to H. Right now I feel like it should be my burden to bear... You poor soul... Carrying the weight of this on your weary shoulders... Hide it from your weak little husband. It's the kindest thing you can do. In fact you are the victim here... Your husband would thank you for how willing you are to protect him like this. 1
waterwoman Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 Can I make a suggestion princess. When D-Day happened I was totally blind-sided and distraught. I had suspicions that something was wrong but I didn't guess an A. Over the months I have been through every emotion at all levels. It's been messy. But one thing that H kept saying was 'I can't beleive how hurt you are' which struck me as stupid and infuriating! Partly it was because he couldn't beleive how much I loved him I guess but also he didn't totally understand my viewpoint. So i wrote him a letter and described my feelings and experiences while the affair was ongoing and during and after d-day. But I swapped our places - so that he was the one being betrayed by me with a coworker. And he was being betrayed sexually where he betrayed me largely emotionally - the things that hurt us both most. Try that. Try to imagine how you would feel in his place. Really give it your best shot. That should help to ease your pain at losing OM. I think H;'s witness of my pain helped to kill his feeling for OW. And gave him something else to think about!
twosadthings Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 I will post despite seeing that you've found your way to the dark(er) side on the OtherMan/OtherWoman forum. It just isn't reasonable to expect to make a spark in your marriage when you keep peeing on it. In your first post you were looking for shoulders to cry on over the loss of your affair and the garbageman (a comment on what he is made of not a knock on any profession) who also peed on his wife, marriage and family. The second post was a continuation of your pitti-party where you tried to ellicit sympathy by saying you hate yourself. Finally, you arrived at the missing spark post which sets up the tried and true cheater tested blaming of the spouse for lack of attention, affection, sex, caring or you name it reason for the affair. I doubt the seriousness of your desire or abilty to save your marriage but the only suggestion I will make is that when you make a bad/wrong/stupid choices don't keep making them. Also, metaphorically speaking, do something about your bladder control. 3
Kevin0627 Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 You should have posted on the Other Woman forum. Most replies here will slap you repeatedly for the sin you have committed. Realest reply in this thread.
frozensprouts Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Op, I have a couple of points to make, and I mean no disrespect when i say them... the first is ...who are you to decide for your husband matters of such importance about his life, as well as what he can and can't handle? If you were in his place, what would you want? It's not a matter of whether or not you love him, but a matter of decent and common human respect to treat him as a adult fully capable of making informed decisions about what he wants his life to be like. i find it truly ironic that you lament that your affair ended due to circumstances over which you had no control ( thus your life was affected by something you had no say in), yet you feel it's an acceptable course of action to treat your husband in the same way...his life is being affected by something over which he has zero control or even knowledge...if you were in his place, and he was cheating on you, would you want to know? would you want to find out from him or someone else? how would you feel about the idea that " i didn't tell you and i carried the "burden" all on my own" ? as for waiting until you grieve the loss of your affair...all I can say is piffle! ( would like to say something much more vulgar, but meh...). if you thunk you can do that and have it not affect your marriage and husband...all I can say to you is that you had better be the bets damned actor in the world, otherwise he'll know somethings wrong and what will you tell him? you're upset about work? something else? life in general? he may well end up feeling he's done something that's upsetting you and it's making you sad...will you take the easy way out and let him believe that? I hope not. No offense intended, but while you're moping about in self pity ( not trying to be harsh...but that's what it is...you feel sorry for yourself, but we've all been there) you're not the only one hurting. you're also hurting your husband ( and kids, if you have any) and they don't know why. Not to be coarse, but you've screwed up. that doesn't make you evil incarnate, but it does mean that you need to suck it up and start taking a good hard look at what got you to the place you're in. when it comes to being a betrayed spouse, I'm sorry, but unless you have been one, you have no idea what it feels like or what it can do to a person. It's not like being cheated on by a boyfriend...it's a fundamental breach of trust that touches all aspects of your life....some marriages can recover from it, some can't. one final question...who are you really lying for? is it to protect your husband and kids, or is it to protect yourself? If you say it's for you kids, you've already exposed them to a huge risk by cheating. If you say it's for your husband, i'd ask you why it's such a terrible thing to let him decide for himself how much "protecting" he needs. If you say it's to protect yourself, i commend you for being honest. you're not a terrible person, but you did something that could really affect the lives of a whole lot of people. right now, you don't really have to luxury of wallowing around stagnating in self pity. what good will that do you? pick yourself up, gather your strength and face your problems like an adult, not like a sneaky child who ate all the cookies in the jar and now has a belly ache but doesn't want to get caught... best of luck to you, and i hope that you and your family can move forward from this to find much happiness in the rest of your lives 7
Author BrokenPrincess Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Nothing about my posts have been intended to be a pity party..they are just my real feelings in the immediate days my A ended. I feel like some people posting may not remember or maybe even know what these first few weeks may feel like. Even though many are criticizing me (and guess I deserve it probably not posting in the right place for support to begin with), I AM trying to get my marriage back. H & I had a big talk last night & actually went our first date in 10 months tonight. I'm sure it sounds stupid, but I actually teared up in the car because I was so touched that he finally heard me and I felt hope that we could get back on track. I'm sure I'll probably get another slew of posts of what awful person I am (or worse,more messages that I am only faking that I hate myself)...at the worst low of my life how can someone really question that gut wrenching confession? I don't even know what to say. It was all my courage to write that and I'm humiliated now that I even admitted it.
Spark1111 Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 You admitted it to a bunch of strangers on the Internet - how is that courage? Or even accountability? Admit it to the person who matters - your husband. Welcome to LS and the court of public opinion. I am sorry for you pain. What you are receiving right now on this forum is the pain and anger from those who have been betrayed by someone they loved and survived the aftermath. You are getting great advice here, as much as you may not want to hear it right now, from people who represent the perspective of BS....like your H is whether he knows it yet or not. It is, IMO, arrogant, condescending and woefully selfish and self-protective to keep te truth of your affair from him. We cannot help to fix what we do not know is broken. We are not mind readers. Unless you understand why you crossed a million boundaries to have an affair with this man, meeting in his car in a parking lot to say good-by, risking your marriage, your family, his marriage, his family for "feeling good and alive," you may never be able to put it all honestly back together. Think of what you risked for a feeling? Try to find out why you did that, because that is really, really self-destructive. In time, you should realize that it was NOT the man, but the feeling you had while with him that should be your focus of introspection; and why you almost sacrificed all you hold dear to chase that feeling. 5
Darren Steez Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 I love my husband and I want to get help to get myself back on a positive path. You're right I haven't mentioned him much because I think the initial shock of the A ended just slammed me with the sudden loss of companionship of my OM. Today already my focus is shifting and I don't feel as blinded by grief as I did 2 days ago. I want to get the spark back in my marriage. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and process all these emotions What is truly sad is that your husband was no where near your thoughts while you were doing everything you were doing with OM and now suddenly you want to focus on him and your marriage? Not to be harsh but it actually makes me sick to read this, the poor man has no idea of the depth of betrayal and now you're going to pretend you're putting the spark back into your marriage. He IS second place to OM, and always will be, and he'll never know. If this is marriage, I dont want it. 5
frozensprouts Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Nothing about my posts have been intended to be a pity party..they are just my real feelings in the immediate days my A ended. I feel like some people posting may not remember or maybe even know what these first few weeks may feel like. Even though many are criticizing me (and guess I deserve it probably not posting in the right place for support to begin with), I AM trying to get my marriage back. H & I had a big talk last night & actually went our first date in 10 months tonight. I'm sure it sounds stupid, but I actually teared up in the car because I was so touched that he finally heard me and I felt hope that we could get back on track. I'm sure I'll probably get another slew of posts of what awful person I am (or worse,more messages that I am only faking that I hate myself)...at the worst low of my life how can someone really question that gut wrenching confession? I don't even know what to say. It was all my courage to write that and I'm humiliated now that I even admitted it. I know it may seem like people are being cruel, but believe me, they are trying to help you by attempting to open your eyes to the reality of the situation. If you want your marriage to work so that you an eventually find happiness in your life together, all the hand holding and " you poor things"s in the world won't do more than give you a momentary comfort. I realize this is going to sound incredibly harsh , but it sounds like something that could really help you would be to put your affair into perspective. Your affair was simply a relationship, nothing more, nothing less. Only you an know the depth of your feelings, but be cautious to not assign more meaning to it that it is due. If you've ever survived a break up with a boyfriend in the past, you'll survive this one too. It's good that you and your husband were able to get out and enjoy some time together. what will your next move be? Honestly, marriage counseling may be a big help to the two of you right now. I do hope that you're talking to your husband so that the two of you an share any issues you may have. 3
Darren Steez Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Nothing about my posts have been intended to be a pity party..they are just my real feelings in the immediate days my A ended. I feel like some people posting may not remember or maybe even know what these first few weeks may feel like. Even though many are criticizing me (and guess I deserve it probably not posting in the right place for support to begin with), I AM trying to get my marriage back. H & I had a big talk last night & actually went our first date in 10 months tonight. I'm sure it sounds stupid, but I actually teared up in the car because I was so touched that he finally heard me and I felt hope that we could get back on track. I'm sure I'll probably get another slew of posts of what awful person I am (or worse,more messages that I am only faking that I hate myself)...at the worst low of my life how can someone really question that gut wrenching confession? I don't even know what to say. It was all my courage to write that and I'm humiliated now that I even admitted it. Did you talk to him when you were looking forward to facetime and your multitude of conversations with OM. Come on, you probably suggested the date and the guy feels like he's finally doing something right, yet this is all an exercise in exorcising the guilt after being flung under the bus. If this is marriage, I don't want it! 2
BeholdtheMan Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 the level of selfishness and dishonest hypocrisy in the OPs thinking is enough to make me lose my faith in humanity. ur not doing ur husband a favor keeping him in the dark and allowing him to live a lie. youve already betrayed his trust, have the common decency to allow him to choose whether or not he wants to keep an unfaithful spouse its plain as day that your unwilling to be honest to ur husband, not because you want to bear the burden for him, but because you lack the moral courage to confess your betrayal and face the consequences please dont pretend to be protecting ur betrayed spouse when all u really care about is how much pain and inconvenience disclosure would cause to you 2
Bugz Bunny Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) Hi BrokenPrincess I ll be honest and try not to be to harsh but after reading your posts it will be really challenging to be calm... First I must say that its a sad story,sad for your husband and children and the OMW and her children,the innocent people that will be hurt by your selfish actions... In your first post you are only talking about your POSOM and his poor wife...You are so selfish that not even once you mentioned your family (your innocent husband and children) the people that love you the most...Never once did you mention your innocent family that you destroyed with your selfishness...and for what ? for some cheap sex with a men that you say that you dont even love... You also said and I ll quote "I would have never thought my marriage had any problems until that kiss and now the A, which is forcing me to take a closer look". Guess what.There were never any big problems because after this "kiss" you started to rewrite your marriage history and paint your husband and marriage with only bad memories... The only bad thing in your marriage is your affair and if there were any minor problems in the marriage (every marriage has them) they will be only worse now when you add your selfish affair to it... And your affair is stil going on and it will only end if you confess it to your husband.Why? Because by keeping the affair a secret to your husband and family you are having something "special to cherish" with you POSOM (the secret) and if you have any respect for your husband left you need to tell him the truth...No one deserves to live in a lie and especialy not your husband the man you deceived and made a fool of for a long time... I ll quote you again:"I AM trying to get my marriage back. H & I had a big talk last night & actually went our first date in 10 months tonight. I'm sure it sounds stupid, but I actually teared up in the car because I was so touched that he finally heard me and I felt hope that we could get back on track". If this big talk wasnt coming clean about your affair then it was for nothing,because your relationship with your husband is a lie until you confess everything... And he would listen to you and probably always has but its just that you gave up and didnt care about him and your children because some POSOM was more important to you then your family...You just didnt notice your husband because you were busy and spending the energy with POSOM instead with your husband and children... And in the end I can only say that from reading your posts IMO your marriage was a tipical marriage that people have when they are 15 years together...You got stuck in a routine and there were no major problems. The two of you just needed some excitment like date nights or some vacations like the 3 days that you spent with the POSOM instead with your husband... Instead of fixing this minor problems you decided to drop a nuclear bomb on your marriage and destroy so many innocent people...I hope the sex was so great that it was worth destroying your family that loves you the most... I dont know if someone before me said it to you so I ll just say it: when you decide to cheat you are not only cheating on your husband,you are also cheating on your children too,because an affair is so destructive that it destroyes them all...You are a WS so you dont know yet what you did to your family but to show you the magnitude of your actions I ll only say that the pain an affair causes is huge like the pain a mother feels when she loses a child or when someone important to you dies... The only noble thing that you now can do is to stop the selfishness and for once to show some respect for your husband and tell him the truth because he deserves to know what is happening in his life...You owe him at least that much... Good Luck Edited October 22, 2012 by Bugz Bunny 6
nikkin09 Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 "Thank you for listening. PLEASE tell me this gets easier." You are kidding , right? You are the other person that has hurt us wives, husbands so much. I do hope you continue to hurt. He loves his wife, always has.. why he never talked about her to you. Move on, cause he has---with his WIFE.
lordmayhem Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 Wow. Pure fog talk. So much concern for the well being of your OM, and not a single word concerning how your husband might feel when he finds out. And if the OMW has any decency, she will contact your BH. No, I don't think you will have the guts to fully disclose your affair to your BH.
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